How do we deal with a caregiver who has become too attached to our parents?

I can see the argument to keep her just to make your parents and sister happy, but what if you have all these red flags you've ignored and she goes and does something really careless?

How long has she worked for your parents? Is she fairly attentive and observant, or just enthusiastic? Can you possibly hire a second caregiver for "back up" and give the new person a try a few hrs a week till you decide how to handle things with the current caregiver?

To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she thought it was rude to walk out of the room without acknowledging the people there, and maybe all the “honey” talk is just her way. However, putting her saliva on your dad's clean hair would have been the limit for me. I have not seen anyone do something like that since the late 1970s. Who does that anymore?! To me that demonstrates a lack of boundaries as well as an act of possession. It is wrong on several levels.

As someone else mentioned, your parents’ needs will increase -- you will need someone reliable, trustworthy, and observant who will openly communicate with you and your sister. You also need a person who has good judgement. Is that the vibe you are getting from their caregiver?

I agree with Eyerishlash, what do your parents think. Are they capable of making that assessment? If you feel she isn't right for your parents you should look for someone new. I can understand her concern for staying with your parents when your cousins arrived after not seeing them for 50 yrs. they may have seemed like strangers to them and she was being protective of them at that point. Which would be good. Sounds very southern honey, sweetie to me.

Wow, people are stirred up about this topic, and quick to take sides.
Seldom are these situation just back or white.
There are a lot of people with a stake in helping your parents, and all may see their roles and " boundries" differently.
You say she has no training " but she's a mom so some things are just taken".
So she is acting like a mom with your parents. Because that's her expertise. She is talking to them with her idea of being kind.
You don't say how ill your parents are, or if they can even communicate with you or her.
Should she talk to them as children or spit their hair into submission. Not by your standards.
But why is it such an issue with you? If she is kind, compassionate, reliable and acting like a mother to them, why are you so angry?
You hired her bacause her experience as a mother, not because she had take courses in professional boundies.
Boundies with the things you are focusing can have some stretch.
We are not talking about abuse, stealing, or otherwise endangering mom and dad. Those boundries are set and inflexible.
Parents moving towards death leave us feeling overwhelmed, frightened and feeling helpless. This is not something you can control or change.
So there is no perfect way to do this.
The question is only are your loved ones getting what the need?
If you want a professional relationship with formal social boundries, beyond all else, then hire an RN. If you can afford several hundred dollars a day, and can even find anyone who will do this work.
Own your fear, frustration, and anger. Get someone to listen and help you with your feelings.
This helping your parents at the end of their lives is hard, hard, hard.
Going to war with this woman will not be helpful to you or your loved ones.

I would imagine your sister likes her because she provides needed relief from caregiving. You obviously have no idea what it is like to find good caregivers today...ones who actually care about their patients.
To be honest your post is quite rude. It appears you view her as uneducated and beneath you. The bottom line is do your parents enjoy her? As for the relatives that haven't came in years...exactly who cares what they think. If you aren't a part of their everyday care, back off and let your sister handle things.

I've hired hundreds, maybe thousands of employees over the course of my professional career - no exaggeration. For three years with a large department store and one with a national specialty chain that's what I did. I moved around, helped open new stores, got them up and running- employees trained and then moved on and did it again. The other 30+ years in retail and HR it was xmas help, summer programs etc - anyhoo- 

If I had two employees and I had to lay one off - one, really outstanding at the job but only worked part time and was super ridged with her schedule- the other competent, nothing special and even slightly annoying BUT would come in at a moments notice and was willing to work any and every shift --- guess which one I'd keep? Yep - in a heartbeat I would decide to keep Miss Available. Hands down.

Being able to count on an employee who is willing to work under those circumstances is worth their weight in gold - even if their performance is merely adaquate.

As others have suggested if it's your sister who does the majority of the care overseeing and she's the one working with the caregiver agency- than this needs to be her call. But certainly you should talk to your sister regarding your concerns and ask her to look into it. Then let it go - even if it means grinding your teeth every time you're around the employee.

You are fortunate to have someone like this. Caregivers that get along well with mom and dad are hard to find. Who the heck do these cousins think they are interfering in your parents care this way? Care for your folks is none of their business.

It is very, very hard to find a caregiver who is thoughtful and attentive to aging loved ones. Keep this caregiver - but if you want to see what the average caregiver is like, then hire one from a legit agency on a short-term basis, like one day a week, for a month, then you'll understand and appreciate having a caring person tending to your parents. I had to go though - multiple - caregivers before I found one who truly cares about my mother. This caregiver has a history of working with disabled children and adults. She's also a young mother of three kids; Girl Scout Troop Leader; Soccer Mom, etc. I'm so, so thankful she came into our lives because I know my mother will be safe in her care when I have to leave the home. She's a born nurturer and a genuinely kind person to the aging population - both a rarity in modern living.

Dear kembrett,
Oh wow. This sounds exactly like a caregiver I had for my parents who I later found out was not treating them well. My parents were afraid to tell me. My advice is to find another caregiver. She would call my Dad "little one & honey" all the time.  My inner voice told me this didn't seem right - I work as an aide myself & would never treat my clients this way (A professional Aide always keeps boundaries) but my parents seemed fine & well cared for so I didn't say or do anything about it - I regret this terribly now. Also, I found out this aide would get my dad to pay for her groceries when they went grocery shopping together.  When they were at the store, she would always say "please honey, pay for my stuff & I'll pay you back" but she never paid him back.  He later told me he was afraid of her and scared to tell her to pay for her own groceries.

My mom told me later as well that when my aunt would come visit, the aide would just incorporate herself into their private conversation as if she were a family member. My mom just went along with it and smiled because my mom was also afraid of her and afraid of any conflict.

I totally agree with Elderchamp. I experienced the exact same thing you are describing.  Please don't wait to do something about it. 

She sounds like a great answer for you, but you really need to appreciate her more. Yet there may be red flags, and you should watch for them. You and she should be on the same side in caring for your parents.
My aunt and uncle had someone coming in to help, mostly to schmooze with, who was very gregarious. I nearly flipped out when he asked them to adopt him (he was over 60!). I knew it was their money he was after. When my uncle passed away, he insisted on being the one to escort my aunt to the funeral, not any family member. This caused her to ask him to not come back. He was already pointing things out to her he'd like to inherit someday!
Make sure your communications with your parents continue so you can tell if the caregiver is turning them against you so she can get whatever they have when they are gone.
On the other hand, she may just be that rare person who's not in it for herself, but truly does care. If so, make friends with her.

It's a tough situation isn't it

Let's face it, no one knows or cares about your loved ones as much as you

I have agency hired caregivers with my mom 12 hours a day which consists of one that's been with us 18 months and two others for a year on and off and about three who constantly change to fill out the shifts - our housekeeper also visits her once or twice a week

Since mom generally doesn't like anyone new and certainly not anyone helping her during tinkle or worst bm time, I've learned to overlook a lot

Since mom is still quite vocal and feisty I'm more interested in keeping the folks who will keep her clean and dry even if they're annoying than the ones who say everything is fine and then I find her in a soiled diaper

That said, I have spent time with the primary ones so they know how I handle mom and they can learn her ways too

Gees louise! Someone said my post was rude...rude? My post was a question that is all. I asked for ways to deal with the situation that benefit my parents. I am integral in their care taking shifts myself I am not just standing in judgement of her. So many responses here personalize this. Kelly09's post is right on. The caregiver's behaviours are more about "ownership" of my parents. Both my Mom and Dad have told myself and my sister in confidence that this caregiver acts like she is a part of the family. They are afraid to complain for fear of outcome including my sister telling them how hard it is to find a good caregiver. I know it is...I live everyday working with these agencies who have either no standards on experience to very rigid standards. The care she has recieved by this caregiver and others from this agency is turning my Mom into an invalid. I simply asked a question and I am rude?

No, you are not rude. Trust your gut.

No, you're not rude and you're looking out for your parents. I think it's fair to say there's a whole lot of caregivers here who wish they had a sibling as involved as you are. My advice to discuss this with your sister stands, though. The two of you are going to need to be a united front as things become more and more complex as time goes on and your parents decline. The line walked dealing with caregivers can often be complex, as well.

Both my parents had a main caregiver at different times and then a number of revolving caregivers to fill in additional shifts, vacations etc.

My dads first full-time caregiver was amazing. She was however, fresh off of losing a grandma and both parents - and this did nag in the back of my mind. My parents had moved into IL after both had a health crisis. My mom fully recovered, my father did not.

Mom resumed her 101 activities and was gone a lot. Daddy was pretty much apartment bound and depressed at the loss of his own 99 activities. Recipe for disaster?

The caregiver and my father became very close. She also did a lot of extra work that wasn't in her contract to look after my mom - all the laundry, 75% of the meals - including making meals for my mom whenever she was home, looked after my moms beloved cat - and the cat box, and kept the apartment spotless- housekeeping was never my moms strong suit. When I told the caregiver she didn't need to look after my mom and do my mothers chores she'd reply "if your mom is happy - your dad is happy". Seriously? What a jewel! Still, when the caregiver left for the day, she always gave my dad a little kiss - and it always made me cringe. But I learned to look the other way and to just accept it. 

About the time we hit the year mark things started to get tense between the caregiver and my mom. Mom was jealous and territorial. The care giver - just territorial. The caregiver was about my age and I thought if anyone was jealous- it should be me - and I wasn't.  Still, it put me in an awkward situation as honestly I sided with the caregiver- I mean, the caregiver spent way more time with my dad than my mom did. The caregiver always put my dads needs first - my mom, not so much.

The caregiver and my mom began to have little tiffs over my dads care and I tried to stay out of it. But one of the things they were at odds over was what my mom was feeding my dad when the caregiver wasn't there. My mom was ignoring all my fathers dietary restrictions and it was making him more ill. I admit I sided with the caregiver on this one which didn't go over well with my mom. My poor dad felt stuck in the middle - trying to keep them both happy. Should daddy have sided with my mom? Probably. But I got why he didn't. The caregiver had become indispensable to him AND she was the one giving him attention, cheering him up when he was down, fussing over him.

So - the caregiver quit, saying she was moving to another state where her BF had a job offer. My father took it hard. Almost immediately my father started to decline and about three months later he was gone. Coincidence? Had his CHF run its course or did the fact that his heart was now broken emotionally do him in? I don't know. But I think I could have handled things better.

The irony here is that a year later my mom had a caregiver who completely dotted on her. She catered to my mothers every whim, tut-tutting at every complaint my mom had over her health, her loss of her car, her noncaring children ( insert eye-roll here) and mom was getting all the sympathy and attention she resented my dad getting. Me? I kept my mouth shut unless it was to be supportive of the caregiver and my mothers love of her. The only time I said anything was when I met up with mom and her caregiver for a doctors appointment. The caregiver was mini scolding me - she had just come back from two weeks off and my mom told her that I hadn't visited even once. I replied "you've gotta stop believing everything she tells you".

So long story short - if you find someone whom your parents like and even if the work they do is only adequate - even if they bug you to no end, learn to live with it - and be thankful you're not having to do the job!

No you are not at all being rude. You have reason to be concerned and asking advice and input is not rude at all.

Perhaps what's putting some noses out of joint is that some can only wish they had this problem. Some can't even begin to dream of having any help with their LO at all, much less one that may cross caring lines. If your parents have a problem with her behavior, and as long as there is consensus, and agreement amongst yourselves to pick up the slack until a suitably fit caregiver is identified, then let her go. It's a no-brainer. I'm sure somebody will scoop her up and be elated to have found her.

Kembrit, I didn't know your parents were feeling uncomfortable with this caregiver. By all means find somebody else! Just because your sister is happy that she will fill shifts at a moments notice is no reason to keep someone that your parents are uncomfortable with. They come first! Thank you for caring enough about them to want to ruffle some feathers!

Since this caregiver uses nicknames, e.g. "honey," "sweetie," and "little one" and also uses "baby talk," e.g. "do they have to go potty?", that is reason #1 to relieve her of her duties. Terms of endearment are used  and acceptable by people close to the loved one! I would slap myself upside the head if I ever called anyone but my husband, family member "honey!!" Placing her licked palm on your father's head/hair is reason #2. How demoralizing that had to be for your dear dad, not to mention unsanitary! Trying to override what you were already doing with the cannula is reason #3. The giving of the water by her before the cannula was on by her is reason #4. I commend you for doing so well and I'm sure you already knew reasons enough to relieve her of her caregiving duties. Kudos to you! I would have had to say "STEP AWAY FROM THE BED/CHAIR-NOW!!!"