I have a friend who has been caregiving for her mother in my friend's home, the last 10 years. She has Alzheimer's, can't walk, wants to sleep all the time, is force fed and my friend ignores all the doctor and medical advise she is in the end stages and force feeding can cause suffering since the food is no longer needed and will build up.
Her mom turned 100 years old this past March and she's had so many signs of being her last days but holds on, which boggles my mind since all signs of active dying were/are there. My friend's marriages has suffered horribly, she is constantly angry but refuses to bring in hospice or other help.
Her mom just wants to sleep and my friend will force her up and force her to take a few bites of something. I've explained this could harm her and build if her body is shutting down but she gets angry at me. She always claimed her mother hated her and treated her awful so this isn't done with love or the fear of letting go. She never talks gently to her mother. Her mother yells at her when she is awake. It's very difficult to see.
She keeps her mom clean, checks for bedsores, etc. As far as I know, there is no physical abuse and she does take her in to the doctor monthly.
I don't want to cause more issues but this is so hard to see. I want to step away as well. She now wants me there for Christmas, but it's so stressful to go every year. I told her this year I had already promised to go to my son's and she is trying to make me feel guilty. I just can't go!
My friend has lost a lot of friends and now her husband of 57 years is done. He doesn't see how their marriage can be repaired.
What would you do in this case?
Best of luck to you.
I would however, if the friend complains a lot about all this, point out to her that you know she understands that these were/are her choices, and that she will decide when she needs to change things. Don't give a whole lot of sympathy, because the martyrdom complex is self sustaining and DOES have a payout, which is the sympathy of others.
So make a casserole. Offer to sit with Mom while she does something for herself. Get her the gift of a massage. And if she complains overmuch do suggest a good cognitive therapist.
As you "my friend makes me guilty?" No. You choose to assume guilt that is inappropriate. None of the circumstances of your friends life are
1) your fault
2) yours to fix
3. Your responsibility.
Guilt would require all three be true.
You rather feel the other g-word, which is grief to see your friend take on the undoable, and to suffer so at it.
You aren't responsible for another's happiness.
When you suggest that you are because you want to spend the holidays with family, you are taking on the same mistaken and self-harming and inappropriate responsiblity for the happiness of another that your friend is buckling under.
Wish her well. Get her a gift card for a bring in holiday meal delivered. Go and enjoy your family.
Your friend is also likely mentally ill and she also needs help.
Please call now. Right now.
If her doctor is seeing her weekly, there really was no reason to call APS. Hospice really doesn't do much. Friend would still do all the work. Friend would be taught how to use Morphine and anxiety meds. She would get an aide to bathe Mom a couple of times a week. An RN to check in weekly. Well, she has a doctor for that.
Tell her sorry, but I have promised my son I would be with him for Christmas.