My 98 year old father had a stroke (mild) and was in hospital and rehab for over a month. Prior to that, He was living alone with daily (sometimes twice a day) visits from me. I cooked, cleaned and he was quite happy with this arrangement. Again, being 98 years old he needs help showering, cooking, cleaning and is quite unsteady on his feet. This is now become more than I can take on. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home and opted for 24/7 care . He is soooo angry at me because his money is being spent down and then Title 19 will kick in. He has always been stubborn and no exaggeration the cheapest man alive (oh the stories I could tell) but I don’t see any other option. I told him I don’t want his money and I want him to enjoy a life and use the money for his care, but he refuses to see it that way. The caregiver told me he slams doors, refuses to take a shower and separates his food from her food! I still visit daily to check in and say hello and ask if he wants to take a ride, go for a bite to eat, but he refuses to talk to me other than yes or no answers. He’s trying so hard to prove he can still live alone and I feel badly, but finding him unconscious on the floor after his stroke was horrible and I can’t and won’t take the chance of that happening again.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?
I get daily reports from the caregiver and they are not positive. Friends tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices, but it’s difficult having him be so angry at me especially since I don’t know how many years he has left.
“Furthermore, I promise upon all that matters, like clean water and a healthy planet and shoes that fit, I faithfully promise that I’ll continue to wipe your bottom, clean up your dog’s poop, pretend I don’t mind if you vomit all over me ten times a day and can’t understand anything I say, such as I am exhausted and can’t put new batteries in the remote or haul you for a mammogram tomorrow when you no longer get mammograms because you’ve aged out. Yep (mom, dad or other), I will be your caregiver for the next 20 years until you’re 100 years old, sacrificing every pleasure I ever had in life and the right to sleep at night without your pitifully calling out for your parents, who have been dead for 40 years, and begging me to let you go home.
“And dang it, I love feeling guilty! It goes with the territory along with crying quietly in the shower if I get to take one, which sometimes I don’t because your demands are such that I have no time to myself. If only I could go to a nursing home with 24/7 care where I could rest. Because what if I mattered? What if I hadn’t made that promise? What if I had a hope of outliving you, since at the rate we’re going, I’ll join the 30% of caregivers who drop dead before the ones they’re caring for?”
The Promise. It’s not a Hallmark movie. And no one should ever make it.
I’m saving it.
At 98, he likely doesn't have "many years left" and you have no reason to feel guilt over anything. Most people don't get to live 98 years of life to begin with, so dad's way ahead of this game, still alive and living at home. He should count his blessings and you should stop visiting so often if all you get to see and hear is blustering!
He's safe, cared for and you don't even need to be in the picture if you don't want to.
With my mom, when she got 'in a mood' which happened now and then, I would simply say "I'm leaving and will come back when you are in better spirits". That always settled her down.
But I had the option of walking away for months and months, if I felt like it.
At 98, every day is a 'gift' so to speak. He doesn't HAVE years. It will feel like it, but when he's gone, you'll be surprised at the emotions that will bubble up.
You are doing and have done the best you can. Don't engage with him in 'fights'...and his CG can handle him as best she can--she can always quit, right? So she's probably used to this dynamic in elderly patients. (I'm using 'her' with the assumption that his CG is a woman. You don't say, so I am making a leap here).
Also, not being related to the stinker at hand makes it a lot easier to cope.
You have done NOTHING over which you should feel guilt!! Pre-grief is probably more like it. You won't likely be able to 'mend' your relationship with your dad. That makes us sad and we feel that way until we work through that grief.
Nice that dad wants his elderly child to do everything for him with no consideration about your physical limitations or health issues. The epitome of selfish.
His money will stretch further in a facility which us where he will wind up once the money for 24/7 caregivers runs out.
Your local Agency for Aging can help with placement , or if he ends up in the hospital ask to speak to a social worker about placement in a nursing home if he has no caregivers willing to work for him . Don’t let the social worker tell you that you have to take him home. You tell the social worker that it’s an unsafe discharge , there is no one to care for him .
Tell him that the options are:
He get along with having a caregiver
He moves into Assisted Living.
AL is NOT a Skilled Nursing facility ( AKA "nursing home" )
You can not make promises that you "never put him in a "nursing home" . You have no idea what the future holds and if a Skilled Nursing facility would be where he would get the best care why would you deny him that? If Assisted Living would provide better care, more activity, more socialization why would you not entertain that idea?
Has your dad been evaluated for depression?
Strokes often cause cognitive changes and mood swings. Getting him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist would be your next positive step.
Continue to go like you do. Chat. If no responses, be cheery and say something like, I wish you felt more like talking today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow.
Give him some time to get used to having someone in his business all day long. It's really hard to have someone around you all the time when you were used to hours of total quiet time. Give him time.
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