I have a grandma with dementia and a grandpa who is old and tired who we are signing up for assisted living. The issue we are having is how to actually get them there? He is okay to go, he knows they need more help and he is ready for it. She is adamant she has nothing wrong, and we need to butt out and leave them alone at home. She doesn’t remember she has fallen at least 3 times-the last time she got a staple in her head she kept forgetting about! They barely eat, we have hidden the keys from them, etc. she has gotten so mad as a result of her dementia, and she will not hear it if we try to suggest moving. We just aren’t sure how to actually get her there? Do we trick her? Drag her? Wait until she gets even worse? She gets around pretty well which also makes it hard. They are both in their 80’s. I have POA for both my grandparents. Any advice would be great!
The ALF will send someone out to meet them and do a needs assessment. Probably best to trick your grandma with this, telling her it is a home health nurse sent by her doctor. They will also be required to each get a TB test, so, more trickery.
If all the paperwork and TB tests and everything else has been done and you are asking about getting her to leave the house and GO there, probably the best thing is to get them out of the house for a full day or, even better, overnight, and have someone move their bedroom suit and some clothes to the facility and take them there when it is time to go home.
A friend who was an administrator of an ALF told me that every resident there was all but DRAGGED in there kicking and screaming and throwing a fuss. It takes at least a month for the resident to calm down and start accepting the new normal.
I picked a place that is like a hotel with her own small apartment and kitchenette. I decorated it with all her adorable furnishings (greatly downsized), photos, books, etc. The facility includes call pendants, private bathroom, all 3 meals in the dining room, phone, cable, wifi, housekeeping, laundry, pest control, bathing, maintenance, utilities, doctor comes to facility weekly, all labs/tests brought in-house so she doesn't have to go anywhere for basic medical services. I did the math and the $3k/mo we pay is the same as maintaining a household and getting @ 20 hours a week of caregiving. The ALF provides 24 availability of care and a turn key experience.
I think it may help starting to talk about it like a resort, with full service and people almost "waiting on you" with all the convenience of the management being responsible for all the hassles of operating a household. Use her dementia in your favor. Don't argue at all. Find the thing she hates most about keeping up a house and then keep saying the same thing over and over..."How great! Never worry about the washing machine or AC breaking! Never HAVE to grocery shop! People there IF you want to help clean etc! LAUNDRY DONE FOR YOU!" Find her hot button and keep pitching the benefits.
Then, finally, and I mean this seriously, do not take no for an answer. Organize it with your Grandfather, move the stuff in yourself... even if he has to take her on a drive out of the house for you to do it.
Then drive her there to "take a look" and leave them there. She may be mad, but she'll forget. with 3 meals, ppl, privacy, activities... she'll forget and begin to accept it.
It is a mistake to try to "make her happy". Sadly with dementia, often a negative attitude arises that is not curable by you. And what they think makes them happy (freedom) is really a portal to neglect, injury, illness. My mom fell and fractured her pelvis twice and landed in ER/Hospital with UTIs twice! Yet she denies it all. You cannot reason with a mind that cannot reason or remember. What you can do is help them to be safe and in an environment that will support them as things get worse.... then you can start having a nice relationship with them when you visit and call. They are like your child now. Would you take an angry 6 year old literally about anything? Adopt a mindset like this: You are your grandmother's mother now. Do what is right for her well being.
One thing I always tell ppl from my experience... they NEVER get better. They always get worse. Better to plan now for this reality.
At that point it is a matter of placing her in Memory Care. Grandpa can move into Assisted Living in the same facility.
No matter what move is made she will not be happy with the move. But she is no longer in a position to make decisions for her own safety.
As to how to get her there...tell her the doctor as said she needs to go to rehab until she is stronger.
This is going to be a struggle for both Grandma and Grandpa.
It took a few days for him to get used to it. But the coffee station was right down the hallway, and dining room was nearby, all the comforts of home. Cable TV and telephone set up, and we were done. Then the obvious of clearing out all their remaining belongings, but soon for them it is out of sight, out of mind, and their world becomes very small. Most of the time they are more than happy to let you take care of what remains, although the more difficult parents will give you heck for punishing them and wish to know exactly where all their remaining belongings are. It is a difficult time for you until everything gets situated. That's for sure!
When someone is at the stage Mom was, it was were I needed to make decisions for her, as I would for one of my children, when they could not make safe decisions for themselves. I had to do what ever it took to make it happen. As someone close to me said, "Remember when her mind was right she gave you full power to make decisions for her if she wasn't able to. She knew you would do the best care for her."
Remember, what you are doing for them is for their safety and out of love. Hope this helps.
* Realize there will always be 'push back,' i.e., "I'm okay, I remember, I am capable" communication. It is a way for a person losing independence (and cognitive functioning) to hold on to their independence as much as they can. Anger is a cover for fear. This is expected behavior.
* As another said, make all the arrangements (is EASIER if you have POA or MD authorization/recommendation) and don't tell her what is happening. Get them there and then deal with her behavior of fighting, anger, rage - she won't be a happy camper and expect this. If you need more support, have those or that person w/you.
* NEVER EVER argue with a person w/dementia. It is a losing battle and ONLY keeps the rage / negative emotions going, raising everyone's blood pressure.
* Is there a social worker involved?
* Be sure to get whatever mental health support / counseling you need to keep going. And, exercise and eat healthy - really helps hold 'us' care givers together and deals with our own stress.
* Expect the unexpected and be ready to respond. Instead of arguing, agree or 'reflect back to them what they (or she) says. I understand that you feel . . . let her know you hear her.
* We are there supporting you. All this is easier said than done, I know. Gena.
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