My grandmother, 78, broke her hip for the second time last year. We moved to colorado to support and care for her, and as soon as she was on her feet and doing well we moved out of her home to a house that's about a 10 minuet drive away.
Everything was going fine but over the past few months she has slowly been getting worse. Last week she left me a voice mail saying that the bank was trying to take her house away, and after some investigation I found out that she stopped paying the monthly bill and let it slide into fourclosure.
There is already a sell date on the home, and we do not have the money to pay the legal fee's to fix the situation. The only real solution I see is to try and sell her home before the bank sells it so at least she walks away with money in her pocket.
But, I feel she needs to move to assisted living at this point as her health is slowly fading and she obviously isnt remembering to do things that she needs to do. I go over a few times a week to clean and do her shopping, tend to her dogs and make sure everything is in order, and she is asking me to do more and more all the time.
I also do not think she would be happy living with me, we have two young children under 5 (she is not fond of small children) both me and my husband work full time, and I wouldn't allow her to smoke in the house.
Am i wrong to feel that she would be happier and get much better care at an assisted living community? How on earth do I explain to her that I cannot save her home and that the only hope is to sell it?
I'm so lost!
She can move to a VA home fully paid for? Wow! That is where she needs to go and as said earlier you don't need to explain why she can't come live with you.
Your grandmother is blessed to have you helping her out. Take care and be nice to yourself.
But if she came into the infirmities of old age without any force from you, then be proud of looking out for her best interests. No guilt allowed.
Countrymouse, she likes the facility that she stayed at when she broke her hip, and she speaks very highly of it! So I think that may make it easier. The only real worry I have is that she just talks about moving in with me. I've never agreed to it, but always said "Well we can talk about it when we get there, but I want to explore all of your options before we make any decision together."
I love my Grandma, she has always been my favorite of the family and she truly means the world to me. I think I will just have to explain it to her that I want her to be safe, happy, healthy, and in a better position for both of us to be able to still enjoy each other as long as possible!
Thank you, everyone who has replied so far. My heart is set far more at ease than it was just this morning. I felt so guilty that I think she needs assisted living, like I was a horrible granddaughter for even having it cross my mind.
How is she? Has she voiced any opinions about moving? Unless she's one of those 'over my dead body' types about going into even a good home, it may be that you'll be pleasantly surprised at how relieved she is to leave all financial and home ownership responsibilities behind - especially if policy allows her to keep her current dogs with her. I'll keep my fingers crossed, anyway.
That homes value now is less than the loan amount, and speaking with the bank, and the people who hold the lean, that told me I could indeed sell her home before their sell date to pay off the outstanding debt, and then sell that property, I've called all over town for resources, but in a town of 7,000 there just isn't anything anyone can provide, and anyone out of county has said they cannot help us.
My mother, is just not wanting to deal with any of this and not being of help. Her husband has ALS so she has a "full plate already." I understand, but I wish I had more help.
She also has Tricare, so any VA home will be fully paid for and there are a few very nice ones in the aria, including a lovely one 45 min away from us that she stayed at both times she broke her hip.
How much equity will she have in the house? Is it the kind of mortgage where they take the house period, or the kind where proceeds from foreclosure sale would be used to pay off outstanding debt with the rest (less than you'd get on the ordinary market) going back to her? Terms vary, it's always worth checking. Come to that, it's always worth arguing: what is there to lose?
But in any case, whatever you manage to salvage for her from her home, she can't continue to live on her own. And to the outside observer, it is out of the question for her to move in with two working parents and two small children. Dementia is clearly a possibility, and the whole combination is just unfeasible. I'm afraid you're going to have to harden your heart and look only at options that do not involve her living in your home. How do you tell her? Kindly but unambiguously. The more confident you are about whatever the alternative is, the more reassuring you will be.
By the way, there is no need for you to explain why you can't invite her to live with you. It's not on the table, there is nothing to discuss, and thus there will be no opportunity for getting into upsetting arguments about it. Instead, present her with the options that are available, and help her choose the best fit. Best of luck, please update.
Secondly, find out what income she does have and what it is going for. She might be eligible for your state's Medicaid program. Do scroll along the top of this page at the blue headings and see what articles there are that might be of help to you.
Good luck to you. Don't panic, just research, ask questions and take action.