So I’ll try and condense this a little. For 4 years I took care of my mom who has vascular dementia. She is 95. Lady year as things got more difficult she went to a retirement home with assisted at 6k a month which we covered 4K of it and pension covered rest.
Then she was starting to get worse and she went into assisted living where once again we covered the extra money while we wait for long term care. Now she’s finally in long term care and the. Are there is what she needs as she needs help with everything.
I feel like I need to step back and not do 3 visits a week but once as week as my physical and mental health is so bad from all this stress but I feel bad even though I’ve done everything for her. How do I resolve that with myself?
It's okay to take care of yourself. Your guilt comes partly from the trauma that you have endured in taking care of her and managing everything. There's no glory in martyrhood to our sick old parents. I had that for a while but got rid of it by adjusting my thinking to realize that I mattered as much as they did.
If I can come to a different way of thinking, so can you! Visit mom one day a week. Go out for ice cream on the other two days. You'll feel better and she won't know the difference.
My daughter works NHs and she told me "you don't need to visit everyday" you need a break. You need to let your mind and body rest. You have done enough. Once a week is enough.
Like is said on this forum often is that people tend to get the word guilt and grief mixed up. What you are feeling is grief that you are losing the mom that you love and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
That is quite normal and must be called what it is....grief, not guilt.
So remove the guilt word from your vocabulary, you've done your very best you could for your mom.
I will however reiterate what others on here said and that is a child should never use their own money to pay for their parents care, as there will come a point in your own life that you will need it for your own care.
Medicaid is for those folks that can't afford to pay for their own care.
And as far as not going so often, I must agree that you visit if and when you feel up to it.
Your mental and physical health is just as important as your moms. If she were in her right mind she would never want you suffering because of her. Please know that.
So start now taking better care of yourself and know that your mom is also being taken care of, as that is what you/your mom are paying for.
God bless you.
Give a short call once or twice a day to check in.
It is a kind of hubris to ask yourself to be super-human.
I am so sorry for all your grief.
I do always ask people not to use their own money in support of others to this extent unless they are very wealthy indeed. There will come a time when you, yourself need care. You will not want to be dependent on others. Sadly it takes a lifetime to prepare for the fact that we often, today, live too long. If you are only this site any amount of time you will get some idea of the costs of care, and the inability of many to be able to afford it.
Take care of yourself; know you deserve that.
Mom is being cared for.
You need to take care of your mental and physical health
(I don't know why you are paying for her facility...Medicaid could be covering)