I'm visiting for a week and don't want to cause friction with anyone. I think caregiver is overwhelmed and is perhaps not as respectful as should be, to the point of causing unnecessary stress. I can't take over Dad's care yet, although I would like to in the future. Caregiver will not accept any suggestions as to how to speak more carefully. I however can not bear to listen when he yells at him for walking too far or for anything else that would be alright if he weren't so frail. If I just walk away he sees that as ME disrespecting HIM the caregiver. I guess I could just sit there and make eye contact with my Dad so he knows I love him. Dad has a personality disorder that makes him extremely depressed whenever he is disparaged or disrespected, he also has an impulse control problem and could go the other way, becoming quite angry himself. I thought perhaps I could do a little strip tease just to distract them, but that would only work once if at all. One of the biggest issues is explaining why we don't want him to drive, and the other is we are afraid that in his gullible impulse control state, someone will talk him out of all his money. He has mild to moderate vascular dementia that is sporadic. So it is difficult to watch the caregiver who will not taking the steps to watch the special how to videos on how to deal with someone. He just says I don't know anything because I am not there often enough. I know that whenever they get into a shouting match, my father is sick in bed the next day, so he's paying a price for this. I also know the caregiver is giving 100% of his time and effort and his "best." except for the not wanting to learn anything new in how to deal with the emotions of his patient. Caregiver is also family member and has POA. Any advice would be sorely appreciated.
I am beginning to feel that so many families are torn apart during caregiving situations over misunderstandings. The stakes are so high (a mistake can take a life!) that intentions are over analyzed and over rated, and we are very suspicious of everyone's motives. I find myself doing it and then reminding myself, hey this is my brother, I know him, I know he means well..... we just need to communicate better. (And one of us needs to lighten the f...k up! LOL)
Sharon, the trouble with more distant siblings offering to take over is that, to do the job safely, you need to be used to the routine and care needs of the person being looked after - so it's very hard for me, for example, to relax and let other family members look after my mother. I'm afraid they'll drop her, or bruise her, or give her something to eat that'll upset her stomach. It's not just a matter of control, or "chilling out, dude" - you really do have to know what you're doing when you're looking after a 1924 model. And the thing is, if they bring her back and her gut is upset, or she's become very confused, or the skin on her shins has been damaged, or any of the other hundred-and-one small things that can go wrong - guess who has to clear up the mess? It makes handing over more trouble than it's worth. Not before time, I have found a brilliant facility that will take my mother for one week's respite care every few months, and that week off is a lifeline for me. The difference is that I can leave her in very good hands and walk away knowing she will be completely safe; if it were any of my siblings in charge, I don't think I'd sleep all week.
But I agree with you both, that very few things are more infuriating for a full-time caregiver than people chipping in their twopenn'orth of advice without first trying to understand the reality of a situation. TINT is trying to, that's the point.
Hm, there's a thought… TINT, is your father fit enough to go away on vacation anywhere? A week or two somewhere he'd enjoy? That would give your brother a week off without his having to go to any trouble or expense, if you or others were able to accompany your dad. You'd need to find a specialist resort, probably, but there are places that cater for people with disabilities. Just an idea.
Don't go in like a General making demands and statements about what is wrong. Start with what is going well. A few compliments before a suggestion may go a long way.
Sharon
My husband is one of six siblings. When his mom needed something, phone calls were made. It wasn't easy for everyone to get together at one time, and we all only lived, at most, an hour apart. But phones were used and problems were solved. And not all of the siblings get along that well, but when push came to shove, what needed to get done got done, and by everyone.
Oh how I envy that because I am an only child and have no one to share the burden with.
Be thankful for all of your family members. Try to work together.
Sharon
I have a similar situation with a SIL (wife of favourite son, alas), who whenever she sees my mother tries to roust her up and motivate her, and behind my back tells anyone who will listen that I'm under too much stress and 'too close to the situation' and 'over protective'… It drives me up the wall and makes my very frail, mentally frail, depressive mother even more miserable and self-loathing. I think SIL sincerely believes that if mother pulled herself together and acquired some moral fibre, she'd be right as rain and going for brisk walks in the good country air. What's a little heart failure, kidney disease, stroke, arthritis and dementia between friends, after all?
But, for my lovely nephews and my children, their relationships with one another are all at stake here. I am grateful for your wake-up call.
emotions
You're right, your father does have a right to squander money, right up to the point where he ceases to understand the decisions involved and/or impoverishes himself so that it begins to impair his quality of life (plus don't forget all the regulations around wilful divestment and what have you).
But in any case if your father is emotionally vulnerable, and your brother is a bit vague around financial management, and the pair of them together could make a right pig's breakfast of all this…
Call a family conference. When you say you're 'not ready yet but would like to' take care of your father, is that a wish or a plan? Hint: it had better be a plan.
You don't say who this 'caregiver' is. One would assume s/he's a brother/sister?
At any rate, caregiving is exponentially exhausting, both mentally and physically. To see an adult act childlike, especially a loved one, is extremely hard on the psyche.
You get to go home soon. The caregiver does not.
I fear I may have hit too many topics and so I apologize if this is hard to follow.
I agree with what I think you suspect - that he's drowning and can't recognise, let alone admit, that he needs help with his increased caregiving role. This is very difficult for you, I sympathise.
All I'm asking is how can I sit through an altercation without taking sides? Especially since in my head I have. - I do feel that he is ignoring avenues of help, has money that he won't spend. We could guess that Caregive knows that I feel that way and so is ultra sensitve, but it doesn't help the situation.
I tried to boil it down to some concise facts, thanks very much for reading this.
They're both terribly stressed, aren't they. First of all, congratulations for being so thoughtful about their situation, recognising how hard things are for your brother as well as too rough on your dad.
But he mustn't yell, not in whole sessions like that. Really he mustn't, it's abuse. I understand that you've tried to talk to him and he's not prepared to hear you, very difficult. I don't know: could you try recording a shouting match, leaving your brother alone with it and saying "seriously, just listen to yourself, that's all." I really do sympathise with him, I raise my voice too and regret it, and I get angry and stressed too. The important thing is for him to know where his buttons are so that he can react differently.
The huge difficulty you have, of course, as pointed out above, is that you're a back seat caregiver and have to be incredibly tactful - but I know you already know that. That doesn't mean you're not entitled to an observer's opinion, though, and to speak up constructively when necessary.
Don't do the "it's ok Dad" conspiratorial wink thing, though - if your brother sees that he will go justifiably bat-sh1t, as my daughters would put it, and so would I. Nothing is more infuriating than someone nudge-nudging behind your back.
Phew. It sounds as if your brother is exactly where I was about a year ago, when mother had a broken wrist and we were adjusting to her still recent-ish dementia diagnosis. She would not do anything to help herself stay safe. She rocketed around the house, two further trips to ER with a cut head and face that looked as if I'd taken a rolling pin to her, and no matter how I pleaded with her, explained the dangers, begged her to call me whenever she needed anything… gosh I'm getting stressed just thinking about it.
Anyway. NOW, of course, I realise that the reason she was agreeing and then immediately doing the exact opposite of what she had promised not five minutes before was… da-DAH! - that she was suffering from dementia, and that all of that breath I had spent on lecturing her was a total waste. Not to mention the tears, rage, terror and chest pains. Might as well not have bothered.
What your brother needs to get, is that he is wasting his breath. I am not blaming him for not realising that, because even once you do know it still takes quite a long time to take it TRULY on board and stop suspecting that your parent can understand perfectly well when they want to. Your father doesn't comply with your brother's safety-and-welfare rules because your father doesn't believe that the risk is there, or doesn't remember that the risk is there, or both. He isn't being wilful. Well! - he may also be being wilful. But basically he genuinely does not see the problem.
When you say your father's 'walking too far' do you mean inside the house, or going out of doors and out-walking his strength and coming home wiped out? If keeping a closer eye on him indoors is an issue, the alarms they use in care homes are the only things that helped me. You carry a monitor with you, your parent wears a wristwatch button which he can press (he won't!) when he wants something, but also you can get pressure pads that go on chairs, beds, strategic sites on the floor under the carpet and so on, and when they're triggered the alarm goes off so you know when they've 'escaped' again. Life saver for me, I must say. My mother says "I can't get away with ANYTHING."
I also have a close match with your brother in that I don't think I realised how exhausted I was. You get sort of determined to win? If you try hard enough and think of enough brilliant strategies and arguments, then by sheer force of will you can get your parent to understand and comply. Obviously, I don't mean that you consciously look at it this way, but I think that's what I was trying to do.
I think the idea of arranging relief care is a great idea, I'm just not sure how it's going to play with your brother - be careful. But do get some info on in-home alarm systems, they really are a pressure valve. Best of luck x
You wrote that you can't take over your father's care yet, but you're not entirely satisfied with the existing caregiver. Without sounding condescending, I think perhaps you don't really understand how stressed the caregiver is and aren't seeing the whole picture.
If you want to be a part of your father's care, it would help to start doing something as soon as you can and relieve the burden for the existing caregiver, who you say is spending 100% of his time caring for your father.
This probably sounds harsh, but having been the sole caregiver for my father and knowing how others in a similar position feel, I honestly think you're not in a position to criticize unless you're willing to step up to the plate and help care for your father, ASAP.