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Thank you all for these answers I could have written @jcoll7 question. Just couldn’t honk how to articulate but she did.

my H has been in memory care for 5 months now. Every time I’m there I just want to wrap him up and bring him home with me.

Nothing wrong with facility: it’s beautiful and people are wonderful for most part. It’s all me. Not even about being alone it’s nice to be able to read a book again I just miss HIM and US. I quit talking about with family bc they remind me how bad things had gotten. I know that in my head. But the heart is a tougher sell.

I will say he spent a month away bw hospital and rehab about 6 weeks in and seemed to go off another cliff in terms of disease after that- so significant changes likes those moves are very hard on people with brain issues.

jcoll7 I too take him out some. Drive thru then go eat at a park, or go get an ice cream, anything to get him out on pretty days. Whether the difficulties at home or having to leave him regularly at MC, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever been through
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JColl7 Sep 2021
Thanks for your response. Sorry you are going through this too. I haven’t taken him out yet. I do accompany him whenever he has to go to an outside doctor. No strictly social outings yet. The facility has lovely grounds so I will pack a picnic lunch to share with him there.
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Seems that the original plan - placing your husband into full time care - was definitely needed. Since he wandered, had disrupted sleep (I bet you did too), and needed minding constantly, he definitely needs to have professional care. That hasn't changed.

Since you miss having your husband at home with you, see if there are ways to recapture some of those experiences. Some facilities allow a short "pass" where you sign your husband out to visit with you at home. Bring a picnic meal that the 2 of you can enjoy together. Bring a movie to enjoy together with your favorite snacks.

If he gets agitated or anxious when you try any of these activities, then he is more content with the routine of his current home. In that case, visiting with him there is you best option.
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Your husband is content and happy and being well cared for where he is. His needs are likely to increase as time goes on, and it might not be long before exhaustion causes you to regret having tried to take care of him at home. You may need to pay more attention to who you are as an individual in addition to being your husband's wife.
Leave your husband in the safe place he is now and find ways to bring a little more balance to your own life.
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Yes, I did with my dad. Unfortunately, my dad has declined and it's real hard. I do have a sitter that comes 6 1/2 days. It's not enough because he's so demanding. If he's happy at the place that you have him keep him at the memory care. It's hard enough to find a place they are comfortable at. You need to put his needs before yours.
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He is doing well and moves can confuse him. I know you want him home and it's hard to be apart, but the fact that he's doing so well means that he is the right place for him now. His condition may change in a moment so please, please don't move him. Hugs to you. I know, it's hard.
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I always wanted to keep my loved one at home because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I would definitely get 24/7 caregiver, or don’t do it.
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I understand that you miss your husband. However, try and remember why you had to place him to begin with.

He is thriving now because he has a team of caregivers, not one exhausted caregiver. He is in an environment where he receives constant medical supervision and care from trained professionals.

Take him out of the facility on a pass for a lunch date or dinner date several times a week, or plan an activity that you two can enjoy like a walk in the park. However, be prepared that he may become agitated and confused at being out of his environment and routine, and want to go back.

I can imagine that it would be horribly lonely, and that you miss him. Realize that you are doing the right thing by having him there, where he is obviously thriving. Visit him as often as possible, and have dinners and take walks with him there if going out isn't possible, so that you can both still enjoy each other's company.
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Bringing him home will not lesson the heartache of the loss of your previous life. You have to use the time you have to refocus your energy on your well being. His needs are met on a daily basis, 24/7. His well being has been created by your decision to place him in a safe environment.
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JColl7: Imho, that could be deemed a mistake that you would regret if you were to bring him home as he's stable in his MC and you wouldn't want to start the process all over again.
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Quite frankly if he has Alzheimer’s/ dementia, you must be aware that he is not going to get better. He is going to progress . I’m not trying to be hurtful . My husband also has Alzheimer’s/ vascular dementia and is advancing quickly. The thought of sending him out of my home is devastating to me but I know it’s coming soon. These are called “ loving choices” and we have to do what’s best for them. My husband seems better at times too…. Or am I still in denial? There are days I see the “ old him” shine thru then in 5 minutes he’s not the guy I knew. I miss him terribly and he’s in my home. I’m sad . He’s already gone. He doesn’t know me most days. He can hardly walk and has difficulty getting out of the chair ( new today). Every day it’s something more. His facial expression is different today. Good home care givers are hard to find. I have someone 20 hours a week and I WAS having her 40 hours a week but cut back because I’m not going to pay $32 an hour for her to be on her phone or read the paper. He will only let ME do his personal care and I’m starting to burn out. It’s very hard. Whatever you decide.. good luck but remember YOU need to stay healthy and have a life too. This disease is evil. I pray for all of us.💜💜💜
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I think I would still leave him there especially if he's still unstable on his feet. He could fall and hurt himself.
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I also meant to say that Alzheimer's tends to get worse with time, not better and it still would be dangerous to leave him home alone. It would be a mistake to take him back home. I think I would leave him where he is.
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My husband was a Alzheimer's patient for 7 to 8 years before passing away in 2016. I talked with his neuro-physchologist doctor about moving him to where our youngest son with his wife and our only 2 grandchildren lived. It was a cross country trip and a gamble. The doctor explained that moving such a patient was highly risky and could cause Alzheimer's condition to speed up. Due to my health problems it became necessary to make the move.

We moved in 2015 and 10 months later his condition was so much worse that he moved from a Memory Care place to a hospice place. His body forgot how to eat,; he felt no hunger pains; he wandered and was a danger to himself, etc. in addition to the other symptoms. Needless to say the move was a bad decision on my part, but the best I could make dealing with everything.

Since you say yours is doing somewhat nicely where he is, I would recommend keeping him where he is. Your point about getting into the same place(you seem to consider his care as good), the stability not lasting; finding whatever place would have room for him are very caring points. I missed mine terribly when he was in Memory Care as the Midwest does not have lots of car places of quality and I was not that close to him. I assume you visited him as often as you could, so you do spend time with him as I did. My husband did not know who I was, who our grown children & grandkids were, as he had regressed to a child. He had a math degree and worked at NASA for years. But his condition progressed fast and I notice he mind was not capable any longer.

With the knowledge I have now, I would leave him where he is. I do not want to seem callous to your feelings, but Alzheimer's just gets worse so him being content where he lives is very good. You need to keep that foremost in your memory. It will help in the future. After 5 years I still terribly miss mine on certain days but not every day. Even if mine only lasted a few more years with him in Memory Care, life did not work that way for me. Time helps. Bless you both.
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Sorry for any mis-spellings, but I had a few tears finishing my reply.
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We are struggling with the same question for my dad heading home to my mom . He isn’t as stable as your husband . I think there are positives to bring him home, lots of energy goes into daily visits and bringing him home makes some sense and makes some things easier but brings lots of other issues with it . Could you do visits home with him for a while and try it on so to speak ? Increase the time he comes with each visit time and see how it goes . just tell him they are giving you special permission for him to visit and not what your thinking it could lead to . This way if it doesn’t work out you haven’t lost your spot for him and he won’t be disappointed if you think you can’t manage it . It is just about visiting and that it until you make your final decision? Good luck , I know it’s not easy 💕
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I felt compelled to add to my post as we did visit a memory care unit the other day and we were shocked. I plan to look at others but I could not put my Mother there. The memory care part of the community was way in the back and behind heavy doors. The lighting was very uncomfortable in the main area and not very clean. They had a separate dining area that was not as elegant as the main assisted living dining area and quite frankly was not pleasant. It was as if they were separating the memory care folks from the main area as if they were embarased by them. I know this disease comes with uncomfortable things like incontinence and unpleasant behavior but for the money you pay for memory care I feel that they could at least build a separate building if they want to separate the assisted living community from the memory care community. Then they could have a main entrance that wasn't a mile from the residents "room", a nicer dining and living area and in general have a more pleasant place to be. I will continue to look at other communities but I couldn't place my Mom there. If they are all like what we saw the other day I plan on finding another way to have her cared for.
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wolflover451 Sep 2021
My brother and I also visited a place like that, it was cold, had a heavy prison like door to the entrance of that hallway.....needless to say we did NOT put my dad there 7 years ago when he needed to be placed. we found another place (also local) that was very good........our mother is now there. it always pays to check out different places. Keep looking and get referrals from other people as well. wishing you luck.
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i know it sounds harsh but "leave him there".......he is getting the care he needs, YOU are RESTED and can visit when you want and be his loving wife.......not the worn out, tired, frustrated, scared, angry wife that will be burnt out even with a helpful caregiver that you hope will be reliable and trustworth, etc. IF he is doing good and has adjusted.........WHY move him? Do what is best for HIM and not you, because YOU feel he should be at home. We would all love to have our loved ones in their own home, where they know stuff.......but it can't always happen. My mother has been in nursing home since April (her decision) and I am glad that I can visit when I want (she is on compassion care)..........and even now I still sometimes worry that she is okay. Not because I know she isn't being cared for, but that is just how I am. I know that neither me nor a 24/7 caregiver could do and handle what needs to be done. And for your hubby, things will get worse and require more time, energy, that you might not have to handle.......then if you decide to put back into memory care, like you said, you will have to "restart all over" again. I suggest you let him there and you visit when you can. I wish you luck.
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Thank you everyone for such thoughtful, caring answers. I know the best place for him is where he is. We do have such lovely (and sometimes funny) visits together. I will count my blessings that I was able to get him in a good place that is really convenient to where I live. Thanks all.
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Llamalover47 Sep 2021
JColl7: Thank you for your update.
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Please do not take him home...if he has dementia (ALZ etc.) it only gets worse. You currently have a life! Taking care of an Alz. patient is NOT easy or fun! It is a 24/7/365 commitment! They do not get better, only worse. They do have shining moments when they almost seem like they used to be and then they fall off the edge...PLEASE for you and your family leave him where he is doing well.
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