Borderline personality mother wants to move in with me. Any advice?
I will try to keep this short and only stick to pertinent details. I am in my 30s. My mother is in her 60s. I am her only family and thus only caregiver. She is not married. I am her only child. She has no siblings. She has no contact with extended family. She has no actual friends. She has an array of health issues. Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and severe anxiety and panic attacks. She does not drive farther than a mile from her house. I drive her to and from her various doctor's appointments and errands on a weekly basis. Background-- I strongly suspect that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly is Narcissistic as well. As a child she would have me deal with extremely adult things. She cast me as the middleman between her and my father when they were divorcing. She wrote out scripts for me to follow and demanded that I call him and his friends on the phone and say certain things. She threatened me with various punishments if I did not have the right tone of voice, etc. She claims to remember none of this because it was a traumatic time for her. She has no interest in hearing about anything in my life unless it's something she can belittle or compare herself to where she comes out shining. If I try to leave her house in the middle of an argument, in the past she's actually laid down on the driveway and dared me to run her over, trapping me. She has gotten physical with me before and told me if I touched her that she would tell her doctors that I was abusing her. This hasn't happened in years, but still bothers me. If I say something wrong or laugh at the wrong time, she demands an apology--in the exact tone she requests, then insists that I have a mental illness and that I am a toxic person in her life. She will go on tirades about all I've done wrong in life, spittle flying from her mouth, getting in my face, hatred in her eyes... Ok-- enough of that. Just wanted to detail on what I'm dealing with her. I've learned to cope with the weekly or biweekly appointments. HOWEVER... She has always said in what I thought was a joking tone of voice, that she wants to live with me. It was only a comment here and there, maybe three a year. I never thought she was serious. Yesterday while carting her here and there, she kept repeating that she WILL live with me in her old age. The thought makes me feel panicked. The thought of her living with me sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. I went through 18 years of living with her and it felt like 50. My childhood and teenage years were not normal because of her antics. I feel like somehow, someway, she will find a way to live with me. She will show up on my porch with her belongings in a moving van and instruct me to move her in. If I refuse I could vividly see her calling the police and telling them she was being abused, and inflicting an injury on herself. I'm sorry for the length-- but can some experienced caregivers please tell me what to do to prevent this from becoming a reality?
Moms always feel like the boss in our minds. We grew up having to mind them. They were our guardians. When they get older, we still should respect them if they've earned the respect, but we don't have to mind them anymore. No matter how much they bully and yell, we can still say that we could never do something.
If all else fails, you can get a big dog and teach it to growl at your mother. Just playing here, but it doesn't sound like a bad idea.
Your mom no longer has control over you. As Jeanne says, if she threatens to call the authorities, call them first and tell them that she is in dire need of assistance.
You might have to arrange for her care, paid for by her, or by public assi9, but you are in no legal sense obligated to care for her yourself or provide her with a domicile. She is blowing smoke at you.
Stop taking her to doctor appointments. Im sure there is senior transport in her area. Let her do for herself.
Under no circumstances should you allow your mother to move in. She threatens to call the police? Hand her your cell phone. Better yet, close the door and call the police yourself.
I feel sorry for your mother. I really do. I don't think people with her mental illness wished for it or can help it. I hope she gets the care she needs in a professional setting. But for the sake of your sanity, pull your adult self together and refuse to let her ruin your life.
Why don't you start by making other arrangements for her transportation?
Read some of the great older threads on dealing with narcissistic parents on here....I promise you it will help and give you courage.