My father had a stroke and is now completely helpless and my responsibility, but I can't stand visiting him. What do I do?

I would say you are the opposite of a 'terrible person'; you are a very good person for making sure your father was placed in a safe Memory Care AL where he'd be cared for properly and not left alone to wither away. You took the high road, in spite of his abuse & cruelty towards you in the past. It seems to me that the people who were meanest in life wind up with dementia and lots of hardships later on in life as elders; have you noticed that yourself? My mother has always been a big bully herself & was diagnosed with progressive dementia over 5 years ago, living in a Memory Care AL now too. Odd how things like that come around to bite these bullies on their arses, isn't it? Not that I would wish dementia on my worst enemy, I wouldn't, but I have no say in how a person's life turns out.

I think you should limit the time you spend with your father, especially if his behavior towards you is aggressive and you find him repulsive. When you do visit & he keeps at you about 'going home', just tell him 'when the doctor says you can go home, THEN we'll discuss it. Until then, you will remain here on doctor's orders.' That seems to be a standard response you can use each & every time with him. Blame the doctor. Then beat a hasty retreat OUT of there. Dementia and dementia-like behavior is a difficult thing to deal with even when the elder has a sweet disposition, never mind when they're acting like a caveman towards you!

I only spend about 45 minutes with my mother when I do go visit her in the MC. There's only so much to talk about, and only so many times I can answer the same question about where the dead relatives are! When you do go to see dad for a visit, bring photos and snacks to keep him diverted and from asking repeated questions continuously.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. FWIW, my mother is 95 with advanced dementia & more issues than Newsweek. I have no doubt she'll hang on till she's 100 and I've had to jump thru the Medicaid hoops to get her placed in a nursing home with a roommate when her $$$$ runs out, God help me. Like Billy Joel says, only the good die young.

I think you should get counseling to survive your years of abuse, and that's where your energy should go, into your own healing. Your Dad is in care. I can imagine that you do have feelings when you see him going through as much helplessness as you once felt yourself. Those feelings are best combed through with a skilled therapist.
You will know you are healed when you can think of your father as a flawed human being you had the misfortune to be matched with during years you were helpless, when you know that you are NOT helpless now and can help yourself, live a quality life, and prevent this from happening in your own future.
Forgiveness and Forgetting are not the same things. Please get help. Your Dad is in care, now, as you say, and has help. It is of little import to me whether you visit him or you do not. It is important to me that you seek professional help for yourself. My best out to you.

"Dad is not liking his new living situation in a memory care facility"

I know this sounds heartless, but too bad. First, he has Dementia and most want to go home. He is lucky that you took on the responsibility of finding him a nice place. Problem is, Dementia keeps him from realizing this. As an abusive parent you don't owe him anything. You don't have to visit him. He is in a safe place with people and things to do. If he doesn't take advantage of that, that is on him not you. Forgiving is for your wellbeing but don't forget. If you seem to be the reason for his agitation visit very little. Maybe just check in. Ask the staff how he is after you leave. Do they have problems with him. If so, there's ur reason for not visiting.

Yes, you are a good person to have done this much. I am a big believer in what goes around comes around.

There is much I can relate to here, both in the initial post and the responses. Appreciate the whole thread. It causes me to reflect on the staff who work in these facilities. Day in, day out - taking care of the people we have so many issues with. Let's remember them with kindness for the work they do. These placements couldn't happen without them.

I would normally suggest looking for another care facility for your father if the quality of care in the one he's in is questionable.
Is it a decent place? Is it clean and does he get good care? Does the staff encourage the residents to take part in social activities?
If your father is in a decent place and he isn't acclimating and accepting it, there's nothing anyone can do. You can move him to a different facility every week and it will make no difference.
I totally understand why you're disgusted and don't want to visit him.
There's a history of abuse. The stroke and dementia that followed was not responsible for his abusive behavior and bullying towards you, your mom, and your brother. History does not rewrite itself because an abusive person gets sick.
What does your brother think? Does he visit him? Does your mother?
You don't have to visit him because you don't owe him anything. Please don't beat yourself up with guilt over a situation that is beyond your control. Don't be ashamed of your feelings either and think they should be different.
My father had a stroke when he was almost 91. Prior to that he had never been sick in his life and was still living completely independently. He had to go into a nursing home. Less than a year later he died. I was not close to my father and neither were my siblings. He was a very selfish person who lived his life for himself. I did right by him and stayed on top of the nursing home to make sure he was being decently cared for. This was not out of any great love or affection for him, but because the nursing home was getting big money to care for him, and all human beings deserve to be decently cared for when they are in need.
I never had a moment of guilt about not caring for him myself and I've been a caregiver for 25 years. You shouldn't have any guilt or regret either.
You did right by your father by putting him in a facility. Giving a person what they need is often very different than giving them what they want. Your father is getting what he needs in te care facility.

Wow…

I was in a similar situation with my Dad. He was abusive to me and my Mom. He was a nasty person.

On October 28th of last year, Dad had a stroke—left brain decline, right side paralysis. He wasn’t taking his meds regularly and had a bad diet. He argues whenever we are trying to explain the risks.

After his stroke, I was told he needed to do a theraphy. We were given two options: home visit or nursing home. I took the 2nd option because of our (mom, husband and I) complicated work schedules.

Once admitted at the nursing home, my Dad was demanding to be placed back to ICU because he said he wants high-tech “machines” around him. My Dad is afraid to die. He also said that I should move him into a high-tech facility (he only had partnership, no retirement because he never work here in the US, no savings), so there’s no way we can afford it.

3 weeks later, Dad’s theraphy isn’t working. His paralysis that started on his right arm, now has also affected his ability to stand up. He became wheelchair bound. This made him so depressed and angry that in his 4 weeks at the facility, he started telling eveyone at the facility that I was abusing him back when he was still at our house. He said that I broke his finger, hit his head, isolated him and accused him of stealing money (he actually did steal money from my Mom, we caught him). The facility reported me to APS but they closed his case because he no longer lives with us. My Dad also told the social workers that he prefers living at the nursing home but later insinuated that he wants to return at our house.

I did weekly visit to him but during one of my visit, he had a meltdown. He started screaming telling everyone that I am a bad daughter, a liar and that he is done talking to me. Because he was hard of hearing, I had to raise my voice to calm him down but some of the Asian staff (we are Asian too) thought that I was verbally abusing him. From there on, Dad has begun telling more lies about me which gotten to the point where the facility advised me that whenever I need to visit him that I should have a standby witness for my Dad’s “protection”.

My Dad’s nasty behavior only gotten worst when a witness was present, he was cursing at me and my Mom (who could only facetime him). He took advantage of the situation and keep adding more lies about me being an abusive daughter. He also told the witness that I am a fake person, and was only pretending to be nice. While I was talking to the witness about whether if my Dad is involved in any activity, my Dad assumed that I was convincing the witness to take my side. He was so outrage that he yelled at me to SHUT UP!. Because of his behavior, I decided not to see him the following week.

However, on January 9 of this year. I got a call from a hospital. I was made aware that my Dad was admitted at the ER for throwing up blood and abdominal pain. That same day, he had a massive stroke and the damage it caused was irreversible. He lost the ability to eat, and talk. He ended up in a vegetative state and almost all parts of his body was swelling too. Days later, he tested positive for COVID but was returned to the nursing home. He died on the 19th.

After his death, his relatives were accusing and blaming us of his death. They made side remarks, was complaining about how I handled my Dad’s burial, and was rudely talking to us on the day of my Dad’s burial. They can say whatever they want to say but I don’t care anymore. We are free now that’s what matter most.

When my Dad was still alive, he put me and my Mom’s life through hell. Now that he is gone, I felt like a major burden has been lifted from my shoulder. He was lazy, alcoholic, an emotional vampire and an abusive person. I’m glad it’s over.

You will overcome this, you don’t need to see him if you don’t want to. Nobody can forced you. You need this time apart to focus more on your life and happiness. I know that sounds horrible but you must put yourself first.

This may sound harsh but, Do not feel guilty! I was married to an abuser for 40+ yrs. I left him for 2 months, was planning on filing for divorce then he was diagnosed with a rare disease. He was my children's father and i felt i owed it to my children to care for their father in his last years so i went back and took care of him knowing i'd need to serve a bit more time so my girls didn't have to. I owed it to them, not him. I did a good job, despite him refusing to let anyone in the home to help me. I kept smiling through it all, but when he passed i honestly felt nothing but happiness and relief. I never shed 1 tear because he was not worth it. I've not missed him 1 day in 9 years. I only did it for my children. Otherwise i would have walked away and let the chips of Karma fall where they might. He was very lucky to have me.
Don't listen to those preaching forgiveness. The abuser is not worth your time or thoughts. Forgiving for yourself only forces you to think about the abuser and all he put you and your mom through. Dont waste your time on him. He's darned lucky to have you visit. Sounds like he was only a sperm donor.
Again, do NOT feel guilty. Fill your world with happiness and try to forget about him. If you're uncomfortable visiting, then don't! If you feel the need to visit, limit your visit to no more than a few minutes and as you're walking out the MC door, take 5 deep breathes and go do something fun. YOU deserve it. My mom was a bully and abuser as well. Not to just her children but to other members of her family. I visit her in MC, listening to her tell me she wants out of there, while being nice to her, taking her cookies, spending 30 min with her 1x week. Then i do as i suggested...i leave memory care with a fun plan. To take 5 deep breathes while walking to my car. Once in my car, i roll the window down a couple of inches put my head back for 30 seconds going to my tropical island, then start the car and go meet a friend for lunch, shop for groceries or whatever I want or need to do and come home to my sweetest fur babies.
That's all the time you're abuser deserves from you.
Good luck and DON'T. FEEL. GUILTY!

You can grieve his being in MC or you can think it serves him right, but the ultimate truth is that there is really no choice about it. Let him be unhappy; there is little here to be happy about. Tell him you are sorry, but this is the only choice for his safety now; tell yourself that also. And you have a right to vent. It lets some steam off. A terrible person would not CARE about any of this; guilt belongs to felons. The other G-word is grief. Grief for him and for yourself as well. Allow yourself to just feel it, own it; not everything can be fixed, not at ANY time of life, and especially not now.

My mother was a horrible human being and dementia only makes it worse. My brother and I talk about this weekly and sometimes even daily as we deal with her and other people's opinion about how we should feel or treat her. I rarely visit her but most of her judgement was and is directed at me rather than him. He also dislikes her but has a little more patience. Neither of us feel sorry for her. However I was surprised how able I was to muster sympathy when she broke her hip and was drugged up and hallucinating. When she got back to herself I stopped visiting. Both of us see a counselor where we also dump our feelings out. These feelings unfortunately don't go away. You just have to acknowledge and process over and over. Good luck. I don't see any reason for you to place blame on yourself. You just need to process the feelings and know this is normal. It is simply what is needed.

Many people here are feeling the same way including myself about my mother. She never gave a minute's concern when I needed her help. She was a difficult mother and an absent grandmother. I make sure she has what she needs and is cared for. I will not deal with her myself. I may or may not see her once a week. All her supplies, food & meds are delivery. I set up her home doctor appts & fill her pillboxes 5 weeks at a time. She has part time caregivers. All my family including my sister says give her a chance to miss you.

Your dad is cared for, set more boundaries. Check in with the staff occasionally and if there is an issue they will call you.

We are called to see that our parents are cared for. This does not mean we actually need to be present or hands on.