I am an only child, with no children, a wonderful husband who I am trying to protect from all of my mother's drama. I have a 88 year old mom who is physically healthy. She has always been independent, and when my dad died 15 years ago, she accepted and moved on. I had only been married a month, and it was no problem at old. Fast forward 15 years later, she had a little health blip about a year and a half ago, and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me daily. I love her, and I visit her in her own home every other day. I call her or she calls me alot during the day. I try to hide those phone calls from my husband. I am alway taking out the trash or going down stairs to do something to speak with her briefly. I feel sorry for her because she is sooooooo extremely lonely. She has outlived her friends and her family only cares about themselves. I guess I have an emotional outburst every time I see her. She has no emotion at all. I have tears streaming or having outbursts, and it doesn't effect her. She can't try or even get mad. All she says to me all the time is that she would be so much better if she moved in with my husband and I. I tell her daily that that will never happen. She keeps saying it. I have told her and told her. I have hung up the phone, I have thrown a fit, and it doesn't phase her. I tell her I will not give up my marriage for her. I love her but she doesn't love me enough to stop saying it.
I told her I would talk to my husband and visit her daily to help. I told her I could retire. I told her I could hire a companion. No to it all except moving in with us. There is something with she and I that I can't figure out. I tell her that. I pretty much tell her everything I feel. I told her that one good thing going through this is to maybe work out what our deep down problem is before one of us die. We love each other, but not until she has started behaving like this, did we ever hug or tell each other we love each other. I, like you, am emotionally drained. I pray for her, I pray with her daily. Nothing ever changes.
When she visits our house for dinner, about once a month, my husband thinks all of this may be my imagination cause she seems okay. Not quite as spunky as she use to be. I tell him, believe me, you have no idea. I just keep it to myself, because he went through some things with his mom, and I just want to protect him from this problem. She is physically healthy other wise. We worries about everything. She has financial resources, but she has regrets not spending her money on things. She spent it on me and my dad, but really her. Now she is looking back and hates everything. She hates her house, trees, leaves, bills, being alone, not having any friends. Sometimes, I think me. I tell her that too. She is miserable, and she was never like that. She has always been hard on me, so what I do for her, she doesn't like. I try so hard to please her. I guess I always have. I tell her that too. I tell her things through our lives together that hurt me. When I was born, she had Post Partum depression, and I think it is back. I have told her doctor, and she just says that it is a difficult situation. She is in her right mind (no dementia or anything; she actually helps me remember stuff and she does her own checkbook in her head. I check behind her) The doctor said that we can't make her take meds to help. When she gets upset about money or things, she starts chattering. Anyway, I just need to just get this out for someone to read this and know I am not all alone. Being an only child with a sick parent is hard. I thought losing my dad from Cancer was tough, but this is so much worse. Thanks for reading. see less
You cannot see your mother cope perfectly well with widowhood for over a decade, then have a health blip followed immediately by a RADICAL CHANGE in mood and behaviour, and think the problem is that she's got a bit lonely.
You surely cannot suppose that your previously rational and capable mother is now utterly unable to follow the pros and cons of decision-making because of a recurrence of post partum depression.
What was the "little health blip"?
Also, if she sold her house and picked out the place she wanted to live, it might give her some satisfaction that she is using her money for herself with things of her choosing.
I have looked into some senior retirement homes. The ones I liked the best was you buy the house then pay 300 for HOA fees. They have a director that helps keep everyone busy and happy. Kinda pricey.
The other choice is a retirement home. Same thing happen but you do not own the place. Both places will feed you and entertain them.
My Mother was always to busy to play. She always had to work so we could eat. Very hard now when she wants to hang out. I do understand. My father is a drunk and angry. Nasty to be around but she won't leave. Let you'r husband know what is going on, he could be a great help. Besides, secrets in a marriage is bad.
Good luck.
she also liked singing in the Senior choir. Also, we went together for pedicures, once per month, and a local beauty school every other week.
Make sure you have date nights with your hubs, and give him attention, as well.
my hubs was similar to yours,
I finally had a heart to heart, this won’t be forever at 88 years old. You don’t want to have regrets. I went ahead and retired, so that I would have energy for myself and my family.
I would not move your Mother in with you, If your husband is against it, you will both be unhappy. You are in charge, now that your Mom is Elderly, do what is best for you, while still spending some time with her.
I am there at least 3 days a week and we are by every day and on weekends 3, 4 and 5 times a day she's so lonely. She has arthritis and has trouble getting around sometimes she makes it out worse that it is, she refuses to go to the doctor for anything, from my research she has Dementia and alzheimers but as I said refuses a doc and wouldn't take any meds given to her
If you would like to talk further just ask for my contact info