I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
They don't want to do anything to make it easier for them in their home so that will be what it will be deal with it when or if anything happens. It's hard I feel for you it's not an easy journey. Just be honest with yourself.
I would NEVER expect my children to have to care for me, especially if I were unwilling to discuss my finances, etc., with them. Your parents/brother can deal with the situation as things come up, and believe me, they will.
Do not let guilt mess with you and the plans you have with your wife. Guilt is a wasted emotion, much like worry.
God Bless and enjoy your "Golden Years".
Just last week, she refused to go out for dinner, I'd had a rough day, and absolutely did not feel like going home right after work and went to my favorite local restaurant downtown and since I was alone sat at the bar to have a drink and eat. Imagine my surprise when there was a really nice gentleman sat next to me, and we had a wonderful conversation. I kinda hope in the future he may be there and I go again and we talk... again. Kinda gives me a hope there IS a future for me... all in all, I am young.
SO, my advice to you...... you ask :). DO ABSOLUTELY NOT let your parents guilt you into caring for them in their later years. You are married and have the potential of a wonderful golden years retirement ahead...... that's what my husband and I had planned in our 40's but he died. IF I HAD THE CHANCE AGAIN, I would go with him somewhere new to live and retire in a minute. I love my mother, but she has lived 93 and dr. informs me she easily could have another 15 years! I am NOT going to give up my life. I hope close down the road for my job to have an easier breathing room and make a personal life for myself. You and your wife already have that and are both together and alive! Celebrate that and have a wonderful life! You can always fly back to visit, but don't give up your life. Your parents can receive good care on their own and when needed go to ALF or NH.
Luckily, I have a strong personality and there was NO WAY I was going back to my mom's hometown to live, there was nothing there I wanted.
It sounds like a no win situation no matter what you do so why not do what YOU want?
I suggest you start putting in place all that they will need to live apart from you. Set up a video chat system for them, gather up the documents you need them to sign so you can be informed of their health conditions, get power of attorney forms so you can assist with financial problems if they need it, and find some type of liaison to check on them.
When you present the forms to them to sign they will have to address their future needs or you won’t be able to be much help. This would be true even if you lived next door.
If they still refuse to discuss things candidly, well, you gave them their opportunity, didn’t you?
There probably Is not much time left to have lucid discussions. Sorry, but it’s true. How can you be much help if they are not open with you?
You need to RUN away before they have a chance to snare you in their trap.
Charlotte
I have not read any of the other responses. I just logged on to give you the advise that I have gotten from many, including professionals, this week. DON'T DO IT!.
You have worked hard your entire life and deserve to have a happy, healthy retirement. If you take on your secretive, self-centered parents your life will become a living hell.
I retired 4 years years ago and have been the sole caregiver for my mom. She lives independently but is requiring more assistance. At 89 years old she fell a couple of weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. After 7 days in rehab her insurance company decided that this 89 year old woman was improved enough to move back home on her own, with assistance. The assistance will consist of a visiting nurse and pt/ot. She's been home since Tuesday and the agency finally sent a nurse to do an eval today. PT will evaluate next week. In the meantime she has lost the strength she gained in rehab. We are having to go there 5 times a day to make sure she is up, eating, washed, dressed and taking her meds. All of which she fights tooth and nail despite the promises she made before coming home.
The reason I tell you this long story is because this is what you will face, times two. Your life will no longer be your own. Your marriage will become strained. My mom is a master manipulator and selfish as they come. The difference is that I do know her health issues, needs, long term plan and financials.
You're going into this blind.
Love your parents, get them care. But do not take this on yourself. Please enjoy your retirement. Be healthy, relaxed and guiltfree.
Good luck!
I am now 59 and was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 3 yrs ago. My mother was the victim of medical malpractice and died six weeks before her 51st birthday. I flew to the city she and my stepfather lived in and had 7 minutes talking with her and all she was talking about was all of the things she and my stepfather were going to do when they retired. There was an 11 yr age difference between the two of them and they were planning on retiring 1 yr after she died.
My stepfather waited 2 yrs from the time she died and sent a letter to all 9 of us kids and said we had 18mos, to come home and collect boxes of memorabilia he had sorted out for each of us and take anything else we wanted from their home for ourselves, after 18mos, he was selling their house and moving away. Yes, we'd be welcome to visit him in the town he was moving to along with our families, but he was going to get on with life and he did. He went on to live another 35yrs when he died of ALZ disease.
Lesson to be learned. Do not allow your parents to hold you hostage and keep you from retiring and doing what you and your DW want to do. I have imparted this wisdom on our adult children so they don't think they need to stay in the Metropolitan Area that we live in. They've been told to finish their education and pursue their dreams, get married, and concentrate on their own families. The fly in our ointment is we have a 12yr old Special Needs child, that we have to take in to consideration. Still we remain focused on enjoying the time we have to share with each other, in particular traveling with what time I have left to do that.
I have told my DW who is 8yrs younger than me, when it is time for me to go to AL/MC put me in a home 100mi from where we live and get on with life. I don't want her or any of our children, to be focusing on me, when I don't remember them, or will not remember them visiting me. I don't want them being consumed feeling that I have to remain the center of their life. We've had a great 25 yrs combing our 2yrs dating with almost 23yrs of being married.
The time has come for you and your DW to realize some very special dreams of your own, you've worked hard to get there. Enjoy it while you can. Never put off to tomorrow, what you can do today.
Happy Friday, I too am John
In my opinion, no one should assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Authority means durable power of attorney both financial and medical in the event one or both of your parents become incapacitated. It also includes living wills and a will.
Your parents refuse to discuss their lives with you. My best friend (BFF) of over 40 years is going through this right now with her parents who gave their attorney POA because they're angry she retired to a sunbelt state. They completely ignore the fact that she bought a two-family home and invited them to come there to live! Aside from their groceries and in-home help, which they already pay for, my BFF was going to cover their other expenses that currently cost a small fortune because their house is old. Her folks *chose* to decline her offer and now it's too late to undo their decision because my BFF went on with her life and rented out the other side to a lovely young family that cherishes having her as a landlord.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for your parents is to get them a consult with an elder attorney as a gift for Mother's and Father's Day.
Also, your brother is not your concern. If he chooses to involve himself or not is up to him. You have to live with yourself and your wife.
We all only get one chance at life - go ahead and live your life the way you want. If you do give in now, you will never have your own life again.
I took my mother in when we retired thinking she would go to senior daycare where they also provide respite care. She has dug her heels in and only will sit in the house watching game shows.
Her only plan for the future was one of her kids would provide for her. I carry a lot of resentment because of it. If you stay you and your wife will be resentful. You will have a better relationship with your parents if you follow through with your dreams. My only guilt is I feel bad for my husband.
If you answered no, then you need to stop listening to the manipulation. It is unfair that they want you to give up your dreams because they aren't willing to do anything differently. That's what this boils down to, they will have to assume responsibility for themselves because you aren't there to prop them up.
I personally believe if you need propping up, you need professional care. Whether they like it or not is not your concern. Parents that say they refuse to give up their independence and rely on their children to do everything but breathe and crap for them are deceived. They have no independence, they have a personal slave that props up the lie.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I get angry when parents live their lives on their terms and refuse to love and respect their offspring enough to not tie themselves around there necks and drown them if necessary to keep their lives the way they want them. It is selfish and should not be tolerated. You are a grown man with your own life and your mom obviously could care less about you and your family.
We told the family we were moving to our dream location - a 2 acre farm-ette with a large modern home in the mountains. My mother, age 80, came with us and has her own private suite. We asked Dad to come with us (he would also have his own private suite) when we put our house up for sale and reminded everyone again when an offer was made and accepted. We now live 7 hours away.
That was 4 years ago. Pop (now 92), still insisting on living alone, has had 3 major hospitalizations as he is an advanced, uncontrolled diabetic. His daughter and granddaughter see him several days/week, do chores, take him to Doc's appts, and shop for him. My husband visits quarterly for 5 days (approx 20 days/year) to do home repairs and give his sister a break with Doc's appts and shopping.
We have no regrets. If Pop wants to come live with us, he is welcome.
Live the life you want. If your parents wish to share it, welcome them.
I’d give them the option of relocating to the area and an independent living facility ( where they can transition to more care as needed) where you want to live.
It’s an easy thing to say go ahead but logically, they are not going to be on their own much longer. That means you are dumping their entire care on your sibling. Currently my sister and I take care of my mother finances and medical and it’s a lot to do, even with her in assisted living. IE they will take her to the dr but someone has to meet her there. It’s harder since my sister lives an hr away from her. Previously, I carted my mother and stepfather(ALZ) to all appointments etc by myself and it was a lot to do. Traveling to do it is really even more difficult.
The correct responses here all say to go ahead with your dreams. Do it man.
Set a date and let everyone know.
The care of my in-laws and parents fell on my wife and I five years ago.
I moved my in-laws to a local AL. Not sure I would recommend that as worthwhile. It will put stress on you when they are bored or lonely.
Although we were able to eventually put three of them in AL, my mother resisted until recently. She is by far the worst; demanding, self centered, and just plain cruel. She usually puts on a good act with outsiders and friends. When she shows her true colors the friends disappear forever. She always had these personality issues. I try to help her with her affairs, but I am not sure I would say it is out of love. More out of duty because that is the type of person I am. I do feel a little like a doormat for having done it.
I am 63. Five years ago I was healthy, going to the gym daily, rarely taking meds. Now I take meds for health issues that were no doubt caused by the stress in my life (my cardiologist agrees). These issues started when I was 62 and I had to retire. The fun I was looking forward to is gone forever.
Do it now John. You owe no one your life or health.
Find your parents a place where they will be safe and cared for. While the feeling of responsibility is noble, their happiness is not your problem. Your happiness, and that of your wife, is your responsibility. You are not selfish. Get some happiness now while you can.
I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have because 4 people decided they were more important than their children.
Hopefully when the stress is reduced some of your physical conditions will improve.
Move forward with your plans and be very transparent about them. Be VERY clear that not moving isn't an option. YOU ARE MOVING.
If (when)your parents protest, ask why they are anxious about you moving away. If it's because they need your help, offer to help them find a less stressful and taxing living arrangement (aka a senior community or in-home helpers). If you're OK with it, offer to find them a community near your new home so that you can be closer and help them more often.
When mom says you're selfish, remind her that she's selfish to expect you to change your plans, yet she won't change hers (if you have to, remind her that her plan is just to have you do everything she demands while doing nothing to compromise). Ask her what they will do to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. She likely won't be able to incorporate that into her thinking, but it will help you to say it (repeatedly). At least, it helps me : )
They have the luxury of choice. Many, many seniors can't choose home help nor senior living.
Don't deviate from your plans and your response to mom and dad. There's only one answer – "we're leaving and we'll help you find a solution to your living arrangements."
My suggestion to you would be to sit down with your wife and decide just exactly what you are willing to do for YOUR parents and communicate it to them and ask them how they plan to organize those things that you don’t agree to do. AND LIVE BY THAT.
They have had their lives and lived them as they wanted. We deserve the same.
Spend some length of time in different areas you consider amenable to your retirement lifestyle before moving.
Your parents are relatively stable right now. Go & do some of those things you want now, while your parents are the best they can be. You can adjust your travels & your relocation as their health warrants.
Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Taking vacations & relocating in retirement are not wrong.
Your parents have some anxiety & worry about your plans. That is normal. Assure them they are not being abandoned & you can work things out as needs arise.
Enjoy your retirement & adventures!
If if I had to do all over again, and I would have suggested she go into a nice AL situation after my dad died 7 hrs ago. She would have friends and would have a life with people in similar situations as she. If she didn’t want to go, then I would have said “Okay - But I’m not going to be accessible 24/7 365 days a year”. I guarantee she would have made a different decision than what she is doing now. If your parents are capable of making decisions, then go forth and enjoy your retirement or you will be upset that you let yourself get into a frustrating situation.
I have a daughter who is a junior in college and she speaks often about moving clear across the country to the west coast. Naturally, I hate the idea that she might settle there, but if that's her dream, I wouldn't think of discouraging her. I hope I feel the same way when I'm elderly.