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Well Done for coping on your own for a longtime! I've had a couple of selfish parents who thought nothing but about themselves. As your stepdad is still around then I think it is his duty to sort out things with your mum. Don't feel guilty. You have enough on your plate. I should talk to a counselor about the guilt feelings. Maybe they are not trying to make you feel guilty, they are trapped in a situation & probably hoping for some help as desperation to prevent your mum going in a home. It sounds like she does need assisted living so maybe you need to get together & try & talk this through. Hope everything gets sorted.best wishes
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I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty.
* You are interpreting comments made as you FEEL guilty. No one can make you feel any specific way. If 10 people are in a room with the same common denominator, there likely will be 10 different responses - why? Because we are are triggered or wired based on our individual background, upbringing, wounding, psychological, emotional - combinations.
* The question you might want to pose is "why do I feel guilty" and realize that only you can change how you feel.
* Some part of these interactions / relationships are triggering you. If you are able to understand 'the why,' you may come closer to releasing the hold others' comments / opinions / intentions / perceptions have - you let it go saying (to yourself: this is how they feel, it has nothing to do with me or how I feel).
- From my point of view, this doesn't necessarily absolve a person from taking responsibility for their part in a situation. Still, in order to do this - you need to come to the table as a whole person so you can more humbly and objectively 'see' the big picture. And not allow others to dump on you.

As I say "you teach others how to treat you" - while this may not be specific to the discussion / point here, how you respond to them may - likely play into how they approach / communicate with you. In other words, if you 'put your foot down,' they may back down.

I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons).
Do I have a right to be?

The red flag here is that you are asking us if you have a right be feel - as you feel.
* You feel as you feel, right, wrong, good, bad, indifferent. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' feelings are feelings. Period. And feelings are triggered or emerge as they do based on how you feel about yourself, your unfinished emotional and other business (onging inner work).

* You equally have 'a right' to do as you please even if it is difficult (due to your conflicting feelings muddled with guilt). Not only do you have 'the right,' you have the OBLIGATION to yourself to feel self-respect and self-love --- not to mention, ackowledging yourself for all you did all your life - on your own, being successful, having a husband / family - and taking on all that financial responsibility.

* I hope that you give yourself a huge break (and a huge self-hug). Learn to love yourself as you would have appreciated / wanted to be loved as a child. Many of us need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally. I recall about 30+ years ago when I realized that a part of me had to (wanted to/became aware of) be the loving mother to myself that I never had . . . because she didn't have this inside her to extend to me. She was broken and didn't work on herself. Woman didn't do that in the 50s esp if not educated and as my mom, cross-eyed and poor at age 16.

Take care of you for your rainy day and when you want / need to take care of your own dad.

I would strongly suggest therapy to deal with your inner pulls / conflicts.
I learned in counseling training (psychosynthesis) to see myself - the situation on a tv screen ... and then seeing myself change the channel. It is time you change the channel.

Gena / Touch Matters
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You are not responsible for your parent's. They were to save money as they worked to care for them as they age. Visiting and helping how you choose is all that you should feel responsible for. Do not let them guilt trip you. You could call & express your concerns about her going back home. Maybe he needs to file for Medicaid so that she can be placed before she goes home. Once discharged from hospital the road for placement is difficult. It is not for you to do, he needs to do what is expected of him as her husband. You are responsible for your family & self.
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MichelleLeeR: Imho, you are not responsible to care for your mother physically and most certainly NOT financially.
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Curious, but one time you call yourself the breadwinner..say your husband does not have the where with all to help with retirement and finances and will need to work till you're over 80. Then later you say he just now started putting money into retirement, like a day later. How'd that happen.
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Wow! Really interesting anger. Young lady, my mother had dementia and I take care of her plus my family. Thanks God my husband is very understanding in that area. From what I am reading, you feel resentment towards your mother for various reasons. I am not saying that you have a right to feel this way; however, your mother whether good or bad, will always be your mother. I don't care what she did or didn't do, she is still your mother and that's a powerful role. Do not disrespect your mother for your selfishness. You are taking care of your husband and doing all the "family stuff" but don't want to do anything beside go to hospital to visit.

I really do have a problem with that because I have that same problem in my family with my siblings, but I don't ask them to do anything for mother because in the end, God will judge them, not me. Yes, I struggle, yes, I cry but I know God got me. Mom and I were not always the closest but she is the best mom that I can have.. I thank God for blessing me with her and I will continue to take care of her forever.
Just pray and ask GOD for deliverance and be ready for the truth!!!!!!
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PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Teresadowns,
Just because it's working out for YOU to take care of Mom doesn't mean you can guilt people coming in here for help, "young" lady. Oh, and prayers.

OP's spending a lot of time at the hospital as it is, and after that the mom is to go into a NH/AL. No, it's not on her to pay money toward her mother's care, that is what her own money, presumably controlled by stepdad, is for. If there's no money, then that is what Medicaid is for and there's a social worker in the family to help navigate this.

There is really little for OP to do here regarding her mom's situation anyway. Why are you guilting her?
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Yes you have the right to get angry. I have talked to people and they said we are only human. We also know when we can’t take care of our loved ones like they need to be taken care of. My mother in law lives with us and with her Medicare it’s still not enough to get her in some facilities and the one facility we can afford there is no openings. Yes we are only human and do not understand this disease. My mil refuses to think she needs our help and thinks we are out for her money. She talks like she has millions! Yes my husband and I are power of attorney over her stuff but we use the money to pay for her doctor visits, adult daycare and hopefully a nursing facility soon. She fights with us on everything like getting a bath and dressing. She doesn’t even know she’s in the world 90% of the time. She talks jibberish and we try to do what we can without her hitting us or throwing stuff or spiting on us or cussing us out. We are so overwhelmed and stressed out we think she will be better in a facility. We have talked to a hospice doctor and nurse and they are suppose to be helping us get her in a facility but it seems like they are dragging their feet. She has gotten so bad we have had to call our emergency system 911 and they take her to the hospital but the PET team releases her because she is calm there. It’s like we are some kind of trigger for her. I am sorry you are being made to feel guilty. It’s easy to feel this way. This disease carries a lot of feelings of guilt. We are just human and we have to take care of ourselves also.
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If you are "non-communicado," you will not hear any judgements. Encourage them to place your mom in Memory Care and send the information to you. You can visit, or not, on your own terms (and alone).
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Feelings are not about rights.
They are how a person feels.
The question is: Are you able to reframe how you understand your situation to feel compassion and set boundaries? I believe often a person 'feels angry due to being unable to assert themselves and set boundaries' - to then not deal with feeling guilty or other feelings.
Key is to be aware of how you feel. Take care of yourself. The only way you can take care of another is when you take care of yourself first.
You may have deep rooted triggers / wounding to feel as you do. I would encourage you to get into counseling / therapy to understand how you feel and what you need to do or will choose to do for all concerned.

Gena / Touch Matters
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