My mother, 89, moved in with my 3 boys and husband in October. And I am mentally drained. Whether I am home or at work, my mother is on my mind. Is she sad, lonely, bored? She doesnt pick up the phone to call anyone, doesn't paint anymore. When I'm home, I feel bad if she is not engaging with the family and sometimes when she does she gets snippy. Just having a hard time and starting to feel resentful.
Why are you mentally drained? Is it just worrying constantly about her? And trying to fix her life? Don't. You don't need to worry. She has lived a full, independent life as an adult long before she moved in with you. You don't mention any conditions which she suffers from or needs help with. So, let her be.
If she doesn't want to engage with the family or call friends or go out or engage in a hobby or pastime she once enjoyed, it's ok. She's slowing down, her world is getting smaller. This is all a very normal part of aging.
Her cognitive function may be slowing down, and it is too much for her to listen and make sense of family conversations for long. She probably had a very quiet life in her own home, with no boys. I've been an empty-nester for 20 years. When my 3 grandchildren are here, it's a lot! They're so loud! And they're constantly running in and out of the house, and asking me questions. As much as I love having them, I really like my peaceful, clean home when they are gone!
Mom is tired, and unless she asks you to help her find something to do, just let her sit and reflect, or read, or watch tv. A lot of 89 year old elders do just that.
If she indicates she is bored and wants something more, give her some easy household tasks, like folding dish towels, or sorting socks from the clean laundry, or even sweeping a room, if she is inclined. Ask for her input when making dinner, if she liked cooking. Or Baking. When my mother was growing up, her grandmother lived with them, and did all the cooking and baking. Mom loved baking with her grandma! That was the 1940's and '50's. The rest of the time, grandma spent knitting in front of the tv, watching her soap operas!
Ask your mom if she wants anything. If she is content to sit and do nothing, let her do that, and be content that you are there for her when she does want you for something.
Best of luck to you.
Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia or depression? If you can take her to the doctor for an evaluation and medication make be necessary.
I am an advocate of therapy and making yourself a priority first.
I think you more need to realize she will be living with you probably for years. It's not a good sign if you are already starting to feel resentful. It might be better for you and for your marriage and for your children if she goes to an assisted living facility.
It is a waste of time feeling guilty. This is just how life goes,
You're grieving the mother who used to paint, call her family and friends and was more engaged in life.
Might I suggest that your mother is depressed and needs to be on an anti-depressent to see if that helps.
Otherwise it may be time to be looking into other living options for your mother like assisted living where she will be around other folks her age and be offered all kinds of daily activities, and where you can get your home back and live in peace instead of this constant concern and worry.
In March it all came to a head, when we were trying to get my mom to give up her car keys. My husband made me start therapy, and I also went to see my PCP and was prescribed anti-anxiety meds for the first time in my life. It took awhile to find the right ones. Since then, we moved my mom into AL a mile away from my house in April, and while that has been a hard transition, having her close by and knowing she is safe while learning how to deal with my anxiety and how to not be quite so codependent has helped me tremendously. I feel a lot more like my old self. Just 2 months ago, I would not have thought it was possible!
All this to say -- if you're like me, you feel responsible for your mother's happiness, and that's an unfair burden to put on ourselves. If you are making sure she is safe, you are doing a great job! If she is sad, lonely, bored, snippy -- that's on her. You need to take care of yourself now. You deserve happiness, too!
It's not your fault if your mother isn't interacting, so don't feel guilty and don't worry. Both are wasted emotions that accomplish nothing positive, but drag you down.
Your mother is old , many get depressed about that. Perhaps your mother needs an antidepressant. Maybe she would be better off in assisted living where she could make friends ( if she has the funds) . Has Mom gotten cognitive testing done ? Does she have dementia ? . Do you know why she no longer calls anyone or paints ?