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I'm looking for ways to relieve my guilt for not wanting to visit my 77 year old mother. I've been feeling down for several days wondering what I'm going to do with her when she can no longer live alone. She called me yesterday and said that she spends all her time alone and it will happen to me too. That's EXACTLY what my fear is and she knows how to get to me. I'm an only child with very little family and she yells at me like a child. She also said my counselor isn't good for me. I don't need nor want her advice about anything. Most of my life, she didn't have time for me or my kids. She had a gambling problem and didn't invest in relationships. She guilts me in to visiting her even though she manages to go where she wants. She's cruel and insulting and my mind is on overload.

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You can decide not to have a relationship with her anymore. My mother went over the line one too many times and I had to cut ties for years until she needed placement in a facility. She still gives me advice on everything from marriage to parenting to how to buy my shoes. She has NPD and thinks she is a god. She also tells me I will end up just like her. No, I've never treated my kids the way she treats me. I also am preparing for my future, something she neglected to do.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I find getting mad at the things she says or does makes the guilt go away.
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lealonnie1 Feb 13, 2026
I agree
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Why WOULD you want to visit her, after what you've described? What about that would bring you any happiness at all? The guilt is a result of her lifetime of programming you to believe it's your responsibility to make her happy and guess what, happiness is something you choose. Nobody can make someone happy when they are determined to be awful.

Every time you feel guilty for not wanting to visit her remind yourself that happiness is a choice and choose it for yourself. If you want to help someone who will actually appreciate it go over to the animal shelter and play with the kittens or puppies to help them become socialized. Pick up a can of soup and bring it to the food bank. Whatever floats your boat and speaks to you. You'll see the difference you can make and what it feels like to be appreciated.
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Slartibartfast Feb 13, 2026
As for what to do with her when she can no longer live alone stick around the forum here. You'll see a lot of scenarios and the ways people deal with them. The first lesson is she doesn't come live with you. Beyond that every situation is different, check out other folks stories.
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Just don't let the guilt override the resentment and you'll be fine. Guilt tells you you're doing something wrong. What are you doing that's wrong? Put a plan in place NOW to deal with the emotional manipulation and where mother will live when she can no longer live alone. #1 is not with you.

Best of luck to you. You deserve a happy life.
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As said...DON'T LET HER EVER LIVE WITH YOU. Don't take on POA, then she'll think she owns you. My Mantra is "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way". If Mom gets where she can no longer do for herself call APS and tell them because she is abusive you cannot and will not care for her. If they find she is 24/7 care, the State will take over her care. They will find her resourses if they feel it will help her stay in her home.

You need to tell Mom your going no contact for now. And be honest, you can no longer take her treating you like a child. You are an adult and deserve respect. I may also tell her that she never had anytime for you or your kids, why now should you go out of your way to find time for her. She is lonely because of her choices not because you will not visit.

Your Mom needs you more than you need her. So, the ball is in your court. You could also tell her any relationship you have with her will be on your terms. You will check in on her 1x a day. She becomes abusive in any way, you will hang up. Once a week you can have lunch together? She gets started, and you leave. You show her you will take none of her crap. Mom is not in charge here, you are. Why would you let anyone take control of your life when they weren't there for you when you needed them. She is not #1 anymore. You have a family that is. If she wants to be a part of that, she needs to make changes. I am 76 and if I needed my girls to be closer, I would make changes. I don't have that problem though.
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Lander22 Feb 14, 2026
Too late. I am the trustee of her trust so unfortunately POA. Not that she'd let me have any say over anything. She also will not put any additional money in the trust because she's a control freak. She complains that she doesn't have enough but has accrued another $150,000 in the last five years. All that money is up for grabs since it's outside of the trust and her attorney is extremely confused as to why she bothered to have one drawn up. She has threatened to take everything back but it's irrevocable so I'm not sure what she can do. Or what I can do with her!
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Well she knows how to push your buttons!
You need to ignore her when she says things like this.
You need to tell her you will not take the verbal abuse and if she starts in you HANG up the phone or you get up and leave the room.
If a friend or one of your kids were describing a partner that did this to them what would your advice be? Hang in there and keep taking it or leave the situation? I would hope you would tell your friend or son or daughter to leave. I get it you can't leave your mother but you can begin to control the situation. I sure hope your therapist has said something like this to you,.
There is no need to feel "guilty" about taking control over an abusive relationship.
When she can no longer live alone she finds a facility to move into that can manage her care needs You are not obligated to care for her. You are not obligated to take her in. And do not pay for her care. If necessary her assets are sold to pay for what they can then an application to Medicaid do not put her financial problems on yourself
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Lander22 Feb 14, 2026
We can't take her in. She can barely walk and we have a two-story house with all bedrooms upstairs. We are not building on or putting a full bath on the first floor so she's out of luck!
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Don't believe you will end up "alone" whatsoever. You know exactly what kind of person will end up alone, and it isn't someone like you.

You don't take advice from someone that is cruel or insulting. You relieve your guilt by showing your own children the love you didn't get from your own Mom. Then you start looking for a facility for your Mom, because you definitely DO NOT bring her into your home when she can't safely live alone.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Just cut ties with her and don't look back. Why should you waste your time and emotional energy on someone who treats you this way? Stop answering her calls, emails, texts. Certainly don't go to see her. Spend your time with your children, friends, and other who appreciate and value you.

As for what to do when she can no longer live alone, that's not your obligation. If you do get wind that she needs help, notify her local Adult Protective Services and they will find a solution for her.

I wish you peace of mind going forward. You deserve it.
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I feel the same way about my 92 YO dad. We’re 2 states apart and after mom passed in 2024 he expects me to give up my life and be there for him all the time. Someone that was never there for me!!! I was there quite a bit in the beginning but I realized we had different opinions on EVERYTHING. I was his door mat! I finally realized I’m important too and put myself first. Now I only visit when I have too but only a few days, 3 or 4 tops. Most of the time I leave early to get out of there. He’s rude, negative, women are beneath him and it’s his way or no way. No thank you!!!

Thank you for your story, as I don’t feel like I am the only one.
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Lander22 Feb 14, 2026
I'm so sorry. It gets really old being someone's punching bag. I've seen this from my mother her entire life and I'm sure that's been your experience with your dad too. There's some great advice here – we should both take it
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Lander22,
It sounds like your mother has a history of manipulating you and knows just how to pull you in to her trap. And, you continue falling for it because you have been conditioned by a selfish mother who will do anything, hurt anyone, to get her own needs met.
There is NO reason for you to feel guilt about not wanting to visit her. Your body and mind are trying to protect you from more abuse.
There is no universal rule which says you must visit your mother; you must have a good relationship with your mother. You do not. If you don't wish to visit, you don't have to. Block her phone calls, or let them go to voice mail. If it is not important, delete her messages without responding.
Your counselor isn't good for Her. Have your counselor help you to write a letter to your mother outlining the reasons why you do not wish to have a relationship with her. Send it to her. It may help to alleviate the pent up resentment you are suffering from. You want to tell her how you feel. Do it. Then, stop taking her calls, stop visiting, live your life. If she shows up at your doorstep, DO NOT LET HER IN! She will continue the abuse, and will never leave!
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