My mom calls me acting depressed and asking about my next visit. Yet when I talk to the nurses they say she has a small group of friends she goes to activities with and seems to be fitting in well. They all love my mom because she is "such a sweet person." Mom has Alzheimer's so her memory is poor and she has a long history of emotional manipulation to get you to do what she expects. I really want to believe the nursing reports, but would feel terrible if mom really was feeling depressed. I've asked for a psychological screening although she is already on an anti-depressant. She has only been in memory care a month so I know she is still probably adjusting to the new situation.
I have always been the one stepping in to take care of mom all my life because my father was an alcoholic so mom relied on me for support for as long as I can remember. This whole situation just breaks my heart and I feel like so much of this is completely out of my control. That out of control feeling triggers all that childhood fear from when I was growing up. I am in counseling to deal with all the emotions of being a caregiver, but still feel overwhelmed at times.
Has anyone else out there experienced this? Any advice?
I am 80. The end of our lives simply isn't a "happy all the time" situation at best. We are facing down loss after loss and the best we have coming is listening to others our age discuss THEIR own losses, right?
Don't expect to make everything "all nice." You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. I would bet you aren't being lied to about your Mom's adjustment. It's just when she sees you she feels free to unload the "worst of it"..
You say that this is rather a norm for your Mom as well; she knows how to get you there for visits, and she does it.
If Mom expresses that she isn't happy let her know you are sorry about that; listen to her; tell her you hope it gets better for her; ask her who is her favorite there. Ask her about a friend. Your Mom is showing her best face now to those who work with her, and they love her; she has to have a place to show her "this is hard" face as well. Try not to pick up the luggage she sets at your feet.
This end of life thing is to be enduring, and all that malarky about how wonderful it is? We all gave up those notions decades ago!
You are kind and loving. Just be honest and rational with yourself that there is no perfection in the end game.
Don't be a helicopter child anymore than a helicopter parent. Let her get settled and accustomed to her surroundings. I think the psych evaluation is premature, too. Don't be a fixer.
I video chat daily. I ask what she wants or needs and tell her when I will bring it. I also ask about her friends and what she does each day (she can't tell me).
Mom doesn't remember those calls but she knows that I do call. She almost always knows who I am and my name. That is the best we can do.
Everyone please remember that as parents the job isn't to always make your kids happy. It's to keep them safe and healthy. Same thing now with roles reversed. When the stress is too much, excuse yourself and get on with the rest of your life.
She also moved to this facility after one for a medical need prior to which she was living in your home. She is used to seeing you every day, good or bad, it’s been part of her routine, part of her grounding and I imagine if you think about it she frequently seemed depressed or wanted to know how long you would be gone if you went out prior to her hospitalization. When she was in rehab perhaps you did visit more or perhaps it was the same thing but she likely needs to work through her focus of stability being seeing you and adapt to it simply knowing you are only a call away and you aren’t going anywhere. Her constantly asking when you will come visit may not charge too meaning you will have to adapt to simply answering the question, “I’m coming on Tuesday Mom” and leaving it at that. I think this attachment thing is why facilities often suggest family not visit for a couple weeks or more giving the new resident an opportunity to adjust to the new norm and transfer some of that attachment. There is security in routine but as we can’t remember the routine it must make that adaptation harder. There is also the simple answer that “when are you coming to visit” is a common social nicety many of us picked up as young children and is simply that, not really a need question if that makes any sense.
She can enjoy her new friends and miss her daughter, look forward to your visits at the same time.
I went and hid around corners to see for myself and my dad was doing WAAAAAYYYYYY better then he would have had me believe he was doing.
I recommend going and being a fly on the wall, don't let her or anyone that might acknowledge your presence see you, then you will know for yourself how she is really doing.
Remember, nobody is happy every moment, so she will never be either, just life.
The only thing you can ensure for her is that she is safe, fed and well cared for. Happiness is something that comes from within and it sounds like she has always been dysfunctional. A mom should have been the buffer between her drunken choice and the children she created with it, not you. Sorry if that feels sharp I just get so sad reading yet another story of a mom placing herself as a burden on her young children that continues until death, it's wrong of every parent that does that.
Boundaries are the only way you will get through this. Ask your counselor for help with those. They will help you so very much.
Show up unexpectedly to see yourself how she's doing and interacting. My mother was the face of pure misery to me while in MC, but all sweetness and life to the staff, even blowing them kisses. How cute, huh? 😑
Complaining is reserved for their loved ones so they can put on the Ritz and look sweet to staff while pretending to be long suffering, bored and tragically sad in spite of lots going on and socialization opportunities left and right.
Being conditioned for life with manipulative FOG techniques means you have to recognize the games for what they are, and sidestep them.
You can't fix dementia so while it's heartbreaking to witness, be glad mom has the opportunity to be cared for in MC and you can leave when the histrionics ramp up. No use giving yourself a nervous breakdown when mom is being properly cared for. We all have health issues in old age to contend with and no free pass to make our family's lives miserable bc of them.
Good luck to you
You cannot control your mother's life, this is a pattern you have gotten yourself into, trying to be the savior, sorry, you do not have that power.
Why wouldn't you believe the nurses reports? Maybe because then you have nothing to worry about and that makes you feel like you have lost control?
I would continue the counseling; this is a deep rooted problem that will take much time and effort to overcome.
Give this time, let her acclimate, back off, give it all some breathing room.
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