My mother complains of feeling isolated. I visit at least 3 times a week and ring daily. My two siblings visit at least once a week. The truth is that she is quite negative and it drags you down.
No one takes her out anywhere because she can become abusive and angry over very minor things. In fact, she complains loudly about everything and it is really unpleasant.
She attends church 3 times a week but doesn't go anywhere with friends, I think because of the behaviors described above.
I was considering approaching her parish priest to ask if he could suggest anyone who might offer her some company.
WE can't change a person because they choose to keep a negative mindset. The only thing WE can do is protect our mental health.
I was told by a doc that guilt is a useless emotion when it comes to dealing with my mom. She told me I had to get this through my skull or I would hurt my mental health. It's a daily battle at times but I repeat to myself, I am not in charge of my mother's happiness.
Accept the fact you can't fix this. Just take care of your own mental health.
Thank you.
"Happy" in this instance, she probably likes to be negative to others. Maybe (though unlikely) she is unaware of her negativity when in the company of others.
There may be similar programs for visiting or phone calls in your area. Maybe colleges nearby with geriatric programs, for intergenerational contact. Sometimes a different age group tolerates negativity better because they are just generally more cheerful. If they know it going in they won't take it personally.
Just a thought.. I wish you the best.
So what I am saying is sometimes people create their own loneliness by the way they treat others and their expectations of others. You don't want to be lonely, then do something about it.
Nothing will beat the feeling of loneliness other than another human in people's life.
Some people are lucky enough to have a hustle and bustle of people around them children doing there things, husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, and friends in general. These people don't really know loneliness because they've never experienced it. For lonely people I'm sure it's really like being locked in one's own mind with only your own thoughts spinning around.
When you've are not married and have not children, all your friend that you thought were friends have dessert you, and you have no partner and not even the visits from family, that's severe loneliness. I think with you phoning and your siblings visiting it's good your mother does not have complete loneliness, because you all look after her and visit. There many in the world literally have no one and if they are disabled on top of this and can't even get out to shops around other human beings it's even worse.
I believe your mother's loneliness is more companionship loneliness and this is where you need to look to see if this void can be filled, only another human can make loneliness better. Maybe someone her own age around her or some kind of group activities may help.
I did the same for my mom by phoning everyday, but it was only 15mins of the day, when she didn't have her mobility it was less of a problem because she had activities to do and a group she went to once a week. Then I thought about her sitting and eating alone day after day. Other siblings rarely phones and once in a blue moon visited her. After my mom's mobility issues increased along with other health issues I decided to be her caregiver.
Sometimes I wonder why many elderly like to be around busy cities and shopping area's, it's to being around other human beings and maybe some retail therapy too.
I think you are helping a lot already by phoning daily and visiting and I'm sure it's helping, it's something for your mom to look forward to.
I do not mean to digress but in the not too distant future AI driven robots will fill some of the void, my view is it would be a little sad humans can't directly fill the void instead, but as people have rushed, busy lives, juggling a million things; it's not easy to be around a single elderly LO and the only solution is finding people of their own age that are in a similar situation for companionship.
Take care.
People can be living in a crowded city among many other people and still be lonely.
Also, as you say, phone calls and visits may be frequent but short.
Cover909
You mentioned that she attends church three times a week. Many parishes have ‘senior citizens’ groups. They do lots of fun social activities, some are at the church and others are field trips to museums, botanical gardens, etc.
Do you have a senior community center in your area? They have many activities for seniors. Socialization is important. Many elderly people are lonely and need companionship in their lives.
Isolation and loneliness can lead to depression. Explore options to see if there are senior groups that meet on a regular basis. Some even provide shuttle buses to those who need rides back and forth to the activities.
If she attends church 3x/week, how does she get there? Are there any scripture studies at the church?
Was she always like this?
One of my sisters runs herself ragged going over to do something for Mom.
Though there are reasons to go over there and help, we think she COULD live in her house for a while longer - but my sisters and I AND her doctor think her depression is the biggest issue.
And so that's why we're thinking of assisted living, though we're not sure how long she can afford it. (She thinks if she's gonna sit and watch TV all day anyway, why pay a lot of money to go somewhere else to do it?)
SO - have many of you noticed a marked improvement in depression once they're around people again?
Talking to her priest might help.
If she is complaining that people don’t flock to her, be honest. It’s because she is negative and an all-around pain to be around! She won’t like to hear that, and I doubt she’d change, but at least she’d know the reason.
Is she widowed? She may not be lonely so much as she wants her old life back. Or someone to entertain her and make her happy. No one can be all that for her.
How is loneliness the problem? Sounds like maybe she's cranky (or too tired) from all the activity and visits?