I take care of everything snow. Yard care, pets maintenance on home, run all his errands take him to all appointments or social events, do the shopping cook his meals, serve him in his chair, pickup dishes when he's done its like he's my child I get food stamps and have to spend them on feeding him and what he wants. How much should I be getting paid because to even get gas money he gets mad he has to give me even $5 I gave up a home I was buying now I have no life at all please tell me how I should approach the topic of needing to be paid I have not even a dollar to my name
I suppose that SF can't afford live-in help and you thought you should live with him and help out so you could save money. You aren't doing yourself any favors. If he can afford live-in help and you want to continue as his caregiver, insist on a contract and then he pays you. If he can't, you need to get a job. That's this thing where you not only get paid but possibly get benefits like health insurance, retirement plan, a paid vacation every year, and perks like a Christmas bonus. Lots of people have them, and you could too.
Please start looking for a job and inform SF that you'll be moving on when you get one. If you don't take care of yourself, who will?
As for SF, get social services involved, and inform them that you won't be taking care of him anymore. In truth, you have no obligation to be his caregiver. NONE. He's manipulated you and barricaded you into a corner that you need to escape for your own good. Do it ASAP, and good luck.
You need to have a sit down talk with him. This is when you name your price and state your demands if he wants you to continue being his caregiver. Make it very plain to him that he is not going to get free services from anyone including you. He has a choice.
He meets your pay requirements and demands, or you will leave him to fend for himself which will result in one of two things. Either he will neglect himself and go downhill to the point where the state will put him in a nursing home or he will die.
This generation seniors needs to start understanding that no one owes them anything and to drop the entitled attitude that their kids will become slaves to their old age. The only way they will learn is if people like you start standing up for yourself and making demands of your own.
If it would cost 100.00 a week or month for yard maintenance, you get paid that. Where I live, you can pay some guy $55.00 weekly to come pick up dog poo. A private cook or chef charges by number of meals, house cleaner gets paid hourly, you get the idea but, it is different costs in different markets, you need to make the calls for your area and get written quotes or estimates.
My question is: are you slated, for a certainty, seen the will, know the debts vs assets certainty, that you are the sole heir? If not, you can not count on inheritance, so at a minimum, he should be paying you minimum wage for all your hours and paying for food and fuel for himself.
This kind of payment would be terrific but it's not realistic. What is realistic is getting fair compensation in writing. Like real estate if the senior has some or insurance policies put into your name. Actual cash money as well.
What I think and can say from personal experience, is that family caregivers just want to be treated with some basic respect by the "loved ones" they take care of. Yet sadly basic human decency and respect seems to be the one thing that so many of our beloved seniors with family caregivers cannot give.
Instead of accepting that they'd be sh*t out of luck without us and treating us with basic decency and respect, we are abused and treated with less regard than a bag of garbage left on the side of the road. It's not even about the money most of the time. It really isn't.
I am NOT being facetious here. I am serious. You are miserable! Would you offer this free labor to anyone else without pay? Probably not.
You must have some sort of emotional attachment with this man. Guess what? He doesn’t have any emotional attachment to you. If he did, he would be paying you.
To put it bluntly, you are allowing yourself to be used. Stop giving him your permission to do so.
Give him notice and tell him, ‘Good luck finding someone else who will be willing to help for free.’ Trust me, later on, this guy will be nothing but a distant memory for you.
Don’t dwell on the heartache. Heal and move forward.
Others won’t share your views. The poster is crying out for help. She is miserable.
I too was a longtime caregiver and I would never do it again. I certainly don’t expect anyone to sacrifice their life for me.
We can love someone with all of our hearts, but not be willing to sacrifice everything for them.
If a person is treated poorly by the person they are caring for it is all the more reason to leave and allow others (preferably a facility) to take over their caregiving responsibilities.
Did you step into this because of an emergency? It's time to step out.
Also, for me it would be a 100% dealbreaker if SF didn't assign you as his DPoA. If he has or develops dementia he can become very stubborn, unreasonable, irrational and uncooperative. This will make providing him the care he requires very difficult, even with legal authority.
You are not morally or ethically obligated to provide his hands-on care. Since you mention you are alread on food stamps, it sounds like you need to consider extricating yourself and get a real, FT job with benefits, vacation and a future, that pays into *your* SS so that *you* have resources for your own care, eventually.
More to consider:
- you definitely need him to sign a written employment contract and know that there is some auto-pay option (in case he devolves into paranoia and thinks you're stealing from him -- this is a very common dementia behavior)
- you need to have other people involved so that you're not working more than 40 a week, since 24/7 by yourself care will burn you out on every level (even though SF probably wants and expects this... no).
- once you are paid to care for him the IRS sees you as his employee. He will need to do withholding on your paychecks (SS, Medicare, etc), quarterly reporting and create your W2 at the end of every year. He can hire a bookkeeper to do this.
If you honestly think this can't/won't happen then your other viable option is to walk away and report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. They will come in to help and at some point will acquire guardianship for him, transitioning him into appropriate care and managing all his medical and financial affairs. He will go onto Medicaid. If he owns a house then upon his death Medicaid will put a reclamation lien on it so that when it changes ownership, they get reimbursed for his care.
Warning: do not accept a verbal promise to "give" you his house or any other assets. If he doesn't have a Last Will created by an attorney making this official, then it can't happen (or extremely unlikely). And even if this does happen, re-read the paragraph above about the Medicaid reimbursement.
Also please read the many, many posts on this forum under Burnout from well-meaning people who thought they could provide all the care for a declining senior. In the end it is your decision but people on this forum will wave lots of red flags at you for very good reasons. Please take those warnings to heart.