Did I make the wrong choice pulling my mother off of life support?

Hello Luke. My 101 year old Mother died October 16th, 2020 in an ER room after an ambulance ride of 20 minutes. I had to decide on the spot to allow or not allow heroic measures to save her. I said no. Hardest thing I ever did in my life was to sit by her holding her hand and a talking to her as she was passing away. You made the correct decision. You allowed her to die naturally. I too am not married, no children. My mother was also was my best friend. Know now that she is free of pain and she would want you to go on, live your life as best you can. Being so close to her, I know she would not want you agonizing over if you did the right thing or not. It was her time. You were with her. You were brave and strong even though at the time you may have felt terrified.
Here is a poem I found online, it was also read at my own mother's graveside funeral service just yesterday. I hope it will help you as it is helping me to deal with my mother's passing:
You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile,
open your eyes,
love
and go on.
Author Unknown

God bless you Luke! Remember your mother is with you always and forever in your heart, now free from the pain and sorrows of earthly life. She would want you to live a good life. You can do it and honor her in doing so.
I wish the best for you. She raised you well.

I have been there with my sister. But I also have to add that I believe my sister “left” before her body died. Your mom was on such a slippery slope that I believe she knew there was no chance of ever returning to the life she used to know. I have read that this happens when the soul knows that death is inevitable, and the soul leaves the useless body. You did the right thing and I believe your mother would totally agree with your decision. Look for signs that she sends you. She doesn’t want you to feel so low. She is in a greater place now and she is free from suffering because you DID make the right decision. All the doctors backed you up. She is free now. Be at peace and enjoy good memories of your mother. This is what she wants you and your family to do.

You are understandably dealing with grief and shock, but you did the right thing. It would have been unrealistic and cruel to keep your mother alive "artificially" and in such damaged condition, just waiting for the "next terrible thing" to happen.

Be good to yourself. Take the time you need to grieve, but don't punish yourself for having had to be the one to make the call.

I know that the decision you made is what my mother would want in a similar situation. It is the decision I would want made for myself.
Right now, you are grieving. You were with your mother until the very end, which is very fresh in your mind. That is to be expected, but I hope in time those bad memories will fade as you focus on the good times you had with your mother.
The more we love, the deeper we grieve, because we had someone so special in our lives.

Hi. I believe you made the mature, responsible decision. I don’t think most people want to stay on equipment, etc. when there is no hope.

in 1990, my second son Lucas was born. The pregnancy had been totally uneventful-not even one episode of morning sickness. Then, I went into back labor, saw my OB-GYN and he did an ultrasound and immediately had me admitted into the hospital. I was under the care of a high-risk OB-GYN. After a week in the hospital with numerous tests coming back negative or normal, the doc decided he had to do a C-Section or the baby would be stillborn. Of course, my husband and I .... docs included ... wanted to give Lucas every chance they could.

Immediately after the C-Section a Neonatal Intensive Care Doctor had to perform CPR on the baby and rush him to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). He was placed on full life support, he was the most sick baby in the unit. The doctors were very hopeful the first week and gave him a 50/50 chance. The second week was different. I could tell the doctors were not as hopeful and energetic when talking about Lucas. When a person is on a ventilator and the doctors cannot lower the settings, the pressure starts forming holes in the lungs. There is nothing any medical professional can do. This had started happening.

On December 16, my husband and I went to see a Lucas. The NICU doc ask to talk to us in a private office. He explained the time had come to make a decision. There was nothing any person on earth could do for our baby. After the doc left the office, we made the decision to take Lucas off the equipment. A nurse took Lucas off the equipment and brought him to us in that office. I held him for the first and last time. He was wrapped in a light blue and white stripped miniature hospital gown and matching blanket.

Afterwards the nurses prepared a bag of baby items for us including the gown and blanket he had been wearing, pictures, hand and foot prints, a lock of hair and small toys that were in his bed.

I thought I would not be able to get through Christmas with our five year old son and family. Numbing I did though. The next year I was desperate and sought counseling at our church. Finally, I came to know the love of Jesus Christ. I gained some understanding about grieving, trauma and worked through many of my emotions and feelings.

Finally, it took 10 years or more before I could talk about Lucas without breaking down. Another ten years and I was stronger. And now, it has been another ten years as he would be 30 years old in November. I often wonder who he would be and what kind of life he would live. There is always a touch of pain in my heart when I think about Lucas.

On the other hand, I marvel at what I have learned through this process, I am and always will be grateful for my faith and my husband and son are the joys of my life.

Lucas was here for a brief time. His short life was full of suffering. Now, he is in the arms of Jesus where there is no pain. Someday I will see him again and hold him one more time.

Give yourself time to heal. Seek counseling if you can, read self help books maybe. You did what you had to do. How brave you were to go there alone and handle that. You did not cause your mother’s death, you were the compassionate person she needed. And now, she is where is was going all along.

I wish you peace.

Please know that you did well. Pray for comfort and give yourself grace. You made the best decision for your mom. Infact, sounds like you were the one with her most.
Grief is natural, and a process. You are grieving right now. Allow yourself to grieve. Seek grief counseling through a church if possible.
But please understand that you made the right decision.

You are a brave and loving Son.
Heal and know that you made the compassionate decision.

You made the right decision, she had no quality of life anymore. I lost both my parents this year and it was tuff. Last year when I was with my dad at the long term care center I took him over to his appointment with his doctor. His doctor asked me what I thought about my father’s health, I told him that if my dad had another heart attack they were not to try and revive him. We were both in tears and he agreed, I said my father has no quality of life anymore he is in a wheelchair and can’t walk anymore or exercise, he isn’t watching tv anymore (he said he has seen everything) and he isn’t reading anymore (he said he has read everything) all he does is stare at the floor. My heart was breaking for my dad. My dad died 8 months later, peacefully. I talked to him right before he passed and I knew he was dying. That was in February and in July we got the call that Mom was on her way out too. Because of Covid only 2 people were allowed in and my older brother chose our 2 younger siblings. My Mom had already had a couple of strokes but since Dad was gone, Mom was lonely and we knew she missed him they had been married for 73 years and with in 43 hours of my sister by her bedside holding her hand my Mom passed. She had been in a lot of pain in her back so my sister made she she was sedated. The 1st night I was on the phone with my sister on speaker phone and was able to chat with Mom and I told her that her “Lover Boy” was probably waiting for her and her voice got so excited and she said, “he’s here, I can see him”! My sister said Mom was reaching up for our Dad. It was her time to go too! It’s sad I can’t call them anymore to chat but I know they are both in a better place. My Dad was 93 and Mom just missed out on her birthday by one month, she was 91 and this year they would have been married for 74 years! They had a wonderful, loving life.
You did what was best for your Mom, her quality of life was gone and she would not have wanted to live like that anymore. Bless you! You made the right choice.
Judy

What you did was hard.... but know this....but you did the right thing. First of all, ventilators were never meant to keep people depending on them forever. That is no life... staying on a ventilator in order to "live"... and THAT is not living. I have often told my children.... don't put me on ventilator UNLESS I will with no doubt be able to breathe without it in the near future. Again... being on a ventilator is not living. It is existing.

You made the right decision. Yes, it is difficult to make the decision to let someone go but the alternative would have been much worse. Your mother died in peace and with dignity which is all we can ask for our loved ones.

i had to make the same decision for my Dad. I held him when he passed. From reading your post you made the right decision 100%. Stop beating yourself up. I feel your pain. God Bless.

I am so sorry that you dealt with this on your own. I am surprised though that the hospital didn't give her the morphine first and wait a little bit before removing the life support, that way she wouldn't have had to struggle. Please be assured that you did the right thing for the situation at hand. It is never easy and that is why we all should have some kind of "plan" for these type of situations so our children do not have to go thru those decisions. Now, I would suggest that you get some grief counseling to help you with this and IF you aren't satisfied with one therapist, go to another until you find the peace that you need. I am sure that your mother didn't plan on things happening the way they did and that you were the most courageous one to do what needed to be done. You didn't want your mother to be in pain or suffering and the same goes for you. I am sure she wouldn't want you to suffer now.......so please find someone to talk with (maybe a priest/preacher you feel comfortable with) or a therapist that deals with this type of counseling. Wishing you peace and luck with your future.

Hello Luke: I have shared your experience and have shared your feelings. I was scared & guilty because I prayed he would die faster. I made the same choices for my father in 1988; my siblings also could not handle the situation.
It has been 32 years since I "helped my father" for the last time; Hope you don't mind me sharing the perspective that time has given me. Our parents received the best medical advice we could provide.
Not every sibling is suitable for every task. No-one can take away the 45 precious minutes you shared with Mom.
This came as my hardest realization. The 45 minutes with my father was one last shared gift. Over time memories and coincidences helped me.
Let me finish by saying how proud I am to know you, It takes real love to express your feelings the way you have today. Steve

You stepped up and made the hardest decision a child will ever have to make. The doctors told you that your mom would never again be able to eat, drink, walk or even know you or your siblings ever aging. In other words they were telling you she would never again have any quality of life.

Often times in situations like this children fight to keep their parent alive not because they would want to live that way but because they (the children) cannot let go. What you did in this situation was put the needs of your mom above your own. It sounds like you knew she would not want to live that way, with no quality of life. So you put her wishes above your own and you let her go. I am so sorry you were in that situation but I am thankful you were able to put her needs above your own!

Don't let anyone tell you or your own feelings of guilt consume you. I wish more individuals were able to put their loved ones needs above their own. I had to do this with my dad and I know that although I miss him everyday he is in heaven no longer sick and and grateful that we (his children) loved him enough to let him go.

Take care and thank you for sharing.

You made the right decision and please do not feel guilty. I lost my mom and I miss her every day and often question if I did enough to make her happy and comfortable. My mom was everything to me and I know in my heart I tried the best I could with my time and resources to make her happy. I reached a point recently after 3 years to look at it this way, my mom would not want me to be sad and suffering because she loves me so much. I also try to look at it as I will miss her forever but I also need to be happy. I find reminders and look at them with great memories of happy times. I am not successful every day but I am getting better at it. You won't get over it and you will think of her every day. I look for signs and she sends them that make me feel she is watching over me. Please remember she loved you very much and wants you to be happy.

Consider that the purpose of the morphine is to reduce the feeling of air hunger. she would have passed with or without the morphine. She would not have gotten better if kept on the ventilator. At some point you would still have needed to make the decision. You love your Mom and she is grateful to you.

I am a 75 year old woman with lots of friends my age and older . We talk about this very thing on a fairly regular basis . NONE of us want to be kept alive on machines or live with no quality of life .., Just the thought of being a major burden to the family and not being able to talk, eat and take care of our selves would be dreadful . You did the correct thing, Your mom would not have wanted to live as a vegetable. I lost my sister to Alzheimer’s. She was in a facility for 7 years. If she had her whits about her, she would have been mortified. Her brain was dead but she was physically healthy . . We take better care of fur babies than we do our elderly. In a situation like your mom’s , it would be demoralizing, to me any way , to be kept alive by family just because they didn’t have the strength to to make the hard decision.

No matter what anyone tells in this forum you need to come to terms with your decision between yourself. Listening to others who had a similar experience is always helpful, but your concerns will remain with you. I believe that your concerns probably arise from the situation that if she became fully incapacitated, your mother did not give you formal or verbally express her end of life wishes to you. You need time to heal, the pain never goes away, you just get used to it. You can not second guess yourself. You made the best decision for your mother with the fullest of love. You did not want her to suffer.

What is life support? It is being kept alive through machines. Imagine her terror if she had a moment or two of clarity and she had tubes down her throat and no understanding of why she was being tortured. YOU prevented that from occurring. I suggest you get help, either from a therapist or a religious leader or both. Your mom’s passing was traumatic, and it sounds like you might be suffering from PTSD. I wish you the very best, and I’m sorry for your loss.

I don't think you ever get over it but it gets better with time. Most of us second guess our decisions. I'm 6 years out and I have to put certain images "out of my head" in order to cope. I'm so sorry for your loss. She will know you were there for her in the end.

What an amazing love you have for your mother. This was a very hard decision to make, but you loved her enough to make that decision and allowed her to die. And you stayed with her to the end which is a great show of the love and respect you have for your mother. (There are many who would have left before the life support was removed.) You are in the beginning of your grief journey and it's not one any of us would wish on someone. But you will make it eventually, sometimes a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. It is good you have sisters to share your memories of your mother with and I encourage you to do that. Be kind to yourself and find a support group/system so you can talk as you go through each day. There is a facebook group for those whose mothers have died (it has helped me to be able to share with others who "get it") You are a good son and brother and just know we all understand and are here if and when you come back. HUGS

Your answer lies in the simple sentence you wrote: "I truly, deeply love my mother." You did the best you could given the circumstances.

My uncle passed in the same way. He fell to the floor and was "gone" with no hope for recovery. We all agreed that taking him off life support was the best decision - he would not have wanted to live like that!

The only thing I disagree with is that you told two of your sisters that she was still on life support - they are bound to find out the truth eventually, so please tell them the truth up front to avoid any problems in the future.

Luke 1975
Well Luke it’s in between you and your siblings no one can decide what to do and they didn’t want that on their conscience and let the final decision up to you. You have a strong willed strong power and I pray for you . Yes done the right thing at least you were there for mother to hold her hand . Watching mother go through her transition to glory could’ve been devastating but you stayed . There’s no more suffering. It’s not like I had lost my mother two months ago at the nursing home with this COVID-19
I feel guilty and very hurt because I was not allowed or permitted to enter into the facility on her last week with lot of contacting . The state Pittsburgh Pennsylvania where mother was in but I want to be there . No visitation since March 20, 2020 . No holding hands ., touches, just holding . And I just want you to know I wouldn’t let my mother suffer I was done the same thing you have done . So you done what you Know mother wanted . remember mother was always there for us also sitting by her side you take care
Be vigilant and try not to feel guilty mother’s gives us life , and we return them back to Glory.
We didn’t place them at Death , it was their time to leave this earth. We were born to die the day we were born signing off Brown, Sugar

Your message is also a reminder that we should all have directives in place. Make certain your loved ones have your wishes in writing - for their personal comfort and so that they never have to explain themselves with other family members.

A decision made out of love is rarely the wrong decision. We've traveled the road you are on and made the decisions based on what we knew they wished and what we would want for ourselves. May peace come to you.

Luke1975: God bless you, dear man. You were faced with a difficult choice. I ask God to bring you a measure of comfort, knowing that. Prayers sent.

Luke, you made the humane, the loving and the mature decision for your Mom and then had the courage and love to stay with her. Wow.... your parents did some job of raising you! You are just beginning the grieving process and periodically may doubt your decision but know that you made the best choice for your Mom that you could. Would she really have wanted to be in a vegetative state for many years? Most likely not.

You are what most of us want..... a loving, caring son. I feel it is an honor to know you even through a forum. God grant you peace!

Thank you again to every one. Im sorry if i have not replied to everyone of your posts individually but i have read every single post of yours slowly word by word many times. It has been very helpful.
last night i drank one bottle of scotch on empty stomach and sleepless week while reading everyone here again. I ended throwing up sick by morning here west coast but I’m fine now.
If I have not thanked you personally just know that I’ve read you carefully every word and i’m forever thankful to you. You all seem to be much much wiser than i can ever be and i feel lucky to have randomly stumble in this forum when in such desperate need.
Thank you all, God bless you and all your loved ones.

Please don't drink too much Luke. It will only make things worse.

Good night to you!

Luke - I'm so glad you found us. But I don't believe it was luck that you randomly stumbled upon this site. You were led here by your mother so that we, as a community of caregivers, can wrap our arms around you and tell you what your mother wants you to hear.

You have touched our hearts with your love for your mother. Your mother undoubtedly loves you just as much or more.

You mentioned that you have dealt with depression and darkness. And now, you have grief to deal with, too. So, please it is high time you seek counseling to help you with your issues.

If you want to, you can certainly share them with us and we will do our best to help you.

Now, please stop punishing yourself by drinking. Your mother would be so sad seeing you like that. Instead of getting lost in the bottle, you should go for a long jog, or have a workout with a punching bag. I promise you, you will feel so much better, and think so much more clearly.

A side note, you don't have to reply to everyone's post individually. No need, unless you want to.

I am so very sorry you had to endure that, but medical science has put us in situations that never used to arise. You did absolutely everything correctly. I'm tearing up thinking if I had had to do that with my own late mother. I would know it was right, but I would be torn down to my very soul. But you held her. You loved her. She knew it, I'm sure, at some level. May you be at peace.