How to deal with power hungry mother-in-law?

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How to deal with power hungry mother-in-law?

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Maybe she's really just done with the financial worries of it, and has no problem letting you take over those....but, if you are struggling to simply repair (and replace with the exact same items, basically) you are going to have problems all along the way. If you are willing to compromise a lot, then you probably can have a fairly peaceful household. I wish you all the luck in the world! Still not knowing the conditions under which you bought the house, I feel like most of us don't know what to say to you.

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Burt, this never worked for me because my mother was, always, oblivious to anything to do with home or garden décor - all she knew was that she didn't want anything moved, changed or thrown away. Ever. Broken, useless, dangerous, ugly or not.

But it might work for you, so here goes: what I attempted to do on a few occasions was interest her in magazines and brochures - what I was hoping (what was I thinking?) was that she'd stumble across at least one picture and not be able to stop herself saying 'oh that's nice' - just any little clue as to what she found aesthetically pleasing would have been a help.

My God. I've just remembered the rigmarole we had painting her bedroom. I ended up taking a rose she'd admired to the paint shop to try to match it. Dunno why we didn't just paint her walls standard magnolia and have done with it, rhubarb rhubarb mutter grumble…

Just one thing, though - make absolutely sure when you're ripping things out or chucking them away that you let not a single word escape you to the effect of "good riddance" or "thank heaven that's gone." It'll be fuel to the flames. Sending things to a good home can sometimes be grudgingly accepted, though. Good luck, hope there's a happy compromise in the end.

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I guess my frustration comes from the fact that she herself said "im done with the house. I want to be stress free, and am tired of making decisions. do what you want with it." then all of a sudden, well, its obvious since I am posting here. Just feels like we were taken advantage of, that's all I'm saying. There were no stipulations or rules. Its not like we are trying to make the house ugly. My wife has good taste and would decorate the the house amazingly. We just want a nice home for the 3 of us to lives in. I would never think of putting her in a home, We are a Latino family and would be seriously shunned by the rest of the family if we did. Besides that, I just wouldn't do it period. But a lot of you have given some good advice and it truly is appreciated. There isn't just cosmetic work that has to take place, but also home improvements which we are currently working on. I guess thats part of my frustration as well. Putting in countless hours on home repairs, and we still get no say in the house. Once again, thank you all for you're advise.

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But can you redecorate, Send? Or is the new owner stuck with the centrefolds, too..?

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Hugh Hefner has a mansion for sale-over-priced The Playboy Mansion, comes with him in it! Forever.

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I think that Realtime brings up a big issue-- the difference between you buying the house outright at a fair market value (which was what we would have done) and just "taking over the existing mortgage"--huge difference. If it's the latter, then she still has equity (and a say) in the house and its decorating. If you bought it at fair market price, it's yours to do with as you see fit. You don't make this clear, so it's kind of hard to know where to land on this, advice wise. Also, if she is only 70, and is planning to live with you forever (?) then that also makes a difference. 70 is not very old, these days. If she's "power hungry" now--in my experience, people just get "more" the same as they age. My sweet grandmothers got sweeter, My angry mother got angrier. Just saying.

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I think this is a case for compromise and making small changes at a time.

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I gather that you didn't actually buy the home from her -- you took over mortgage payments and expenses, in return for her transferring it to your name. If that's the case, you got a good deal --- whatever equity had been built up in the home, plus ownership with no down payment or closing costs. How many years remain on the mortgage? How many years did she/she and her husband pay on the mortgage? Unless you bought her out with cash, I think you need to cut her some slack on the decorating and furnishing. Maybe a bunch of slack.

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Midkid58 - it definitely does feel as if she won in this deal. Like you said, no more money worries for her, and the two of us to take care of her. We will have to be gentle about this.
Guestshopadmin- our names are on everything. All the paperwork is in our name now.
Nydaughterinlaw/rainmom- I can see where both of you are coming from. I talked to my wife yesterday and we decide to start including her with the little decisions. For example, the tile flooring in the living room has bubbled up and a lot of it is now cracked. She wants us to find similar tiles, but the current ones are very 80's and we have not found anything similar. So we decide to install nice hardwood flooring. We're gonna bring home samples, and ask which one she likes best. But we're only bringing home samples that we like, so regardless of which one she picks, it will work out our way. I think we're gonna have make her think that she still has control. Thank you both very much for the advise. Now the kitchen is a different story.

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Lol- I meant path of least resistance but Psyh will work just as well!

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NYDaughter - I'm just suggesting the Psyh of least resistance in an effort to keep the peace. I can't imagine living with an angry, resentful, insecure MIL would be much fun. I truely think after a bit she'll adjust and settle down. In letting her help with some small decisions I didn't mean to turn over control. It's kinda like dealing with a five yr old. "Do you want to walk to your bedroom tonight or would you like a piggy back ride"? Either way they're going to bed.

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And you may be paying mortgage and bills but are you actually on the deed? What if she never transferred and ends up on Medicaid? The state does not recognize verbal agreements about real estate. Just sayin.......

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In my opinion including your MIL in the redecorating decisions is only going to reinforce MIL's controlling behavior. If my husband were to ask his mother whether we should get a couch in green or beige I think I'd look at him like he had grown another head. You are married to your wife and there's no room for another woman. And it sounds to me like you have plenty to declutter before you can even contemplate your own decor.

I think you're putting the cart (decorating) before the horse (decluttering) and I've been down that road with my inlaws when we moved them into independent living. Everything had a memory...they wanted all their stuff...they freaked out when I recycled magazines from 10 years ago that were still in the plastic wrap. Would you like to guess how many soy sauce packets I found in their kitchen drawers? But we had to push through and get them ready to move because they could no longer live alone. So to echo Countrymouse - what are you and your wife going to do about MIL's future care?

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Oh, my.
My parents offered to sell us the "family home" many years ago. The home my daddy built and I did want it. HOWEVER, one enormous stipulation: I was not going to be allowed to make ANY changes. Seriously? We could have had a house twice the size of our current one (and with 5 kids, that would have been great!) but I wasn't allowed to PAINT? Change the nasty 30 yo carpet? We declined. I wasn't ready for the drama.
You may have gotten a great house at a great price, but you are paying a great price. You are really going to have to tiptoe around this. Esp if Mom is still living there. I imagine, in her eyes, she now has it both ways: Her lovely home, decorated in her style and no "money worries" AND two young, healthy people to take care of her. Perfect. I think some people have given you great advice and I wish you good luck.

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Rainmom/ everyone else : thanks for all the advice. Good idea, rainmom. Maybe including her in the process is the way to go to make her feel included. The thing is, the house is not a work of art. It's actually quite cluttered. I could see if she put in countless hours making the house the image of what she pictured, but it isn't. It's cluttered inside the house. The garage is cluttered. There much more detail to this story that would take pages to cover. Thank you for the advice though. We will do our best to be gentle about the changes, as well as include her in the process. Thank you all for you're time. It's truly appreciated.

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I bought my first house when I was 27 yrs old and single. I met my first husband, we lived there, had my son, divorced, struggled, met wonderful new husband, we lived there...I was in that house 20 years and one month. I took it from the worst in the neighborhood to one of the best. It took 20 years but with the planting of the last shrub - wisteria along my white picket fench, my vision from my first day of an English county cottage was complete. Then I fell in love with a little house on a lake - new vision of a lakeside cottage - we sold and moved. Every time we were in the neighborhood we drove by the old house. First they cut down my beautiful ornamental Cherry - that bloomed the biggest pure white blossoms in the spring, then they tore out the brick planter that attached to the front poach where I had impatients every summer...you get the picture? Just last month they listed the house so I saw photos of how they changed the inside - I almost cried. As the saying goes "A house is not a house, a house is a home". I'm sure this is how your MIL must be feeling along with possibly acknowledging a huge part of her life is over - she is now an old lady in the home stretch. A double wammy, don't you think? I think you have to make the house yours but be gentle. Include MIL in your thought process for the changes, get her opinion by way of offering her choices that are acceptable to you. "Mom, we really like this couch for in the living room - do you think we should get it in green or in that goldish pasley pattern? Best of luck to you.

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And then again you haven't got to the point in life where you've devoted many decades to getting your home just how you like it, either.

Seriously, think ahead. Are you and your wife talking to each other (leave MIL for later!) about MIL's future care?

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I guess it was pretty naive of us. I mean you would think since we're the ones paying the mortgage now, that we'd get to put our touch on the house. Pretty frustrating to say the least. I mean I guess since my mentality is if I was in her position, I'd understand that by me not paying for the mortgage anymore, I'm relinquishing control over decor, etc. But then again I'm no a control hungry person.

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BurtM, you weren't ripped off, you were sucked in to her controlling ways. Many an old lady signs over her house with the secret and unmentioned premise that you have to keep everything the same, including wait on her hand and foot. If you have a child, she will run him too.

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Power hungry… thrives on having control…

The woman isn't happy seeing her home transformed before her very eyes. Did you expect her to like it?

Since you own it, you can sell it. Find alternative accommodation for MIL, and you and your wife move on. If you're already feeling like this after only a couple of years I really do recommend you do that anyway. Things are not going to get better.

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Thank you very much for all you're input, everyone! To answer sendme2help's question of what would my MIL say about me if she posted a question? She would say that I'm someone who has the upmost respect for her, have never talked back to her, never given her attitude, helps her with taking her to appointments, runs errands for her, and does all the home repair. Even when we weren't the "owners" yet, we were still helping with the bills, I'm no free loader. All of that and I still can't make touch a home that I "own." I get that she's having trouble letting go, but if this was gonna be the case, she should have never offered us the house, and told us we could do what we want with it.

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How to deal with power hungry mil? The same way as when you were living as a guest in her home, and the same way you have for the past two years when the title was put in your name, whether or not you paid her for it.
Paying all expenses does not change much, does it?
I am all for you having your own home. And, I am all for your Mil being paid for her home's equity. Just paying the mortgage doesn't make it yours, fully.
What is wrong with this picture, on so many levels?
If your Mil posted a question about you, what would it say?

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Hold on. So two years ago, MIL's options were a) to sell the house and buy somewhere more affordable or b) to sell the house to her daughter and you… on what understanding? That she would remain living there?

What was the general agreement when she sold you the house? And did you give her the real market price or was there any kind of family discount?

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Let your wife be the go-between you and mil.

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Stacey, not harsh at all, imop. But great after thoughts, too.
Burt, after living awhile with Mil, you may have already had a suspicion, however unconsciously, about your Mil's expectations and personality.
Start building a Mil add-on with it's own everything, and decorate with everything from her house. That is just one suggestion.
Was there also a switch to who gets what bedroom, such as the master suite?
O dear, a real power struggle is possible.
Keep posting, others will come along with more viable options over time.
However, I am trending towards agreement with Stacey, you can set her straight in a kind but right now sort of way.
Or, try sending her on a cruise, a gift. Then, when she returns, the entire house has been re-done, and as a continuing gift that just keeps on giving, you have re-done her room/or moved her into the NEW in-law suite, surprise, we saved up more than you thought for 'our' new home. We love you Mom!

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Definitely awkward but manageable. Are there any family heirlooms like antique pieces of furniture or bric-a-brac that you and your wife want to keep? If yes, then focus on those and make a big deal about them to your MIL. If no, then it's going to be harder because you're basically suggesting that you hate MIL's taste. But even then, you can find something to keep that doesn't clutter up the space.

Also, refinishing furniture is an option. For example, if you like the shape of a table but not the finish, paint it. Paint goes a long way toward updating a home and making it feel contemporary.

And move things around now even while it's still her stuff. Repositioning things can help the flow in a room go from stodgy to open. Hate her couch but it's comfortable? Get a sofa cover and some matching pillows and place it where you want it in the room.

Thrift stores are your friend! I have found so many great little things for my home and they are so cheap that it's a very low commitment and you won't have buyer's remorse. And remember to have fun decorating. It's your home too.

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This is an interesting thread. My mom and I have DRASTICALLY different decorating styles. She prefers Laura Ashley Roses and that style makes me gag. I have never hidden my tastes from her. The other day she was looking at her rose print sofa saying...when we die you can bring that to your house and get rid of the one you have. I looked at her and laughed and said...for what, out in the garden for the dogs? My brown microfiber dual recliner is so much nicer lol. She rolled her eyes. She thinks my taste will magically change to hers haha. Never gonna happen. I can't take over their place as they live in one of those old age condo things which will be sold per contract on their departure...which is fine with me. Holy old lady style! Even my poor dad's room has flowers all over it.

If I was able to buy their house my mom knows the first thing I would do is heave-ho the roses. I say to you...decorate any way you want. It's your house and you shouldn't have to wait decades to enjoy it.

Angel

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In hindsight, my response sounded a bit harsh, but I do mean every word. Try to get her excited about how You, a young couple starting out, now wish to decorate in your style. Remind her of when she was a young bride, setting up her home and include her in the process. I'll bet, if you do this very carefully, she will adapt, and even enjoy the Something New, about it. Be gentle, as it has been her place for such a long time. Even incorporating some of her things, and even a nice sitting area, where it's all her own things, but still in the general living space will go a long way to keeping her interests! And GOOD LUCK!

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She is only 70, had you given any thought to the fact she could easily live another 20 years? Previously you were guests in her home, I doubt that signing a few papers will magically change that dynamic, unless she is mother theresa she is bound to resent the change. It's time to take off the rosy glasses and realistically figure out what each of you expected from this arrangement and if it is even possible.

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The time is NOW! Set her straight! It is Your home, and she can decorate HER BEDROOM, any way she wants! Refer her to the mortgage paperwork! Take control or Lose control, your choice!

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How to deal with power hungry mother-in-law?

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