I think my father is speaking negatively about me to other people. He is in the NH right now for physical therapy. I believe he has told others that I put him there and that he had no help when he was home which is a complete lie. Recently I saw one of his close friends and her attitude was different with me and this is not the first time. I think he has done this with his family as well. He has people feeling sorry for him. This is hurtful to me that he would do this but it is so obvious. I know I should not worry about what others think but why would a parent do this? Actually, this has been occurring since I was a child. Whenever we had company over, when I was little, he enjoyed talking about me to others in a negative way.
"You're too sensitive" = "Your feelings don't mean squat to me. How I feel is the right way. And belittling YOU makes ME feel good."
He says you're not doing anything for him? I'd fulfill that. I'd stop doing ANYTHING for him. You'd be doing him a favor by saving him from becoming a liar.
Also note, folks who are mean to folks they feel are obligated to serve them (wives, children) are often quite charming to others. Another trait of the narcissist.
My mother did this as well as criticized me to my face. I finally got fed up with the face to face berating I got and told her “ I didn’t make you old “.
Thanksgiving at my home was the tip of the iceberg, as within 10 minutes of her arrival she showed her true colors by telling my family and grandsons how I took her house away from her, placed her into a (high end) AL facility, and took her money. My husband told her that he’d put her butt back into the car and take her home if she didn’t stop talking about his wife like that! Lastly, when I took her to a medical appt, she spurted out that she would forever haunt me and hoped I’d end up like her.
She causes me angst and I have come to despise her. I do not pick up the phone on every call, nor do I go see her unless she has an appt. I have a very supportive spouse and sister but we are so tired of her behavior, narcissistic attitude, and the fact she has created a toxic environment in our lives, and in the care home she is at. Next step is a mental health evaluation for her and adjusting her meds as what she’s taking isn’t working. And if that doesn’t work, she will be asked to move from her current care home.
I will also be talking with my doctor for guidance, I need to take care of ME!
I wish you the best, please know that you are not alone in this journey. This blog has been forever helpful to me in realizing I’m not the only one going thru hell with my parent. Hugs
A year ago we moved cross country to be closer to my son’s family who had offered help. Sold two family homes and bought one that we could share - so we would be available to help parents. Partner is ret RN, and our being readily available seemed a kind solution to ease them through the twilight of their lives (86 & 88yo) in a kind and gentle manner.
Dad had been diagnosed w MCI about 5 years ago, he was a brilliant engineer with a gift for conversation and a lifetime of always putting others first. But as he declined we began to see that mom wasn’t helping him (denial of his condition). Our move made her condition surface, and after a long wait to be seen by a neurologist, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Not too sure where she is on the timeline of decline - but - she refuses to accept diagnosis.
this last week we finally made the decision to move them both to a memory unit - as he is req more care than we are able to provide and she is always overwhelmed, threatening suicide.
My heart aches, and it all just seems so cruel… but I’m not the first to face this and we will get through it.
I have on occasion told her that while she says hateful things, she forgets them quickly - but they echo in our minds… so no - the day after a verbal attack, we don’t feel we want to be your close friend. I have not learned that ability to provide unconditional love to her when I see how poorly she treats her husband of 67 years.
I have recently petitioned for guardianship, and hear her tell my father “look what she’s done to us.” I calmly tell her I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you. I am accused of stealing all their money and I say I am the steward over their money and am here to make sure they have what they need and are safe. Caring for my parents has truly been the hardest job I could’ve ever imagined… and having one who verbally disparages me to everyone she can just makes it more difficult.
“no good deed goes unpunished”
Wow. It sounds like your mother and mine could be sisters. Too true many of us have parents who are just jerks.
I was always too sensitive as well, always misunderstood her, and never did enough for her. I’ve never been good enough for her and, frankly, I’m much happier now that I’ve stopped trying.
If it helps to know that you aren't alone, then please know you aren't.
The information passed on is rarely accurate and it can take awhile before the truth comes out and hearts are healed.
It’s frustrating when parents stir the pot and involve other people. It can become uncomfortable and at times embarrassing for us. The only thing that truly matters is that you know the truth.
Actually, even though it hurts that untruths are told, it isn’t something that you have any control over.
Unless it’s an important matter, don’t even bother to defend yourself. Chances are more lies from your parent will come forth. Why waste your time and energy on this?
We have to find ways to be at peace from within. Never judge yourself according to what others think, feel or say about you.
Finding self awareness will bring peace into your life. When you reach a point where these things no longer bother you, you have worked through it.
My therapist once told me that we don’t get over something. We work through our difficulties to move past them.
Wishing you all the best.
OP, another way to look at it: when someone acts aloof with you as your father's friend did, chances are very good that it isn't about you. Most of these people aren't terribly shy--if she were really judging you based on your father's complaints, wouldn't she have been more likely to scold you that you need to be paying more attention to your poor father? Passive-aggressively snubbing the person rarely gets the point across as well!
It still hurts though.
I'm sorry to say, but there is not much you can do with the elderly and their perception of pure nonsense. I found out that trying to correct the behavior is a waste of time and only made me more upset especially when dealing with someone super old and up in years. Put up boundaries. Lessen visits when you need to.