Is anyone dealing with unhelpful and nasty siblings?

A lot of good advice here. Your brother who lives at home could very well get worse and become more of a problem and need a caregiver as well. Through his doctor and a good attorney you could get yourself appointed as his guardian, and probably DPOA which as said would give you control over his finances, I highly doubt he'd do anymore to physically help than he has been. If you are not already, you should legally be your mom's guardian and you should have DPOA for her. It's also amazing how siblings come out of the woodwork when one is "appointed" as something legally. Anyway, by doing this it would allow you to potentially put the residence up for sale and move to something small enough there's really no room for the brother, forcing him to move out on his own or go to a home, that's a possibility. Therefore eliminating some of your bills, giving you more finances to work with as well. If you rent, you can look for a smaller rental to scale back on expenses, again forcing the brother to move out on his own. This would be good if he refuses to help, refuses to pay his share of the bills, and even with his problems, he's still capable of taking care of himself. Of course this all depends on where you live, and just how dependent your brother is. If he can take trash out, he can do more. Other options are adult daycare, there are also senior companions who will sit with your mom so you can get a break.

Your brothers I'm sorry to say sound pretty typical, it seems many (not all), just disconnect themselves, don't want to deal with hit. Other siblings who are not as involved often when they do step in to help, they just really don't know what to do or even where to start, kind of like how we all were at the start of caregiving for our parents, it was a learning process as we all know.

Thankfully I do not have to deal with siblings.
As for the nutzoid brother, I would try and have him legally removed. Most people would not like my attitude but, if I had someone like that living in the same house, and I managed to evict him I really would not give a damn where he went or ended up even if it was the street. but that is me and things aren't that simple.
I agree with a previous poster: have brudder put somewhere before he become a lethal presence as well: there are enough stories of these crazies who end up murdering everyone. Sadly, what they are trying to avoid happens anyway, but worse.
Best of luck to you. As for the rest of the family, protect yourself against them, document everything. I don't know how bad your moms dementia is but she could be an impediment to trying to get rid of brother or rest of siblings.

I am the youngest of Three and have had my mom with me since 2009 ( after step father passed ) At that time we all agreed that Mom would live with me and my wife and daughter ( at that time I was married for 15 years ) and that she would visit with each of them when she wanted and spend a long weekend with them . At that time it soundined like a good plan. Well the visiting with siblings only lasted about Three months with each visit getting more worse than the last. She would come back home emotionaly damaged from the constent fighting over $$$ One brother was out of work for a year during the ressesion and mom gave $$$ to save his house Brother #2 was given $$$ to help pay for his medical insurance as he was diagnosed with a curable form of cancer ( which he just spent on a vacation instead ) when the $$$$ stoped they stoped along with another family member who asked for $$$$ and did not get it. I whatched them all come to her with their hand out and one by one when the $$$ stoped they stoped . As of today 1/5/14 Mom is and will always be with me ( Im hoping that she never has to go into a nursing home ) I am also divorced as of 2011 and do not blame it on my mother as we were living like roomates and I had asked her if it had anything to do with mom moving in to wich she replied " No I dont love you and have not loved you for the past 5 years " . Along the way I have made some good decisions and some bad ones. Im thankful for her One true friend that I do take her down to say and visit with on occasion and can say that her freinds have treated her better than family. I have met a wonderful woman that I have been in a loving and meaningful relationship with for the past several years. My helpful advice would be. Dont be to hard on yourself, let go of any guilty feelings and stay close to the people that are helpful and far from the ones that are not.
Best wishes in the New Year ahead.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your wonderful support, suggestions and understanding. I feel so lucky to have found this place!! Finally, some people who understand!! I will be back with more stuff and questions! I just wanted to say "Thank You" so much for your support!! It means so much!!

Your story sounds almost identical as mine. I took care of Mom and Dad for many, any years. My Dad passed 2 years ago. My Mom has had depression all her life. But after Dad passed she went downhill. She has dementia also. I live next door but have been living mainly with them. After Dad passed, my two half brothers, Jay and John, wet after Mom for money. They are greedy and never helped with Mom. I also took Mom on a vacation to get away from all the stress of her being taken advantage of, stealing, lying..etc..Even my son moved in, I do not have much to do with him as he has been on drugs fr years. Mom forgets and let's him move in, what a nightmare, he stole around $20,000 off Mom, I had to go to the court house and get a restraining order to get him out and to top it off my Mom did not understand and was mad at me.Then Jay my brother, had started drinking after my Dad passed ,ruined his 17 year marriage and got into a physical fight with my other brother over Power of Attorney. They both were out drinking like crazy (not together). I finally was given Power of Attorney from my Mom. The my brother Jay came over and beat me up in front of Mom, he was angry at me, I stepped in his way of using Mom for money. He also is on disability for mental issues and alcohol changed him ...still has.... after our vacation (4 months) Mom and I came back. Mo had co-signed for Jay's house so he could pay his x-wife, and Jay was not making the payments.I forgave Jay from beating e as I did not want anymore conflict. But Jay kept changing personalities and it scared me.Mom has given him over $55,000 in cash mainly but also the kabota tractor. John the other brother had tried to get Mom in a Nursing home so he could have her house by calling the police and saying she took a overdose. I was with Mom and she did not.So I have been through hell with siblings( they are half brother's as my Dad was my step Dad , I was only 7 when Mom married him. He was an alcoholic, he quit when I was 16. But he was very controlling. Did not think woman were suppose to have equal rights.So that is where the boys get their issues. I a the oldest, 56 years old. The boys never helped at all. So to sum it up I know all about greed!! My Mom is now in assisted Living, I am now trying to keep up with the paper work...Jay my pathetic alcoholic brother goes to assisted living to visit to have heat, internet and meals. He can not afford to keep his house bur refuses to get a room mate or downsize. He does not have any visitation with his twins as his temper and violent ways stopped him from having any unsupervised visitation.But his x-wife feeling overwhelmed with a full time job and 6 year old twins allows him some hours. He is till drinking and I think she is foolish.Then 3 weeks ago I brought my Mom to my house for 3 nights, she is on 3 diabetes shots and other medications. When it came time for her to leave, Jay has all wheel drive and offered to give her a ride. I did not have any cash so I gave him om's debit card to get gas. Well, he went on a $1,000.00 shopping spree....I could not report it to police as I am afraid of Jay. So I am getting Mom a court appointed Guardian. She has a vacant house, some land and some cash investments. not rich, but I can no longer handle fighting with dangerous siblings. I intend to let a judge take and make decisions.it costs money but I am burnt out... So can only say that if it gets too much bow out. I reported this to Adult Protective Services repeatedly and they did nothing. I pray for my Mom because we were and still are so close that it is literally killing me, my health has been severely affected... I will never forget what my half brother's have done to me and my Mom. I am done with them. I do not have a husband , so I a alone with my dog. It's been lot of losses for me.. My faith has kept me going....Good luck, :)

Your not alone. I recently relocated from California to Wisconsin to take care of my elder parents. Mom had ovarian cancer and had battled the disease for 5 years. She was 92 yrs old. I was blessed to spend 1 month with. Now I am taking care of my dad who has alzheimers. Before I arrived all of my 5 siblings were taking turns helping my parents out now that I have arrived, I get no relief. It's sad but I just deal with it. My brother is angry at me for going to an elder law attorney and writing up a contract between me and my dad so I can get paid for my services. I am now excluded from all family functions. Being all alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas was hard but I just dealt with the lonliness. My mom had asked me to take of my dad before she passed away. She did not want my dad in a nursing facility. So I am happy with the fact I am doing what she wanted me to do. I know she is smiling down on me and my dad is very happy with his living arrangements. He is very happy he is not in a nursing home and tells me at least once or twice a week "where would I be if you weren't taking of me". That statement right there puts a smile on my face and then I wonder of all the other caregivers out there who are in the same situation as me. I just put my faith in the hands of the Lord. We are alone but someone high above is watching over us.

I spent the holidays alone too! But it beats being with GREEDY people and siblings! The Lord knows all I have done ad so does some relatives....I am at peace in my heart...I love Mom, it killed me to put her into Assisted Living, but like my Aunt said she has taken care of my grandmother at her house up till she passed but was easy to deal with. My Mom will not shower or keep herself up, is in depends (no big deal there) it is better then her messing her pants which I went through. She has MAJOR depression. Has had it all her life but now she has had no will to live. Partly as she has a chemical imbalance and also my Dad passing and all the brutal fighting from the greedy family.. She is better off in Assisted Living as no one can ask her to move in her house and smooch off her.They have activities and she is a night person. They have tried to get her out of bed before 4 pm, with no luck. I cannot watch my Mom lay in bed. She said she is at peace sleeping. The doctor's said she has no will. Sad:( She is 77 years old.

My sister doesn't help. She lives an hour from my mom and I live 6, but I take care of everything - hire the caregivers, act as human resources :) for them, take care of everything that needs to be done around her house, etc, etc. My sister thinks my mom should be in a "home" and if that were the case, neither of us would "have" to do anything - which is incorrect. But since I want to keep her at home as long as possible, she just lets me deal w/everything. She's misguided, to say the least, about many things and will be sorry one day. The situation isn't nearly as bad as yours - since I don't see my sister every day like you do your brother - but is really difficult for me. When she ignores my mom, she's also ignoring me and my requests for her to help. So I know where we both stand w/her. I'm not sure I could do what you're doing if I had to be right w/her all the time. The only thing I can think of to say to you is, you're doing the best you can for your mom and you'll never have to spend one minute down the road feeling guilty for how you treated her. I'm sure she knows from your actions how much you love her and you're making what could be very difficult for her, as good as it possibly can be. I'm in awe of all you do.

Keep in mind that you are doing the best that you can and that you're doing it for your mother. My mom and aunt had a similar problem with their siblings when it came to caring for my 92 year old grandmother. Everything was always well why can't Danielle(me) do it. And so I did.... I gave up being a normal kid in their early 20s to take care of my aging grandmother. With little to no help from relatives. All who decided that towards the end they NEEDED a say. My suggestion to you would be is attempt to sit your siblings down and talk to them about your mom's health. Tell them what you're doing and how it would help a little bit if every now and then when a sibling is free if they can take mom to an appointment. Maybe your sister can take her to get her nails done or something just to give you at least an hour to yourself. Because you have to make sure you have time to yourself at some point because it can litterally make you BONKERS having nobody to help you. If none of your siblings want to step it up a little, try seeing about getting an aid for a few hours a day.

My mom has 3 siblings... 1 which we live with and 2 who are married to highly controling spouses. My aunt (the one we live with) was financially supporting my grandmother for the past 10 years. My mom did all the cooking for my grandma and I did everything else, I shuffled her to doctors appointments, and took her anywhere she wanted to go. I made sure she got off to the center okay and greeted her at the door at 2:15 if I was home. My grandma made her schedule around my school and work schedule because getting her non working grandchild or retired son and daughter to do ANYTHING was useless. As she got "more difficult" (as one cousin put it) we did everything we could to get an aid to take care of her for a few hours because it was starting to become just too much and trying to keep up with her needs and everything else going on just became too much. Even though I have 3 RETIRED relatives, 1 cousin who works PART TIME, everything always ended up falling on us because they always found excuses why they couldn't do things for my grandmother.

Grandma passed away peacefully in the comfort of her own home about a month ago and my mom and her sister have hardly spoke to their brother or sister since. Yet, in about 2 weeks they'll be annoying us non stop because they want items of my grandmother's they think are due to them.

The way we handled it was, you're either in it 24/7 or you're not and if you're not, then you are giving me the right to make any decision I see fit in the care of mom (grandma).

Seriously, try sitting down with your siblings and coming up with a plan. Maybe your brother who uses the dogs as a reason why he can't come over can at least meet mom at the door and take her out to lunch.
Your sister can maybe once an a while do a lunch or dinner and maybe take mom to get her nails done or go out to a movie.
As for crazy paranoid brother, try to get him to maybe do something like watch TV with mom and talk to her about what they're watching. Maybe he just engage mom in conversation just enough to keep her entertained.

Sadly, a sit down with my family was not happening at all because again, both my aunt and uncle married very controling people.

Wonderful ideas and suggestions from all of you! I wish it were that easy to have a family meeting where we actually sit down and discuss things. Honestly, sometimes I feel like aliens from space have inhabited the bodies of my siblings! I thought I knew these people!! I always thought about mom aging and how we would be as a family. I have to laugh about it now. I pictured my oldest brother (who mom always said we could always count on!! ha ha!!) coming to the rescue and helping me. I never dreamed that when I said "Help me please" there would be no one there. My sister thinks she has helped me by having me drive my mom over to her house (she lives about 1/2 hour away) so they could visit. But that was one time in forever. I dropped my mom off for two hours. That was the most help I have received from her. Her other 'help' is to tell me to seek a support group, go to yoga, meditate and take time out for myself. When I suggested that she come over here one day a month, she said I was sounding angry and maybe we could talk again another time. Huh?? I asked her to come over and help decorate the tree with me. This is something I have done every year plus have hosted Christmas here. So, I thought this year I could use a little help. She said she would get back to me about it but I never heard another word. So, asking for help, dividing up responsibilities, just isn't happening here!
Another time when I asked my oldest brother for help he just said "I don't know what you are going to do. It's a bad situation and you should have thought about it before you moved back in with mom. I have my own life and I can't.......". Fill in the blank.
So, yes I agree that sitting down and talking like grown ups would be great. But as a dear friend told me, I just must think of myself as an only child and stop expecting help.
Every night when I tuck my mom in she tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her and thanks me for all I do. This just makes me cry and I realize how much I love her and makes all the craziness fade away. I can't even imagine a world without her in it. So , I remind myself of this over and over every time I feel overwhelmed. One day she won't be here anymore so I want to make the most of our time together.
Thank you again everyone!! You are all so great!!!xoxoxoxoxo

Yes, I am the oldest of 2, and when I read this post and other replies I do not feel so alone experiencing some of the same. I do not have a good answer nor have I found a solution as my sibling is a highconflict type A person who thrives on drama and moved himself and his girlfriend into my fathers home. For me it's difficult to avoid the conflict and make good decisions in the best interest of my father without conflict... I will pray that we both have strength as I understand how exhausting this type of person can be. I have begun journaling the circumstances so I can leave the negativity on paper and focus on the real issues.

im the meanest sibling. i cant relate to your question. when i roar my older sisters s**t down their legs. its what my mom needed. AUDACITY, !! lol

I am totally with you and the sugar coated advice still frustrates. In my opinion, it just takes continued talks with yourself [as an advisor] prayer and alot of deep breaths! I just try to be calm and say how long can I bang my head against the wall. I know when she passes how guilty they're gonna feel. Then they'll like me again, and try to be close to me again. I can see it as clear as day, but, Im just driving myself crazy, adding on more stress and depression when I continually remind myself of what they dont do to help. So, I told myself, Im really going to try to accept thier inadequacies, because it hinders me emotionally and my mother doesnt deserve that. She needs 100% of me to be present. Shame on them in thier laziness. My first step was returning a text to my sister and just said "Im learning to lower my expectations, so you just do whats in your heart and I'll keep doing what Im doing." and wished her a happy holiday. Am I still disapointed in my sibilings not rising to the challenge? NO DOUBT. But I realize, Im not going to win and guilting them causes bitterness between us all and ends up toxic. So for now my head is healing from not banging it on the wall [sort-a-speak] Im done fighting for the unity....and I dont need another part-time job. Best wishes for a Peaceful seeking New Year!
carla~

Consider whether you have deliberately established a reputation for being the only one who could truly and lovingly care for every one of your Mother's needs, and have now tired of the demands of the persona you have created for yourself. Frequently siblings cease to offer or pay attention to perceived needs, because their suggestions and offers were declined so consistently over a lengthy period that they came to understand that their concerns, opinions and willingness to assist were not valued enough to ever be accepted. Be aware to the possibility that you are now reaping what you have sown. Be aware to the possibility that you devoted your efforts to doing so much for your parent that you denied others the privilege of helping a parent whom they equally loved--and detrimentally impacted relationships in the process.

Momsbestbet (love the name, btw!) - what a good strategy you've adopted. I'm trying to do the same but finding it very difficult - I'll keep working on it. Learning - you clearly aren't in the same situation - lucky for you! - or you'd understand why I find your answer a bit condescending.

SheriR - couldn't agree with you more on both points.

You should realize that your siblings will probably not help you out and get over your anger at this and let it go. Concentrate on your mother and your own health, mental and physical. Realize that your siblings have let you know who they are. They are not doing for their mother and for you. Which means that you are under no obligation to do anything for them...ever. Take care of your mom like you are. Enjoy her in her remaining years with the knowledge that you were a good daughter. And when the time comes, let your other siblings take the responsibility of your mentally disabled brother.

I can't tell you how helpful this thread has been to me. I think I became so isolated that I didn't know that others share the same issues. With me it is a brother who helps equally with finances but nothing else. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am the caregiver for our mom who didn't protect either me or my young daughter from my dad from his abuse. Grappling with this while trying to be a good caregiver. When my brother comes to see our mom, usually twice a year, he is pretty nasty to me. This thread has given me permission to go on my own vacation when he comes to see his mom. YEA!!!

I truly feel for you. My mother, rest her soul, died last June. I'm 49 and lived with her most of my life because of my health problems. I have multiple sclerosis (MS), and when the time came, I thought that it would be better if she moved in with my sister and her family, so that Mom would be safer and have a closer relationship with my sister. Well, I was wrong. They took nine months to put a shower safety bar in, because my brother-in-law was more concerned about damaging the house than he was about my then 85-year-old mother's falling and cracking her head open. The expensive smoke detecting system that they had kept going off when it shouldn't. For MONTHS, he said that it wasn't defective, just dirty. He finally cleaned it. Even though my sister has two children, then over age 15, and able to care for themselves, and she only worked part-time and from home, I spent a lot of time taking Mom to her appointments and to the store, etc. My family's self-centeredness is so textbook. Remember nastiness can be expressed in numerous ways. Your brother needs to move out before something bad happens to you or your mother. He needs professional oversight, of some kind or another. I'm very familiar with mental illness, as I have major depression and anxiety and my father was paranoid and extremely self-centered and could be violent. No, it isn't easy to be firm like you need to be, but a person can only do so much and then they need to move on. You have yourself, your mother, and the innocent animals to protect and care for, first and foremost. If you can get him help, that would be great. If you can't, because it isn't available or he won't accept it, that would be extremely unfortunate, but you sound as if you've done what you can, and that it is time to move on.

Sometimes, talking with someone and pointing out the obvious just doesn't work. I've tried to explain to my sister over and over about my MS fatigue and how it really limits me, but she just doesn't care. I've written her off as family and am moving on. It hurts, but I have to do it, or I'll just keep getting hurt, which helps absolutely no one.

Find ANY outside help that you can. Try senior services of all kinds and even organizations for disabled or veterans. Also try the Salvation Army, Goodwill, nursing homes of all kinds, the local Social Security Administration, etc. They may not be able to help you directly, but there is a good chance that they can refer you to someone. It may take awhile, as I am still finding out for myself, but it is better than being treated rudely and insensitively. So much good luck to you and your mother. I just read an answer where one person is thinking of recording family conversations. Do this. I forgot that I got an app for my phone to record conversations with my sister. You may not be able to use anything like that in court, should things go that direction, but these recordings would show a pattern of abuse/neglect that could protect you and your mother in the future.

In NYS, for example, you mat record any conversation in which you are a participant where all are either present or in NYS. I recommend you check the recording laws for your own state (google recording laws _______ (state name)).

I agree with AK, there are some appalling people in the world. I suppose my sister would say that I am the bad sib, but I am not. I've got a lot of troubles besides my people who have dementia. Believe me, I try to help Mom but sis thwarts me at every turn, then says I am a problem. So yes, suddenly, I have a nasty sib.

Yup, I have the same problem with my family members, no help. I've decided to give all the family problems to God, and let him work it out. I can't fix it. We've hired two care givers so I can go to work, and they have been truly amazing, a gift from God. Counseling from Church, and Social Workers has helped me get past my anger and move on, and they have been soooo supportive of me and Mom. Like you, I've had Mom for going on 20 yrs. I think Soozi's idea is really good, and if I see my family members again, I'm going to try it. I doubt that I will see them again, and if that's the case, that's ok too, because God has the wheel now. I know what it feels like to be the only one. Hang in there, remember this is for your Mom, she needs you. God bless you for all that you're doing for your Mom. I would look for a place to relocate your live-in brother, having two to take care of at the same time is way, way, way tooo much!

I feel for you, BIG TIME as I am in pretty much the same spot. I have care for my mother with dementia for about 8 years. Prior to that it was my father and my aunt and my brother in law. Because of the fact that I am on disability and at home it was just assumed that I would care for everyone.

As much as I hate to say it, the only person I really did not mind caring for was my father. He was only really ill for about a year and I thank God that he was still physically strong enough to pull himself up other wise I do not think I could have done it.

I really did not think my mother would last more than 3 years after my fathers death as she became so depressed and just locked herself away in the house never leaving except for doctor appointments or to go to the cemetery to put flowers on the graves of her family members. She refused to go to anyone for the depression and next thing we knew she was diagnosed as having dementia and told her brain was shrinking.

I moved into my mothers house in 1999 with my daughter as I was ill. I was only going to be here until I got better but I am still here. My older sister also moved in and has lived here for as long. Now you asked about a nasty sibling....this is mine. I found out when I was 28 that she had hated me since birth and planned on continuing until one of us die. She has lived up to her end of the bargain!!! Anything she can do to make my life hard or miserable, she will. We have a younger sister that both of us get along with. Her and I are very close and love the same things and we both have daughters that get along like best friends, so we do things together when we can. This does not make nasty sister happy, at all!

Nasty sister basically does nothing to help although she lives here. She takes care of her own personal needs, cleans her room and bathroom, her laundry and that is it! There is zero help with the house, the yard, laundry, groceries, I do mean nothing! I see a therapist to try and keep my sanity and they told me to leave the house and get out on the weekends. When I do, nasty sister comes up with something she needs to leave to do or she gets ticked off and is either especially nasty with a hateful attitude or an argument may ensue.

The last time this happened was about a month ago, when she informed me while laughing in my face, that "I was no care giver! I was a joke! The last time our house was clean was many years ago! She was not going to work all day then come home and clean! (she works part time and is off at 2:30 but stays gone til 5 or 6 so she has to do nothing to help)" She went on to tell me that "from now on if I wanted to leave the house on the weekend I would have to ask her first!" Oh yes, I would have to run it by her and then she would tell me if I could leave or not! To that I called Bull----T! I told her that she was able to leave the house every single day and stayed gone into the evening even though her job ends at 2:30! I was going to leave the house every frickin weekend and she could stay home and take care of Mom.....everyone gets time off!!

She is totally ticked off at me even more than she use to be because I am my mothers DPOA not her. I asked Mom and her attorney to please make me the DPOA because Nasty sister had not paid one cent in over two years towards the household and she was paying HER BILLS out of Mom's checkbook! I am also in charge of her healthcare.

Every year when I try to take a vacation a huge fight takes place because she does not want to care for Mom or the dog. Yet she was the sister who felt called to be a nurse many years ago. Nasty, nasty woman! Two years ago we had gotten into an argument prior to my vacation and she filed a FALSE REPORT WITH ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!! She told them that I had abused her and beat her (she was 65) and caused bruises on her arms! She went to Kaiser and told her social worker, who took pictures, they helped her fill out the paperwork had her sign it and filed it! I had Adult Protective Services sitting in my living room wanting to interview me to see if THEY SHOULD PROSECUTE ME!
The only thing that saved me, was the fact that my 16 year old niece was sitting about 10 feet from us and saw everything that happened and told them that I never laid a finger on her....IT WAS A TOTAL LIE!!!!! She was willing to have me thrown in JAIL!!!! Things like this happen every single summer without fail when I am trying to leave for vacation.

Both of Nasty sister's kids have turned their backs on her and moved to other states "to escape her toxicity!" Her husband divorced her years ago. She has had doctors tell her "not to return" because they could not deal with her. She complained about every doctor her HMO sent her to so they finally sent her to a psychiatrist.... She doesn't see them however....if they do not agree with her, she quits. OH YES, I HAVE A NASTY SIBLING!

Younger sister lost her husband about 6 years ago and she works very long hours to try and hold on to her home. She has two college age kids and she has suffered with depression for years. Her plate is very full and there is no way I can get help from her around here. That I understand. One of her kids stays with us during the day on vacations so they can hang out with my daughter and i make dinner for them every other Friday night so we get to see them.

I did tell my Nasty sister and my daughter that I wanted help around here and that pretty much fell on deaf ears. My sister did vacuum once or twice but it all stopped completely within two weeks. I can "make" my daughter help, but I cannot force NASTY sister to help at all. I did tell her that if she failed to help, I was going to hire a housekeeper.....then Mom came unglued because I told her it was coming out of her money...as in inheritance!

The truth is there is nothing you can do to make any sibling help you. They stay away because they are glad you are the one stuck with the care giving and if they come around you might ask them for help so they HIDE!!!!

If you can keep your sanity and if you have friends or family to get away with, go out and do it. I honestly rely on my therapist coming to my home every week, there are many times that she is all that keeps me going! You need to find one so you can voice your fears, anger and concerns.

I truly feel for you as your brother is an added burden and he is living off of you and your Mom.

God Bless You!

Yes, I am my mother's POA but I live a long way from her home. I recently sold her home when she had to go into a nursing home, and my brother was so nasty that I had to hire a security guard when I was emptying the home. And now, my mother is insisting that she move in with my brother. This is the worst possible scenario, and the doctors are saying she has a right to make even this bad decision. She is 100 years old. I'm now trying to get set up a way to make all her payments for medications and so on; meanwhile my brother is being investigated for financial abuse! This is definitely a nightmare, and I can sympathize with you a lot. I think you've received some good answers (get your brother a guardian and into a group home, talk with your other siblings about the kind of relationship they want with your mother) and plenty of support. You are lucky to have a good relationship with your mother at least. I don't even have that, because she "blames" me for selling her house, getting her into a nursing home, despite the fact that she's in much better health and better socially than she was for years! Sometimes you just can't win. You can only know that you are doing your best and that might have to be enough. All the best to you and plenty of hugs!

Big {{{HUGS}}} to all of you! I hope that one day our siblings realize how much easier their lives have been because we love our parents enough to put our lives on hold to take care of them and give them a better life. ~Roxanne

AMEN! Roxanne627. The time wasted in the squabbling, envy, jealousy, greediness, nastiness in the relationships is awful. Think of all we could accomplish and how much better our world would be all around if we could reverse the anger into love, forgiveness, compassion, serving each other including our loved ones for whom the caregivers give up so much of their own life. Blessings for everyone! xxxooo

I too am one of four children. My younger brother stayed with mom for 1 1/2 years. He has worked as a caregiver for others, but mom just about drove him crazy. I moved her into my home a year ago and things have gone from bad to worse. My sister, who lives 5 minutes from us, sees mom maybe 15 minutes a week. My other brother, who lives 18 miles away, stops by Saturday or Sunday for an hour. No help at all. I needed to work Christmas Eve and asked my brother, who is retired, to sit with mom. She slept until 11a.m. and he called me at 1 p.m. and said he was ready to go home. Drives me crazy. When I took mom in, my brother and his wife agreed to take her to their home one weekend a month to give me a break. Lasted two months. Mom got confused, wet their bed and was wandering around their house without clothes looking for the bathroom. Instead of helping her, they brought her back to me with her wet clothes for me to wash. I won't do that to her again. They were more upset about their bed than how upset mom was. I wish I could do something to make them want to care for mom. Just visiting would help. But they are too busy and being around mom makes my sister nervous. Give me a break. I mean that literally, Please, give me a break.

In noticed that they get mad really fast when they are trying to hide something. When I married my husband, I accepted his idolizing view of his brothers and their wives....husband is the youngest and very kind (luckily for me) and very busy with his business so he doesn't always have time to think about "trivial" things. He always gives everyone the benefit of any doubt. I took the front seat in caring for his parents. For husband and his parents, I love them, but not his brothers. They treat me subservient. Husband tried to reason with them but they are non committal and liars. Husband has consequentially dealt with the situation by writing the brothers and their families off (very heart breaking for us). One SIL has been calling MIL everyday morning and night for almost 2 years and visits every month or so and recently took her for Christmas. They don't talk to me (the primary caregiver) They come and go as they please taking her regardless of what I planned for her. I let that go, because her interaction with different people is better for her mentally (in my mind) then a missed concert or church outing. I even let go the stupid thoughts she would put into MIL's head (that I would have to mitigate). Recently MIL has been staying with us because of a problem at her house. SIL is still calling the twice a day at MIL's house...not leaving messages. MIL told her she was staying with us. It's like she doesn't care if she talks to MIL or not just that there is a physical record that she calls twice a day...What is she up to? Since they don't feel it's necessary to inform me of their comings and goings with MIL I don't feel it necessary for me to inform them. I offered MIL to call SIL and she said "No, I'm happy,I don't want it" Again, What is SIL up to?

Elizabeth61- I TOTALLY feel your pain. My stomach is upset for you now. I replied the other day on this subject, so disheartening. It blows the mind how "they dont Get it" and how its so easy for them to walk away and leave things in your lap. You know, I would at least feel a bit better if they admitted thier weaknesses and tried to help in "other ways" emotionally, financially, go to an alz seminar, do errands for us, be part of the equation. They're Stressed?? We're Stressed with our tasks and them not giving back in a proper manner. An example: Many times, I asked my brother, that if you go see mom at the rehab, can you let me know? So Im not tripping over myself to get there and worry about her sitting there alone, etc. Just that will aleviate some stress for me. He never does. He appears when it suits his schedule. Im huffing and puffing to get there and there he is, just sitting there. I said jeez I wished you called I couldve went to xyz. He just doesnt want to make the effort to pick up the phone, its so wierd. They're missing the courtesy, respect, sensitivity and love we should all share as siblings together while moms still here. A woman at the rehab said it perfectly...."Honey, don't cha' know one mother can take care of 7 kids, but 7 kids cant take care of 1 mother...." I just said "omg thats so true." (sad but true)
Like my last post basically stated.. Im at a place now where Im exhausted, and beat up...So in our journey, until we get to that place where were sick and tired of being sick and tired, we have to say at some point, ok Im done "cut your losses" (boy what an expression) to save your sanity. We just hurt ourselves over and over again trying to figure them out- and then the anger comes. I have a tense relationship with my sister who's a born-again christian! Talk about trying to figure that one out? Communication to her is confrontation and just backs off....I figured out, its because...she just cant deliver..but of course..."It me", Im too much....the funny thing is Im on eggshells with my words to her, because she does back off. It all just sucks the energy out of you. Bottom line is thier hearts arent open, thier wallets arent open and thier time isnt open. So, start the New year with as much of a clean slate as possible and TRY EVERYDAY to breathe deep to give yourself the clean energy needed for your mom (loved one) and release them. Let go of keeping your fingers crossed hoping for them to rise to the occasion. Its dissapointing but necessary for your own peace of mind. A part of me will always be angry at them, now and when mom passes. I wonder if I'll have a relationship with them? Do I care to after everything. I mean stuff like this show's your true character right? We'll Im trying to get myself peaceful for me and mom. I'll think about them later. Hopefully I'll be a bigger better person from all this or they may have to reap what they soe. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
All the best~

As others have said, you need to get help with the crazy sibling.....but as for the "resentment" you feel, I too have immense resentment with my out of state siblings. I am "The One" who does literally everything for my parent, as you are doing, and I am doing it not only for Free--but to the detriment of my own career. The siblings only visit when it is convenient for them.....but I have dropped everything at work to bring my parent to the ER. My siblings have even begged off of Jury Duty, when they live 14 HOURS away, claiming they "might" have an emergency with our parent!!!!! Honestly!!!!!! When our parent dies, I plan to spend a few hours ALONE with my own thoughts, grieving, BEFORE I ever contact my extremely LAME out of state siblings. So, perhaps what I am saying is, if you feel resentful, you are CORRECT to feel that way, and maybe you need to plan to take some time for yourself at some point, either as I have planned (when my parent dies, I will cherish a few hours without the siblings) or in some other manner. In some way, reserve something for yourself. YOU are the one who is making a difference in your parent's LIFE, not these lame sibling(s). Take PRIDE in what you are doing, even if you are not recognized here on Earth, (I believe) you will receive a reward in the hereafter. God Bless You.