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Sas, tell them to come on over! Tell them that your house is open ANYTIME they want to do a drive by and if they have concerns about a 'hostage situation' then, by all means, they're more than welcome to come and 'rescue' mom and take her to 'safety' at THEIR house!
How true, getting old is not for sissies. Good point, palmstrees.
How many of these seniors in Florida were caregivers to their own parents? Bet not many, thus their health is better because they didn't have the on going stress of being locked in one place to care for their parents or another older relative.
Sounds like emjo has her feet on the ground - and has lived in this kind of reality. Consider carefully what she has said, and use what you can. Yes, family Caregiving is exhausting, and critical, all-knowing, unhelpful family members only make it more stressful.
You are correct freqflyer, it is just ashamed so many of us live so far from each other today. I live in Florida, mom in alabama, one daughter in Boston, another in North Carolina, and the youngest in virginia. Airfare alone has cost me quite a bit this year.
Since I do live in Florida I am around a lot of seniors who travel all over the world. I am not sure how they do it but they do. My sister in law is 74 and goes to France all of the time. She is however in excellent condition and looks 55.
We also have to remember that our aging parents and relatives think we are still kids, that we love to travel and drive anywhere.... but that changes as we get older.
We have senior citizens driving older senior citizens, and not all of us "love" to drive any more. I am unable to convince my parents, who are in their 90's, that I hate to drive.... a ten mile trip is now my limit. All my parents remember is me in my teens and early 20's driving across country on family vacations.... [sigh].
We also have to remember our exhaustion level.... going shopping is a piece of cake compared to traveling by air. All the air travel I did without any problems is now history as we age. My significant, other sees his grown children and their children once a year... he said it's become too tiring for him... especially the back pain from sitting on an airplane after sitting an hour or so in those uncomfortable chairs in the airline waiting room. Five years ago he would have been the first at the airport ready to travel. His daughter, who is 38, just doesn't understand that, she thinks her Dad should have the same energy level as she has.
Sayscargiver, as someone who does a lot of the traveling to "visit" my family, it is always easier to sit around my comfortable home and have company come to me than it is to pay for an airline ticket and do all of the traveling. So your sisters want their 93 year old mom to fly to visit them. Of course that is easier for them. Just like my mom when the kids were little, she wanted me to pack up three kids, spend all the money on airline tickets or drive all day because she didn't want to be inconvenienced.
I think you should simply tell them "mom is too old and fragile to travel". And she is!
Sorry freqflyer, but I am 62. I travel to three different states by plane to visit with my girls. I will do this until I am disabled or ill and can no longer do so. My mother is healthy, financially well off and drives around shopping all of the time. She just wants her way. She doesn't want me to visit for over 2 or 3 days when I come. She has been this way since she was 35.
So I would tell the sisters what I tell mom, "sure wish you would come for a visit"
So if I get the picture right, you are holding your mother hostage in that your sisters feel you should gaily leap on a plane with your mother in tow and fly across the continent for the privilege of seeing them, is that it?
Er, who's paying? Where's the appropriate accommodation and who's arranging it? How much time off work are you going to be compensated for, and by whom? And how do they plan to assist with getting your mother back on track at home once the wear and tear of the journey catch up with her?
Tell them the hostage is 'at home' to visitors whenever they wish to see her. Red Cross parcels gratefully accepted. Otherwise - I'd never be so rude, of course, but - my daughter would raise her middle finger and enunciate "sit on this and spin."
My Mom will turn on me sometimes, mostly when I want her to do things, like showering, but she wants what she wants, so I know what you mean. I work with her to keep her out of the NH and with me because she is healthy and not medicated. Since New Years though, she had a mild heart attack and two stent procedures and also a light stroke. I think my sisters are just mad I won't let them treat me as if I were their employee, and that they want to treat her the same old way they treated her two years ago when she still lived alone.
Why do they think you're holding her hostage? Because you don't bring her to see them more often? I know they can't expect her to travel across the country by herself. Could it be something that your mother told them that is making them think you're the bad guy?
I have a brother whose family lives about an hour away. They rarely come to visit. My brother calls occasionally. My mother feels it is my place to drive out to see them. If I say no, she starts in on how I should feel that I need and want to do this. She feels it is my responsibility to reach out to the family. It is something that no one in my family has ever done outside me. So I get the blame that she doesn't see my brother more often. I drive her out sometimes, but they never seem happy to see us. My mother is ready to leave in an hour or two, so I wonder why bother.
I should say my Mom loves to travel and travels well because then she gets my undivided attention. It's just the stress my sisters put us through is unbearable for the both of us.
Yes, you read it right, they are my sisters. Boy, do I feel isolated but this is helpful. Please feel free to tell me more about your situations, if you don't mind, and not because misery loves company because I am a therapist, which makes this all the more ridiculous.
Palmstrees, I am 67 years old and stopped traveling about 4 years ago... I had a serious illness that has left me fearful of traveling and leaving my comfort zone.
Going by plane is very taxing for the bravest of traveler now a days as you need to get to the airport 2 hours early, even for a 45 minute flight, then there is the security part which can be stressful at times.
My mother-in-law is 88 and she feels the same way about traveling. I really miss seeing her but we enjoy each other's company via telephone. So don't be too hard on your mother.
I may have read "sisters" wrong. They are your mother's sisters not your sibs? It is the same general picture in either case. They are not healthy and the flack they create can be ignored as much as possible. I know it adds to the stress. ((((((hugs))))) And they wonder why many caregivers die before their care receivers...
Holding a person with dementia hostage.....? I think it is the other way around. Maybe one of her sisters has dementia as well or the elevator does not go up to the top floor. I don't think you owe them any justification when they make accusations like that. You know in your heart what you do/don't do for your mother. Tell them she is unable to travel. If it makes you feel better take some happy pictures of your mom...... send them to the biddies say we are having fun wish you were here (Not). Does your mom even know who her sisters are anymore? My mother in law does not know her brother anymore..... maybe they don't know the extent of her dementia.
(((((((sas))))))) Welcome to the club. You are not alone. There could be a website devoted to entirely to uncaring, bullying, critical siblings. You say that this is not new to you. The patterns that develop early in a family get played out with more drama at certain times, one of them being when a parent gets old and needs extra care. The bullying sibs take this opportunity to criticise the care/caregiver. In some cases, one of the bullies is also the "golden child" favoured by the parent, which makes life particularly hard for the caregiver. I have been accused of "having a vested interest in my mother's demise", while the one who has accused me is the one who has received financial favours in the past and who has openly stated that she wants all the inheritance. Go figure. She is not a healthy person and it looks like your sibs aren't either. I think you are right - limit interaction and let it be. Since the last volley of accusations, I have had no contact with my sis. I feel no obligation to keep her informed about mother, or to communicate with her in any way. I will see that she is informed if mother becomes seriously ill and/or when mother dies; however, that may not be for sometime as mother is pretty physically healthy. In the meanwhile, I do what I have to to protect myself, and along the way, develop a tougher skin.
Take care of you. Caregiving is hard enough without the extra interference. Pat yourself on the back for doing a good job and do something good for you - just for you - today.
I really don't know what to do at this point. I am 60, already exhausted, and this is just more pressure on me. They have turned on me and involved the whole family. I feel sure I am ok to limit the interaction with them and let them be. I can't seem to do or say anything without getting all this made-up crap and it's just an effort to distract me, get at me, punish me in some way, their bullying is certainly nothing new.
Your mom is 93. They need to do the traveling. At 68 my mother decided to just stop coming to Florida to visit her grand daughters. She was perfectly healthy. I told her, well I guess you don't want to see your grand daughters do you. And I left it at that. It was just her manipulating and trying to get her way. She still doesn't visit but that is not my fault. And now they hardly know her. Her choice, her results.
It is a cover up for their guilt so they don't have to feel it. Do they really think the average 93 year old is up for long distance travel (sure, some are, but not many!) let alone 93 years old with Alz/dementia?? If they do, they are not thinking, and just not wanting to feel what they should feel.
Thank you- I know, this is so off the walls, but still so hurtful. No way I could do any more. I take her there, I call and em them. I have done everything I know to get them to come but they refuse. They are not coming, always some excuse that this is my fault. There is a lot of drama, obviously.
Thats a short question with a lot of details that could be left out. I have a similar short story and first thing comes to my mind when dealing with my sibs is a little less talk and a little more action. Otherwise they can kiss it. lol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sas, tell them to come on over! Tell them that your house is open ANYTIME they want to do a drive by and if they have concerns about a 'hostage situation' then, by all means, they're more than welcome to come and 'rescue' mom and take her to 'safety' at THEIR house!
How many of these seniors in Florida were caregivers to their own parents? Bet not many, thus their health is better because they didn't have the on going stress of being locked in one place to care for their parents or another older relative.
Since I do live in Florida I am around a lot of seniors who travel all over the world. I am not sure how they do it but they do. My sister in law is 74 and goes to France all of the time. She is however in excellent condition and looks 55.
Getting old is not for sissies.
We have senior citizens driving older senior citizens, and not all of us "love" to drive any more. I am unable to convince my parents, who are in their 90's, that I hate to drive.... a ten mile trip is now my limit. All my parents remember is me in my teens and early 20's driving across country on family vacations.... [sigh].
We also have to remember our exhaustion level.... going shopping is a piece of cake compared to traveling by air. All the air travel I did without any problems is now history as we age. My significant, other sees his grown children and their children once a year... he said it's become too tiring for him... especially the back pain from sitting on an airplane after sitting an hour or so in those uncomfortable chairs in the airline waiting room. Five years ago he would have been the first at the airport ready to travel. His daughter, who is 38, just doesn't understand that, she thinks her Dad should have the same energy level as she has.
I think you should simply tell them "mom is too old and fragile to travel". And she is!
So I would tell the sisters what I tell mom, "sure wish you would come for a visit"
Er, who's paying? Where's the appropriate accommodation and who's arranging it? How much time off work are you going to be compensated for, and by whom? And how do they plan to assist with getting your mother back on track at home once the wear and tear of the journey catch up with her?
Tell them the hostage is 'at home' to visitors whenever they wish to see her. Red Cross parcels gratefully accepted. Otherwise - I'd never be so rude, of course, but - my daughter would raise her middle finger and enunciate "sit on this and spin."
I have a brother whose family lives about an hour away. They rarely come to visit. My brother calls occasionally. My mother feels it is my place to drive out to see them. If I say no, she starts in on how I should feel that I need and want to do this. She feels it is my responsibility to reach out to the family. It is something that no one in my family has ever done outside me. So I get the blame that she doesn't see my brother more often. I drive her out sometimes, but they never seem happy to see us. My mother is ready to leave in an hour or two, so I wonder why bother.
Going by plane is very taxing for the bravest of traveler now a days as you need to get to the airport 2 hours early, even for a 45 minute flight, then there is the security part which can be stressful at times.
My mother-in-law is 88 and she feels the same way about traveling. I really miss seeing her but we enjoy each other's company via telephone. So don't be too hard on your mother.
Take care of you. Caregiving is hard enough without the extra interference. Pat yourself on the back for doing a good job and do something good for you - just for you - today.