How do I deal with my angry sisters who are the caregivers to my dying Mom?

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How do I deal with my angry sisters who are the caregivers to my dying Mom?

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I am the "absent" caregiver - I live 600 miles away from my mom who is dying of cancer (liver, pancreas, colon, intestinal) and only has, at best, a few weeks left. My three siblings are her caregivers because they all live within 100 miles of mom and can split the time amongst themselves and their children. I am a single working mother solely responsible for my son's financial well-being, have my own business (so I can't just take paid vacation time), and I am struggling financially. My car needs major repair to top it off. Recently, My fiancée, son and I went to visit my mom for a few days. When I walked in, mom made me cry because she said, "Oh, oh. . . .it smells like Lynn is here." I have a very special distinct perfume and she smelled it as soon as I walked into the door. We had such a sweet visit, but about four hours into it, my mom asked me to leave because she was afraid my one sister was "about to lose it" and she also told me that she didn't want me calling her regularly from now on because every time she hangs up after I call, there is "drama and commotion". I apologized for the pain that caused her and I left her with a hankie covered in my perfume so she would always know I was with her. I was so afraid that my sisters would wash it as soon as mom fell asleep so she would not have it any longer.

I know there is A LOT of anger and resentment from all three of my siblings toward me - they are NOT quiet about it with other family members and it all comes around to me eventually, even through my other three adult children. I have tried to get my siblings to talk to me about what is happening so that I can explain my circumstances, but all they do is yell at me about how I am unloving, selfish, and hateful because I won't drop everything and move in with mom and take care of her for them.

You see, up until a few years ago, I was married (to an abusive husband), a stay at home mom who DID jump whenever mom needed help or whenever they demanded I run. I WOULD drive 600 miles to do whatever was needed - in fact I was going almost every other month to mom's. I also had better finances and was able to pay mom's bills when she forgot to pay them. We even went shopping a number of times for food because she was low on money and food. They are all used to me being able to just drop everything at their every demand. I cannot do that any more due to my circumstances.

I am going through my own mourning and struggle right now, and not just because of my mom's illness and impending death - I can't call my mom without running the risk of being hung up on, I can't talk to my mom whenever I want because whomever is there will cause trouble after we hang up and then mom doesn't want to talk next time I call. I am hurting so much inside because the only connection I have is by phone and they are taking that from me. I am the only spiritual one in the family and mom USUALLY likes to talk to me about God because I am the only one who understands her needs in this area.

I will confess, I have not been a perfect angel and have gotten very angry on several occasions and let some of them have it because of what they say and do. It has not helped - and in fact only served to make me appear more selfish and "unstable", according to one sibling.

Noone seems to see how I feel - my mom won't be here for my son's in a couple years, she won't be here for my wedding next year, or to see how successful my business is becoming. I won't be able to take her to Hungary or Italy like we dreamed. I am so torn and hurting inside and my siblings only seem to want to strike out and hurt me more.

Soon I know they will start asking about her funeral - at this point I have decided that I do not wish to go. My fiancée has said we should have a special memorial service here, at our home and at one of the places mom used to love to visit. He said that might be better emotionally. Even my son does not want to go - he said he got to say goodbye when we visited and that is enough. If I go to the funeral, even to try to be there for my adult daughters and my granddaughter, it is going to be a mess!!! I will get flipped off by at least one niece, I will get accosted by at least two sisters, and my other relatives will certainly not want me there. I wish I could do more - financially and physically for my mom, but the best I can do is be here for her spiritually. She says I love you each time I call, she says she misses me so very much and wishes I were there, but she also says she understands and to take care of my son for her. She even apologized for not meeting my fiancée sooner and for not being able to come to give me away next year.

Please feel free to ask any questions or play devil's advocate. I don't mind - I am just so lost and confused at this point. ANy ideas???

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LynnJG: This is a simply ploy in relation to your efforts to speak with your Mother. It might not be earth shattering but it might work to point that you and your Mother could enjoy a normal loving talk. Once again I have to say that your sisters' (You are sure these beasts are family, right?) relentless pursuit of their crazy agenda to keep your Mother and you apart is jus downright baffling to me. I mean, most nasty and hurtful family members also have it in them to bend a little or to back down or slip up; there's always the one who ultimately weakens, starts to shows signs of possessing second thoughts, of being a human being. But this "sisters act" wants you to know they'll stand in your way, being cruel to you and your Mother until the very end, 'til the proverbial hell freezes over.

You should try to call your Mother and do it so that no one will ever know who called or from what phone number or area code in the country. (Maybe your fiancee told you this already). Just dial *67 (asterisk 6, 7) and then your Mother's phone number (*67, followed by the area code and phone
number). It'll display as "unknown." If you call and the caregiver picks up, you just hang up. You keep calling until your Mother picks up. Of course, this won't work if your evil sisters simply control the phone to the extent that your Mother won't ever pick up. But it's my understanding they are not with your Mother 24/7. So why don't you give it a try. And good luck to you.

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Just a quick update because I won't be back on here again - July17 or 18 I had it out with all three of my siblings - everyone of them. Two out of three listened to what I had to say, and even saw my points that I had made with them. I told them that instead of building such hatred and bitterness, they should be grateful that they are there, that they CAN be there with mom, and they should treasure every single moment. In addition, I apologized for anything that may have hurt them. I also told them that I WILL CALL every time I WANT to and I expect to be able to talk with my mom because she is MY MOM TOO. It worked, for the most part. To my ear and while I was on the phone with mom, I did not hear any more grumbling in the background and I was finally allowed to have some quiet private time with my mom.

On July 23, we had the most wonderful conversation where we laughed and joked about all kinds of things together. And when she said goodbye I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I called the 24th and she had just been put on morphine - she was unable to speak. On Friday July 25th, I got a call from the non-cooperative sibling that they had left work and were on the way to mom's because my eldest sister had called and said mom did not have long - her breathing was very shallow. SHE had gotten the call over an hour earlier. I had not been called by anyone til that point. When I got off the phone, I called my mom's house and reached my eldest sister who said, "Oh, I wasn't going to call you - I figured you were supposed to call later today anyway, so I was just going to wait. Yes, mom's breathing is shallow (note the owrd "is"), I don't think it will be long now." I asked to have her hold the phone next to mom's ear for just a moment. . . .you will NOT believe what happened next. "Oh, um, listen, Lynn. . . . Mom's gone." I asked, "WHAT??! You just said her breathing IS shallow??" She said, Yeah, well mom died about an hour ago. I am just waiting for Hospice to arrive. They will make things official." I just stood there in my kitchen totally stunned - no one thought to call me when it all started to play out and no one called when she passed, and no one planned to call me either. She said so, and she was one of the sisters who allegedly felt we should move on and work together. . . .

For anyone wondering, NO, I did not go to the memorial, and I am glad that I did not. It was not the best place for me to be. My fiancé and I took a drive to Mom's favorite beach, looked for sea glass, ate dinner together and watched the sunset. This week we are going to take my son for our own memorial to Gramma. Do I have regrets? Only that we never got to go shopping at her favorite art store one more time, that we never got to walk the beach together one more time, my regrets are filled with "One more times. . . . " Diamond RIo has a country song, "One more day." That song sums up my only regrets. May god bless and keep you all in your journey through this painful time in your life. My prayers are with you all. . . . walking away now. . . . .Kindly, Lynn

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Lynn, I'm so sorry. As I read your words, like you, I really thought that 2 of your sisters finally were amenable to you. I still can't believe that at least the oldest one didn't call you so that you can say your final goodbye. That is so unforgivable. You take care. {{{HUGS}}}

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Wanting to hug you and tell you that you have done more than anyone I know to comfort your Mom, and step above mentally ill dysfunctional family, whom you have the misfortune of being geographically separated. Love transcends that, I must believe. My mother, in her grave, seems to say to me, "What? --You're saying [another perceived as better than me] has a star in her crown?" While [heavily puffing on beloved ciggie but bitingly insightful which has also been punned inciteful.] You gave your Mom the Sweet, that for me might happen a handful of times in a lifetime. The Sweet that we all shall pray 90 years for. Ancestry.com fails to include the psychological dimension, which is why people pay them anyway. Your Mom stood by you failsafe, no doubt about that. And please be assured you did not fail her in any way. My guess from afar is that your Mom thought about family dynamics without a word to anyone, because "don't want to burden anyone." You have some heritage threads in your life and biology. Your sisters have hopped on some "Ment-A-Tion wagon [they, dears struggling with where they are, can't help it because they dare not open the gates]. Maybe if they were 5 or 10, they should be commended. That is a testament to your Mom, they are still trying to please her by the simple rules of a child without life's complications. But as adults, they are not where you are, yet I suspect are soothing each other for their trauma, and you are not allowed to be traumatized because you "fled the scene." Sure, they did right by your Mom by allowing Morphine (I honestly believe that). But they have the rest of their lives to come to terms with "Mom vs. Bad Sis." I'm not sure they can make it, but you are showing them example. You are taking a higher road. You are trying to live and breath and put forth what your dear mother taught all of you. Their and Your world has been shaken, and like anyone who survives a tsunami or cancer death of a loved one -- they and you were in trauma. Like witnesses to a horrific event, they got to cling together, while you were "the bad one." Read about "Identified Patient." That is you. See
narcissistschild.blogspot/2014/05/the-identified-patient.html
for an introduction.
But in 2014, the Identified Patient has less a definition than in the pre-medical-insurance-reimbursement world. Yet if your read this article, you probably will recognize .... something. How does that "something" compare to Ferguson or the dear good young men coming back from the Middle East? There is no comparison because it its now a DIFFERENT CULTURE. How do you derive health and strength from the path you took vs. the path they took? You have already taken the step: Recognition that your own life and family are of utmost value and contemporary to your circumstance. That your mother would have done no different, and would have wished no different in her place. You may have to bear the banner of family dysfunction for the rest of your life, but you By God have a vision and that vision is what any parent should hope to ignite (and it was so very conventional that you bleed here on agingcare.com rather than let go of your sensibilities). You are not an outsider, to your Mother or to Us. You are the best of Us. Your Mom knew it, and we all see it. I've been lurking unable to write for 2 months but your email reignited my life. Thank you so much for sharing, it has meant a lot to me, given me a little dignity for the geographic changes I took, and the commitments I made. Your husband is lucky guy!

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Thank God you got that chance to talk...just in case you look back here just one more time. I think you made a very fitting memorial to your mom and that's the way it was with my dad - I did not get to move him here and he passed while I was driving from Little Rock to Pgh - but we'd said all the important I love yous and I'm proud of yous in advance. I have more sorrow and regret over my mom, whose actual passing I was there for. I wish you a peaceful time and much healing, however long it takes.

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How do I deal with my angry sisters who are the caregivers to my dying Mom?

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