Anyone out there tired of everyone else in the family just assuming they will do all the caregiving?

It feels like everyone is used to me being there and doing what I do. At times it bothers me, but I don't know if I would do anything any different. I have done all I can do at this point. I don't know what I/we as a family would have done if I hadn't retired last year... I do feel I make all the decisions, when I actually make the suggestions and ask my other 4 siblings what they thing. They just seem to go along with everything. Maybe I make it easy for them.

My real problem is with my sister-in-law. She has not offered to help with Mom. (Mom has declined in the past 8 months.) My sil has been at Mom's maybe 3 times in the past year.

My sil has been in the family for over 40 years. She is also the only other able-bodied female in my family. Sometimes it is good to have a female help. (My sister has MS and wheelchair bound.) There is only so much my brothers can do. My aunt (Mom's sister) has offered to sit with Mom so I can do run errands. So, that has been a help.

I talked to my brother about it my sil, even saying that I realize Mom is not her mother. But, my brother reminded me that he helped her with her father and sister. Then I hit me that she would be helping her husband (my brother), and not necessarily me.

My brother also told me that when I used to drop Mom off at their house (when Mom was much more mobile). My sister-in-law would go into their office and play games on her iPad the whole time Mom was visiting. (Rude.)

Recently, my sil has said some real inappropriate things -- like one time she was at Mom's and I was cleaning out the refrigerator -- I thought some lunch meat had been there a little too long, so I was going to toss it. My sil said, "Well, your Mom would go faster" [die, if I fed her bad meat]... To that I said, "That wasn't nice."

Then a few weeks ago, when I had her hem some curtains for me, I was real appreciative and thanked her. She told me that she would rather hem curtains than take care of Mom. So, why would I want her to help now???

Maybe my brother said something to her about that because my sil addressed that with me the other day. She said it is hard for her to say what is in her heart. She said she has lost her entire family (2 sisters, one half sister, and parents over the past 20 years), and she has a hard time helping me with Mom because of it.

I always thought of my sil as a very giving person. It is bothersome to see this side of her. I know of other people who go out of their way to help others who are going through what they went through while taking care of their loved ones. So, I find what she is telling me as just excuses.

I did talk to her and my brother at the same time last week, hoping they (both) would help out last Sunday when I wasn't in town. Apparently, she came with dinner, but did not help during the day when it was really needed.

So, I will continue to do what I do without her help.

Snizzer, yes, yes, yes. I'm the only one who is out of state -- 11 hours drive away. Mom will talk to my brother, complaining about something, who will call me and have ME call the AL staff. Sheesh! No one local can even make a phone call!

Why do the brothers get let off and you assume SIL is supposed to help more?

Kimber166, because Mom does not want the men bathing her, cleaning her after a poop, or just seeing her naked!  She refuses to let them in the bathroom. (And she is a major fall risk.) I wouldn't even ask my husband to do what I do for Mom. He wouldn't feel comfortable, nor would Mom.

My one brother has pulmonary fibrosis and leukemia. He can only help her so much or he gets out of breath. Mom will not allow my other brother help her -- even change her clothes. So, I am left to do that after he spends the night on Saturdays (where he just makes sure she stays safe). He also comes some days and sits so I can run errands. My third brother lives in another state and has only been to visit once in the past 3 months. My sister lives next door, but is wheelchair-bound (like I said), and only has use of one arm. So, the only other family member I have is my sil. We have been like sisters over the years.  But, it's not even about helping me. She would be helping her husband (my brother) with his mother, like he helped her when she cared for her father and sister. She doesn't even have to do as much as he did. She could offer to sit with Mom for a few hours. I am with Mom 12 hours a day.  

Have you considered asking for help from family members in terms of money used to hire help? Explored respite care possibilities? People are sometimes willing to pay, but not to do hands-on themselves.

Personally, i think you are asking a lot of your SIL if you expect her to clean your mom's behind. I seriously doubt your brother helped your SIL wipe her dad/sister's behinds. some other solutions are needed besides expecting all of this from your sister in law. Paid professional help or facility

Actually, Kimber166, my brother did. And, my sil did help Mom on Christmas after I left that day (and 2 other times she was at her house). Mom was hesitant at first, but my sil was insistent. Even if my sil offered to sit for a few hours, that does not mean Mom won't sleep the whole time, as she usually does. But, I know my sil, and she would do it if she had to.

rova, I do have another post about Mom going to respite care for 5 days next week while I go out of town. But, now it looks like my one brother is leaning against it and would rather have her home.

The in-home care I have coming in at night is being paid for out of Mom's account (which is dwindling). Everyone in my family is on a fixed income -- either retired or on disability, so we don't have money to pitch in for care, which is right now $5000 per month. When she is out of money, she will probably have to go into a NH and let Medicaid pick it up. That will probably be in about 3 months if Mom is still with us.

I understand completely.. My mom has Dementia and my step father has Alzheimer. I was sharing responsibility with my sister.. My sister was the one that wanted them to come to live in our state so they could be taken care of better. I agree
only if we did it together.. We have been taking care of them together until of last week.. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer in the nasal cavity. He doesnt start any therapy or surgery until the end of this month. My brother in law was diagnose the beginning of March and they were watching my parents until of last week. They just dump my parents in my lap. They dont even help or even ask if they could do any... I understand he has cancer but I was at least expecting for my sister to take at least a couple of days since she doesnt work. I need a freaking break. BUT NOTHING... My sister said they are going to spend time with her family and and her adult children and make memories just incase.. They don't even know the stages the cancer is in yet.. Isn't your parents part of family that you want to create memories with. Our parents has a disease that's not cureable. They could die any time due to their age being 89 and 81.

I am the main caregiver also. I have 6 brothers and no sisters. Only 2 help. Others are “busy” or self centered. Hard not to be resentful. Trying to be thankful for the 2 that help when they can. Part of it is my mothers fault too. She just expects me to do it all because I’m a girl! Been a battle all my life! I take time with my husband as much as I can and don’t feel guilty. There is no money for extra care so it’s mostly up to me. Even my 2 good brothers don’t really understand all I do! I’m trying to appreciate my time with my mom while she is here. Maybe one day my brothers will thank me. Not holding my breath

Cheryl, I hear you. I think we just do what we need to do. My brothers seem to appreciate what I do; but it causes them to take a step back and let me do whatever. My out-of-state brother told the social worker that I was the hero :-/. Not sure what that was about... I doubt my kids would care for me as I do for my mother, though, so I'd better start saving money for my care!

No solitary caregiver can do it for an extended period without aid. They will experience caregiving burnout.

Dear Snizzer, I have such a "nice" sister too. She lives abroad and that has always been the excuse for not caring if our parents live or die. I dont have any kids too, which always meant I had to give my life away for my parents. The worse part is a) not only she doesnt appreciate my offering, but she used to fight with me because she doesnt think much of me. Every time, I begged for a tiny help, she just ignored me. b) my late father was arguing with me all the time while was lookin forward for a call from her and the grandchildren and after he passed, my mother became very hostile too. The main reason I think it was I got too tired, too nervous  doing everything, see I had no life but my sister was always the good daughter, for she was sweetalker on the phone of course and had the children 
The result is my mother after a visit from a psychiatrist who tried to help her with her depression, called a cousin and the good daughter to save her and they shouted at me. I became furious, angry, after some arguments I emailed my sister that she has to take care of her from now on. I
m fed up. I have to live, peacefully. I also found out that while I had been taking care of my mother, she gave her house to my sister and not to 
me(behind my back).  
So, dont beg for anything. Demand and be carefull, dont show your sensitivity, for they will walk all over you

RosiePap, what a terrible story. My heart goes out to you. Hugs.

Rosiepap , payback is a bit**. She’ll get hers. But find your peace. My heart is with you.{{{{{}}}} hugs.

I really think all of us pretty much feel like this in the last three years my husband and i have only seen each other when we go on vacation and our vacations are going on a long weekend in July and the end of August but this year we went to the Bahamas and let everything go my father in law has been declining he has brain damage and in the last three months he got old as his friends would say and he forgot to eat and take his medication he forgot he didn’t have a car anymore and he fell in January I had to call an ambulance because I couldn’t get him off the couch he had broken a rib and he lost 30 pounds the thing is I am the one that does pretty much everything for him my husband does do his finances my name is all over his paperwork see in 2012 when my mother in law was dying I was there 24/7 he and I took care of her the three boys were in denial and when he had his accident my husband and I had to teach him everything to function and he did pretty good but he is declining anyway he had to go to rehabilitation nursing care the month of January and then I took my mom to the cardiovascular doctor on February 2nd and this little dot on her foot grew a lot so she said she had a foot doctor appointment but it was the following week so I stayed the week I came home because there was a blizzard coming and it was my birthday so I was home Friday Saturday and Sunday Monday I was finally seeing my stomach doctor then my father in law had a doctor appointment but I had to take him from the nursing home the doctor is the same doctor that’s at the nursing home he saw him Saturday and my father in law agreed he can’t live by himself but Monday he said he could I then took him to his coffee shop to see his friends we had lunch and as I am leaving my mom called she asked me if I could watch her dog she had to go to the hospital so I throw my dog in the car and left oh I did drop him off so I go back I didn’t get home until two days before our vacation and the doctor told me that he would be there until the middle of March no so February 24 th we had to move him to live with my brother in law he wanted to live with us and we had to move him out of his apartment by March 1 st and I had to find a home for his cat and the first 24 hours up there he let their dog out and she was hit by a car and died and during this I am trying to get Home health set up for my mom her foot was awful and Home health doesn’t come every day and I am going to be gone and my brother and his wife live right up the road but that’s not happening so I got my cousins to help out but the closes provider is an hour away and it will cost 40% copay so I am trying to get an exception and then her supplies weren’t going to be covered I had to leave for my pain Clinic appointment you do not miss this the day before we left she was supposed to go to the hospital and then the day after we left she was supposed to go to the hospital she finally went 4 days later but I have never felt like I did at the Bahamas we didn’t realize how much we need each other and our lives too and back in 2015 I was gone the whole summer taking care of her ulcer on her foot I asked my brother if he could help out because I had appointments they were busy so my 85 year old daddy wrapped it I got to come home from December til May when my daddy was diagnosed with esophageal cancer I took him to radiation and physical therapy every day then I went to my aa meeting my brother went crazy on me saying I was gone 30 years and I just come down there and cause trouble my daddy died December of 2016 then I was gone to treatment for 6 months for anorexia which I have been dealing with for 39 years and I addressed childhood trauma it was the hardest thing I ever had to do I got out we went on vacation and then I had to have a stent placed in my pancreatic duct I have this disease that I was born with called pancreatic divisium one of the surgeries they messed up and cut the tail of my pancreas off so I am on disability and I have no children and I worked at blue cross and blue shield so I take care of the insurance for every one sorry I am all over the place so I didn’t know anything about her foot being so bad so the day we were coming home I was almost in tears I just feel like I can’t do it anymore we got to Chicago at midnight called mom no answer called again nothing and I was not calling my brother he just unblocked me from December 2016 she was also watching my dog and her dog two hours later we got there it’s dark the dog are blocked in the family room no mom I don’t know why but I called the hospital and she was there but the clerk didn’t know anything her friend called and told me she had her big toe and part of her foot amputated then my brother came down he told me not to blame myself and I actually didn’t because it was going to happen if I was there or not then she thought she was coming home in a couple days she had to get antibiotics twice a day physical therapy and then her foot everyone was trying to convince her to go to the rehabilitation center she said Penny can do it the antibiotics are for 8 weeks but I had to be tough she went my brother actually went to see her but his biggest concern was is insurance paying see the farm is worth almost 3 million dollars he doesn’t want to lose it but she comes first and then he will say that to her but he bitches to me well my daddy’s will was sent to probate and he went crazy it is split down the middle so I get half of the money the farm makes and if I passed before my husband he will get it and then my nieces but left my brothers wife out of the will he was so angry and then he said where has your husband been for 30 years there is a theme here and he doesn’t know my husband and when it comes to money people get crazy he has been asking my mom to sign the farm over to him for years were we supposed to be living with my parents at 50 years old and if my parents needed us we were right there but now he is taking it out on my mom but the will doesn’t matter because it’s my moms he said he will not go see her and if she comes home she will be all alone how can someone be so mean and to call your mom the devil and my moms will is what counts and she is giving him 280 acres minus 10 acres that we get but he isn’t happy with it he wants all of it she said she wish that they loved her not her money and then I told her that I have never seen you so happy she said that people here think more of her than her own son then he said he is done and we will sell it and divide it three ways i wanted to scream he has nothing to sell it’s hers isn’t it ironic that he said that my husband would go crazy with the money he needs to look in the mirror i have learned to have no expectations with him and I know he will disappoint me and my mom I feel so bad for her and I know I have to take care of myself but who is going to take care of her then my father in law will be moving in with us sooner rather than later and My mom was going to come up our house has three bedrooms but they’re upstairs we are turning the den into a bedroom the house is only 1800 square foot so our life is on hold too I hope this doesn’t sound awful but it’s going to be this way for a while and I am just trying to do the best I can and turning it over to god oh my god I am really sorry I just wrote my life story it’s crazy but I start and I can’t stop 🛑

Mapotter—So as you discribe the situation, a good group of relatives DO help but you object because you don’t like their attitudes, reasons for helping or whatever else you object to?

You get a lot more help than you can or want to see. This is a petty rant!

Dear Rosie,

I can relate. It's hard being the sibling that does all the hard labor and feeling left behind. I'm so sorry. What you wrote about showing your sensitivity and being walked on really resonated with me. Everyone in my family thinks I'm too tender hearted for my own good.

Now that my father, grandmother and aunt have passed. I am trying more and more to take care of myself. Its a long road still. But good for you for taking a stand and looking out for yourself.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

Sometimes you realize there's only one oxygen mask and it belongs to you. My health was being severely affected from care-giving so we decided to put my demented Dad in a home. He has railed at the universe ever since and it's been awful. But it was either him or me: to make him happy I had to relinquish my entire life, neglect my spouse & kids, and become a shell of my former self. I would take my own life before inflicting this on my own kids - it's horrifying to me. The guilt is there but it was there anyway, because you can't take care of everyone. Put yourself first, do what you can, and delegate.

Vancouver5 you hit the nail on the head. When it starts effecting your life, your no good to them if your not at the top of your game. It’s hard to step back and look, you do things out of love, don’t let it turn to hate. Enough is enough, put your self first and your in a better state of mind to help them. {{{}}} hugs to you. yuki

I used to get upset when someone asked "Where's Mom?" "Where's Grandma?" As if we were a couple! Now, I am the sole caregiver and I have fantasies of payback at the funeral if I should out-live my Mother. I'm not sure how this will play out, and for now I just try to make her life better for each day she has, that is what is important to me right now. But, I sure am enjoying my revenge fantasies!

Forgotten.. I also get that with my parents. My siblings and other relatives ask about my parents like we are a couple as well. Are you guys going to go out to dinner, on vacation..etc. I miss the days when they looked at me as a whole and independent person.

I think family members sometimes have wildly divergent plans/expectations for the care of the elderly person, and this can come to light when people are asked to pitch in and help. Especially when a person needs 24/7 care, some relatives may believe it's time for a nursing home while other (closer, more invested) family members may believe that the person should be kept at home and that everyone should pitch in to help make that possible. 

We had sort of the opposite occur in my family. A few years back, my eldest sister took it upon herself to obtain a hospital bed for our mother. This sister barely helped with Mom at all even though she lived close by. When questioned, my sister said "Well, if we intend to keep Mom at home until the end, she's going to need this eventually." I thought it was mighty heavy-handed for a person who contributed almost nothing to assume that "we intend to keep Mom at home until the end." The hospital bed was never used and was eventually recycled, although Mom is still at home. The decision to keep Mom at home "until the end" has not been made, and that probably won't be the outcome unless Mom dies in her sleep with no advance notice.

I answered earlier but have been thinking about this for several months. Enough. I need a life. My parent that I am caring for had a fabulous life. Traveling, partying and having a great time. ME? no. I am here cleaning poo off the floor and walls and 2am as well as playing hand maid 13 hours a day. Enough. as in. I have realized no one in the family is coming to help. So I am having paid help come to help before this kills me. It is what it is, but I realize I would like a life of some sort. You should do it too.  Carve out a little time for yourself 

I was in the same dilemma with my MIL. I finally backed off, call the Home Care office and told them to start calling my husband instead of me. Met with the long term Home Care nurse and told her to put my husband down as the contact person and he would be going to the quarterly meetings. Told all the siblings that we would be on extended vacation during the summer months. We would not be available to care for her during that time. Now my husband and his siblings are all on board that maybe it is time that a nursing home visit is in order. His siblings all live out of town. I now have my own mother to care for but at least my sister is willing to travel 6 hours to help me out. Some of us are fortunate to have parents that loved and cared for us while we were growing. I want to foster that relationship with my mom. Working fulltime does not allow me the time to take care of two moms. Something has to give. Maybe your sister could help out monetarily.

Yes, but they will be back when it is time to collect the inheritance.