He has a tantrum when I try to assert how I want things. He rips items out of my hands saying he wants to do the task, asserting that he wants to earn his keep and stay useful. He has taken over taking care of my dogs, does all the grocery shopping (with my credit card), holds onto my set of keys for my apartment (it's not possible to make more copies of the keys; it's part of my rental agreement) and so I have to buzz to get into my own home. He moves all the cleaning supplies, rearranges my cabinets and linen closet, insists on doing ALL the laundry, the dishes, etc. I effectively stay in my room all day, cajoled into submission -- he makes it clear that he NEEDS to stay active in order to live longer. My life is not my own. I feel just like I did when I was a little kid. My parents would just leave me in my room all day when I wasn't at school. Please help. The only way I can stand up for myself leads to him throwing a tantrum and calling me ungrateful and showing me how hurt his feelings are that I don't just love sitting on my bum all day. What's happening here and what can I do to effectively take my home back without rejecting my dad?
Your brother's not just a deadbeat, he's a dangerous person. And CM, I assume that his brother is just FINE living the way he is. Some people are truly happy being this way, and believe that we (the employed, bill-paying, child-supporting, home-maintaining people) are the real fools.
If you do leave, which isn't a bad idea in my humble opinion, let APS know about the situation.
What does he have to say for himself? He can't be truly happy with the way things are, either, because his life must look pretty hopeless even to himself. Can you talk to him sympathetically about trying to find some way to move forward?
So dad says he thinks he needs to get home by the end of Feb and I'm pretty sure after I have a chance to talk with my hubby, we can figure out a way to subsidize him on that first leg of him gaining his independence. In the meantime, I'll help him find a financial counselor from the phone directory in the senior community he wants to move to, get him on Skype to have a couple preliminary conversations and hopefully point him in the right direction (freedom from my stupid brother!). That's a start. More suggestions are welcome! And thanks everyone!
Tip for your father: I spent a month on a farm in Burgundy when I was 10. Came home still speaking English only with a beautiful French accent - not quite what my mother had in mind when she sent me, but it seemed to make it easier to be understood!
Do you have EU citizenship yourself? Would that kind of move potentially help with your father's healthcare? Don't envy you all that bureaucracy, though, ouch.
I can understand that your father wouldn't enjoy confronting your brother, but to cancel the limited Power of Attorney he won't have to confront him, just notify him. There's a happy thought.
You watch those ladies at the market, mind they keep off him. Grrrrr.
And funny you should bring up the idea that I might have some of my mom in me and that I should turn my back to the Dark Side of the Force (tee hee hee) -- I am A LOT like my mom, and it is just a shame that she couldn't/wouldn't use her strength of character to do good instead of using it to manipulate and torture those she "loved". I feel like my mom made a huge sacrifice by showing me the antithesis of who I want to be. She left no doubt in my mind that it would never be possible to cut corners or put myself first or think of empathy as a weakness or treat family like prey, etc. She ran that 'experiment' and so the data is in and it's a NO WAY for me and my kids and loved ones. My brother and sister never escaped the inertia of my mother's ENORMOUS personality and so they are still lost in the petty blaming and bickering that I ran from so long ago. I felt homeless most of my life, but looking back now, I'm actually grateful for the 'loneliness'. Why would I want to 'belong' to THAT? My poor dad though. He really is a bit of a melba toast next to the Force of Nature my mother was and so he didn't have the means to intervene and put her in her place. He couldn't save himself, so I don't hate him for not saving me. It's ok. I'm just glad I can sort of 'save' him now. And thank you for all this really good solid 'homework' to do with getting outside help from an accountant and so forth. It's exactly the tack I need to take and I need to stop focusing on how 'miserable' I am dealing with something that was thrust upon me. It's time I push my sleeves up and tell THEM how it's going to be... and offer my dad the shelter he deserves in order to get safe and secure in his own home. He isn't old and feeble yet and so it would be unkind to take his freedom from him too soon. I used to work as a Nursing Assistant doing home health work with the elderly and I KNOW what an "old" person looks like and my dad is NO old person yet. *sigh* I feel a whole lot better and my perspective is definitely shifting. Thank you so much.
What country are you in? I'm not making any silly assumptions about resources or facilities even if the "natives" don't speak English! - goodness me is there civilisation beyond..? ;), but it could make a difference to practicalities. Crumbs! You're not in Japan by any chance, are you? Or am I stereotyping again… Anyway, no, not if there no services. Russia… No, I must stop this. No more guesses, promises. Gosh now I'm wondering how embarrassingly wrong I've been.
I suppose one bright spot is that your brother can yell all he likes but you're definitely a safe distance from him. And your father too. He can't hurt either of you any more.
He also can't hurt an accountant. Time for an audit, perhaps, of your father's assets, who has title, what has been spent and where everything is. Your father has capacity, ergo he is the client, ergo an accountant needs only his permission to audit his affairs in full. And I can't see an accountant, no matter how outwardly mousey his or her personality, taking "it's all in my head" for an answer. If you don't know where to source one, see if your husband can ask a colleague to suggest a US contact; otherwise it's down to homework on the internet and searching for a good fit for your requirements.
Meanwhile, ensure that your father has not been strong-armed into setting up any kind of Power of Attorney. If you discover, yikes!, that he has, get it revoked NOW. The aim is to get all control of your father's assets out of your brother's reach, permanently. POA could go to you, but if your father is sufficiently well off it might be more appropriate to appoint a professional: he must get good advice, and choose carefully.
I assume your father has some kind of pension income, no? Strictly speaking, you shouldn't be paying all of his living expenses, and apart from proprieties it can't be doing his ego any good.
So, maybe step one, then, is to help your father get his money sorted out; then he'll feel more comfortable as an active, paying participant in further planning. Depending on where you are, it might be a good idea to schedule a fixed-term visit back to the States and treat this as a project to tie up as many straggly legal and financial ends as you can - don't necessarily expect to have everything sorted out, but break the back of it at least.
I love engineers. They make things work, and don't mess about with irrelevant nonsense. So if the end is "happy secure future for Dad" the rest is a matter of concentrating on the means to it, and any sibling involvement that doesn't contribute wants sweeping aside. Does he like the country you're in? Could he set his mind to learning the language?! - that could keep him out of your hair for a couple of hours a day!
Don't be afraid to be strong. No matter how you felt about her, you're not likely to have escaped your mother's genes entirely; so if you have got the odd personality trait of hers why not turn it round and use it to good effect? Let the occasional glimmer through and your father might even find it reassuring (but don't get carried away!).
My brother is a real loser, really. He has an ego from here to there... based on what achievements, I don't know... but my mother ran our family like Atilla the Hun and she put my brother on a pedestal. He could do no wrong and thus he became a tyrant. Anyway, he 'offered' to pay my dad's mortgage for him while there were some final details fixed on the house in order to sell it. Dad was living in the house while this was going on, but was not conferred with or informed every time some new thing was being fixed or updated on the property. Now understand, my father is to pay my brother back for all this so-called needed improvement. And if my dad asks for any invoices or receipts, my brother screams, "Don't you trust me??? I'm keeping a tally in my head and as your son that should be enough!!" My sister supports my brother. Mainly because she's afraid of him and also because my mother trained us all to obey her and by extension my brother. I literally did not hear my father's voice for 30 years until my mother's funeral. What a joy to hear him speak more than half a sentence without my mother screaming him into silence. Let's just say, I did not grieve my mother's death. But her influence did not die with her and my sister and dad are still in the grip of it. I was always the black sheep -- because I defied the lack of justice or kindness in my mother's home -- and left as fast as I could, marrying my first husband at age 19! Anyway, I have lived away from that awful birth family all these years, but all of them stayed in the same town together, being perpetually tortured. They more or less ignored me for all that time and scoffed at all my attempts to be part of the family while still not cow-towing to mom's nonsense. Fast forward a year after mom's death and I get the call that dad's in my brother's way and I will need to pick him up at the airport the next day. Wow. I was glad to do it, really. Get him the heck out of their clutches. But I'm feeling the strain of being completely alone with all of this and to top it off I live permanently in a foreign country (my husband's native country) where there are no services and even if there were, they wouldn't be offered in English. The internet is my only connection to the English-speaking world and modern interpersonal advice... the people here are very anal-retentive and pent up and there's lots of suicide and depression. Yikes. So your help is huge... thanks again.