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I am struggling with this as well. Now that my mom is in AL I am trying to disentangle myself from her, and find that if I don't have contact for a few days, I lose that obsessive preoccupation with her and her health. Once I do get back involved, it starts up again. I'm learning to desensitize myself. If it's a trivial thing like she's having a problem with another resident, even if she's in tears over it, I find that I'm not really that concerned. It's almost a wartime mentality; if it's not life and death, then it's minor.
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To unglued:
It is wonderful that you help your old uncle. Honestly, I do not see why in 2015 someone needs to chop wood and fill a stove 2X a day. Where does your uncle live? Is he eligible for Medicaid or Medicare assistance for cooking and clothes washing?
There is a program called Meals on Wheels which delivers hot meals to the homebound elderly daily at little or no cost to them. Also if he is blind and deaf you should contact the department for the aging in your area and talk to a social worker about his personal needs for his own safety. There is no reason in the world that you and your family should go crazy taking care of him. There are plenty of resources out there for the elderly. If the other members if the family don't want to help, so be it. There are MANY services available to the elderly from government agencies. Is your uncle a veteran per chance? Even more resources available. Reach out to a social worker in your community. Look up the department for the aging. They will assist you in getting some help in caring for your uncle. As far as chopping wood for the stove goes, that is entirely up to your husband and sons. No elderly person in America in 2015 who is blind and deaf would be expected to reside in circumstances that would require a wood burning stove. Sounds like the home could be modernized and a lot of effort saved. If there are no funds for that, it seems like that is something a government agency could assist with.
Don't make it any harder on yourself than it has to be. You have POA. Use common sense. Your uncle needs care and compassion, not a dead niece.
Good luck!
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I have an excellent call blocker app (sends them directly to VM) and also a feature called "quiet hours", which enables me to restrict all calls except those by specified contacts during whatever hours I choose. You can also set it so that a call will break through if they call more than three times in two minutes in case someone is trying to call you from an unknown number with something urgent.

I also like google voice for VM because you can just log in to the GV site and read your VMs and play them right there. They also give you a phone number that you can give out instead of your "real" one if you so desire. IMO it's pretty handy.
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For those who are troubled by excessive phone calls, the phone I got a few months ago—with three hand sets—enables me to block numbers. It also announces the name of the caller, the number, or "out of area" in a robot voice with odd pronunciation, but intelligible. It is made by Panasonic. I bought it at Best Buy, and it was not expensive. I only pick up when I recognize the name or number. My friends and the ALF where my husband is leave messages. I return the calls when needed at my convenience.
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Yep. We kept our land line......primarily because the oldsters in our life weren't up for learning 2 new phone numbers. When the land line rings, it's either a telemarketer or family. And it ONLY rings when I'm occupied in the bathroom or we're sitting down to eat.
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Oh my God, the phone calls. I am so thankful for my call blocking app, without it I would have gone insane months ago. I must get anywhere from 10-25 mom-related calls a day each weekday and a solid 90% of them are nothing. And the important ones ALWAYS come three seconds after I stepped into the shower or while I'm bagging my stuff at the supermarket.
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My bad: I meant to say you CANNOT hang on to guilt.
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I have these same issues, but with a Uncle who never had chidren and my father (his brother) refuses to help. I have two siblings who do not visit or care either. My Uncle is nearly blind and deaf and wants to stay at home until the end. I work full-time, have a grown daughter and a teenage son living at home and I am my Uncle's medical poa. I also take care of his bills, his dr. appts. and shop, cook his meals and wash his clothes. My husband and son cut his wood and fill his outdoor stove 2x a day. I am emotionally drained and just want to run away by myself. Oh, I have been on medication for bi-polar depression and anxiety for 20 years and feel like this is leading me to a meltdown. What I'm saying is that without caring for my Uncle, it's hard for me to have a "good" day anyway. Does anyone understand what I mean?
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You can hang on to guilt. It will overwhelm you.
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Amen, JoAnn! I was just thinking the same thing not five minutes ago. I became a "people pleaser" in early childhood in an effort to keep the peace with volatile parents. The middle brother, while unable to see mom clearly alternatively takes no prisoners when he thinks he is right about something - which is all the time in his mind, lol! A while back during an argument with me he said maybe it was time for him to take over. Initially I said no - but after about a week I reconsidered and called him to say yes. It was almost comical the way and speed in which he back peddled! I plan to reapproach him after the new year when his surgery/recovery is finished.
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If the favored son is willing to take on the responsibility then let him. She may not give him the same problems. I usually find the favored child doesn't usually take the reins. Seems to be the one the parent can get away with intimidating.
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Ruthie and Babalou - it's Sunday. Usually on Sunday's a care giver come to take my son out for several hours. Hubby and I visit mom and they go out to an early dinner. Today the regular person for my son was still on vacation and hubby had to work OT. After yesterday's disaster phone conversation with mom I decided it was best I not see her today - that and I would have had to take my son. My son doesn't like to visit grandma anymore - she gets agitated with him which in turn gets him worked up. Sooo - after a lazy morning I was trying to plan an outing for my son and I. To my surprise the regular sub for my son showed up at the usual time. So off they went and I find myself with five hours all to myself and nothing planed. Alone time!!! So it's movies on tv, brushing my beloved dogs and some housekeeping - all things that soothe me. Funny how ever now and then the universe steps in and gives a hand when you need it the most!
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Rain, I hope that you have gotten the message to
1. Turn your phone to vibrate and check the number before answering
2.called the nh and told them that you need for them to call you only if mom is being transported to the hospital
3.gone and done something nice for yourself.
You'll call your doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully get into to see her/him same day. It IS an emergency.
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no, not at all, only that love is a circle. Which makes it hurt sometimes. My own family..they never did take the hint either.......sometimes there are days where I would go home from work and start "work" the minute I walked in the door. Made me absolutely nuts. My family was "non participating" also...mostly cause they were scared to death. They could be at the greatest theme park in the country and miss the fun cause the rides were too scary and the food was too unhealthy, you know what I mean?...... Most staff are used to "high horsedness", a certain amount of it comes with the job. ........yet, there may be one or two that are slowly working there way in, who knows? In sure that you are confident in their services. I hope you can get some down time for yourself soon
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Thanks, GardenArtist! Wow! What kind of low-life trolls a site like this trying to take advantage of people who are going through some of the hardest days of their life?!!!
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Hi Ruthie - thanks for your advice. The place where my mom is - is great. I know they have tried to get her involved in the activities that are offered throughout the day. Unfortunately my mom refuses to participate in anything - even eats her meals in her room. When I ask her about the activities she makes condescending remarks and belittles thoses who do participate. I only hope she is less "high horsed" when refusing to staff. I'm sure your final paragraph wasn't meant to imply that I owed my mother these last five years in exchange for her raising me -
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I can empathize with you. I had a family member doing the same thing to me, and at the same time, I was working at a place, doing case management for people who were in residential care and had a couple of clients who were calling three or four staff at my office all day long doing the same thing. I had ALL their calls transferred to my desk, and after putting ALL 437 of my other clients on the back burner for a day and attending to every one of their requests, I told them that I would ONLY be able to respond on Tuesday at 10, 10:30, 11:00 etc. I then called the care homes and gently and firmly reminded them that they needed to be providing a secure and comforting routine for the people who lived there, and while they cannot restrict the use of the phone per se, that allowing people to engage in anxiety directed behavior might be a violation of their residents rights. The calls stopped that very day. The next week, every client told me how they were busy with taking walks, doing tai chi, etc amazing. The families reported that visiting time was much more relaxed as well. And that they too had actually slept. And really, the stress at my office went down too, and we were better able to care for all of our clients. It really does take a village, and each member of that village has an important role. Please try to avoid doing what I do when i feel overwhelmed....I get in a tough situation, and then I beat myself up for being in a tough situation. Now I got two tough situations. ugh. My mama Im sure had her moments of being overwhelmed caring for me when I was a little baby crying all night for weeks with colic. I suppose dealing with those calls at work was me getting to return the favors........
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Piss off Sarah111! I'm stressed out not stupid.
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Thanklessjob - it's pretty much me and my two older brothers. My oldest brother has as little to do with her as possible and it has been that way for years and years. I don't blame him - he has aways been able to see her clearly. He has however been very supportive of me and any decision I make. My other brother is more tolerant of her - he is her favorite and generally gets her better side. He would probably take it all on but he is having cancer surgery right after Christmas. I would probably try to hang on until he is feeling better.
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Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist? Is she on meds to ease the agitation and paranoia?

The only way to get through this, in my way of thinking, is to remind oneself, over and over " I'm driving the bus: I'm driving the bus".. If she takes the wheel, you'll all end up in the ditch.
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Rainmom,
Get on the Alzheimers Assoc. web site and read about what's involved as she progresses through stages 1-7 (then death).
I didn't have a good working knowledge of what this disease is all about and I have (intermittently) taken care of patients with it for 36 years.
You will learn a lot. It may make you realize (as it did me) that she won't ever be the same person she was. It seems to exacerbate what her personality was before she was diagnosed. There are some OK days and some bad days.
If you're really serious about completely walking away, could you get a sibling or family member to do it? Check out if she could become a ward of the state. They can't force you to take care of her.
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Babalou - thanks for the advice. Just this morning I did the "your doctors say..." She replied with "what doctors? I haven't seen any doctors! I don't even know what he looks like". Me - "Mom, Mary and I took you to the doctor 10 days ago". Which was the truth. I've been at this for five years with her. Granted she really took a deep decline in August - but I've pretty much tried everything to get her to be the tiniest bit more cooperative and less hostile.
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One more thing. You make the doctor the bad guy. " the doctor says you have to...."
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Rainmom, you don't need valium, you probably need an antidepressant. Much better than valium. Antidepressants are not addictive. From what I've read, valium can be.

Second, mom has dementia, right? You can't expect her to be considerate of you, understand that you can't come. "Mom, I have a cold, I can't come today". click.

You don't wait for the " oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well". She's no longer capable of that. You need to put up firm boundaries and visit on your own schedule, when you want to.
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Isn't it something how parents use their kids. I don't have that problem with Mom but would have had with MIL. She could get her boys to do anything for her. She did it very suttle. Its called passive/agressive.
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Its funny how timely your post is, Eddie. I was just thinking along those lines. This morning my mom told me she was just going to leave and go live by herself. Mind you, she cant change her own Depends without getting feces everywhere and was just moved because we were asked to leave AL because she required more care than they could give. But - I'm going to remind her that 3 years ago at her request I signed legal papers saying I would make medical decisions for her if she were deemed unable to do so. She won't recall this and will deny it but I will continue. In September her drs made that determination. I will arrange to have her retested for dementia. If by some miracle of miracles she passes then I am off the hook and I will turn in my DPOA hat and files and she will be free to live or die in unbathed squalor. I will be done with her. If she fails the tests - then I go forward, armed with my own Valium (I hope) put boundaries in place and if she gets booted from where she is - which is a lovely place resembling a posh ski villa - she will be place in a facility for dementia/memory care. There we will start with boundaries from day one. Sounds harsh but it is what it is.
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This is my first time posting but your plea touched me. You mention your autistic son which no one took into account. You can slow or stop the calls about your mother but you still have the 24/7 responsibility of caring for your son at home.
Is it possible to hire someone to stay with him while you and your husband take a little break to reconnect? You deserve some relief and happiness and fun. If you can remember what those felt like.
I wish you well.
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when my uncle was in a nursing facility, my aunt got calls all the time. Finally, she told them to only call her if he was ill and they were sending him to the hospital. I know that sounds odd, but she was at her wits end. She visited him frequently as did my cousins. But she could not handle a call every time he didn't want to take a pill or wouldn't eat his dinner. His doctor/NP called with updates on his case and she would call the nurses desk to get updates but the difference was that it was initiated by her and on her schedule. We all need downtime. One of my sibs or I visit my mom every day. But sometimes, esp. when she is in one of her moods, it is hard to sit with her and listen. It is good to have a day or two off to recover from the constant complaining. If you can enlist other relatives or her friends to take turns visiting her maybe you can get some respite for yourself. And yes, keep up your MD appointments and your health. And don't feel guilty if you are not on call every second of the day. The facility gets a lot of money to provide care, comfort and safety for your loved one. Let them do their job. You can ask them not to call your number for her or use your answering machine to screen. I know that sounds harsh but it maybe what you need to do.
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Like Tina Turner, I just couldn't walk away. It's not that simple. After my mom became too much to handle and I realized my life revolved around her, my survival instinct kicked in. I found her a senior citizens residence here in the Bronx, and she's free to live the rest of her life as she pleases. Sometimes she tries the guilt trip like "You threw me out like a dog," "You didn't want me around your kids," blah, blah, blah. ... I pretend to play the violin to let her know this kind of emotional blackmail doesn't work anymore. Poor thing keeps trying.
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Great! Let us know what your doctor recommends and I'll do the same. I hope you're able to speak with a mental health professional also to get suggestions.
I'm married to a Mexican man whose culture worships mothers. He and moms doctor (Hispanic also) are always saying, "Come on, she's your MOTHER and she has Alzheimer's", like that's supposed to shut off all my hurt feelings. I'm trying not to take it personally, but when it goes along with your/her past, it's hard not to.
Good luck to us all.
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