My husband died 6 years ago. He has no siblings, and we have no family in the area. His 97-year-old mother lives alone in a town home. She recently gave up her car and is having memory issues. She has no feeling below her knees, so her balance is poor, and she has fallen and hit her head numerous times with trips to the hospital and a broken arm in 2020. I am 68 and have two daughters who live far away- one with a toddler that I want to visit. Also, after losing my husband I have a serous boyfriend. I want a life. My MIL refuses to move to assisted living, get, or pay for help and so far over the last month has managed to get people to drive her places with me filling in very little. However, her neighbor who is on public assistance recently said it’s not worth the $5 for giving her a ride when it takes 1 hour or more of her time my MIL does not want to pay more and can’t seem to coordinate rides although I gave her 4 different transportation options. She has at least 5 doctors and lives 30 minutes from me, so any emergency or trip takes a minimum of an hour just travel time. I’ve begged her to move into independent or assisted living- there’s a place 5 minutes from me - very nice but pricey- and she knows the community, but she refuses. She tells me not to worry. I’m her POA and health care proxy. She has responded to fraudulent emails closing her online banking, canceled appointments with a geriatric doctor (to assess memory) and canceled recurrent autopay’s- thinking they were scams. She could not pull together any of her financial papers for her taxes. All this is new. Also, she was never kind to me during my marriage. I don’t have the stamina or energy to wait on her hand and foot. She says she does not want to be a burden to me, and I should just live my life, but I can’t. I must organize her care. She refuses to get a life alert, stair lift or first floor laundry- too expensive. She has $2 million in the bank and generates monthly income from her annuities, pension, and social security. She monitors her accounts online daily. I am not in her will. The next appointment I could get with a geriatrics doctor is two months away. I want to tell her to move near me or get another POA. I’d like to install age in place items and get regular caregivers who can take her to appointments, shopping etc. and I can do the big appointments like heart doctors and primary care. Otherwise, I’m going to spend my golden years aiding her- and I already took care of three other old people plus my husband who died of cancer in 8 months at 64 and I’m done. I’d like some advice please.
seeing your update with further information.
A number of us on this thread, including me, feel that spending time with your children, and helping them with the grandchildren is a worthwhile use of your time, much more worthwhile then spending time trying to manage an elder just because they want to stay in the house.
So even more strongly , I would say to get her into an assisted living. If the daughters question it, then make it known that this will allow you to travel more, spend more time with them, AND help them with their kids! But, keep in mind you should not become into servitude into helping with the grandkids either! Go for a while, stay with them for the time you want, help with the kids a bit. Then leave, and live your life too, do some traveling etc!
Keep your PoA for now. Next time she falls, call 911. Once at the ER tell them she is an unsafe discharge and that you're working on a facility placement where she goes directly. Depending on her type of fall, she may go to a rehab first, which will buy you some time. She won't like not going home but you tell her it's temporary until she can do her ADLs for her PA. Have your PoA paperwork with you at all times. Hopefully at some point you can get a doc to give her a cognitive test in the facility.
If you take this route you will still have to work out who will manager her care once you leave. She can have a court-appointed guardian if you talk to a social worker about your situation and resign your PoA, if that's what you ultimately decide.
FYI she doesn't need to see a geriatric doc for a memory assessment. You may even be able to do a video appointment. I just had my first Medicare (free) annual wellness check and they automatically did a memory test on me. It was done by an OD that just happened to be taking new patients.
As said, if she ends up in the hospital again, Rehab even better, you tell the Social Worker/discharge person and the doctor treating her, that to send her home would be unsafe. That you suspect Dementia. As her Ex-DIL you are her POA but you will not care for her. She has the money for AL or MC she just will not go. You are willing to set up an AL for her but the doctor needs to tell her she can't go home. I said Rehab is better because they cannot release someone unsafely.
Also, if the hospital still wants to discharge her, or even rehab, do not pick her up. As soon as you walk thru those doors, she is your responsibility.
I would call APS (adult protection services) and ask if they could evaluate your MIL. Explain what u have said here. Maybe their eval will say she needs 24/7 care and they will help you get her placed. Once I got her all settled, I would then see her lawyer and have your POA revoked. He can find someone else to handle her finances. With her money, he could file for guardianship and handle it.
Did you OK being her POA or did she just assign you. Was your husband primary and you sècondary so after his death u took over. The one thing I think should change when it comes to POAs is that the person who is assigned need to sign they except the position. Too many people find out after the fact and don't want it and don't realize they do not need to except it. I so hope she did not make u Executor. You can turn that down. Someone else can file to be her Administrator. I would never have become POA for my MIL.
She has already had a good number of years at home up to age 97! She has done her aging in place! Now it is just not sustainable any more.
So as others have said, I think this is a must, and you must tell her she must move to an AL.
As far as dropping POA, you could leverage that for now as a threat - if you want to take this approach. YOu could tell her that if she cooperates, including moving to assisted living, and then cooperating with things where there, so that your load becomes completely reasonable, then you will be glad to provide the help that you can, and stay POA... If she does not cooperate, then you are dropping POA and washing your hands fully of any help.
YOu mention "getting another POA". Does she have other family members on her side who may take it on? If you drop your POA, she can go to her attorney and appoint a different POA. However the attorney must find her competent to make this decision. If the attorney does not find her competent , then it goes to the courts. The court would either appoint a court appointed guardian, or another family member could petition to be guardian.
Here’s some tough words for you: You’re just a teensy bit older than me.
How many GOOD years do you and I have left? 15 or so? How are you going to live them?
Resolve today to make a 90 Day to OUT plan.
Tell her that she will be moving to AL in 90 days. She doesn’t have to like it, but that’s the way it will be.
Arrange a timeline for yourself and her to visit 3 AL. Arrange for a move-in date, and the finalizing of paperwork with the facility. If she refuses, explain that you will be DONE caring for her in 90 days.
You are ENTITLED to a life, as well.
I would suggest ALF for your MIL. I would offer to help her find care and placement where most of her needs can be met. I would reassure her that I recognize that this is life changing for her, and that she will not be happy about your choices and your limitations, but that they are facts and will not change.
Be ready for anger, tears, accusations. When we assume care for others THEY assume that we wish to do so and they come to EXPECT it. YOU are the one now breaking a contract of sorts. You will have to be honest, assume the blame but let your MIL know you are now claiming your own life.
I tell people over and over again that there is honestly NO ANSWER here but honesty. It is hard, I know. But you must do it to save your own life. You will get NO THANKS for throwing your own life on the funeral pyre of your MIL. None whatsoever.
So she won't do this and she won't do that, but she, the person in need, should be the one who bends her life to accommodate her condition. Not you.
You don't want her to move near you. That compounds the problem! She'd be calling on you all the time. So the best thing for her would be memory care somewhere, ordered by her doctor. And you "just can't do anything about that - doctor has spoken!"
Communicate with her doctor and say exactly what you've told us. Maybe doctor can get her to a geriatric specialist sooner. That being said, why? It's clear that she has dementia from what she does. Classic case. You have to make it clear to her doctors that MIL can't live with you or nearby because you can't take care of her anymore. She needs professional care now (truth!).
As for aging in place, that's a horrible idea. You will still need to manage it, and so many things can go wrong that you'll be frustrated and overworked just as you are now. Aging in place is something that a masochist must have designed. It inconveniences or holds the family caregiver hostage. All responsibility for getting the elder to doctors, dentists, social events, staffing, shopping, entertainment, and so on becomes the family caregiver's responsibility even though you think you'll have help. I've done it, so I know, and I wouldn't wish that can of worms on anyone. It's exhausting. MIL needs to be in a facility. Period.
I wish you luck in finding what you both need, but please protect yourself from an even worse situation.
she is actually giving you an "out" by saying to you that you should live your life and she does not want to be a burden to you.
If you are her POA rescind the POA.
Next time she goes to the hospital you say the following...
"Sadie is not safe living alone. I can not care for her, I am not responsible for her care" If she is admitted to the hospital make sure you talk to a Social Worker and inform them that there is no one that can SAFELY care for her and that you are not responsible for her"
Tell "Sadie" that she is going to have to arrange her own help, that you can help a bit (IF you want) and when it is convenient for you.