How do I continue to cope with caring for mother (89) who constantly complains and refuses to go into an assisted living?
I am 64 years old and having been living with her for seven years after my husband passed away and left me in debt. She doesn't drive but expects me to get her out at least three times a week even though she is on a walker and can barely stand for five minutes without having to sit down. She is able to do little things around the house but refuses to because she thinks she is the center of the universe and everyone, especially me should cater to her every whim. I have brought up the subject of an Assisted Living arrangement which would certainly give me my life back and mentioned she would have other people her age to talk to. Her answer to that was " The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!" How do you react to that??? I am so stressed, depressed, angry and cannot sleep through the night anymore because of her constant nagging the demands she puts on me.
My parents [who were in their 90's] had stopped driving but expected me to pick up where they had left off. No problem.... until I found out they liked getting out of the house 3 times a day. Kinda hard for me to do while I was working full-time, so that meant I had use to all of my vacations days, sick days, and days without pay. Eventually I had to tell them only Saturday afternoon, and only one grocery store, not 3 or 4 because one store had a sale on soup, another a sale on ice cream, etc.
Another thing happens, you once again become "the child" and your Mom "the parent" and what she says goes. They are in denial that you, yourself, are a senior citizen with your own age decline, aches and pains. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card in front of my parents didn't change their thinking.
My Mom also refused senior living as she felt she and Dad could still manage on their own... she died trying to prove herself right. Dad quickly moved into senior living and loves being there. The house was too much work for him.
Have Mom visit some of the Assisted Living places... I know, easier said then done... many offer free lunch and a tour, they understand how stubborn an elder can be, so the Staff will fuss over your Mom... and will fuss over her even after she moves in :)
If Mom says again "The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!", ask her what color would she like that bag :P
No is a complete sentence.
Angel
Angel
My mother fusses to high heaven if I don't jump and drive her to the store at the drop of a hat (and she can barely walk) She told me that my sibling - the GOOD child - would do it, so I relayed the message and let her go with the good child to get her makeup ( she buys new lipstick every other week - and then leaves the top off so it melts) The good child did not enjoy the trip, but seems to be able to placate her better than I can. When you only deal with someone about two hours a week, it's a lot easier to have patience. I mentioned that perhaps she should move in with them, and that was not acceptable. In other words, the good child would have a different lifestyle , than they are accustomed to, why not just let ME deal with all the crap. My wants and needs do not matter.
The only way to get her into assisted living is to walk out. My father has said the same thing about being 'carried out' of the house, even though it is killing me trying to simply maintain it. One of my aunts hated her son until her dying day because he put her into a nursing home. His marriage was on the rocks because of his mother. It's sad that you have to hit people over the head to get some common sense and courtesy out of them. Especially when they are related to you.
I have no answers as I wish she would realize how she is taking my last years away from me but I am encouraged to hear that I'm not the only one living with someone so self-obsessed. Good Luck to all of you, hopefully there is a special place in heaven for us all...
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