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Mom is 85 years old, she was in the hospital for 11 days, I rescued her and brought her with me. She is getting better, but my blood pressure has gone up, my life has been given fullen to this woman. She feels I owe her for years ago, I am constantly getting her back to health, I am tired. I can't do it anymore.

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I get frustrated too.  I live with my Mom at her house since her illness and have literally given up my life.  I am angry and frustrated my brothers get to live their own and I have to be the live in.   She thinks so much of their time but I am just taken for granted.  Want to leave now~!!!~
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I can so relate to you..I have the same issue with my sister who does NOTHING to help in any way! Hang in there!!
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ps...she holds my two siblings up on a pedestal and wont even discuss talking with them about staying with them even some of the time...she and I used to be so close, now I am amazed at how miserable this is :(
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oh my goodness, I TOTALLY relate! I took my mother into my home just over 4 years ago. At that time she had her own living space , kitchenette in the basement etc. I went thru a nasty divorce last year however and needed to downsize. I was very fortunate to be able to buy a house nearby for my two daughters, mom and myself. this home if much smaller of course and she has her bedroom but must share a bathroom and every other living space.

I started with good intentions, my father passed, mom's memory and cognition was declining and she frankly had no real money to live alone. I look at this now and I do regret taking this on in ways since my sister and brother REFUSE to help, they just IGNORE any attempts I make to ask for their help with either giving of their homes, to allow a much needed break for us or any financial help. they constantly put me down for how I handle mother, although they will NOT step up and help at all.
meanwhile mother overspends, does things in the house I have DELIBERATLY said please ask before doing or just pls don't do that, she does it anyway! she is stubborn now, difficult and says I owe her because she "raised Me"...yet she doesn't require the same of my two older siblings! I"m now so hurt and furious and all I want is peace for my precious girls and myself. Please Help!!
I work long 10 hour days in the hospital and I never know what I'm coming home to find that she has broken, that I can't afford to fix. she shops all the time online and yet refuses to help pay any of the vast expenses we have. she has about 2000 a month coming in and it's crazy..I still pay her storage fee of her stuff (250/mo.), her cell phone (she has an iphone she went and purchased without discussing on my plan)..long story :(
She ruined my hard wood floors going behind my back ordered some oily mess, put in on my floor when i was at work ! I'm snapping inside. I have no idea how to get her out of my house and keep her safe with such limited funds. we live in canton ga
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Thank you Bettwalker, even though I already knew that, it's really nice to hear it from someone who has lived through it, and who is practicing t going forward! I couldn't agree more!
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Well said, Bett!
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I am 84 years old. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I will live alone as long as possible and then I will gladly go to assisted living. I love my independence and want to remain this way. I was caregiver for my mom until she was 94 and it isn't easy. I don't feel our children owe it to us to take us in. I loved Mom, but I had no life. Don't feel guilty for not taking Mom or Dad into your home. Yes, it is good to see that they are somewhere safe and are cared for. I hear many older people say that their kids owe them. It just isn't true. If we truly love our children, we will give them the gift of freedom to live their own lives. Guilt is a terrible thing to pass to anyone.
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Dear Shilaflores,
My suggestion is to ask for help. You can't do everything on your own.
My elderly mom is 86 and living with us a year now. She had been fairly independent until her fall on 9/9 13 two days before her scheduled total hip replacement. She fell and broke her neck. I lived with her for 3 months after she got out of rehab facility. She later had a heart attack and we deciding to remodel our home and have her live with us. She has had numerous falls. I have a part time counseling practice a 7 year old daughter and my husband is trying to keep his mom out of assisted living. I had a heart scare recently and it worked out ok but I need monitoring every 6 months. I empathize with you. It is exhausting and draining at times. I knew when to seek help by having a friend help me at the house. My mom is stubborn and thinks she can do more than she can...... My hope is she can stay with us unless she falls again and breaks a hip or becomes confused. I hope none of this happens. My sister offers little help. She works 60 hours a week. My mom doesn't expect me to care for her but can be impatient and demanding.... I made the decision to do this. It is not for everyone. It has affected our life tremendously. I will do this as long as I can because I choose to. I am working hard to find balance and am open to help with this.
Find resources and realize it is ok to get help and not ok to become consumed. I am learning to set limits and finding alone time. Thankfully we have a two story house.
Take care!!!!
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Yeah, I know what you mean...the staff all heard about "my daughter the doctor" but I usually heard about my daughter the idiot who looks like a drip. Being snapped at and criticized nearly all the time was just toxic.
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BTW serenity59....bravo! I could not have said it better myself
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Exactly Goldengirl1
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Teebee, I agree with you...the mother/daughter relationship that once was is gone. I am so frustrated, angry, exhausted, lonely that I find it hard just to sit and try to enjoy her company anymore. It is extremely frustrating because I see her interacting with others appropriately, but when it comes to me just acts like a baby and has to be told every thing to do.
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I understand 100% how you feel. I went through a very similar situation and was exhausted to the point of considering drastic measures. I called every possible agency and my mom's doctors. It took a while but she was recently placed in long-term care. It sucks because I still feel like I failed her but we also are entitled to have lives! I promise you that you will be OK and will pray for you in the meantime.
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My mom is 82 diagnosed with dementia/vascular Alzheimer 3 years ago. She is now in stage 5. Withing the last two months she has been hospitalized 3 times unaware of her surroundings, people and places. I remember growing up poor, neglected by her love for me because she was an alcoholic. She had 8 children two (my oldest brothers) who are now deceased. One brother 47 dying from cancer, one brother 55 born with down syndrome. A sister 47 with full stage of multiple sclerosis home bound bed confined and contracted. My youngest brother 42 who fell through the cracks of poverty and ended up serving 25 to life and another sister who is 52 who turned being a mental case due to our environment and abusive up bringing. Growing up wasn't easy. I was physically and verbally abused by both my mom and my step father. My mother verbally abused me and my step father physically and verbally abused me. I am an incest survivor by many people because my mother would lose herself to booze. I became an adult at the she of 8 having to pick up on get life so that my siblings wouldn't go without. I did this until I was 15 soI had no childhood. I was robbed of my childhood to provide for my siblings. I knew my life wasn't quite right so I took the initiative to make things right for them. I never heard the words I love you only when she was intoxicated which was almost every night. Never got a hug. I became my step fathers wife. He knew what to do to get to me and that was to get her drink. I remember him telling me that should I ever say anything to anyone, he would kill me and my mom. I feared for my life. I became very withdrawn from life at times wanting to end it all. Attempted suicide a few times, but just didn't succeed. My step dad passed in 1991 from cancer as I stood by his side because mom turned her back on him. I was all he had and I saw to it that he had a decent burial. I was the only one there for him. Now I have taken complete responsibility forums care and she continues to verbally abuse me. She wishes she had aborted me as I am disfigured because she did try to abort me with a hanger while in her womb. Yet knowing I never wanted to raise the issue so she wouldn't know that I knew the truth, but since get diagnoses she had been opening chapters in my life I once tried to close and it hurts. This is why we are all here Ferris 1 to be able to find comfort and some kind of.peace amongst each other. By coming here we are sharing experiences and life long history. We are supporting one another and helping each other to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It all depends on us. We do have choices and the choice is up to us. Point being, all that my mom has done to me I am still here holding her tall until I cannot do it any longer. I have walked many miles my moccasins and no one can tell you enough until you're ready to hang those moccasins up. In the mean time I have no choice but to find balance in my life. Amen!!! Thank you all for your support!!!
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Ferris I am appauld by your response. You have no idea what these caretakers are going through. Every life has a history and before you pass judgment you must walk in their moccasins.We are not whining, yet we are speaking and telling and reaching out if you will,will to people like ourselves who are experiencing something we never thought of up until now. Yes our mothers did take care of us while growing up and yes we are giving back by taking care of them, but life.has certainly come to a stop for most of us. No matter how much you try to put into this so call caretaking it has never been so difficult as it is now. We are not whining as you see it, but we are trying to make things right and do what's best for our parents.some of us are stronger than others answer can handle certain situations different. I don't know where you stand in all this, but it seems as though you have no idea what these people including myself is going through. Before you start.passing judgment, I would suggest you put yourself in everybody show and then make comments accordingly otherwise don't say a damn thing because all you're doing is offending those who are trying to reach out for support, those who are sharing experiences to find better ways to deal with our loved ones. You have no idea what every chapter holds. Every life has their very own history. So please step back and let us reach out our way!!!!
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All I have to say is that I absolutely detest that 'You owe your mother because she raised you' mentality. No, actually, I've never owed my abusive, narcissistic mother jack. What I do, I do out of mercy and pity and compassion...damn sure not because I OWE her. My kids, who were much better raised, don't OWE me squat for making my OWN choice to have them, thanks. They OWE themselves a great life, not to be bogged down, sacrificing and getting sick themselves, dealing with me if I ever get alz/dementia. Put me in a home, visit when you can, and LIVE LIFE as you should...that's what I've told my own kids. OWE somebody? Freaking please.
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Unlike many of you who had great mothers, from a very early age I avoided mine as much as possible. Life long she's been narcissistic, demeaning, demanding and generally hateful to anyone who had the misfortune to cross her path. She refused to care for her own parents when they were old and sick because it would be too much trouble. She told me a couple of years ago that when I was a child "I didn't want children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to go have a good time". Her life revolved around shopping and having a good time. My father put her on a pedestal and also pushed me away - she treated him like dirt. Basically I've been alone forever. When she could no longer manage alone, purely out of duty I sold my home, gave up my career and moved to care for her. It was four years of pure hell. Eventually needing care 24/7 (Parkinsons & dementia) she went into a NH a year ago. Three months ago she fell and broke a hip and has been in a wheelchair ever since.

A week ago she had a stroke (has had a few over the years) and is now deemed palliative. The RN at the NH told me we just go day by day. She sleeps all the time, barely eats, refuses to be bathed, is confused, can't speak intelligibly and is convinced her mother, who passed in 74, calls her name and is often in her room with her which I gather is quite common towards the end. I've been visiting, taking lunch to tempt her to eat something, but she's basically fading away.

What do I feel? Frankly, nothing and that's what's bothering me. I feel that I "should" be visiting every day and trying to get her to eat but it would only be out of duty and each time is another day sucked out of my life. Last evening I sat down and went over a lifetime of being the victim of her narcissism and determined I'd visit no more than once or twice a week.

My new home, a wee cottage on 2 acres in the country, needs a ton of work, I have my dog & 3 cats plus her dog and cat to care for and I'm trying to rebuild my life. Close to 65, it's my time now.
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I can most certainly identify with you. One year ago I was in the exact same place. I took my mother out of the nursing home my sister had put her in and then brought her to live with me. My mom was 87 and in poor health when she got here. I was tired, irritable, and would sometimes wish she would just let go so I could have my life back. She did just that a couple of months before her 90th birthday. I have cried for her every day since. I realize now how precious those years with her were. We learned things about each other that we had not known. I got to hear about her childhood and so many other things. The work of taking care of her...sleepless nights, special diets, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, lifting a wheelchair into my trunk...those memories are fading. Now I am able to remember the mom who took care of me. The one who was so tired that she put me in the tub with one sock and shoe still on. The one who lost sleep waiting up for me to get home. The one who dragged herself out at night to all of the school events I was a part of, despite being tired from working all day. My mom took care of me for nineteen years, I took care of her for less than three. I didn't do it because I had to, I did it out of love. I know that when I was in the same place you are now that I wouldn't have been able to see it like this. But my wish for you is that your mom was a good mom who loved you and would have done anything for you. I hope that your mom is still mentally clear enough to be able to tell you all the things that you will need to carry in your heart when she is gone and you are missing her. Not everyone has such a mom as this, but I did and I still had to vent and had my moments of actually wishing her dead. Now I am told it is normal to feel guilty and have regrets. My wish for you is that you can save the good memories and let the pain of caregiving fade away. Just as our children grow up too fast and move away, your mother will move on and you will be glad that you had that special time together. And if your mom is anything at all like mine, she will take a piece of your heart with her.
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I feel your pain and wish I could give you a big hug. Difficult people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. They all have relatives......US, that's right, some of us are not as lucky as others and other family members need to step in and help. I could just throw my head into a pillow and sob like a baby with everything that is put on me. Shila........I wish we were neighbors and could support each other and make time for things we enjoy to get us through......hugs.
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*make that LAWN chair ... although she does 'lay down the law (her words) about how she has NO Intentions of moving. :)
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I've been working in my garage to empty it out. This is something I am doing in anticipation of selling my home. Oh my goodness, Mom is driving me nuts. She doesn't want me to toss anything and this is MY home, My stuff. Not hers. She's telling me how wasteful I am and how I could sell everything in a garage sale. I am NOT tossing good stuff and I am planning to have a garage sale -- but she wanted me to save a chair that's broken beyond repair and she ended up taking the seat cushion out of it (ugly!) and putting it in her law chair outside! Ugly! Ugly! So I am trying to wait until she's sleeping to toss things. I was taking a break, sitting outside for fresh air and she came out and asked me if I'd heard from my sister. I told her yes -- I had talked with her and they (sister and brother in law) were out for the evening, enjoying going to a steak house with friends. She said .."they GO too much! They are entangled with too many friends!" She's never had friends and doesn't understand the concept of social outings with people. I would give anything to be able to once again go out with friends for a nice meal. I have been stuck here since Dec. 7th without a break from Mom. The sad thing is ... since she's gotten so cranky and judgmental, no one wants to come here to visit me because of her. I feel so trapped.

One of these nights I am just going to pack up a few things and leave for a few days. Then others will be forced to step in. Talking to them does no good as they are indifferent to the situation and feel Mom should be in assisted living (they are right) or senior housing (they are right) but they don't have to listen to her cry when I suggest it. So they say I am bringing this situation on myself.
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I think this conversation, overall, brings up ethical and emotional questions about responsibilities and 'limits.' I believe for each of us, there is an inner sense of 'what's right' and that if one does the 'personal best' at any given moment, this is very important. You have your own conscience to live with, ultimately, as a human being. How would we want others to treat us? What would we expect and hope for, and what would be reasonable? The conditions change, and the limits on what can be done change too. "Elders" would not be as dependent if they were able to be independent! That's the bottom line. They do not choose their condition, just as we do not choose which parents we are born to. We engage in the big condition of being human - together. What we do when faced with challenges - is very important to defining who we are- our emotions, our characters. We have to create a society that values the entire life span - we have to teach children to respect that life span, and do our best as adults to respect the beginning and the end of life. So - this is very philosophical, but sometimes I think emotions need to be guided by philosophy- so that we can try to align ourselves emotionally with the best possible goals. Grappling with one's emotions when caring for elders is part of the entire process - it's inevitable there will be inner conflicts. Sharing the conflictual feelings doesn't make a person a 'bad' human being - having conflictual feelings isn't bad. It's how you handle them and what 'actions' you take related to your elders- that's what ultimately counts. - My 2 cents worth of philosophizing!
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Bobbi, your family knew better when Mom went off like that. Still you have to wonder where they get off sucking the joy out of everything...I guess they actualy believe on some level that everything wrong with them is their main caregiver's fault and every one else should know that, or already does...Ugh. Hope I am never like that. I better get to work on being a nice person as much as possible so it will be a habit :-)
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Feris I disagree with you totally, You need more Love and compassion in your heart.
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Just had to share this... Ugh.... Went with my mom for dinner at my sons on mothers day. We were having such a nice time until my mother said " I don't feel like a mother any more. All I have is HER!" My mouth must have dropped open... After everything I do for her! Just a little background... Every Saturday night, I see my boyfriend. When I was on my way home, I called my mother to see if she wanted to go see Great Gatsby for Mother's Day. She snapped "no" right away. U see, she is mad whenever I see him. So we didn't do anything that day, other than dinner with my son. Then she announced at the table I didn't do anything for her for Mother's Day. I was so hurt and angry the way she dismissed me. And everything I do for her. She appreciates nothing. I had made up my mind I was going to show her what its really like not to have a daughter. But I softened. I just can't be that mean to her. Just wish someone would point out to her how lucky she is to have me.
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Please remember that people with dementia don't always know that you are doing the work. It gets done and they think they've done it! I know my husband thinks he does things around here. Something he did 10 years ago was yesterday to him! Yes, that is the way it is. I would agree, though, that there are many who do take it all for granted, but I also believe that is not a new behavior. When my husband was working and had to wear suit/tie/white shirt, I would spend hours ironing those things after washing, etc. Never a "thank you". I once said that I am waiting for him to open the closet and say, "It's a miracle! Look at all these clean shirts, hung so carefully; ironed so beautifully! There must be angels here."
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Bj1okla... Your mom sounds so much like mine. It's like they have no life of their own, so they have to talk about ours. Mine repeats everything I say to her sister. I've told her over and over not to talk about me... My life is not that interesting. And yes yes yes, she wants to come into the bathroom to chat when I'm in there. I would never do that to my kids! As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account. Don't know why she got so selfish... She was very generous when she was younger. I think though, for me, it's that she doesn't appreciate what I do. It's all taken for granted.. Never a thank you.
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Years ago my husband's 90+ something Mother was in the hospital. She was in a small ward 4 or 6 beds, I think. She pulled her son down to her face and said, "Why did they put me in here with all these old people?" What a hoot! Geez, I wish when I looked in the mirror I saw that "stunningly beautiful, well-built, fit-as-a-fiddle 20-something girl who had great hopes and dreams of saving the world! :-) Tell your Mom they are sharing great gossip or dirty stories or whatever might peak her curiosity! Maybe she'll want to get out and listen in! :-)
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I understand completely and so do the rest of the folks on this site. Some day I want to be able to say "been there; done that; got the t-shirt" and remember only the good times...because there are some. Faith in God and prayer are my salvation. I get great vocal support from my church family because there is none from my physical family. But that's OK. I can at least look myself in the mirror every day and say "At least you're trying." Some day that will be "At least I tried.:" None of this is good or bad; it just IS. So plan your strategy, find the place with the BEST CARE even if it isn't the prettiest (beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is only skin deep). Quality care is THE most important factor. Talk to the people there. They know how to deal with those who don't want to come there, but MUST for everyone's health and well-being. Then sit Mom down and tell her the way it is. If you can find a couple of places you think would work ask her to go for a tour/visit. Sometimes they'll let you and the potential resident stay and eat, participate in activities. Important to talk to staff, residents and any visitors you might run into to get the real scoop. If she won't go for a visit, tell her then she has made her choice and YOU (and your siblings) will decide where and when. Stay strong!
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I found the perfect place for my mom. It's beautiful. It's a small area of new duplexes, wooded lots, 2-bedroom, 2 bath and even an attached single car garage (my mom still drives and has her own car.) It's income based and her income is just RIGHT to qualify. It would only be $574 per month and that includes all utilities, even cable TV. The second bedroom is for guests such as friends, children and grandchildren, when they 'visit.' No one can move in with her but she would be allowed to have overnight guests up to 14 nights per month. She has teenage great grandchildren that would spend time with her there. Two of them even drive and like to drive her around on errands. But NO ... she said if I would move there, she would move. But I don't qualify to live there, financially. My sister is in favor of just moving her there, not giving her a choice. It's 7 minutes away from my house and 10 minutes away from my sister's house. There is also a community center there and a full time person working there, in case of emergencies. In addition, the small police dept. is right next door to the complex. She could even have her small dog live there with her. I've taken her there twice to look around and she won't get out of the car to see the inside. (I have showed her photos on their website so she knows it's nice.) When we drove through the area, there were so many ladies her age, sitting together on their little porches, drinking coffee together. They waved at her and she turned her head. She said ...'look at all those old people, guzzling coffee in the afternoon!' Mom is 87 but often refers to people younger than her as 'old people.'

My sister says our Mom is afraid of dying and clings to me as a life-source, thinking I can keep her alive. I think she's right. I do know she's sucking the life out of ME.
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