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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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You might not think there's nothing left but one day you will find out you're here for a reason. You could even be here to help someone in the forum who is having problems with something you're familiar with. It takes lots of time and patience to get through the emotional strain of being a caregiver and even moreso when your loved one passes away. Is it depression or are you grieving the fact that you acknowledge the time has come? It's got to come out so you can move on,go out and let it out! Screaming and crying are a great emotional release. I've never been into the group/therapy and the one time I took antidepressants, I felt so off, not myself. I'm not a professional at this but I always felt better getting it off my mind by releasing my emotions. One thing that I know is... we're powerless and we can't do anything to avoid the inevitable. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself some slack.
Sometimes we're too far into depression to be able to find joy in anything, or to want to get out of the house. Sitting in the house is easier than going out, because there's "nothing left in life" anyway. We can't see the forest for the trees. This is when antidepressants are very useful. They help take us OUT of our own heads and change our attitude that there's nothing left in life. There's plenty left, we just can't SEE it for the depression and or anxiety.
I always say "good actions create good thoughts" except when depression is at play. Then we're stuck like cement and unable TO act. With medication, we can then take the steps to action once again.
Sometimes in life, we're all thrown a curveball we cannot "just snap out of" without help. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for such help. I've needed help twice so far in my life, and thank God I was able to get it, and to be able to appreciate and love life again.
Find a local caregiver support group preferably in person or Zoom if nothing else available, and make sure that when the aides are there that you're getting out doing things that bring you joy. And of course if needed talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant as that may help too. There is life after caregiving and it can be as wonderful as you make it. It may be time to think about having your husband placed in a memory care facility if his care is getting you so depressed. That way he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can get back to just being his loving wife and not his burned out and depressed caregiver. Just some food for thought.
In one of the online caregiving support groups there is a member who (understandably) struggled with placing her husband in memory care. A year later, she seems much happier, husband is well cared for and she’s his wife again, not a totally burnt out care giver. My plan for placement is to go in with my husband as a needed break time for us and then quietly fade out of the picture and let the staff take over. He’s refusing assisted living now and thinks he’ll be self aware enough to know he’s ready for memory care. Nope. That’s impossible to do. One poster here has written extensively about their brother’s dementia and wanting to be placed in proper care. Otherwise, how on earth would someone be able to have a rational conversation with an advanced dementia patient? Rhetorical question, it’s been bouncing my head since the last discussion about assisted living with my husband. Try to locate a therapist. I’ve read depression can be an obtuse form of anger. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. Ok to feel angry. Also, the word “no” is ok. No one can do it all. Step back. Take a deep breath and reassess your priorities.
I suggest finding some way to turn outward, which you already took a step toward by posting here.
This time of year (winter) can make it even more tough. Is it possible to take a little walk? Feel the sun and wind, hear the birds, maybe say hello to a neighbor?
Could you meet a friend for coffee? Visit a greenhouse or flower shop?
Is there an art exhibit or museum nearby you could spend half an hour at? Or a daytime concert at a local place? Do you have any younger family you could catch up with?
Are there community resources — a knitting group, book club, regular card game, crafts, lectures? Or try a new kind of food? Are there low-commitment volunteer activities near you? Idealist.org has dozens of options near me, including ones you can do from home.
Or look into caregiver support groups, either in person or online. There are many others going through similar things. This message board is a great resource, but talking directly is better still.
If your husband is in hospice, the hospice provider should be able to provide you with suggestions.
best wishes to you. There is life all around you, no matter how hopeless and locked in things appear. There is fresh air and I think it would help.
Having written all this, I know my own mother would say — did say— “no” to all of it. It struck me as so sad, but it was her choice.
I second the idea of getting out of the house while one of your aides is there. What did you like to do before caregiving? Would it be possible to find a way to do it again, even in a limited way?
Can you get out of the house while an aide is there and do something for yourself? I am recovering from 2 back to back surgeries and haven't been cleared to exercise yet. I had a routine in my life and am feeling very depressed to not yet be able to resume a schedule. They weren't major surgeries. Today was a particular bad day for me. I am prone to depression and anxiety. I can get out of the house but there is nowhere I want to go to. Places I went to before seem overwhelming to me not to mention the apathy I feel. I wish more than anything I could get back to a form of exercise. I love my house but not all day every day.
If there is something that brings you joy perhaps you could try to do that while you have help at home. It can be difficult to stay home day after day. I think I have about 1 more week of waiting left.
I hope you find a solution sooner rather than later.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I always say "good actions create good thoughts" except when depression is at play. Then we're stuck like cement and unable TO act. With medication, we can then take the steps to action once again.
Sometimes in life, we're all thrown a curveball we cannot "just snap out of" without help. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for such help. I've needed help twice so far in my life, and thank God I was able to get it, and to be able to appreciate and love life again.
Best of luck to you.
And of course if needed talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant as that may help too. There is life after caregiving and it can be as wonderful as you make it.
It may be time to think about having your husband placed in a memory care facility if his care is getting you so depressed. That way he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can get back to just being his loving wife and not his burned out and depressed caregiver. Just some food for thought.
Try to locate a therapist. I’ve read depression can be an obtuse form of anger. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. Ok to feel angry. Also, the word “no” is ok. No one can do it all. Step back. Take a deep breath and reassess your priorities.
I suggest finding some way to turn outward, which you already took a step toward by posting here.
This time of year (winter) can make it even more tough. Is it possible to take a little walk? Feel the sun and wind, hear the birds, maybe say hello to a neighbor?
Could you meet a friend for coffee? Visit a greenhouse or flower shop?
Is there an art exhibit or museum nearby you could spend half an hour at? Or a daytime concert at a local place? Do you have any younger family you could catch up with?
Are there community resources — a knitting group, book club, regular card game, crafts, lectures? Or try a new kind of food? Are there low-commitment volunteer activities near you? Idealist.org has dozens of options near me, including ones you can do from home.
Or look into caregiver support groups, either in person or online. There are many others going through similar things. This message board is a great resource, but talking directly is better still.
If your husband is in hospice, the hospice provider should be able to provide you with suggestions.
best wishes to you. There is life all around you, no matter how hopeless and locked in things appear. There is fresh air and I think it would help.
Having written all this, I know my own mother would say — did say— “no” to all of it. It struck me as so sad, but it was her choice.
I second the idea of getting out of the house while one of your aides is there. What did you like to do before caregiving? Would it be possible to find a way to do it again, even in a limited way?
Thinking of you.
If there is something that brings you joy perhaps you could try to do that while you have help at home. It can be difficult to stay home day after day. I think I have about 1 more week of waiting left.
I hope you find a solution sooner rather than later.