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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Initially, I thought 'caregiver' was someone you hired to work with your husband. Now, I presume it is you, his wife.
How to deal with it?
* Be self-compassionate. It is a very difficult situation in many ways (your time, energy, losing the man / husband as you knew him years, if not decades ago. It is a grieving process in slow motion.
* As you can, hire others so you get the respite / time off you really need. You cannot run on empty.
* Get support as you can in any groups that might help you. I do not know how your husband is disabled and/or if he had dementia. Look for Associations / church / Next Door - anywhere you can find some support.
* Get into therapy. This will / could be a good outlet to release / deal with your anger. You may (likely) feel both exhausted and STUCK - as you say hopeless. You are likely also depressed. It is a 'never ending cycle' day after day of being 'on' and likely (feeling/) having little to no choice.
Who wouldn't be anger and feel hopeless?
* You need to find ways to 'zone out' - leave. Even if 5-10 minutes every few hours ... an hour every day ... a day every week. You need to get away - for your own sanity and to renew ... which (I know) often doesn't feel like being renewed, but it is some time to shift from being 'on' all the time.
- Learn how to use these respites, i.e., shift your environment: --- go into the garden or go for a walk. --- write in a journal --- Take a relaxing bath --- Practice self-compassion (give yourself credit / acknowledgement for EVERYTHING YOU DO ... start with a daily list of '10'. "I acknowledge that am am doing ... When you review your list, you are or can focus on self-appreciation / self-compassion. --- Meditate. Even start with 1-2 minutes focused on your breathing. --- Get CDs or DVDs on meditation if needed. (Check out Rick Hanson Wed night Zoom meditations. I've been doing these for about a year now) --- And what you may not even know how to do ... figure out HOW TO HAVE SOME FUN.
Consider if it is time for placement - is having him at home just too much for you now?
* You deserve a life and tell yourself this, regularly. (from my point of view... ) There is a boundary (or should be) between being a faithful partner/wife and knowing you need to take care of yourself to feel whole. You deserve to be and feel this way. If you do not know this ... spend time acknowledging that you deserve to be a whole, functioning person. And, that taking care of yourself is THE ONLY WAY you can be fully present for your husband (and with respites, too). It is a matter of balance and figuring out how you can do this --- managing finances/caregivers/helpers. Even learning to ask for volunteers / help from neighbors or friends if this is hard for you. Do it.
Lastly, thank you for writing us. Many of us know how you feel.
It will help you to have / find an outlet for your anger and all your feelings.
* A therapist is really important. * Friends are good although many will give (unsolicited advice) - and/or won't know how to really support you even though they want to and think they are. The 'best' supportive friends are LISTENERS. To give you space to share and fall apart as / if you need to.
And, friends can take just so much.
"Use" your friends for 'fun' outings - a meal out ... a movie ... an event.
Everyone has a different tolerance level and/or ability in offering support. As well, a person's ability to feel compassion for another is different.
Know we care. Come back and check in... let us know how you are doing.
I am there myself. I try to find something to distract myself from all that is going wrong for a short time. This may be watching something on the television, doing a craft, turning up the radio while I run an errand, or going to the garden with my dog for a bit—anything to take a small mini-vacay. This may mean staying up a little later than normal too, to rest my mind before I rest my body. I am not perfect at it, but it helps.
First you are not alone. Educate yourself, read as much as you can about the disease and the behaviors, so things aren’t so shocking to you. Join a support group either online or in person or both.
Contact hospice for additional care…hospice is not just for end of life. Medicare will pay for hospice. A certified nurse assistant will come for bathing your husband, a registered nurse will come wkly to check vitals. You will have free access to a social worker and even a chaplain. They will come to your home. The social worker can speak with you about seeking additional care help and what your options are. There are even grants that help offset some of the costs of hiring additional help if needed.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging to get a hospice evaluation.
You begin by looking for as many resources you can find that might help.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission. They can help determine if he qualifies for any benefits. It might help a little or a LOT.
Contact your local Senior Service Center. they typically have Social Workers that can help you apply for programs that will help.
Depending on your husbands condition if he qualifies for Hospice you would get a Nurse that would come in each week, more often if needed. The nurse would order any medications. The nurse would also order equipment that is needed. Hospital bed, and if you need help with transfers a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer Lift.
You would get a CNA that would come in 2 times a week to help with a bath or shower. The CNA would order supplies as well. All the incontinence supplies, briefs, pads, creams, ointments would be delivered.
You would have a Social Worker, Chaplain assigned as well. And you can request a Volunteer that can come and stay with your husband while you run errands. (they can not do "hands on" care so the time is generally limited to 3 to 4 hours.)
And you need to find a Support Group. You need to talk to your doctor about what is going on because being a caregiver WILL effect your health. And if possible you need to talk to a therapist just so you have a safe place to vent, bounce ideas off someone. Talking to a friend is good but you want an unbiased point of view, no judgement.
Lastly if you have not done so you need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure that all the important papers are done that need to be done.
Pixie, I saw this question last night and really didn't know how to answer it.
What Beatty said was right.
I also want to commend you for seeing that you have this internal anger, and need help with it.
Some people never see that and just let it fester.
Have you thought about therapy. I suspect it's hard for you to get out but a lot of things can be done on line.
Mindfulness and meditation may help. But what it sounds like you need the most is help for you to get out and get away.
Everyone would tell me I need a vacation. Honestly the thought of a vacation, actually depressed me more because I new I wouldn't want to come home. Mom and moms problems where still there when I came home.
Through all different avenues I've learned to be able to let go of what's going on at moms, and enjoy myself and worry less.
You need help, then you need to be able to walk out that door shut it and leave those problems behind the door.
Even get someone for a few days , by a good book, get an inexpensive hotel room for 2 nights, order in your favorite foods and just do you.
Pixie, you deal with your anger and hopelessness by making sure that you are getting out of the house regularly and doing things that you enjoy, like going to church, lunch with friends, shopping, taking a walk etc. You also deal with it by knowing what your limitations are, as we all have them. Then you can hire in-home help to give you some much needed breaks, and take some of the responsibility off of you, or you start looking into the appropriate facility for your husband where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his wife and advocate. I also always recommend finding a local caregiver support group in your area that you can attend, as I know that the one I've attended since 2018, literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband. It is so very helpful to be able to share and be honest with others that are going through similar things as you. Priceless actually. My husband died in 2020, and I still attend mine to be able to give hope and help to others still in the throes of caregiving. May the Lord bless you and keep you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How to deal with it?
* Be self-compassionate. It is a very difficult situation in many ways (your time, energy, losing the man / husband as you knew him years, if not decades ago. It is a grieving process in slow motion.
* As you can, hire others so you get the respite / time off you really need. You cannot run on empty.
* Get support as you can in any groups that might help you. I do not know how your husband is disabled and/or if he had dementia. Look for Associations / church / Next Door - anywhere you can find some support.
* Get into therapy. This will / could be a good outlet to release / deal with your anger. You may (likely) feel both exhausted and STUCK - as you say hopeless.
You are likely also depressed. It is a 'never ending cycle' day after day of being 'on' and likely (feeling/) having little to no choice.
Who wouldn't be anger and feel hopeless?
* You need to find ways to 'zone out' - leave. Even if 5-10 minutes every few hours ... an hour every day ... a day every week. You need to get away - for your own sanity and to renew ... which (I know) often doesn't feel like being renewed, but it is some time to shift from being 'on' all the time.
- Learn how to use these respites, i.e., shift your environment:
--- go into the garden or go for a walk.
--- write in a journal
--- Take a relaxing bath
--- Practice self-compassion (give yourself credit / acknowledgement for EVERYTHING YOU DO ... start with a daily list of '10'. "I acknowledge that am am doing ... When you review your list, you are or can focus on self-appreciation / self-compassion.
--- Meditate. Even start with 1-2 minutes focused on your breathing.
--- Get CDs or DVDs on meditation if needed. (Check out Rick Hanson Wed night Zoom meditations. I've been doing these for about a year now)
--- And what you may not even know how to do ...
figure out HOW TO HAVE SOME FUN.
Consider if it is time for placement - is having him at home just too much for you now?
* You deserve a life and tell yourself this, regularly.
(from my point of view... ) There is a boundary (or should be) between being a faithful partner/wife and knowing you need to take care of yourself to feel whole. You deserve to be and feel this way. If you do not know this ... spend time acknowledging that you deserve to be a whole, functioning person. And, that taking care of yourself is THE ONLY WAY you can be fully present for your husband (and with respites, too). It is a matter of balance and figuring out how you can do this --- managing finances/caregivers/helpers. Even learning to ask for volunteers / help from neighbors or friends if this is hard for you. Do it.
Lastly, thank you for writing us. Many of us know how you feel.
It will help you to have / find an outlet for your anger and all your feelings.
* A therapist is really important.
* Friends are good although many will give (unsolicited advice) - and/or won't know how to really support you even though they want to and think they are. The 'best' supportive friends are LISTENERS. To give you space to share and fall apart as / if you need to.
And, friends can take just so much.
"Use" your friends for 'fun' outings - a meal out ... a movie ... an event.
Everyone has a different tolerance level and/or ability in offering support. As well, a person's ability to feel compassion for another is different.
Know we care. Come back and check in... let us know how you are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters
Contact hospice for additional care…hospice is not just for end of life. Medicare will pay for hospice. A certified nurse assistant will come for bathing your husband, a registered nurse will come wkly to check vitals. You will have free access to a social worker and even a chaplain. They will come to your home.
The social worker can speak with you about seeking additional care help and what your options are. There are even grants that help offset some of the costs of hiring additional help if needed.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging to get a hospice evaluation.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission. They can help determine if he qualifies for any benefits. It might help a little or a LOT.
Contact your local Senior Service Center. they typically have Social Workers that can help you apply for programs that will help.
Depending on your husbands condition if he qualifies for Hospice you would get a Nurse that would come in each week, more often if needed. The nurse would order any medications. The nurse would also order equipment that is needed. Hospital bed, and if you need help with transfers a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer Lift.
You would get a CNA that would come in 2 times a week to help with a bath or shower. The CNA would order supplies as well. All the incontinence supplies, briefs, pads, creams, ointments would be delivered.
You would have a Social Worker, Chaplain assigned as well.
And you can request a Volunteer that can come and stay with your husband while you run errands. (they can not do "hands on" care so the time is generally limited to 3 to 4 hours.)
And you need to find a Support Group.
You need to talk to your doctor about what is going on because being a caregiver WILL effect your health.
And if possible you need to talk to a therapist just so you have a safe place to vent, bounce ideas off someone. Talking to a friend is good but you want an unbiased point of view, no judgement.
Lastly if you have not done so you need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure that all the important papers are done that need to be done.
What Beatty said was right.
I also want to commend you for seeing that you have this internal anger, and need help with it.
Some people never see that and just let it fester.
Have you thought about therapy. I suspect it's hard for you to get out but a lot of things can be done on line.
Mindfulness and meditation may help. But what it sounds like you need the most is help for you to get out and get away.
Everyone would tell me I need a vacation. Honestly the thought of a vacation, actually depressed me more because I new I wouldn't want to come home. Mom and moms problems where still there when I came home.
Through all different avenues I've learned to be able to let go of what's going on at moms, and enjoy myself and worry less.
You need help, then you need to be able to walk out that door shut it and leave those problems behind the door.
Even get someone for a few days , by a good book, get an inexpensive hotel room for 2 nights, order in your favorite foods and just do you.
Best of luck to you
You also deal with it by knowing what your limitations are, as we all have them.
Then you can hire in-home help to give you some much needed breaks, and take some of the responsibility off of you, or you start looking into the appropriate facility for your husband where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his wife and advocate.
I also always recommend finding a local caregiver support group in your area that you can attend, as I know that the one I've attended since 2018, literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband.
It is so very helpful to be able to share and be honest with others that are going through similar things as you. Priceless actually.
My husband died in 2020, and I still attend mine to be able to give hope and help to others still in the throes of caregiving.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.