Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
@ macada "I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from."
That was not our experience. An experienced psychologist did couples counseling with us, which improved some issues. But it was an actual psychiatrist increasing his Bupropion that made the big difference!
Medication might incidentally change his behavior to you. Our marriage had problems for years, most due to his undiagnosed diabetes and PTSD. Getting treatment for those helped. The last two years, after an INCREASE in dosage of Bupropion, have been very good!
Now I'm finding that a minor change in the "same drug" can undo all the benefits, eg changing manufacturer or changing from Immediate Release to Slow Release.
I think you have to be very careful about your care giving to your spouse. You do not want to ever be accused of abusing or killing them.... you would be prosecuted. I would honestly see a therapist on an ongoing basis to try and keep your sanity. If the job becomes too much for you then I would seek a facility to place them in.
The behavior of a person who is ill and especially if they have a mental illness can get to be really bad, for others who were mean all their lives medication makes them meek and much easier to deal with. You have to weigh the pros and cons of doing this and if you need to check out of their life then do it. It is better to "leave" than to hate your spouse even more and take a chance on hurting them or being hurt yourself.
This is something therapist Pauline Boss says, in her helpful book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia": "Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver." ... "with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating for family member well. This may be the vest you can do given your history together."
I am in the same situation after 30+ years of an emotionally, financially and verbally abusive marriage where he demanded and got anything and everything he wanted for himself as a narcissistic personality. Refused to save for the future, spent every dime on himself and now...caring for him at home finally became impossible and I found an assisted living placement. He is as he has always been and I can only hope they don't kick him out. ALL his retirement income, now goes to pay for his care and I am left on my own to try to survive on 1/4 of what he makes in retirement through my pension. He continues to try to control me and calls 10-28 times a day with his 'bring me' list. He is the same as he has always been only a thousand times worse. I could go on but will say that on this site there are some great threads about 'detaching with love'. I don't love him, haven't for many years but I care enough about what is left of me, to detach in kindness to the extent possible. This is all new to me but I have learned not to answer all this phone calls and I now limit my visits to once a week. I am extremely aware that there is no justice in this whole scenario, no relief from my obligation to see that his needs are met but he has no one else. His brother/sisters live in the same town and do not care for him or see him. His son disowned him. If I met this man and saw that he had no one else in the world who would see to his medical needs and assist the AL facility to meet his needs, I would help that human being...because that is the core of who I am, the core he was never able to destroy all those years. My heart goes out to you Angelo as you have many painful decisions ahead of you on this new journey. Choose wisely and coming on the site is a wonderful step in that direction.
Be the best person you can be. It will be stressful. If you ever find that you are not being a nice person to yourself or to your spouse you might consider looking into a nursing facility for your spouse. My mother and father had a horrible marriage. They hated each other for much of it. When my father became ill 5 years ago, my mother wouldn't give him many of his medications because she said that she didn't want to be accused of killing him. We hired a caregiver to come in and give him his medications.
So, take care of yourself and do the best you can. If you find that you are taking your anger out on your spouse, find another solution.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
"I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from."
That was not our experience. An experienced psychologist did couples counseling with us, which improved some issues. But it was an actual psychiatrist increasing his Bupropion that made the big difference!
Now I'm finding that a minor change in the "same drug" can undo all the benefits, eg changing manufacturer or changing from Immediate Release to Slow Release.
The behavior of a person who is ill and especially if they have a mental illness can get to be really bad, for others who were mean all their lives medication makes them meek and much easier to deal with. You have to weigh the pros and cons of doing this and if you need to check out of their life then do it. It is better to "leave" than to hate your spouse even more and take a chance on hurting them or being hurt yourself.
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
...
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating for family member well. This may be the vest you can do given your history together."
Sometimes "hateful" people end up on medication that makes them nicer people, and that would make your job easier.
My mother and father had a horrible marriage. They hated each other for much of it. When my father became ill 5 years ago, my mother wouldn't give him many of his medications because she said that she didn't want to be accused of killing him. We hired a caregiver to come in and give him his medications.
So, take care of yourself and do the best you can. If you find that you are taking your anger out on your spouse, find another solution.