Caring for my 105 year old mother, I wonder if either of us needs to be doing this.

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Caring for my 105 year old mother, I wonder if either of us needs to be doing this.

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I am 74 years old and I care for my mother who is 105 years old. I have a live-in assistant who is a certified nurse assistant. She has adopted me as an aunt. She is in the process of renewing her credential. She has been in this profession for nearly 40 years. She is very knowledgeable about her field and has taught me a great deal. I am currently unemployed as a result of COVID. I had taught at a community college but our department was shut down and has opened on a limited basis. Many of us were unable to be called back to work.

Even though my adopted niece has taught me a lot, I sometimes fall short in the areas of hygiene, lifting, toileting; and food preparation. This is her passion and she cannot understand why I just can’t remember it all. Mother’s mobility is limited and I’m really afraid of moving her around. My niece had hip surgery a year ago and back surgery 3 months ago, but she still does a lot to take care of Mother with help from me. I wonder if either of us needs to be doing this. Any suggestions?

Family Caregiver Home Care

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Aggie, you won’t lose the house since you have been your mother’s caregiver & living there with her for at least 2 years..Maybe your “adopted niece” is planning to take this benefit that should belong to you away from you & have it for herself? See an Elder Law Attorney ASAP. Hugs 🤗

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I have made inquiries at several levels about the reverse mortgage. The answer I get consistently from lenders and lawyers is that I have 30 days to decide to keep the house or turn it over to the lender. If I decide to keep it I have 6 months to get funding to pay off them mortgage. If I had been a co-borrower or had my name on the deed, it would not be an issue. My daughter and her husband are interested in paying it off so that I can keep it and I can make payments to them. She’s a real estate agent. Either way the mortgage will have to be paid. If the bank forecloses it can be bought for the tax value. I have already applied for senior living residence and gotten me name on the list. In any event niece will not get the house under any circumstances!

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I think you are too trusting of “adopted niece.” Her sole job is to take care of your mother. You , at 74, should not ever lift one finger to help. You have 3 choices…hire someone in addition to her, hire someone new instead of her, or place mom in facility. Mother should not risk showering & should just get bed baths. Since your mother needs 24/7 care, I recommend placing her in facility. The Aide needs an Aide herself. Obviously, your mother is your life..& then you can go visit her. School had opened up in person or teaching remote. You can get a job if you want one. Good luck & hugs 🤗

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Niece gives her showers twice a week and does all the house work and cleaning.

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Thanks for your reply. Niece still does a good job and wears a back brace when necessary. She has also worked in the restaurant industry and knows a lot about healthy food preparation. (I’m a McDonalds lover!). She has taught me a lot about food prep. Mom’s food is puréed since she has lost some teeth. She has extensive nursing home experience as well. Shes’s extremely cautious about cleanliness and keeps the house GERM FREE - plenty of antibacterial products and we use gloves. I’m considering outside help but I would have to make sure we could pay for it. I have serious trust issues about outsiders coming into the home. I’m still hoping to be reemployed in the fall when schools seem to go back to “normal.” Niece gives mother her showers - I’m not brave enough to try that! Respond as you see fit. Thanks!

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Joanne touched on many of the things that I was reluctant to bring up. This caregiver has wormed herself into your heart - maybe deservedly so - and that has totally changed the employer/employee dynamics. Bottom line is that she has no business chiding you or questioning your competence, it's YOUR mother and YOUR place and only YOU have the ultimate say in everything.

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At 65, I cannot believe how much I have slowed down and how much of my strength was sapped by cancer, never to return.

At 74--you're a different 'animal'. It IS kind of old to start a new career, and if you find it too daunting, goodness, nobody would bat an eye if you said "I can't do this!".

I will be caring for my DH until he dies. That's going to be hard enough. I wouldn't go back to my 'career' as a Caregiver. It was physically and emotionally draining, but I did a darn good job. I could NOT do that now.

It's OK to accept our aging, in fact, it's best if we do and adapt to the new normals that keep popping up in our lives.

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I do not understand your living arrangements. Is this CNA an employee? If so, she is not capable of doing the duties she is required to do. I had a hard time at 65 doing the physical part of caregiving let alone at 72. Believe me, that 7 years has made a big difference in my back. So at 74, not that your old, but you probably have some limitations too.

Your "niece" can no longer do her job. And now you have a problem. You need someone who can do the job and you have made this person feel like she is family and its going to be hard to let her go. Which u probably should have done with the hip replacement and especially now with a back operation. I bet you have no contract in place saying if she can no longer do her job that her employment would be terminated. You need more help than this woman can give. Actually, her CNA days are over. Both my GF and her sister retired as CNAs at the age of 60 because of their backs. You are doing this woman's job. If you go back to work, she cannot perform the job you hired her for.

In my opinion, when this woman had her hip replacement done she should have resigned her position. Should have definitely resigned when she had back surgery. She can no longer do the duties of a CNA. And she knew what she was doing when she said you were like an Aunt to her. She was priming you. Its hard to let someone go when you look at them as family. She is an Employee. An employee whose job is done when your Mom passes. Then what is going to happen? Will she leave nicely. I doubt it. If you have no contract in place where it says she is a live in and as such her employment ends at the time Mom passes, then you may have a problem getting her to leave your house. It would mean eviction.

This bothered me "I sometimes fall short in the areas of hygiene, lifting, toileting; and food preparation. This is her passion and she cannot understand why I just can’t remember it". This also does not sound like an employee/employer situation. What you listed are mainly things she should be doing not expecting and employer to "get right".

If this situation works for you, so be it. But it sounds to me you are taking care of the "niece". This is the problem with live ins. They do become part of a family unit. But from day one it should be established that they ARE employees and as such can be let go at any time so they need a back up plan. That when their client passes or needs to be placed that their services will no longer be needed. Or that they can't perform their job. Does your "niece" have a back up plan. Does she have a place to go when her services are no longer needed?

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Thanks so much for your informative reply. My niece has been with me for six years. When she first came my husband was still living and she helped take care of him as well. He had COPD but was still able to get around and do most things for himself. Mother was also able to get around pretty well. I was working and my niece had a part time job as well. As time went on my husband and mother’s health declined. Niece had no trouble taking care of them and on occasion she took care of me if I was sick. She has also maintained the house in a germ free manner especially since Covid. I had the bath tub taken out several years ago so that my husband and my mother could safely shower. Niece gives mother showers. Mother has lost most of her teeth and niece processes her food. We have a hospital bed and wheelchair prescribed by doctor. Niece wears a back brace when doing strenuous work. She also does “night duty” checking on mother and changing her overnight just as in a nursing home. If mother predeceases us we will both need a backup plan because there is a reverse mortgage on the house and I can’t pay it off . She already knows this. I checked into costs for outside help and it would severely strain our budget. I pay her a small stipend and her lodging is part of her pay. She still does the work in spite of her surgeries. May not be the best arrangement but it’s a financial help to both of us. I’m still investigating outside help. Give feedback as you see fit. Thanks again.

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If your mother is 105 years old, I'm sure she would qualify for hospice at this point. They would send a nurse once a week to start, to check moms vitals and such, and aides to bathe her about twice a week, which would give you some help there. They would also supply any needed equipment, like hospital bed, bedside commode, oxygen concentrator(if needed), along with all supplies like diapers, bed pads, creams, etc., along with any medications needed as well, all covered 100% under moms Medicare.
That might be worthwhile looking into for sure, as you and your adopted niece don't need to hurting yourselves to care for your mom. Who will look after your mom if you should get hurt?
And of course there's always the option of placing mom in a facility where she will have much younger folks looking after her and giving her the 24/7 care she needs. You have to not only do what's best for your mom, but for you as well. I wish you the best in your caregiving journey.

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Thanks for your timely reply. I was under the impression that hospice was only for people who had been diagnosed as terminal. She is in fact OLD but has not been diagnosed as in failing health. She has a hospital bed, walker, bedside commode and wheelchair. I buy diapers and bed pads. She reads the newspaper every day and loves game shows and the news. I had the bathtub taken out a few years ago and a walk-in shower put in. Niece gives mother a shower. I don’t completely trust nursing homes and if she were to move to a facility I would lose the house because she has a reverse mortgage and has to live in the residence. Uprooting her would be very confusing. Respond as you see fit. Thanks

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I was 20 years younger than you and I often found the physical side of care challenging. If your "adopted niece" has been working 40 years she's no spring chicken either! People that work in a facility have the advantage of patient lifts and are younger workers that can team up if needed, they also have dietary staff who specialize in food prep (what are you having trouble with there?) - it's a bit much to expect a home caregiver to know all and do all. Perhaps it's time to look beyond the two of you for some supplemental assistance, a bath aide perhaps? And don't forget that no matter how close you have become to this CNA ultimately YOU are the one in charge.

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Caring for my 105 year old mother, I wonder if either of us needs to be doing this.

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