MIL...have had an in-law apartment for 20 years and MIL living with us...but now it's to the point I'm ready to move her to senior housing. This woman waits for my wife to leave to work ( I work from home, office in lower level ) then she enters our home and snoops through everything she can see without going upstairs to bedrooms. She opens desk drawers, searches my wife's office, opens kitchen cabinet doors, refrigerator etc. etc. all the time I'm watching from the lower stairs...she's so loud I know when she enters. If my son leaves laundry that needs to be ironed ...she irons and then brings upstairs to his bedroom closet ( this was the exception)....if my wife tells her to not come in she takes it that she's not wanted and cops an attitude and doesn't speak to anyone. This woman is now 85 she's been with us since her husband died 20 years ago....she attends church each morning to wash away the sins of snooping....I'm getting tired of this, what can I do, my wife won't confront her.
Still, I'd confront Snoopy as she goes through the drawers, fridge, etc.. Ask what she's looking for. If the answer is "Nothing," tell her you're calling the police next time she breaks in. ... Or have her clean around the house since she's already there.
A little extreme? Perhaps.
Your wife really needs to confront her mother because it is her mother. I made the mistake of trying to fight my wife's war with her mother for her. To put it bluntly, it sounds like your wife has never really left home and is relating to her mother more as a little girl than as an adult child. This is not fair to you nor is it being faithful to her marriage vows. I feel your pain for I've been there. I know this sounds extreme, but I think for your own well being and probably for your son that you need to set some boundaries. I told my wife that for my well being and that of our boys, that her mother was no longer welcomed in our home. My wife agreed to that out of her inner adult so to speak, but her inner child started feeling fearful, obligated and guilty and invited her into our house to spend a few nights. Well, my therapist told me that such boundary breaking needed a consequence. Thus, I told my wife that the boys and I would go to a hotel for as much time as her mother was visited and we did. It took one more time for that boundary to be broken for my wife to 'get it'. She has since set some boundaries with her mother about her and the boys. Now, we all feel that my wife is so much in the present with us at home than with her mother in her mind.
I'm not sure if what your MIL is from dementia, a personality disorder or criminal, but I do not it is not right for it is obviously intrusive, disrespectful, ect.
I think you need to document her snooping with a camcorder. I don't know how you have put up with this for 20 years. It sounds like it is time for your MIL to go to a nursing home for people with dementia. Has she been evaluated by a doctor recently? Take her to see her doctor and tell him in advance about this snooping behavior and her sense of abandonment when she is told no. Nothing is going to change until ya'll let MIL deal with her own emotional issues. Stand your ground when you say no. Let her cop and attitude and not speak for she is using that as her tool of emotional blackmail.
I hope your wife already has durable and medical POA for your MIL. Remember, she is a guest in your house and you are not her prisoner.
I hope there is something is what I wrote that is helpful.
I think it's time she spends all her time with people her own age...senior housing is the way to go...in-fact she brought it up in conversation...and I replyed "not a bad idea, put your name in ".
Thank you all for your assistance ....many many great ideas...chow !
Well....I figured I'd update everyone on this topic:
Answered a question 1/4/2012 at 8:06 pmMother-in-law lives in our home, separate in-law apartment but snoops around my side of house. How do I get her out?
Bottom line is...she either respects our privacy or takes up residence at the senior housing whereas she can complain to her peers of how cruel and abusive it was to live with her daughter and ...Read More
Bottom line is...she either respects our privacy or takes up residence at the senior housing whereas she can complain to her peers of how cruel and abusive it was to live with her daughter and SIL...and they all will agree with her because that's the same reason they are living at the senior housing....lol
Thank you all for your assistance ....many many great ideas...chow !
Well MIL has taken the low road on this subject when confronted by my wife and explained to her that "we need our privacy" and would appreciate that you wouldn't just walk in unannounced to our side of the house.....and that the questions and interigation has to stop.
MIL has stated "I will not walk past your threshold again" ....okay, thank you for being realistic on this....my wife said. MIL then went on a tirade of contacting every "senior living" association and filling out applications and making "statements that she should have never moved in with us" .....and basically blowing up this situation sky high....she also stated that I ruined the family....etc. etc. unbelieveable.
Once the dust settled she states that she will continue living in her apartment ( let's see 850 sq. ft. 10 year old apartment overhead cost $300 bucks per month ) vs. 350 sq. ft. studio apartment where you have to go outside to change your mind and costing every peenny she earns.
Bottom line....I've had my fill of this old woman ...she was able to see her grandchildren raised in front of her, been inter-active with family, friends, lived in two new homes, drove new cars and had all inclusive care taker plus watched her daughter and SIL bust their asses to make everyone comfortable and successfull all within a 20 year span....so when we need some separation this is the thanks we get.
I have moved on and now see it as black and white just the way MIL sees it....I'm through with her and she's my wife's responsibiltiy the rest of the way.
I took care of my father, mother, uncle and aunt.....I'm through with old people.....
My wife has gotten tough over this since I haven't spoke to MIL since Jan. and since I do not bring her name up in any conversation....when my wife asks a question pertaining to her mother , I say figure it out I had to....there are alot of support departments at the senior center.....go up there with your mother and ask questions.
As far as I'm concerned I can play the same game MIL plays...black or white with no grey area for reasoning....I was hoping MIL would have moved out on her own to the senior housing and got a real taste of how small her world could get...here she has family from Canada come and stay for weeks on end , sleeping on my side and all over this place...she wouldn't be able to do that in her 500 sq. ft. or so closet.
My wife knows that I'm finished dealing with the guilt and the "think that I'm still in control" MIL of 85..!!!