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Well, I went to see my mom today at the nursing home and she immediately slammed into me that she wanted out and told me she could not believe that after all she had done for me I would put her there. She has been there since January. I go Monday-Friday on my lunch hour to see her. She was fine Friday or as fine as she can be. We have always had issues but I figured two wrong do not make a right sooo I was just going to take care of her until her last breath. She really didn't take care of me when I was little so today when she was going off on me on what all she had done for me I said where were you when I was growing up ? She said well at least I kept you...I pick up my purse and walked out. I went to the store and brought extra of the things I provide for her took them back to the nursing home gave them to the nurses station and I do not intend on going back for a long while. I have put up with her abuse for the past 13 years but no more. The Hospice Social Worker called me and we talked and she agreed that me staying away for awhile might be good for her. I have gone on my lunch hour everyday for thirteen years. Thirteen of her in her apartment and the last five months of her in the nursing home. She is abusive and nothing I do makes her happy. I am tired, hurt and it is almost a relief to know that I don't have to go back for awhile. Again, I am an only child. I am all she has, my kids do not have anything to do with her. She has no friends because she alienates everyone. At least now I can do this and know she is being cared for. For the first time in my life I do not have to be abused by her again if I choose not to be. I will tend to my responsibility to her by paying her bills and taking the things she needs to the nurses desk...Any thoughts ??

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Geez, I am beginning to wonder if there are any families that aren't dysfunctional! Your Mom really lays into you. You need a break right now. Drop the guilt. Take care of yourself. I just put my Mother in rehab and she'll be there for a month or so. Then, she thinks she's coming back home. I'm not so sure about that because I am at burnout too, like you. We can take only so much of anything then it's time to draw the line in the sand. I am formulating my response and part of that will be just letting her go through rehab, but I won't be there much, like visiting every day like I have been. I want her to realize with my absence that when she does come back home, that's a big if to at this point, that she will have to either choose to go into some kind of residential care or be willing to pay for home health care aides who will come in on a regular basis to give me breaks to have part of my life back. Having Home Health Care Aides come in will be a whole lot less expensive than paying the heavy bill for residential care, assisted living, or what's appropriate at the time of her discharge from rehab. When you talk the bottom line to her, you get her undivided attention. I just going to tell her flat-out that I need time off, and adequate time off, to keep myself sane and physically healthy or I'm going to put her in some kind of residential care facility. That's the last thing she wants, so I think she will listen. She's in early stage dementia and can still converse. Remembering anything 2 seconds later is another problem. And, abuse, 2tsnana, is something no one has to put up with. Demand that they give you respect, or make them pay the price for not doing so. Take the reins of control and use them. Most of us caretakers have a lot of power we don't use (it's not our nature, we're lovers, not agitators) until we're desperate. You said, ".I pick up my purse and walked out. I went to the store and brought extra of the things I provide for her took them back to the nursing home gave them to the nurses station and I do not intend on going back for a long while." This was definitely the right move and you now have some freedom. Take it.
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yes..i agree with all..you have allowed your Mom to expect too much from you..I have made the same mistake with my disabled sister. I am being more firm now and setting my boundaries. It was really hard at first..but I needed to back off from her abusive behavior and demands. This site has really helped me to hear from others and know that I am not alone and i have learned not to feel guilty..
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madge1...relationships are a 2 way street...YYEESSSS !!!!
2tsnana...could you maybe look at it like this: she's finally pushed you far enuf that she's helped you find your limit and you've drawn a line in the sand. As your mom, she's helped you learn a valuable lesson and you could see that as something to appreciate. SHE has helped you be able to release her.This may be a fuzzy analogy but when l train dogs on leash and they are stubborn "pullers" that want their own way and are blinded by their perception of power, l just turn 180 degrees and walk briskly in the opposite direction, bringing the dog along, much to its surprise. Repeat that enough times and their behavior CAN change...note l didn't say WILL...it's easier to get thru to a dog than a person. But l think this senario came into mind to mention b/c when you have decompressed and you are ready to try a visit, you shouldn't be feeling tentative or nervous like you're walking on eggshells...NO...you go in with head held high and a lilt in your step, and the VERY moment she says or does anything you don't agree with (pulling), you stand, smile broadly and happily, turn (180) without a word and walk out til the next time.
If she has awareness of what she's doing as you believe she does, you'll have her trained in no time. Lol. If she turns out to be untrainable, you'll just have to put a little more time in between until perhaps she's willing to listen to your song. But you've still been given her gift of release! May you come to balance snd harmony with it all.
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I just got off the phone with the hospice social worker and she had just left my mom she said my mom was still adamant about getting out. My mom is still mad at me, she agreed me staying away for now is good. I told her the little girl in me wants my mom to miss me, but the grown up me knows that will not happen.
She is having a rallying moment so she has realized that she is going to die there if she doesn't do something. Last week she thought she was dying and happy to be there.
She cannot walk more than maybe 10 feet she is confined to a wheelchair or the bed. She is on oxygen 24/7, takes morphine for chest pain which she says she has not had since Monday. I told the social worker that I know my mother and unless the pain was bad she will not tell anyone to prove a point. She is that stubborn !! I asked the Social Worker how my mom can logically think she can get out. She hasn't thought that out just wants out.
Even if her health issues were not so severe I couldn't take her because she would ruin me. I hate that she has got to this point, but her life style put her there. She has no other family nor friends that will spend time with her she has no one but me...now that didn't happen by accident. I just hate all of this..I want it to go away !! I am tired of worrying about her I am tired of it all. I just want to have peace in my life, spend time with my husband, children and grandchildren whom I love and enjoy so much with her in my mind.
When I was in therapy I told her that I just didn't want my mom to die and me be mad at her...well, I just don't think that is going to happen. I told the social worker today that my mom could cut me completely out of her life just like she has everyone else if it weren't for she needs me for material things...nothing else. Isn't that something?
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I have had a very similar situation . . . The AL advised me to take a week off and it worked with the rare outburst afterward. Last one was four months ago. Take the break. You need to keep yourself well and you DESERVE to keep yourself well. Big hugs to you . . . :-)
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Sending good thoughts your way. You sound like a very kind, caring person to me! Don't feel guilty - you deserve to take care of yourself!
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2tsnana, Bless your heart. I feel badly for you. I too have a nasty, spiteful mother. Same sort, never was there for me emotionally. Just an empty suit. She also makes snide remarks about me (and my brother is more than happy to tell me alllllll about it). I have not talked to Mom for almost 4 months. She is constantly triangulating between my brother, myself and her. I decided to stop being the third side of the triangle.

As for guilt, let it go. Your mother seems to have none, just like my mother. As time goes by, I feel better and better. I realized that I owe my mother no more than she owes me. Relationships are a two way street, not one way.

I have grown a harder shell. You will too if you let yourself and stop blaming yourself for trying to please a woman who will never be pleased. Your mother is like my mother, she feels entitled to having everything as she wants and sees it. Too bad. Don't let her have her way, it gives her a certain amount of power and people like our mother's get drunk with control and power. Good luck
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I have to say you hit the nail about "snide remarks" ...I have been told what she says by hospice nurse, social workers, aides...unfortunately they stick to me like glue. All her anger is at me. Every since the blow up Monday she has been pleasant to the staff. I call and check on her. She did tell the social worker just like she did me that she worked too hard all her life to end up in a nursing home. I did sign the papers for her to be placed but the doctors and social workers all said it was time and if I had not be her in I do believe the state would have taken over. She was falling and also harassing the neighbors because she believed that "homeless people" were living in their car..crazy, crazy mess. I would love a vacation and maybe soon. I am my mother's only child and my husband's mother lives next door to us she is 89 and he is her only child. She is healthy just memory problems. All I can say anyone that has only has one child just consider help for themselves when they get older.
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It is easy for me not to go to the NH. I am 1500 miles away. But, I can put myself in your shoes. If people want to visit Mother, they are free to - but I ask them not to inform me of every little snide remark that she makes to them. In our case, though no one "put Mother any where." She was taken to the hospital after a fall, and was told she could not live alone. She has her right mind, so all papers that were signed, were by her. POA is an adult grandson. But, if I lived in my home town, people would think that I should be a the NH, every day. I think not. I am 59.

Go on vacation. Give the nursing home your number, but get away for a weekend.
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Good for you for setting boundaries! You have nothing to be guilty about. do a meditation called loving kindness. It is great for people in your life that are challenging to say the least. This meditation will allow you to send love to your mother from a distance but first you must send love to yourself. It is a process. This changed my life.
relaxforsuccess
It is time to heal your wounds.
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If she is still angry with you then all the more reason to stay in the shadows for a while. She will get over it and forget and you said it yourself her mind is not right so you can't take it personally. Hope things work out for the best for you. Take Care
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I have talked to the Hospice Social Worker and the NH Social Worker she is doing fine so far. She did tell them both she wanted out, but she can't get out. She told both of them she is very mad at me. She is having a moment of rallying but that will disappear in the drop of an eye. The next dose of morphine for chest pain will show her again that she is not in any shape to leave. I realize she is sick and her mind is not right but it doesn't stop what she says from hurting ;-( You always think those thoughts came from somewhere right ?
I sat in my car during lunch yesterday and read still felt a pang of guilt but I do that all the time !! Thanks guys ;-)
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Abuse is abuse, no one needs it nor do they deserve it. If she don't appreciate your visits then just leave her be for awhile. However I do feel bad for the staff at the home because she will probably be real rotten with them. But they are probably used to her attitude by now and know how to handle her. They will just walk away and come back after she settles down, much like you have to do for your own good. Don't feel guilty you were doing your best for her and providing her with safety. Take your very much needed break and when you feel it is time to check up with her then do so, but for now enjoy your life and kick guilt in the butt. Best of luck to you.
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Lots of prayers and love to you. Going through the same but with mom at home. It is very tough. I was never the "good" kid or the "favorite", but I took care of my dad with Parkinson's and now my mom with Alzheimers. She is physically and verbally abusive and has been all her life. I don't know how much more I can do for her...but I feel it may be time to start taking care of me. Good luck to you. I will pray.
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You guys all of you are great...I mean it from the bottom of my heart. ((Hugs))
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Hon, my husband is 50 and is going through the same thing with his dad. He went to the nursing home (where his dad has been 1 month) and took him Father's Day gifts. He said, "I have some cards." His response? "I don't want those damn cards, just take everything back." My husband is staying away as much as possible. He has had it.
Sometimes in life you just sit down and realize there are people who should have never had kids. There is a reason many elderly people sit in nursing homes alone. Sure, there are the cases where the kids are jerks and don't come around but the older I get, I think those are few and far between.
I think most people in nursing homes are alone because of 2 reasons: 1) They are so hateful, they have alienated all friends, family, co-workers, etc. and most of the above people spent their entire lives trying to not be around them and 2) they are so onry, they have outlived almost everyone in their family.
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Sheeeesh Christine....you beat me to it again! LOL!
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You did the right thing. You are a human being too! You have done more than you needed to and a big fat BREAK is well deserved. Don't beat yourself up. You will go back...but not for a while and a LOT less frequently. Have a GREAT lunch tomorrow and throw the guilt in the garbage where it belongs.:)
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Yes, 2tsnana, you need to expand your life beyond work and the care home.
You are a caring adult, but too easy to control. Take control of yourself. Go get a pedicure tomorrow instead of visiting the home. Stay away until you are not angry and hurt and feel like you can establish your autonomy, at least a few boundaries. You can do it, girlfriend. WhooHoo! A new personal goal! I care, Dear One:) xo
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tsnana - I understand and am setting firmer boundaries myself. My mother is 101 and I am 75, and with my upbringing I don't know what "normal" is, but I am have learned that putting up with abuse is not normal. I can now reassure myself. Keep going in the direction you are going. I care give at a distance - my mother is in an ALF 5 hrs drive away. I give myself breaks from communication when she gets nasty. I tend to take an Ativan before I see her too, as the ranting over whatever, and the paranoia is hard to take. They pull the guilt trips all the time - fear, obligation and guilt FOG to manipulate and get attention, No one needs it. Be sure you are as good to you as you are to her. Time for you and your family now.Look after you ((((((((hugs)))))))
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You know she is safe and well cared for by the staff. You need to distance yourself from the craziness for your own well being. There are people who suck the life out of others and are never satisfied. It sounds like your mother is one of those people. Please do not feel guilty. You are a good and caring person and you deserved better than what you've received from your mother.
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The nursing home staff have been telling me to stop coming everyday anyway. The knots in stomach about dreading the visit everyday feel better. I know that I have been good to my mom. I know that I have been better to her than she ever was me. I know I am tired. I work full-time I have kids and grandkids I love and want to do things with without thinking about her first. The nursing staff is very good to her and she has been quite abusive to some of them. I want to think she has no control over what she says, but she does. She is delusional and she is paranoid but she knows...she just knows I always come back. I will make sure she has everything she needs at a distance and I just don't know when I will go back....When I became a mother myself is when it really started to be a reality of how she had treated me and me knowing how I felt about my own children I just didn't get it ...still don't. Even after therapy I struggle. I have been taking Xanax to copy .05 before I even walk in the door.
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I agree. Time to look out for yourself and take a long emotional break. I had some trauma/drama with my mom early this year. After doing all I could; I finally set boundaries and have taken an emotional hiatus. I haven't visited in 6 mos and only call about once every 2 wks. We have pleasant conversations, or if she goes off on me I just hang up and turn off the phone. I will no longer have angst over her drama because she refuses outside care or assistance.

It's not easy at first, I still get guilt pangs because she's my mom; but I remind myself that I've been a good daughter and don't deserve to be abused because she isn't happy with her life or circumstances.

Hang in there, step away for awhile and explain to nursing home how you feel and you only want to be contacted in an emergency. No shame in taking a break. Give yourself permission to do so and then take care of you.

Send cards and pictures in the meantime if it makes you feel better.
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As you can tell due to the fact I posted I still need reassurance. I am 57 years old and I still need to know that I am ok...that is just sad...
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My thoughts: you have done a lot already, so distancing yourself for your own well-being is more than reasonable. Take a good long break and do not feel guilty!
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Make that 15 years she came here in 1997
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