93 yr old Dad in Assisted Living has complained constantly of feeling worse than he has ever felt each day. Multiple hospitalizations, multiple Drs, thousands of dollars in testing in 3 different cities have found nothing that would cause him to experience that level of complaint. I want to change his narrative and possibly his thinking. Any suggestions on how to word a conversation to tell him that people now want to call him or stop by and visit because he’s so negative and complaining about everything. He used to be upbeat and a jokester. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to him.
People like this probably want a pity party. It works. But if you and everybody else stopped with the pity, he might stop asking for it.
Getting old is NOT for sissies for certain, everyday you do feel a bit crummy until you get going and ignore things.
I pray you find something to increase his quality of life and get visitors back for him.
My ex husband said everyday after work, it was the worst day of his life .
With age in the mix it's almost impossible to teach them new things.
I'm so sorry
That is not uncommon with someone with dementia, and all you can do is try and redirect after you acknowledge what he's said.
Dad..."I'm feeling really bad today." You..."Oh I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly today. Would you like to go get some ice cream?"
Or, Dad...."I just can't believe how bad I feel all the time." You..."I can't believe it either dad. Let's take a walk outside and see how many different birds we can see today."
And if you really just don't want to deal with his negativity anymore, then just keep your visits down to once a week and for no more than an hour or so.
If in fact he does have dementia, do know that things will only get worse.
Know you can't fix what's ailing dad, in any event. He may need antidepressants but other than that, let it all go in one ear and out the other. At his age, he can't expect to feel great and that's the truth. I would refuse to send him to the hospital unless his vitals are bad at this point.
Best of luck to you.
Firstly, your dad genuinely feels this way, whether there is a medical reason or not. So, don't invalidate his feelings. Acknowledge his feelings - "I understand it must be wearing to constantly experience that pain/sadness." But, don't dwell on it - move on and distract him.
If you try to reason his feelings away - perhaps, by pointing out that the doctor hasn't found anything wrong with him - you will only make him feel worse. Also, I wouldn't keep trying to fix him: you can't.
These approaches could make him feel that his experience is being trivialised. (Please note the conditional words I'm using. I don't know your dad's situation, and I'm speaking from my own experience which is, of course, different.)
There are some practical things that could help your dad feel better:
1. Make sure that he is prescribed antidepressants and monitor him to make sure they are working and he's on the correct dosage. Depression often results in feeling ill and experiencing pain. Also, any pain is heightened by depression. Recent studies have found that antidepressants can work better than opioids for chronic pain.
2. Help your dad to socialise. I know you said that people are avoiding him because of his negativity, but the more he mixes with others, the less he'll obsess over how he feels. It won't be easy if you're dad's on a complete downer, but persevere.
3. Try activities and other distraction techniques. Music can really lift people's moods. Getting out in nature is calming - is it possible for you to take him to sit in the park with a flask of hot drink and bread for the birds, or something similar?
4. Try to engage him in helping others. Perhaps, donating some items to the local food bank, or other charity that would mean something to your dad. Helping others is a good way to stop fixating on our own problems.
I'm not sure that straight talking would be beneficial at this point, as your dad is so far down the rabbit hole, that it's more like a black hole. But I don't know his character; it might be exactly what he needs.
Wishing you luck!
In all seriousness, acknowledge his discomfort and change the subject, and if he won't move on then flat out tell him you sympathize but are tired of hearing it.
And perhaps an antidepressant would be helpful