Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Sibling lives in Colorado. She is trying to give me the guilt trip. She believes I don't care about our dad, because I'm not willing to give up my job to care for him. I'm tired of feeling guilty and made like I don't care. I don't know what to do.
Wish I had a dollar for how many times I heard and read that some family members are very free with giving advice from afar, but never get around to dirtying their own hands. My response would be to tell your sister that since she has all the answers she is free to put them to good use. You will put your father on the next plane to Colorado! And then hang up the phone and don't respond to her calls, at least in the short term. That way she cannot continue to try - and it would appear to succeed - in sending you on guilt trips.
I finally DID tell my 2 siblings that since they had better ideas than I did, I'd let them have a crack at it.
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Yes, this requires a calm discussion with your sibling AND dad about needs, expectations, ramifications, etc. More info would be helpful:
Has your father asked for in-home care? Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person? What is his prognosis? What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
"Gee sis, if I had a million dollar bank account I "might" consider helping out with dad but unfortunately I live in the real world and I have a life and obligation here so I am not the solution to this problem. Lets try and brainstorm some realistic options." If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Has your father asked for in-home care?
Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person?
What is his prognosis?
What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
Being 85 I resent my "children" making life decisions without consulting me. Nagging is OK, decisions on my life isn't.
You don't mention the type of cancer, so he may be just fine, my husband had cancer for 12 years before he died.