Does anyone know the statistics of caregivers dying before their loved ones they are caring for at home 24/7?

Um, I was looking to be helpful here, but EXCUSE ME??

"Thow a parent in a NH and leave them to rot"?

My mother resided happily, healthily and safely in a nursing home for 4.5 years. We kids had mortgages, children and spouses to care for. We had no choice; and believe me, it was still LOADS of work.

My mother was a private pay resident; she and my dad lived frugally their whole lives to be able to afford end of life care.

The statistics are that 30-35% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. It's from and old Stanford University study.

If you want more help from the government, be happy to pay higher taxes, support leaders who support Medicaid expansion and a single payer health-care system. Get rid of for profit nursing homes.

"The market" is not going to give you better elder care, anymore than it gave old age pensions ( Social Security) or Universal Healthcare for the elderly (Medicare).

Big ideas like that require Federal action.

Here is a link to information about Virginia's Medicaid " care at home" programs. I hope that helps.

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/medicaid-virginians-needing-assisted-living-home-health-care.html

My experience is that people who think nursing homes are horrible places folks are sent to die are people who have either never been in a nursing home or haven't been in one for about 30 years. A lot of nursing homes these days are like resorts, and even though ones that care for Medicaid patients aren't luxurious, they're well-run, clean, and have loving caregivers.

My dad cared for my mother long after he should have, and yes, he ended up dead first. He went from functioning perfectly well with no health issues to dead from liver cancer in six weeks. Sure, liver cancer might have gotten him anyway, but he ignored the symptoms when they first cropped up, plus he was massively sleep-deprived because my mother got up every hour or so to go to the bathroom, and he felt he needed to get up to help her. He also took care of a house, did all the shopping, cooking, and laundry while operating on practically no sleep while my mother slept in a chair from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. every day. He wouldn't have had it any other way because he was a completely selfless person honoring his marriage vows, but it didn't help my mother, and it certainly didn't help him.

Martyrdom doesn't benefit anyone, so if you don't want to die early, figure out how to get your mom the care she needs and stop trying to make other people bend to your will.

“Pieces of garbage” and “ in a nursing home to rot”. That attitude says it all.

To answer your question, caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than non caregivers, and 40% of Alzheimer's caregivers die from stress related disorders before the one they're caring for dies. Those are startling statistics, and shouldn't be taken lightly. It just reinforces the fact that caregivers MUST take care of themselves and make themselves a priority as well.

Now to address your comment about putting someone in "a nursing home to rot." I do not believe that anyone who has to make the difficult choice to place a LO in a nursing facility, puts them there to "rot." They are typically placed there out of love and their family members want what's best for their LO, and want to know that their LO is receiving the care that they themselves can no longer provide. It's usually a heart wrenching decision, that isn't taken lightly, and is only done in the best interest of the person being placed. To make such a statement as you have, is a "slap in the face" of those who have had no choice put to place their LO.

Appreciate your attempt to shame those of us whose parent received care in a nursing home. Ever consider the care some elderly are receiving by resentful, bitter, exhausted, angry, frustrated family members? Some posts here by those folks have left me knowing without doubt that in home care by family members many times isn’t so superior. Painting every nursing home with such a broad brush is incorrect and thoughtless. And yes, I’ve been there. My mother received good care in an impossible health situation. I continue to have gratitude for the nursing home employees who told us that being there was their “life’s work” “a blessing to them” and they “wouldn’t want to work anywhere else” To consider these people as incompetent isn’t reality. My mother was private pay to Medicaid all in the same place, there was no difference in her care. Mom’s roommate was completely bed bound, not aware, and never had a visit from anyone. We witnessed her care being equally kind and compassionate. Of course there are bad facilities, but an involved family would know that and make changes. I’ve cried many a tear over losing my mother essentially twice, but the cruelty here won’t add to my sadness because I know our family did their best

Many of our loved ones reside in Assisted Living and Skilled Nursing residences and have not been 'thrown in there to rot'. In fact, lots of them get a much better quality of care than they would from angry & resentful children who want nothing to do with them living in their homes & ruining their lives. Abuse and ugliness does not only happen in 'horrible nursing homes', were you not aware of that? Yep. Sometimes it even happens in private HOMES! Gasp!

Your statement is extremely offensive and I find IT to be a much bigger slap in the face than what our government is NOT doing for YOU to be able to take care of your loved one at home.

Artist, you say you aren't looking for financial help.

What do you want your siblings to do? Help physically?

What sort of support do yiu want? You say aides are expensive.

Medicaid? Process is too long?

C'mon. Apply for Medicaid, get some in-home help for mom. It is based on HER income.

Get your health back!

Here we go again... those terrible nursing homes. I don't know, maybe some are and maybe some aren't. But I know you can't paint them all with the same brush. I don't have any experience with them, my wife was in an MC facility. But whether it's a nursing home, MC facility or ALF, the question is why would anyone place their LO in such a place? Your post wasn't under AD/dementia so I don't know what your caregiving issues are other than “This job is the most difficult job anyone who truly gives a darn can do for their LO.”

Consider this behavior by an AD patient... my wife to be exact: getting up at 2 and 3AM, getting dressed and leaving the house in the middle of winter; leaving the house thru the window because all the doors were locked; trying to jump out of a moving car because she thought I was going to hurt her; engaging all the 1st responders (police and fire) in a small town to look for her because she was missing; running away from me at an outdoor diner because of her delusions, etc., etc.. All caregivers have their limits of tolerance, depending on the behavior of their LO. What would have been your advice for me? To continually suck it up, after all I did promise to love, honor and obey until death, or to honor that promise by finding her a caring, loving, safe facility that understood her disease better than I did? By placing her in a wonderful MC facility, I was not only caring for her, I was caring for me. She didn't rot... she flourished. So don't judge the motives of others, none of us are super human.

It's odd you should ask the question you did. Are you worried about your health? What IS your tolerance limit, Artist? Don't over estimate your abilities. Do you feel over stressed, depressed? Are you concerned you might be one of the 30+% of caregivers who die before their LO does?

Not everyone had the perfect childhood with loving, supportive and adoring parents.

Read a few posts--a lot of us are lucky we got to adulthood with any good qualities. My mother wasn't abusive, per se, but I have VERY few 'good, positive' memories of her. I try not to be bitter, she had a LOT of emotional problems, but she dumped a LOT of crap on the 6 of us.

Now she's 91, and my YB has cared for her in his home for 25 years. Wow, does he regret making that decision. She BEGGED me to take her in and my answer was, and always will be a HARD NO.

I WISH we could put her in a facility that gave her 24 hr care and activities and built in friends, but we can't.

Many people are just trying to do their best. For MANY, keeping an aging parent at home is simply NOT doable. Not financially, emotionally or anyway. It works for out mom b/c YB works only PT and can spend a lot of time caring for mom. BUT--if he could go back in time, she and daddy would have been moved to an ALF apartment. I worry about his health all the time. He's only 58, but looks and acts 70. He's sick all the time and I know it's due to stress.

Artist,

I do believe that you are sincere in wanting to provide the best care.

Don’t you think most people want that, whether their parents are in a facility or at home?

Some elderly people aren’t well enough to live at home.

Some adult children can’t afford to be a full time caregiver.

Some are concerned for their marriages and children.

There are situations where it would be too emotionally painful to care for a parent.

In my opinion, any adult that was abused as a child is not obligated to care for that parent. Wouldn’t you agree that it is probably the best thing to let the state care for these parents?

Some parents have mental illnesses and require mental health care as well as physical care.

It is a very personal decision for everyone.

No one has a right to judge anyone else in how they provide caregiving.

If you have chosen this route of home care and are at peace then I am happy for you.

You don’t sound as if you are totally at peace.

Please correct me if you feel that I have misspoken.

I am willing to listen. We learn about each other by listening.

I cared for my mom, dad and my brother.

After daddy died I looked after mom for five years in her home, all while being married, working and raising children.

After Hurricane Katrina hit and mom lost her home, we took her in. it was an adjustment for my entire family.

Fortunately, I had a guest room so my girls were able to keep their own rooms.

I continued to work for a time but as mom declined I gave up my job, which was a tough adjustment for me.

I became depressed. I had anxiety and ended up in therapy and found this forum.

I did my best. All of mom’s doctors said that I was taking excellent care of her but I lived my life completely exhausted!

I regret that I invested so much time and energy into caregiving. It’s time that I can never get back.

Family dynamics can change drastically and in some cases severe damage has taken place, so it is never the same.

It is just as hard if a parent is in their home, our home, a sibling’s home, a facility or wherever they are.

If a person begins to dread caregiving, in my opinion it is time to give it up! It’s not fair to anyone at that point.

People who advocate for parents in facilities are not monsters. They are not neglectful to their parents either. They want the best too. They work their butts off for their parents by advocating within a facility setting.

So, nothing is cut and dry. Nothing is black and white. There are lots of messy gray areas.

I don’t know exactly what you are searching for.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect, whether at home or in a facility.

I do know that we have to put forth effort to make positive changes in our lives.

Participating in therapy helped me gain insight and find the courage to go after the things that matter most to me.

Set your own priorities. Make your own changes.

Be willing to listen to an impartial person such as a therapist to learn more about your actions and the feelings behind them.

Instead of focusing on others, start looking inward.

It makes a world of difference in seeing the past, present and future.

I wish you all the best as you travel this long, winding and difficult road.

Take care.