When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
It is wonderful that you help your old uncle. Honestly, I do not see why in 2015 someone needs to chop wood and fill a stove 2X a day. Where does your uncle live? Is he eligible for Medicaid or Medicare assistance for cooking and clothes washing?
There is a program called Meals on Wheels which delivers hot meals to the homebound elderly daily at little or no cost to them. Also if he is blind and deaf you should contact the department for the aging in your area and talk to a social worker about his personal needs for his own safety. There is no reason in the world that you and your family should go crazy taking care of him. There are plenty of resources out there for the elderly. If the other members if the family don't want to help, so be it. There are MANY services available to the elderly from government agencies. Is your uncle a veteran per chance? Even more resources available. Reach out to a social worker in your community. Look up the department for the aging. They will assist you in getting some help in caring for your uncle. As far as chopping wood for the stove goes, that is entirely up to your husband and sons. No elderly person in America in 2015 who is blind and deaf would be expected to reside in circumstances that would require a wood burning stove. Sounds like the home could be modernized and a lot of effort saved. If there are no funds for that, it seems like that is something a government agency could assist with.
Don't make it any harder on yourself than it has to be. You have POA. Use common sense. Your uncle needs care and compassion, not a dead niece.
Good luck!
I also like google voice for VM because you can just log in to the GV site and read your VMs and play them right there. They also give you a phone number that you can give out instead of your "real" one if you so desire. IMO it's pretty handy.
1. Turn your phone to vibrate and check the number before answering
2.called the nh and told them that you need for them to call you only if mom is being transported to the hospital
3.gone and done something nice for yourself.
You'll call your doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully get into to see her/him same day. It IS an emergency.
The only way to get through this, in my way of thinking, is to remind oneself, over and over " I'm driving the bus: I'm driving the bus".. If she takes the wheel, you'll all end up in the ditch.
Get on the Alzheimers Assoc. web site and read about what's involved as she progresses through stages 1-7 (then death).
I didn't have a good working knowledge of what this disease is all about and I have (intermittently) taken care of patients with it for 36 years.
You will learn a lot. It may make you realize (as it did me) that she won't ever be the same person she was. It seems to exacerbate what her personality was before she was diagnosed. There are some OK days and some bad days.
If you're really serious about completely walking away, could you get a sibling or family member to do it? Check out if she could become a ward of the state. They can't force you to take care of her.
Second, mom has dementia, right? You can't expect her to be considerate of you, understand that you can't come. "Mom, I have a cold, I can't come today". click.
You don't wait for the " oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well". She's no longer capable of that. You need to put up firm boundaries and visit on your own schedule, when you want to.
Is it possible to hire someone to stay with him while you and your husband take a little break to reconnect? You deserve some relief and happiness and fun. If you can remember what those felt like.
I wish you well.
I'm married to a Mexican man whose culture worships mothers. He and moms doctor (Hispanic also) are always saying, "Come on, she's your MOTHER and she has Alzheimer's", like that's supposed to shut off all my hurt feelings. I'm trying not to take it personally, but when it goes along with your/her past, it's hard not to.
Good luck to us all.