Has caregiving contributed to the loss of your marriage?

I am not married, but been with my bf for 3 1/2 years. Less than a year into our relationship, his brother passed away, leaving him the sole caretaker for his 85 year old mother with dementia.. Our relationship changed pretty drastically from being pretty carefree for us both to having to first deal with his brother's illness, then taking on his mother. Some heavy stuff to deal with, as it seems many here had many years of a foundation beneath them before going through this together. While his mother is a nice person and relatively healthy physically, she is terribly needy emotionally. My bf works full time, but comes home every day to eat lunch with her, takes her out to dinner a few times during the week, takes her out several times on the weekend and sees to her every need. Still, this is not enough for her and she is upset when we go out together and don't include her. She was used to his brother being home with her 24/7, so apparently, expects more of the same. She has no other friends or family, and has no desire to make any friends. I have asked him many times to find some respite care to maybe take her to a movie or lunch once a week to reduce her dependence on him, but he thinks she would not agree to this so won't do it. We've had occasional week-end trips away with a trusted friend looking in on her, but no real vacations. Even when we go away for a date night, she gives him a massive guilt trip, and cries about how much she missed him when we return. I know she will only get worse and have real physical care needs at some point. We have discussed marriage and/or moving in together, but I'm thinking that her demands would be very negative for our relationship. There are days where I am just happy to retreat to my own house or meet him somewhere away from her. My own mother has expressed to me that she would never want to be a burden to her children, while his mother has made him promise never to put her in a nursing home. He is a wonderful man, and his willingness to be a caregiver speaks volumes to his level of responsibility and character. So why does this whole thing tear me apart so?

It sounds like your boyfriend is very busy caring for his mother. If he continues
at this pace, there will not be much time for your relationship with him. It might be best to back off the relationship until his mother has passed. She is 85 and in poor health and in say 5 yrs you may want to rekindle the relationship with an eye toward marriage. Marrying now will turn you into the secondary caregiver and I don't think that is a way to start a marriage. Most spouses who care for in-laws have been married for yrs or decades, have built up some kind of a positive relationship with their in-laws (and even then it is difficult). Frankly, caregiving is a skill which is much easier to do for your own parent or loved one (aunts uncles etc). For caregiving blood is thicker than water in most cases.

Thank you Lizann. Her physical health is relatively good, so I think it could be longer. Your responses are along the lines of what has been on my mind since the beginning of this whole thing.

I don't know how long your cousin has been married? In my case I've known my husband since I was 10 yrs old. We've been together for 34 yrs and married for 28... He is my main support system. I have been his support through family losses of loved ones...They are my family too..I cared for his GreatGM and his Mom who died from breast cancer also his brother who was a heroin addict was living with us while trying to recover. Sadly he lost that battle.. After receiving his inheritance from my MIL's death.. Addicts and large sums of money do not go together!!

If something happened and I had to start over would I marry someone who was care giving for a loved with dementia? HELL NO!!! I been there and done that! But I would never turn my back on my husband or family..

Joyce, my guess is that they were having problems long before mom moved in. The addition to the household is simply the straw that broke the camel's back. They would have separated eventually, regardless of her presence. If you are strong, caregiving will make you stronger, if you are weak, it will break you.

I feel even with the tough battle that is care giving, there needs to be a balance. It should not and cannot be one sided. Yes I feel neglected sometimes. I'm not needy and selfish, and as I answered in another question, have done and given more than I care to type. All I've ever asked for is some sort of help and assistance (still have practically none). Our physical and emotional health is at stake, in very real terms. I also believe that, at least in the case of marriage, when you take the vow to forsake all others for your spouse, in a sense that means your parents. NOT to toss them aside or not take care of them, that's NOT what I'm saying. But your spouse has to come first. I think sometimes, what if I had a heart attack and needed some pretty constant care - would my wife help me and get someone to help with her mother, or care for her mother primarily and get someone else to help me? She's supposed to care for me, but how would that be possible in the event of an emergency without assistance with her mother? She can't even iron my clothes (I truly don't mind but she beats herself up over it), make my lunch or other small tasks she wishes to do for me.

I have been taking care of my father since my mom died suddenly of an aneurism 5 years ago. he head been diagnosed with alz & dementia 10 years ago. We never saw it coming we thought mom would outlive dad. So when she passed away suddenly no one knew what to do. My dad was still in the early stages and requested that he live alone, but after months of having to visit him daily to make sure he took his meds and was eating properly, we found him not able to live alone , for the reason that my mom had always done everything for him. We also found him picking up homeless women and bringing them home. Against his wishes but at the request of my siblings I moved out of my home who I shared with my long time boyfriend and moved in with my dad. I cut hours from my job and became dads caregiver. My siblings almost instantly stopped calling and visiting. After 2 years of being pretty much on my own with him my boyfriend of almost 25 years started seeing other women, I told him to go ahead because I understood his need for companionship, I could only spend short amounts of time with him and dad wouldn't allow him to spend time with me due to jealousy. Its been 5 years now and though my boyfriend tried to see other people our love pulled us through. Him seeing all I have endured in the last 5 years makes him love me more. We still don't get to see each other that often, maybe a couple hours 2x a week. But he's always there for me I only hope he can hang in there till the end. I promised him it will be soooo worth his while.

My husband and I were newlyweds when my mother-in-law moved in with us. We were only able to take a one day honeymoon because we couldn't leave her alone for long. Having her with us has definitely caused the loss of alone time for us, but we try to make up for it by going on short day trips together and having date nights.
I think this experience has made us closer, like we are a team. We work together well, and whenever my mil puts me down for serving a frozen dinner because I've had no time to cook from scratch, or being too exhausted to run the vacuum around, my hubby always sticks up for me and helps me a lot with the cooking and cleaning.

Thinking that their should be "balance" when caregiving is an nice thought but nothing more. Caring for an elder is unlike caring for an infant. The infant gets bigger, stronger and more independent--the elder grows weaker and more dependent over time, they just do.

Regarding the wedding vows, your spouse has not vowed to disregard the needs of her parents and neither did you. A spouse's needs did come first when the parents were able to live with little to no help, but things have changed in their abilities due to illnesses or age. For now, for a decade or so, they will need to receive more of your spouses attention. She has not ceased to love you, but her love for her parents comes first when they are needy elders. They will pass away, she will likely return to waiting on your every need. But
for now you may wish to help out were possible rather than remind your wife
she is carrying a heavy load or housewife and full time caregiver.

having 14 years to think about it, no, caregiving didnt ruin my marriage. being a jerk ruined my marriage. it somehow indirectly caused my wife to start snortin crank with the neighbor b***hes and sleeping with the crank dealer.

Has Mom been formally diagnosed as having dementia?
Or, has she had dependent or other dysfunctional behaviors for a lifetime?

Handling all our stuff AND Mom's stuff, was waaaaayyy too much.
It was killing me. It did almost caused divorced, for sure.
Mom's stuff almost got us evicted too.
Guilt trips? It was way beyond 'just guilt trips', here.
ANY relationship or family problems WILL magnify when under pressure from caregiving...it's up to those in the relationship to work on maintaining the relationship. It's hard, unremitting work! Choices must be made. It WILL be emotionally draining.

Be supportive, caring, AND...
==Get some counseling.
==Contact your nearest Area Agency on Aging to learn what other resources might be found that could help.
==IF she is not yet under your BF's roof, counsel BF to avoid allowing Mom to live under his roof, NOR moving into Mom's house. That complicates things terribly, and further puts him at risk in a number of ways---you too, if you live with him.

==Focus on priorities:
Immediate family unit is #1, especially if there are children.
Caring for elders and others, is #2; sometimes those vie for #1.

NO relationship, no individual, no matter how stellar, well educated or trained, is equipped to handle the complicated behaviors certain dependent, behaviorally destructive elders can wreak, and maintain health and sanity. Especially not 24/7.
It's UNrealistic for one person to expect another to be their "everything". Especially not anything close to 24/7.
Most folks have a hard time doing that level of intense relationship even a few hours a day.
Dependence-mode-behaviors = the expectation that someone will gaze into their eyes all the time, be at beck-and-call, be at their side, 'Go-fer" everything, be their only friend & companion; the dependent person sucking the caregiver into their strange thought processes: dependent-mode people of any age, get terribly anxious & act-out badly if they don't get that...they seriously believe they can't survive without all that--it IS survival mode for them, that's why they act-out so badly.

An individual can't survive too much of that--it's not normal; it will wear them to a frazzle.
It's one thing to care for a child doing that--those can learn differently.
It's harder to caregive an elder doing it--they can't get better--only worse.
A relationship, especially one recently started, would have a hard time surviving that, too.
The brother who died taking care of this mother---gotta wonder---how much of his demise was related to the stress of living as a martyr to Mom's behaviors? Could that happen to your BF, too?

IF she might be capable of making some choice at all [very questionable in dementia], MAYbe present her a limited choice, like:
"Mom, it's impossible for me to take full-time care of you. I've looked into Care Homes and found a very good one, OR, there are in-home caregivers that would allow you to stay in your home longer. Either way, I can still visit you. Which would you prefer, the Care Home or the In-Home care staff? "
[[BTW, she WILL likely pit one caregiver against another---that's classic---be ready: keep in close, clear communication with staff about it, or she'll tear ya'll to bits, losing good staff--that applies to family members, too.]]
IF caregivers in-home, find MULTIPLE caregivers for Mom--so they can rotate shifts--otherwise they will get burned-out; you'll lose them & be back where you started.

==Does BF have DPOA for taking care of Mom? If not, why not?
If Mom is diagnosed as demented, she is less capable, or not capable, of making good decisions.
The DPOA is legally allowed to make necessary decisions for someone who can't make rational decisions.
Mom's DPOA needs to make those for her now ---whether she likes it or not---to ensure Mom has care she needs--even if she can't understand that she needs it, or dislikes the decision.
Confused elders & children have limited ability to understand things.

The best way to love her now, is to be the loving, caring grownup one is, by making the hard decisions that must be made, to make sure Mom is safe & properly cared for---AND maintaining the health & well-being of the person[s] doing the caregiving.
Those decisions might not seem to make sense to Mom---yeah, it might make her angry, AND she may act-out badly--you might need help. ===The DPOA needs to get all the "ducks in a row" FIRST..
Other relatives or friends might not understand why a DPOA had to make certain choices, & might cause the DPOA grief, too--but they lack a full grasp of the situation as the DPOA who is right there.

==It's very important for caregivers to take good care of themselves, FIRST. Otherwise, they become useless as good caregivers.
==Do what you can to be supportive and encourage your BF to seek more help in caregiving his Mom--it sounds like he might be in over his head.
If that means finding a facility---even if Mom hates the idea---it might be the best decision for all.
Take care to find facilities that actually take good care of elders.
There are many levels of care choices, not just "nursing homes".
She may be fine in one of the "Continuing Care" places, designed to help an elder "age in place", ranging from complete independence in their own apartment, to full, 24/7 bed-care. Or, she might need a "memory care" place, that prevents her running away.

But don't wait too long. It only gets harder as her conditions get worse.
Avoid waiting for the terrible stress of catastrophe to make needed decisions.
It's better to be proactive, making wise decisions now--it's stress-relieving!

what is crank?

I think it refers to crystal meth. The Captain has had a colorful life.

I'm beginning to understand that!

Great advice Chimonger. Will need to re-read regularly! The needs to be entertained and the academy award winning drama plays when her needs aren't met have been getting worse around the holidays. BF finally seems willing to get some respite care. Unfortunately, she is already living with him which is the main reason I'm keeping my own place!

tracy888,

Please DO keep your own place!!!!!!! Even if you end up renting or subletting it to someone while you move in with BF to see how things go for a period of time.

BF's situation sounds like it's headed for some jagged rocks, unless BF seeks help caring for Mom. It could easily pull you down, and anyone else who might be vulnerable and too close to it to remain objective, too.

Keep your wits about you. Always have a "Plan B". Be informed.
Keep looking for potential things that can help BF deal with his situation better--that's supportive, too.

You can be supportive and loving to others AND take care of you first, without allowing yourself to get pulled down into other's miseries.
It's about learning how to set reasonable, rational, realistic limits on other's use of you [your energy, time, resources], while taking care of your basic needs.
Framing what's needed in terms lot long-term/big picture, is Prudent.

BF maybe could be reading AgingCare posts and situations.
Some of us never discovered this resource until too late into our situations.
This site/people posting are tremendously informative and supportive.
With all that gets posted on this site, one could avoid many pitfalls, just by reading through things and taking some of them to heart.