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You need to do what is right for you and spouse. I'm thinking when you got married there was some thing in the ceremony about "leaving your father and mother and cleaving to your wife". Good idea. How would things be different if you had been in this other state for the past 26 years? I guess they would expect you to move to where they are. Sounds like they didn't bother to make plans. I would say give them brochures for continuing care retirement communities, but I'm thinking at their age they won't be allowed in. That would have been a good plan. The way you describe your parents, particularly mom, I can see why your brother is backing away. You can read what we all have to say, but may I suggest a few sessions with a marriage and family therapist. A third party with experience and training in this area can really help your figure out what you want to do.
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Harpcat Mar 2019
I agree with this advice. I’m a big fan of a third party who is objective and can help you see the big picture. And help you work through why you feel obligated or "guilt" as you are calling it.
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My answer is short and sweet. Live your life with no regrets. You have earned it!
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I think you should move. I would look into AL facilities near where you are moving. Since they are financially solvent they could afford this. This is what I did with my mother. She actually is much happier in this different state and facility as am I (different state not facility for me). If they want your assistance then that is what you can provide meaning proximity to each other. If not then they will have to figure out their needs for the future and since they don't seem all that nurturing you needn't be weighted down with guilt.
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If you haven't had the best of relationship over the years, don't expect that to change -- ever. That only happens in sappy movies. Not trying to be cynical. Just saying, you already have plans. If you give them up, you will become bitter and full of resentment.
Parents should not expect their children to care for them when they age; they should plan so they don't have to.
I've told my kids DO NOT take care of me when I age. I don't want them to have that burden.
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lmb1234 Mar 2019
Unfortunately, my 96 year old mother told me the same thing when she was about my age. But, she then developed dementia/Alzheimer's and that rationality went out the window. It is really tragic when the body outlives both the mind and will to want to do anything other than sit in a recliner watching TV all day and/or dialing for dollars on the phone to anyone whose number she still has the ability to dial with very arthritic fingers. Then, when she ends up going into voicemail (most of the time, who really answers their phone anymore, particularly the grands), she claims "something is wrong with my phone so you need to come over to fix it." It's a never ending cycle but you can and must be selfish to a degree as well, setting boundaries and not always being available at their beck and call. Too many stories on this forum which say the same thing.
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Do not fall for the manipulation, she will live exactly like she does now, on her terms.

Move and enjoy your hard earned retirement.
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yes, your parents have lived life on their terms. You are entitled to the same thing. You can live your life on your terms. Please don’t feel guilty moving away. They have had time to prepare for this. They have had time to prepare for when the times comes that they can’t take care of themselves. If they failed to make plans and incorrectly m assumed you would give up your life for them, that’s their decision to live with. Not yours.
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This was just discussed on another thread about the couple having to move 350 miles away for financial reasons and parents not being cooperative in their future care.

You said it "parents have always lived on their terms". Your marriage comes first. Make your plans and don't involve them until the plans have been made and you r ready to leave. Check out resources in ur area. Call ur local Office of Aging and see what they offer. Mine has a nice little booklet. Get one for you and brother if they have one. With modern technology you maybe able to do a lot from a distance. Coming home when you need to.

My opinion, if you don't do what you want, your parents will drain you. Sounds like no one has POA so this will make things so hard if they become incompetent. I would do what I wanted and worry about the rest as it happens.
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Whey would you sacrifice your retirement plans to stay geographically close to parents who are not forthcoming with you about their plans for the future?

Folks who age successfully plan financially for their futures and genuinely do not want to be a burden to their children. They can hire a geriatric care manager. They can stay in touch with you via phone and email and if they sign a HIPAA release, you can be involved long distance on medical discussions and decisions. They can move to be close to YOUR retirement locale.

I would not fall for their manipulation.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2019
I would not want them close. Looks like they could be demanding. Don't think at their ages a big move would be good for them.
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