Do any other caregivers experience sobbing spells?

I experience, not sobbing, but screaming/crying spells, alone in the car, every time I leave the NH, and leave my husband behind. That is my relief....well???

If we are truthful we all are having such mixed emotions whether our parents are still with us or are deceased. I can only imagine the "let down" when one passes away after being a caregiver. But, the sad part is we cannot stop nature or the process while caregiving. It seems we are getting older with our parents living to 90-100 and we are about a worn out as they are. And we feel so obligated to do everything so perfectly, which is impossible. And then when they pass away we always think we should have done more. But, the truth and reality is we cannot do anymore. We too have health issues and the stress of taking care of our loved ones, especially with mental or dementia problems is virtually impossible. Unless they live with us, god forbid, we cannot be there every minute and that is the most unhealthy situation of all. We just have to keep going but we all grieve for many reasons and at our own pace so don't feel guilty or lost Hope when Joy does come in the morning. We just don't know when that will be. We all need to have faith that their is a higher power who can get us through this and give us the peace that passes all understanding. I hope each of you can have Hope and Faith in your own unique circumstances. We are human with a human nature and grieving our parents illness or death is so difficult. But, I believe we must grieve in our own time and individual way and allow time to heal the wounds. They may leave a deep scar but we do get better.

My love and prayer to each of you.

Sunny

I read your story ( coincidentally) as tears were rolling down my face . And felt like you were talking to me Today is 1 year since my mother has been living with me. Although I have been taking care of her for the previous ten years. She has brain damage from a fall, dementia and diabetes. She doesn't know who I am and as much as she doesn't recognize me I can hardly recognize myself either.Or at least what was life before any of this..Oddly can't remember crying like today.. l will pray for you and hope that you will find strength in that. Somehow the crying is good release valve.. Its like a million thought crashing everywhere--(can i keep on doing this--If i don't how can I afford putting her in a home. When will i sleep.. Love- aggravation-mourning-resentment-burnout.... Once a week i have an hour and i will go sit in mychurch for an hour. It has given me strength to go on and I hope to continue God Willing.. Bless You

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother, now starting the journey again with your husband. Go ahead and cry and sob. I am just starting the journey with my elderly parents ( only 4 months) and there have been days when the tears just flow. I would rather have this than the numbness I feel a lot of the time. Just no emotion at all and feeling paralyzed. At least the tears, I feel something. Prayers are with you.

Oh, yeah! Many, many times. However, once I accepted all this as God's will, His plan, His design in His time, I am at peace. I still cry, but it isn't the heart-wrenching, emotionally draining, despair and hopelessness I felt before. Prayer works. It truly does....but remember, it's in HIS time, not yours; it's HIS will, not yours. Turn it over to your Higher Power; let it go; then you will find peace. Love and joy to you.

Hello Debrah... I am a Deborah as well, with an O. I am caring for my mother who has Alzheimer's. It has taken over my life, where I can hardly work. I had to quit a good full-time job to do my own advertising business. I am not complaining at all, but it is just the reality of how much time is involved in caring for a loved one with this horrible disease. I go to Alzheimer's support group mtgs. monthly and I have crying jags a couple times a week. It is so hard to watch the decline and the light slipping away from my mother's eyes. She now doesn't know that I am her daughter. She thinks I am a sister or "someone related" to her. It is heart breaking. I am hoping to mover her into an assisted living home very soon as I worry about her safety and confusion when I am out working. I take her with me on some sales calls, when I can. I just wanted to say that all the caregivers of an Alzheimer's loved one suffer the pain, the loss of not only their loved one, but of ourselves as well. God Bless us all.... P.S. I do pray a lot, and that has helped me to cope.

Looks like I am the only one that is taking a med for depression. Yes, sobbing after 3 days of it I reached out to my doc and she prescribed something to take the edge off. Lucky for me a good side effect is it's also helping with my arthritis pain. Hope you talk with your doctor and also do what the above posters advise to do in order to care for yourself. Blessings!

I have been caring form my bedridden dad who has dementia and my mom who is frail from caring for him. I am also an RN and I am not able to work as I care for them all day. My mom is very controlling and buys things for me that I dont need or like. I cry because I feel trapped and because I miss the husband that left me 5 years ago. Even though I go to the YMCA to exercise and volunteer once a week at Catholic Charities - I still feel not only trapped but lonely. It helps when when see my mom as "poor and needy" as described in the Psalms and to hear uplifting music. I also look forward to the next phase of my life which I believe will be wonderful.

First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. everyone knows my 94 y.o. mom lives in a nursing home & although I let them "care" for her I'm in charge if she can't speak for herself, of which I had a taste of the first weekend she was there & NEVER want to go through that again, but, only time will tell if the dementia gets to that stage. I already told my counselor I might as well accept the fact I will be "completely devastated" when she passes. As for crying, yes, I cry quite often & it's completely normal. I'm a Certified Medical Assistant, Cancer Society volunteer, AND Hospice volunteer, BUT Im human first! We must all remember that & most of the time we "forget" that we are Human. You're HUMAN, first. You're allowed to feel sad - it's one of the basic emotions humans have! Socity frowns on crying but to be honest, when mom passes, I have already given myself permission to react however I'll react, sobbing or not sobbing, whatever. Taking care of mom's finances is a job in itself & since I'm also an only child - I can't put restrictions on my emotions.

I live long way from my mom who is in a nursing home. I am responsible for making sure her affairs are handled (POA). She went in to the hospital last fall, then rehab and stayed in the nursing home. I cry frequently, or feel like it. I am not even her caregiver. I am saddened by her circumstances. I feel badly that I cannot take care of her, and it has given me a rather bleak outlook on life, especially as I read how people like you have so much difficulty to deal with. It just seems so sad what people have to handle with their aging parents, and what we have to look to as we age. I wish I didn't know what I know now.
I don't think it is unusual to have crying spells, but as others have mentioned, maybe it's a good idea to see your doctor and discuss antidepressants. I think I will.

Absolutely, positively. My heart breaks nearly daily for my mom...and for me. The tears are a great release for me, and help put things back onto an even keel.

Theres times and im being honest when I hate my mum she can be so cruel and nasty but then shell do something or say something that makes me realise she is losing her mind and I go into the kitchen and cry my eyes out and this is going to get worse?? we all need to cry its healthy and this illness is just horrible to watch. There are days I see a witch, then other days I see a sad frightened old lady its so hard to not cry.

I empathize, I sympathize, I just want to give you a bear-hug --- I have dealt with similar situations for a full 10 years prior to my parents death, + am also retired medical.
I think due to our education and professional knowledge, we think we should manage it all like we did with our patients in the hospitals @ work...and be mentally stronger than the average Joe... Does not work that way... I ended up with caregivers burnout just like the average Joe would, because this is not a stranger as in the hospital where we were taught to be only empathetic, or else we would loose effectiveness as caregivers, it's close family... I may have lasted longer than the average Joe. Yet the sobbing is not weakness .. . it's your mind telling you..."watch it"... get some professional help ... before you break as I did....
One little thing that helped, was my "get-Away" time-out. After a stressful period the brain-cells recover faster,if made to change activity drastically to a different subject. My subject:: A few minutes at a computer-game, requiring total concentration, like Freecell, or Mahjong...10-15 minutes of that, and I would be able to continue the caregiver chores. that had tired me into oblivion a few minutes earlier. But I was also aware and carefully took the medication Dr.s Rxed to help me through those years. And friends +family support , mentally or physically with KINDNESS, does round out the value of doing this hard job ! Be proud of the fact that you are the POLE holding up the family tent... God bless !!!

I cry several times a day and have been my mother's caregiver in my home for the last 7 years, it helps release stress, will keep you in my prayers

So sorry for your loss and it is only natural to want and need to cry. Crying is just one positive way to heal your grief. If you were angry and taking it out on God I would be concerned. I lost my father in 1973 and still cry for him. He has a massive stoke in his early fifties and I have needed him so many times over the years. I will never get over it. And mother is 91 and had severe dementia and getting worse each day. It is so hard trying to care for them. She has become child-like and the most minor things upset and frighten her and I am sure I would feel the same way if I were at her stage in life. The problem with me is I have depression and CFS/FM/ME and cannot take as good of care of her as I would like. I am here for her but her multi phones calls where she repeats everything and tells me her fears just kills me and there is nothing I can do to change it. I give her all the love and attention I can but don't get much help from my two younger brothers. My youngest gets upset with her and fusses and we cannot fuss with her at this stage in her life. I often cry to because I know I am stressing over the inevitable.

I am on a new medication called Buspar which has helped my crying spells but nothing helps my severe fatigue and fibromyalgia pain. And I crushed my wrist a year ago and have several surgeries. One of the rods came out and had to be removed but I have another on on the other side that is still in. I had osteo very bad and did not know it until the accident. This has been a nightmare and the most painful experience in my life and I am left with limited mobility in my right had which prevents me from doing things I need to do. I am in constant pain. I cannot see how it can still hurt after a year??

As for your being a nurse, that could be a serious problem instead of a benefit. We deal with our loved ones based on emotions and not always the best judgement. As a nurse you have seen much death and I imagine this makes it your enemy. And how can we not grieve the lost of our loved ones. Some people seem to be stronger but I am an emotional person and cry when watching a movie or reading a sad book so my emotions are raw, as I would imagien yours are right now. You may want to consider getting some medication to help you through this time of the worse grief possible.

I too believe in the power of prayer and I will add you to my prayer list that God will give you the peace to get over the worst part but please don't hide your grief from others. Especially those who you can trust to understand what you are going through. If you have never lost a loved one, you could not possibly understand. It is like my illnesses, I don't look sick and many doubt I am. But, I have learned to pray for them that they will learn more about my immunological problems. As you know many people refuse to believe they are real and I cannot prove it. I just know it. So, it can hurt to be judged but God have given me more compassion for those who have never experienced it since it is difficult to understand any pain or suffering we have not personally experienced. It is like having a baby.and trying to explain the pain. It cannot be done, only experiencing it will help them and I pray that no one will have to experience this debilitating illness. Sorry if off topic. lol

My love, hugs and prayers are with you, I truly have experienced your grief with so many family and loved ones over the years. Just lost a close first cousin on April 1st and his sister was hospitalized with her heart that morning while he was in ER. The stress can feel unbearable at times, but times does heal the wounds. We may have scars but with time it does get better. So grief as long as it takes to get over this traumatic experience of losing your most precious mother.

Hugs and Prayers,

Sunny

You are exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually: no surpirse. Now, being a nurturer, you need to minister to your well-being and create a team of people to assist YOU in that goal. You appear to be doing that, yet I IMPLORE YOU TO CONSIDER ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. I cannot go into the literature of what depression does to one physiologically in this limited space, but as a nurse you should understand. This is very serious, is likely to be time-focused; but unless you give yourself ALL the ammunition available to recover from what you have endured, and what you still have yet to face, you will be like a car that has run out of gas. Your body wont be able to function! Please seek additional professional help.

Crying is how the soul cleanses itself and it is such a great release for all the tension. I can be strong for only so long and then I need a deep sobbing release to get me through the next 6 months. God Bless

Some people find an antidepressant helpful at such stressful periods. Talk to your GP about this.

The cares of this world. So sorry, but yes, I have had bouts of sobbing. I usually start praying for the Spirit to lighten my load. I am glad I have good memories. I glad that the Lord watched over my family, and I am glad we will all be with Him some day. Keep in the Word. Do things that you like to do when the time presents itself. Talk with friends. I find myself admiring babies more , makes me feel a certain calm. I will pray for you.

I think you have a normal grief process going on for your recent loss of your mother. You were her primary caregiver and so when you are running at top speed to care for her, her death feels like someone drew a rug from under your feet and your world seems so strange without her presence. I felt this way when my parents died and I would be fine and then just break down a weep. I think it is us dealing with the loss of the person in our life. You loved your mother and you miss her. In time, I began to appreciate the times I had with my parents. I began to think/dream of them prior to their illnesses or old age ailments. Remember trips we took together, the fun we had together. I still miss them but
I realize I am mourning my loss not their lives, each of them had good well lived lives.

It takes time to deal with death. Cry when you feel the need, don't be embarrassed it only shows that you had the capacity for a deep love. People who don't grieve such a loss, perhaps never experienced the depth of love.
It will get better with time, I wrote some of feeling in a diary. It was often a very short entry but it gave me a chance to get my feelings out.

I am sure you are worried about the future for your husband given his diagnosis. However, it is beyond his and your control. Perhaps he will
not decline for a long time. I would take it one day at a time because in the
end that is all any of us can do. We never know what great or sad things lie
ahead--I think I would rather not know anyway. Life is full of surprises.

Good luck.

First let me say I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my father a few months ago and I still have crying spells. For the entire time I took care of him I was not even myself. I was going through so much emotional turmoil inside knowing his condition would never get better:( Lord knows now I think of all I wished I did more of (I know that is crazy but that is it) and I know I did all I could for him but as a caretaker when your loved one passes you take on so much more...It is hard to write in words. Cry it out. They say it is good for you to cry it out because if you don't it will stay bottled up and make you sick(er). I feel bad for you now taking on the caretaking role so soon after losing your beloved mother. Please be careful and take good care of you. I could not possibly think of caretaking for some time now - maybe down the road but I know it pretty near literally killed me as well. I had so much illness while and after Daddy's passing that I am still trying to recuperate. I will pray for you. God Bless. Keep reading and writing in here. This site really helped me when I was going through so much with my Dad. I sure do miss him more than ever even though I know he is out of pain and in Heaven it is the worst I ever went through in my life.

Yes, I too experience crying spells. I feel like they are a good thing sometimes, because they allow me to release the pain caused by seeing someone I love continue to decline. Caregiving is a roller coaster with uncertainty at every drop and corner. If you lookup caregiver grief, you may find some comfort. You are a courageous and strong person to be able to do what you are doing. Hugs

I understand what you are going through---I lost my father in 2008 and my longtime boyfriend started cancer treatment in 2009----I have found that a hot bath before bed gives me time to relax and cry without upsetting anyone else----yes I have a few times when I become overwhelmed---I know that we have to cope so this is my stress relief---also walking on the beach is such a calming time---hope this helps---Janet

All the time when I was caring for mom and still now two years later.

Yes, I did experience a couple of SEVERE crying jags during the time I had my 97 yr old M-I-L living with us. I would start crying & seemed I couldn't stop. It truly scared me, I felt I was having a nervous breakdown! I was her primary caregiver & sometimes I felt so overwhelmed. I so wanted my old life back. After 6 months we had no choice but to put her in a NH & I am happy to say she is doing so well. We have been amazed because she told us over & over she was not ready for the NH. It has been an answer to prayer for sure! My best advice is do NOT forget to take time for yourself!! I think that is VERY important for you. Prayers for peace!

As a caregiver to my husband, I often cry more than once a week. I don't think it is "pre-grieving" in my case but rather that I am grieving over the fact that the man I married is already gone and my life, as a result, has become so stressed, sad and lonely.

Yes. I do break out in crying jags. I'm can't claim such tragedy or such a caregiving burden as you are experiencing, but the isolation of providing live-in care for my Mom causes me to break down in tears about once a week. I don't know if I'm "pre-grieving" her, or grieving the loss of my own normal life, but the crying jag is usually unexpected and inconvenient. I send you prayers for strength and personal peace.

I was so busy with funeral arrangements when my parents died that the sadness didn't hit me until quite a few months later when the reality and finality of the situation really hit me. My parents had been divorced since I was quite young and they died many years apart. I had been estranged from my mother from the age of 12 until the age of 32 and only had 10 months to spend with her before she died of lung cancer, during which time I helped to take care of her with a paid health aide. Her death, which happened suddenly at the age of 62, hit me very hard a few months later. My father was 87 by the time he died when I was older and, unfortunately, had had a lot more experience with the death of people close to me. I was sad when he died but also a little bit relieved because he had been a highly educated physician who had lived a long, productive life (continuing to work and downhill ski until his early 80s) before becoming incapacitated at the end of his life so I didn't feel I had as much "unfinished business" with him as I had had with my mother. I was sad when my father died but didn't have the crying jags that I had after my mother died. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and feelings sadness for some time is normal. If, however, you feel that the sadness is more than you can handle, it might be a good idea to look into counselfing.

Yes I think it is normal for one who has experienced so much grief and disappointment to go through this. I have no answer, only to say that I have watched several other sob when they first faced the reality of Alzheimers and I am sure it is just as difficult for everyone going through this.. At my church they have a thing called "Stephen's Ministry" where the Steven's persons have recieved hours and hours of training, and they will sit and listen to you, and counsel you, and cry with you, if that is what you need. I had that FREE service for almost a year and a half when I first found out that my hubby had Alzheimers and that my daughter was moving a few hours away at the same time. I was still trying to work at that time and do it all. I finally retired and now it is much easier. I go out with my friends as often as possible to get away from the same old thing day after day with hubby. We just go for a few hours and have lunch or shop or just get together and talk. Fortunately I can still leave my husband alone for that long, as long as I call him and remind him to eat his lunch that I have prepared for him to eat. He seems to be OK for a short while. I don't expect that will last much longer. I will have to call someone to come and stay with him for short periods of time when I need to get out!

I am sorry for your loss. With all due respect, I'd be crying my eyes out every minute if I had to do caregiving part II with another person. You have been through so much with your mother, recognize that it just may be the thought of another lifetime of care that has you overwrought. Perhaps, I am wrong in with you, but it sure would be integral in my case.