Is anyone else feeling sad this Christmas?

When Mother and I arrived at my home (5hr drive) my son's wife snubbed me and took my new grandson and son and left for a couple of hours. All I wanted to do when I arrived was hold my precious grandson. I totally lost it. Cried, screamed and just left the house and drove around sobbing. Called my daughter in NC and talked to her. She tried to calm me down, but I was beyond calming. Called my brother who live 2 hrs from my house and was having Christmas at his house for his family and told him he HAD to come and get our mother. He had planned to come for a couple hours Christmas Day to see her. I guess my sobbing scared him so he agreed to come today and keep her until Friday. She was so excited to go to his house as he never invites her there. I do appreciated him doing this, but resent that I had to have a total breakdown for him to realize I needed help. I have since calmed down but put all the stuff I had drug out to decorate and put it away. The kids are going to her parents with the baby until Friday, so figured there was no reason to decorate. Planning on resting and watching TV all day Christmas. This is the weirdest Christmas in my life, but I feel fine about it. Merry Christmas and Holidays to all my caregiver friends.

What in the world, brinoz? That was really extreme for them to have left.

Binoz - does that DIL have any idea how her behavior came off to you and affected you?? Can your son talk to her and tell her hey, my mom just wanted to hold that grandbaby more than anything else in the world and feels like her happiest moment just got ripped away from her?

I ALMOST decided not to decorate and this would be the year I just put all the stuff back in the attic untouched. I had gotten it down at the beginning of Advent but had almost no time due to work, and friends who needed visited (one lost his leg and is in subacute rehab right now) and definitely no help. My son and husband who live with me are too lazy to help decorate - it isn't for them, its for me. Well, I put up the tree last night. That may be all that gets done, besides presents - after all people and worship services do come first - but all I could think of was how when my grandmother stopped decorating it was the beginning of the end. Hugs and sympathy!!

This just plain sucks. My FIL (dad) has been super nasty when the kids opened their gifts. He even said, "He's getting that?!" in regard to my love's autistic son getting a kindle tablet (he already has an ipad at his other house). It just sucked all of the joy out of the holiday. I hate being excited and having a naysayer there. I HATE it. It changes my brain chemistry. We are trying so hard to present our children with the sweet santa life and he is right there by design, so ready to offer criticism. HATING IT.

FIL is jealous and doesn't have enough of a filter to put the brakes on giving voice to it. Sad for him he is jealous of a kid with autism, that's a tough row to hoe in life. I know what you mean by it sucking the joy out. Somehow you have to convince yourself the criticism is unjustified. And it is, if that helps any.

Stand behind him, make silly ugly faces and totally mock him until he turns around to glare at you and then SMILE. Then give him a present he might really like, even if its a stinky cigar and a half bottle of bad bourbon. Just my $0.02.

I have been sad every Christmas since I don’t know when. When I reached puberty and was becoming really aware of the real world. Ever since I feel very melancholy at Christmas time. This is the first time in about twenty years there is a tree up in the living room and that’s only because of my mother who I’m sure this Christmas will be her last one that she is aware of. I hate Alzheimer’s and have begun to realize the speed at which it starts to really destroy the brain. My mom has gotten so much worse since May, I just cannot believe how fast this has happened. But, in the giant scheme of things I guess it’s no worse than any other misfortune in life. Sooner or later something gets us all and there’s not a d*mn thing one can do about it. It’s just life.

lpapagno, vascular dementia like my mom had sucked pretty bad too. I think it may not have been as bad as most Alzheimer's because she did recognize familiar loved ones up until the end, but then she worried a lot too. Not everybody goes through this bad dementia stuff like we do/did. There are other bad things going on the world now - like those children gunned down in Pakistan - and it makes you question even trying to find joy in Christmas, but truth be told you are right, there has always been bad stuff. Like a little over a week from now we commemorate the slaughter of the Holy Innocents...and of course our Jesus was born into an occupied country in a really bad situation too, except He had a loving mom and dad at least. So I guess Christmas is coming every year into whatever mess we have made of the world, and we need to go ahead and make lemonade out of those lemons and not feel bad about scrounging up whatever little joys and moments we can for us and our loved ones. You are making the right move to decorate "for Mom" but hey - next year, whatever is going on with Mom, do it for you too.

I have a facebook friend who posted on the school massacre and also put up a picture of two little puffball baby owls - she just felt they were consoling and excessively cute and did it to remind herself and the rest of us, that the world may be all screwed up, largely by us humans, but it can also produce incredibly cute little baby owls. Sad-funny kind of post, I liked it a lot. So, I wish you some baby owls in your life and some more chances to make good memories and have some joy even with Mom declining. Big hugs...and oh yeah, BTW - if you LIKED Alzheimer's there would really be something seriously wrong with you besides just a little melancholy.

Brinoz, that is just so rude of your DIL and son to leave like that. Your son should have known better. He could have said, "Mom, go ahead and see my new baby. I will watch Grandma." It's that simple. A couple of minutes to an hour (if that's the most he can handle Grandma). They over-reacted. Sounds like someone was fuming while you were enroute home. By the time you arrived, that someone blew up. And I say someone - because it could be DIL or both of them. I would have been just as pissed off as you were. If you still have access to email to your son, why don't you send him a SUBTLE email of how disappointed and hurt you were to not even have a chance to see and carry HIS new son. Whatever you do - make it Subtle but do Not Overdo the Guilt trip. Don't be too emotional or accusing. Any tug of war, his wife will always win. You don't want to burn the bridge of seeing your grandson. Just a subtle reminder to your son that you really wanted to see HIS child (note - not Your grandchild). This emphasis will let him know that you want to see His child - about him - and not about you. Do I make sense? {{Hugs}}

Yes Jessie, I know how you feel, I think a lot of us do - maybe even most. I have zero holiday feeling! Too much stress for too long. The doctor says any day now for my mama. She will be 92 in January so she really has had a long, and for the most part, good and fulfilling life. It's the soul-sucking disease of Alzheimers that is shadowing everything else. My dad will be 86 in March and he is just burnt out.
He is just not ready to let her go. We spent the day together, with my son and granddaughter who is 5. Daddy and I spoke about mama passing and how we will honestly feel....Relief, scared (esp. him for the future) and sad. I was glad for the distraction of my GD...she is a happy little girl and full of energy and I think that helped all of us out. Holiday spirit? No....mostly just a deep and abiding sadness. I'm not even really depressed, just tired of this stupid disease over-taking our lives. I used to complain about mama's meanness (when she was in the middle stage) but the silence of the final stage is awful. She cannot move, eat or drink. It is as if this very frail statue has replaced her. I will be happy to have all of the holidays over just so that I don't have to feel the need to try and 'enjoy' myself.

Sad because it will be my first Christmas without my mother, she died this past May.

Army, think good thoughts, cry a bit and let it out, thoughts and prayers are with you on this Christmas Eve

I am new to this page. I am very, very depressed, I know how you feel. Just me and my 91 year old beautiful bed ridden mother. I have two teen daughters, I had to leave for a few moments so I could cry

Hugs ((((Italiangirl)))). I can tell you love your mother. I wish they could stay well until their last day on earth, then the Lord would take them fast. I was thinking today about how people think caregiving is like having a child. I thought about how we watch as our loved one slowly leaves us and realize it is not like having a child at all. I think long-term caregivers are remarkable, because they couldn't hold up under it if they weren't. I think it is totally okay to cry. I remind myself that death only happens here on earth and the spirit just crosses over. It makes it easier for me.

Thanks for all the kind words. My DIL just does not like me. She has complete control of my son and my husband. Since I'm never here, she has taken over my home. She holds the baby over their heads also. It is a bad situation but there is nothing I can do. I have tried. Don't want to hurt my son as he can see how sad I am and can't do a darn thing. Husband wants to keep the access to the baby that he has. Right now there is no solution. After I place my mother, I will have time to work on this. Now, I'm just trying to keep the family together. DIL had a very dysfunctional childhood; mother abandoned her at 2 and her dad remarried 4 more times. I think she just dislikes all women. I NEVER cross her or try to get the upper hand as it just wouldn't work. I'm trying to be as happy as I can. What else can we all do?

Italiangirl002, just stick with this group and we all will give you encouragement and hope. See a Dr. for the depression. That will help, as I am much better now with antidepressant meds. You sound like a wonderful person that loves her Mom and daughters. Hang in there, things always get better.Don't feel bad about crying, I do it daily, helps clear the soul.

It's 1.30 a.m. Christmas eve/Christmas morning. Strangely, here in SW Ontario we have no snow but it's been raining all day and the wind is howling across the fields. My dad passed 15 years ago (his birthday was boxing day), my mother is in a nursing home and out of it. There's no other family so it's just me and my critters.

"Nothing is stirring, not even a mouse" ... all the critters are sleeping and I guess I should get to bed but I haven't been sleeping well the past week. I don't have the Christmas spirit but I'm not sad or lonely either, just seeming to trudge through each day until the start of a new year. In the past couple of days a friend lost her mother and another friend lost her beloved old dog.

I've prepared the trimmings, I'll roast the turkey and continue painting the bathroom. For so many Christmas is just a time to get past the best we can.

Well, Christmas festivities are over. It turned out to be very good. My nephew brought his fiancee. They are so in love that it was sweet. Full of food and family at the moment. My nephew and his fiancee did look a bit confused when Mom asked them for the third or fourth time about when they were getting married. They understood, though, and just answered each time. I don't think anyone could have picked a better wife for the young man. She is special.

Thank goodness Christmas is almost over. My husband, my rock, broke down and cried tonight. This is only the 2nd time in 32 years I have seen him cry. Our lives have been turned upside down these last 3 years. I have been caring for my mother five hours from my home, our son who we had such high hopes for got his girlfriend pregnant and now they are living in our basement with our beautiful grandson. We love this baby so much. He has been the only bright spot in our lives for 3 years. Now we have found out his mother has asked our son for an "open relationship". We are scared to death that she will bolt and take our precious grandson. My husband has been trying to keep everything together, but the stress of me gone, son's life compromised and the possibility of losing our most precious grandson has been more than he can take. It breaks my heart to see my husband so broken. I need to be with him and hopefully this will happen soon. I am planning on putting my mother in assisted living Jan. 15, which on it's own, is tearing me apart. Please pray for our family as we are broken and need strength to go on. Thank you all for your love and friendship.

brinoz, I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I don't know how things will work out, but I am praying for the best for you. An open relationship does not sound good at all. I hope she will stop to think about what is best for her son and give him some stability. God be with you this next month.

Brin, an open relationship must be scary for everybody. So often people develop an attitude that things could be so much better somewhere else. Since it is the girlfriend that wants this, it could be that your son could maintain custody of the child. This is not a stable environment for the baby nor preferred. So keep zthat in mind that if push comes to shove. And your son should not go along with it. May be time for him to see an attorney, on the hush, hush of course. I imagine he could get a free consultation.

I am going to find the best child custody attorney in KC. We are NOT going to let this wonderful child go through any chaos. My heart breaks for my son also. Thanks for all the prayer to heal this broken family.

Jessie and Brin I really do hope things work out for you! Thankfully the holidays are almost over and I've decided not to expect myself to feel overjoyed (hah!) but to just try enjoy of find something to enjoy in every day. Brin I wish you the best of luck in trying to help your son and grandson. I think it is a very good idea to consult a lawyer to find out what your options are....maybe your son can get custody :-D.

I am so exhausted from crying. My whole body hurts. My brother who I loaned $5,000 to buy a car last week stabbed me in the back today. Will this hate ever end? I am empty, don't know how long I can go on. Worried about son and baby. DL acted like a bitch to me and my mom all day. I am taking Mom back home tomorrow. Will call my councilor and tell her I need to see here ASAP. Husband is coming up for New Year's. Husband is just sitting around looking so sad. This whole house is filled with sadness. Need to leave in the morning and try and heal myself. I'm going to bed and cry myself to sleep. Sorry to be so down, and hope I don't depress anyone else.

Brin, do you mean he literally stabbed you in the back? My guess is that he did not repay the money you loaned him?

I now know that I do not visit this site often enough. There are many of "us" out there and knowing that gives me some feelings of friendship. Holiday times are always a time of reflection and I now believe more so with "folks like us".
Twelve years ago my marriage of 33 years ended. I moved to another city, found a job and began picking up the pieces of my life. I lived there for almost seven years before returning to my home geographic area. Mom and Dad each had major health issues and I knew the inevitable was coming sooner than later. Let me interject here that I am an only child. I found a good job here, purchased a small fixer upper, and prepared to settle down for the rest of my days near my children and soon to be grandchildren. I know God has a warped sense of humor because two days after the moving truck delivered my household goods to my new cottage my mother called me about midnight one evening and said my father had fallen out of the bed, could not get up, and there was something wrong with him. Their home was about five miles from mine. I tore into some jeans and a shirt and flew to their house. Dad was indeed on the floor and mom was just sitting on the side of the bed crying and wringing her hands. She had not dialed 911 or called either of my sons or even covered him up. I knew immediately that dad had suffered a large stroke and that he was terrified.
That is the background for my current life. Dad only lived three days after that. We have a working cattle and grain farm so many things had to be done on the farm as well as with mom. The farm was the easy part. I am blessed with two sons that idolized their grandfather and had spent as much time as possible with him so they were well equipped with the necessary knowledge to take over the farm operation. Thankfully they had both completed their college educations by then and were gainfully employed.
Fast forward to 2014: I have to say I am another caregiver that loves her mother but just does not like her. She began to fall a lot in the year after Daddy died and it quickly became apparent that she was unable to safely live alone. So what do I do???? She moved into my house with me.....and my life as I'd known it was gone. She has been with me for five years. (remember, I'm an only child) I have no life, no close friends, no freedom, and according to her no brain at all. She berates me almost daily that I am divorced from the man she thought was the best choice for me in 1967. She has even accused me of being the reason that Dad died. According to her it was the disgrace of the divorce, etc. etc. I feel as though I'm living in her soap opera. She is one of the most controlling and mean spirited people I ever had to deal with in my life. I was a military wife for 33 years, moved my family across the globe alone, bought and sold homes, and raised two wonderful sons. Even the darkest and loneliest times of my life never came close to what I am now living. I write all of this down, and then I read it.....the guilt rolls in, and I feel completely alone. How do the rest of you cope with the life change and the isolation from the rest of the world? I never felt one bit of Holiday spirit. I decorated sparsely, brought gifts for my three granddaughters, took Mom and we spent Christmas day with my family. I didn't want to return home. I've been so depressed since .... She's back in her sitting room, shrieking at me and enjoying her misery. I don't know what to do. I can't cope like this much longer. I have developed major health issues: fibromyalgia, and diabetes which my physicians tell me have probably been brought on by stress.
I was having a glass of wine while trying to enjoy the small tree I did put up but I have no feeling at all. My beautiful six year old granddaughter said to me today, "Nano, you don't smile anymore!" I suppose that says it all.
I pray for a brighter new year.....for each and everyone of us. Happy New Year, fellow care-givers.

gladimhere, No he just turned on me and sided with my sister and was hateful to me I am POA and they are mad. The $5,000 was a loan from my mothers estate (which will be repaid). I facilitated the loan and he was all nicy nicy for about a week. I am DONE with them. They will get their money when the time comes. It is so hard to have your siblings hate you. I hurt so bad. You would think I would get used to it, but I never do. Any ideas how to deal with this hate?

Oh Brin, I am so sorry everything is so hard! Please know that we all are rooting for you! I think it is time for mom to be placed in an AL facility or a progressive care place, anywhere but with you. You do so need to regain your life from her and DON'T let her or your sibs manipulate you through guilt or threats from doing this. Nano does need to smile again. You do not have to be her caregiver anymore, you can pull the plug and we will support you, this site is good for that. And no, you never get used to the hate or the abuse - which is what is happening to you. You are obviously, a loving person, and raised 2 wonderful sons - only a loving mother can do that. You do need help and you need to save yourself! Please let us know how you are doing. I wish I could help more but my mom is home and other than several extended stays in a NH/Rehab facility I don't have the expertise you need, but there are others on this site that can give you more information, the type you need to place mom in a facility. I say facility because I'm pretty sure that neither your brother or sister will step up to take mom in to live with them! They are probably very good at complaining about you taking care of mom and VERY bad at taking the responsibility for caring for her. Please let us know how you are doing, it is time to out-source this job! I will pray for you and hope that, in the near future, mom can be sitting in some nice facilities day room complaining. :-) and you, spending some quality, happy times with your sons and grandchildren. Bless you and many warm hugs.

I should have addressed this to only1child and Brin (I think my dementia is kicking in) so sorry. Your stories are just heart-wrenching! Linda

Brin,
I too deal with the hate from my twisted sisters. Both live in the area. One has POA, and I have cared for Mom 24/7 for nearly three years and not been paid a dime! And my mom has resources that thentwisted ones want when Mom passes. Instead of putting a care agreement together three years ago TS's decided to fight in court. Probably ends up costing mom in the area of 100k, money that my sibs have willingly admitted Mom would rather go to a family member. My retirement account is nearly gone, I had a fire at my house in August, and don't know if I will be able to rebuild or not because insurance may not cover all of it. And a very close friend that was caring for my house and cats, was slightly injured in the fire, passed away two months ago. And TS's still take the hard line against me. It has been one he!! Of a year, I will be glad to get it over! And at court hearing two months ago, POA was ordered to pay the professionals and me a pittance each month. Nobody has been paid. Then sib tried to delay payment because of a motion I made for clarification on how much back pay I am to get. So, it can get really ugly, but my POA sis won't even reimburse me for money I spent. You were very kind to your brother to loan him the money. And I provide the care and cannot even get reimbursements! Would you be my sis POA?

Gladimhere, sorry to hear about you situation. Thankfully I have full POA's for my Mom. Like you, I have not been paid for keeping Mom. My brother turned on me just one week after making him the loan. So now have 2 sibs that hate me. It is hard to believe that the courts are so lax. Have you considered getting a conservator? That will take the money out of sisters hands and make things better for you. We are all here for you and wish we could give you face to face help. You need to get some control. Just keep trying and hopefully some kind attorney will give you the help you need. I will be praying for good things for you. This situation is WRONG!! and so many on this blog are facing the same issues. FIGHT!! If I could I would give you the POA. Wish this would happen. Hope you are better today. All our love to you.