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How have others dealt with a deathbed confession? When I called my dad in the nursing home yesterday, he was delirious, which I've seen before with him. But as an added twist, he added that since it's the end of the year it's time to reveal secrets and "there was another woman" in his life. Frankly I already knew....I found a letter he wrote her when I was 21 (I'm 51 now). I never confronted him or told my sibling or mother. I'm frankly po he told me yesterday and has dredged it all up again. And although I'm not fan of my mom, she goes regularly to see him and I shudder to think about him saying this to her (though I've long suspected she knows). I know confessions are normal but what a pita...and although he's in his last weeks (I think) I don't want to call or visit again ...god knows what else he'll tell me.

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How do you know that your dads talking about the same woman from 30 years ago? He may be talking about someone he met at the nursing facility as that is so very common.
I think that you're making this bigger than it has to be, as you supposedly knew about the "other woman" 30 years ago and chose not to do anything about it, so choose now to just ignore what your dad says and let him die in peace with a clear conscience.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You don't have to allow him to divulge things: use distraction or redirection to change the subject. IMHO it's not worth spending any emotional energy over since it may turn out to be false or inaccurate. Recently, for several days in a row my Mom kept alluding to some "secret" she had and wanted to tell me. Eventually she told me that her in-home caregivers were drinking her booze. How do I know it's not true? Now whenever she can't find something she blames it on the caregivers (who have not been in her house for 2 months now) OR on me. Why would a caregive want to steal her plastic wrap. Or me. Now I don't let her go down that path because its tiresome and keeps her mind in a paranoid and negative place. Get out your phone and look up funny or sentimental videos on social media (like YouTube, IG, etc). Play him some music, show him pictures... anything to change the direction of the conversation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Freyasmom24 Jan 20, 2026
My friend in her psychotic breakdowns, swore that "little people" came into her nursing home room and stole her socks at night but then they'd come back soft and clean. They also would sing and dance late at night. And because she was my friend and I knew she had issues played along with her. I didn't argue, but I did let her husband know about it....he was never surprised. I suspect that your mom is having a psychological issue with misplacing items and needs to blame someone and not herself.
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It's up to you whether or not you want to spend time with him. Don't feel like you have to, if it will cause negative feelings.
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Reply to MG8522
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I’m sorry you had to hear that and hope you can put it out of mind soon. It’s truly useless information that benefits no one and shouldn’t be voiced. I bet even dad didn’t feel better for sharing. Do what you need to move forward in peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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If I were to hear a deathbed confession, I wouldn't tell anyone. It would die with me. However, I'm sure I'd find it very interesting!
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Reply to Fawnby
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I don't know whether I should reveal this (my own secret!), but if a dying family member told me secrets, I'd be excited. I'd consider it to be a final opportunity to learn more about my family's past.
That said, I think it's okay to say to your father, "I don't want to hear secrets," and then suggest that he speak with a spiritual adviser (for example, a priest, a minister, or a rabbi).
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Reply to Rosered6
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lealonnie1 Jan 20, 2026
Trust me, not all secrets are exciting to hear. Some are nauseating to the point you don't want to see the person again. As evidenced in Peanuttys post, and in my experience. My mother told me a secret about my father that made me so angry at HER that I wished I never had to lay eyes on her again. There's no reason on God's earth why WE should be burdened by THEIR secrets and skeletons in the closet. Some things should go to the grave with a person.
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My mom wanted me to find out if she had harmed/killed someone. She couldn't remember. She said with my research abilities I should be able to find out. She stopped talking about it and we moved on. That was over a year ago.
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Reply to JustAnon
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lealonnie1 Jan 20, 2026
Great God almighty
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Its already too much, what's going on with your parents all these years. Then add in this deathbed confession and it throws it all way over the top. The selfishness of the elders never ends, it seems, and the burden for us gets heavier and heavier. This probably feels like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I know it did when my mother did her little confession presentation. From that day forward, I never visited her alone again. I took DH with me as a buffer bc she was always better behaved in front of "outsiders".

That idea may work for you too with both of them. I hope so.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position and pray you find it easy to put it ALL out of your mind and find peace. You sure deserve it.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Just read a novel called Jenny Cooper Has a Secret. Be glad it's not that!! BTW the book was a hoot!! This situation,, but darker! Set in a NH, dementia.. THIS !!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Why are you so PO? All the stats say that a surprising proportion of adults have or have had real or imagined experiences outside marriage. Nothing shocking about that! Are you totally pure yourself? Or were you looking for a reason not “to call or visit again”?
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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peanuttyxx Jan 20, 2026
Cuz I don't want to hear it. Hes my father...not buddy. And yeah ... I'm done with the whole situation. No need to be hostile though about me admitting I'm po'd. Anger is human, just like lust....a pure emotion
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