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I have a friend who has been caregiving for her mother in my friend's home, the last 10 years. She has Alzheimer's, can't walk, wants to sleep all the time, is force fed and my friend ignores all the doctor and medical advise she is in the end stages and force feeding can cause suffering since the food is no longer needed and will build up.
Her mom turned 100 years old this past March and she's had so many signs of being her last days but holds on, which boggles my mind since all signs of active dying were/are there. My friend's marriages has suffered horribly, she is constantly angry but refuses to bring in hospice or other help.
Her mom just wants to sleep and my friend will force her up and force her to take a few bites of something. I've explained this could harm her and build if her body is shutting down but she gets angry at me. She always claimed her mother hated her and treated her awful so this isn't done with love or the fear of letting go. She never talks gently to her mother. Her mother yells at her when she is awake. It's very difficult to see.
She keeps her mom clean, checks for bedsores, etc. As far as I know, there is no physical abuse and she does take her in to the doctor monthly.
I don't want to cause more issues but this is so hard to see. I want to step away as well. She now wants me there for Christmas, but it's so stressful to go every year. I told her this year I had already promised to go to my son's and she is trying to make me feel guilty. I just can't go!
My friend has lost a lot of friends and now her husband of 57 years is done. He doesn't see how their marriage can be repaired.
What would you do in this case?

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She's trying to manipulate you into visiting her for Christmas by using guilt? She's no "friend". With friends like that, who needs enemies. If you're that worried about her Mom, report them to APS then block her number. You have no power and no influence with this woman. Everyone's done with her (including her husband) for a reason. They are figuring out their boundaries and so should you.
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puptrnr Dec 3, 2025
Excellent advice! Boundaries is the main thing here. Aside from contacting APS, there's nothing that you can do aside from step away from a very dysfunctional relationship.
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You've shared your opinions and, right or wrong, they weren't welcome. If you want to step away, you can. You already made plans for Christmas, so stick with them. This really isn't a situation you can control, so stop trying.
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Reply to MG8522
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I'd refuse her invitation for Christmas, and cut contact with this "friend" entirely if it were me. This is elder abuse you're seeing and can be reported to APS but I'm sure it won't appear that way to them. It's very sad to see such an old and sickly woman being forced to eat and stay awake when all she wants is peace. God will take her when it's time, though.

Best of luck to you.
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noni1959 Nov 25, 2025
Thank you. I’ve contacted APS and they can’t let me know what happens, but I’m sure I’ll hear about it. They did say it would be anonymous. Sadly, if there is no evidence of abuse, there’s nothing they can do about it. Mostly they look for bruises, bed sores, and other types of abuses. She does keep her clean and rotate and gets her up. She will be turning 101 in March. I don’t know how she’s made it this far.
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Back off, celebrate the holiday with your son, and leave your friend alone. No more offering advice or visiting this upsetting situation. She’s being unintentionally cruel to her mother and rude to her husband. She needs no support in either. Hopefully you can be a friend again someday after her poor mother has passed
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lealonnie1 Nov 25, 2025
I was thinking the opposite.....that the daughter is being intentionally cruel to the mother now as revenge for her miserable childhood.
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First, I'd tell her the truth about Christmas, that you can't watch the abuse, which I think force feeding is. Then if you wish to stay in your friend's life, ask her to show you in writing that the mother's doctors agree to this sort of "care". From your point of view some sort of mental illness is going on. I assume you have checked yourself, though, for simply not wishing to witness end of life, as it is very upsetting. I saw in a nursing home that people were gotten up from sleep out of bed, as you say is happening with your friend's mom, and put in wheelchairs to again fall asleep for hours all bent over sideways. I too wondered at why it was so important to keep them alive when they seemed very much ready to go, as they did not seem to be participating in anything around them. Have they gone inward and are experiencing memories? Are there life issues they are quietly working out? I'm not sure we can know, but maybe, just maybe, your friend is feeling an obligation to let her mom live as long as possible, and not meaning to cause harm. You think she is and I also think she is from what you say. It is a very difficult this situation you're watching. I wish you the best in figuring out what to do or if you should do nothing.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Really, you need to let loose of thinking you can have any input on decisions this personal for another person. That isn't friendship. If you have once said to your friend that this is really not sustainable without great risk to her own health and happiness, then you have done all that you can.

I would however, if the friend complains a lot about all this, point out to her that you know she understands that these were/are her choices, and that she will decide when she needs to change things. Don't give a whole lot of sympathy, because the martyrdom complex is self sustaining and DOES have a payout, which is the sympathy of others.

So make a casserole. Offer to sit with Mom while she does something for herself. Get her the gift of a massage. And if she complains overmuch do suggest a good cognitive therapist.

As you "my friend makes me guilty?" No. You choose to assume guilt that is inappropriate. None of the circumstances of your friends life are
1) your fault
2) yours to fix
3. Your responsibility.
Guilt would require all three be true.
You rather feel the other g-word, which is grief to see your friend take on the undoable, and to suffer so at it.

You aren't responsible for another's happiness.
When you suggest that you are because you want to spend the holidays with family, you are taking on the same mistaken and self-harming and inappropriate responsiblity for the happiness of another that your friend is buckling under.

Wish her well. Get her a gift card for a bring in holiday meal delivered. Go and enjoy your family.
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noni1959 Nov 26, 2025
This was very much needed. Thank you
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You need to call APS and report an abusive caregiver to a dying woman. Your friend is indeed abusing her mother and someone needs to step in and intervene.

Your friend is also likely mentally ill and she also needs help.

Please call now. Right now.
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noni1959 Nov 25, 2025
I did call them today. They are going to check into things. I also placed a call to her doctor. Both assured me I would be anonymous. But I have a feeling she’s going to know who did. Sadly, they said if there’s no evidence of abuse, nothing can be done. And their doctor does see her weekly now. I thought it was monthly. I misunderstood.
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Getting mom up prevents bedsores. If mom were incapable of doing so or eating, mom would not do either regardless of the coaxing of her daughter, your friend. The last thing your friend btw needs is your giving her your two cents on how you disagree as a friend. If you cannot offer support, step away from the situation.
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noni1959 Nov 26, 2025
Sometimes, we need to put in two-cents if something is wrong. Calls are in. Boggles my mind someone will look the other way. I have stepped back. I didn't disagree as a friend. I was advocating for her mother. Her doctor was there today and told her to stop getting her up. There is a lot more to just butting in my two-cents.
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Report the situation to APS.
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The sores is what bothered me. Even on Hospice these should be seen by a woundcare nurse. But, looks like a doctor sees her weekly so he can tell friend how to care for them. For some, breaking out in sores is a end of life thing. They are called Kennedy ulcers. They are the breaking down of the skin.

If her doctor is seeing her weekly, there really was no reason to call APS. Hospice really doesn't do much. Friend would still do all the work. Friend would be taught how to use Morphine and anxiety meds. She would get an aide to bathe Mom a couple of times a week. An RN to check in weekly. Well, she has a doctor for that.

Tell her sorry, but I have promised my son I would be with him for Christmas.
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help2day Dec 3, 2025
She said her friend "checks for bedsores" not that the Mom has them.
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