Tonight, my dad is once again wanting to go to the hospital and he just got out and is doing fine. He called me and said his stomach is killing him. I know that he has eaten some things he should not have. Long story short, the nurse said he has been fine all day. He said he wanted me to approve for him to go. I told him i was leaving it up to him and he said no its up to you and I said no, it is not. Then he said if he dies, its on me. I know there are probably others who have heard these words and I know some is due to dementia. How do you cope with this?? Lately it has been a crisis every week!
I have cut back on calling him. I also have High Blood Pressure. There are also very few people I trust. I do not trust some of his friends and a family member. I think they put ideas in his head about coming home and they there is no respect for me at all. Sometimes I think he has talked against me as well. This is the reason some of his friends and family members have an attitude against me.
Your dad is getting something out of this game, but so are you.
You have the power to stop this game.
What are you are getting out of playing this game? You are not helpless here.
I'm not getting anything out of it but I see your point. I'm just so use to letting him control me. I know I can and need to put a stop to it because it is affecting me mentally. But this has gone on since I was a child. I know that I'm an adult now but it just part of being brought up the way I was.
I kinda feel like you have it easier in that sence. You also have power, where I have none, my brother has it all, but just doesn't care.
Waytomisery has been to he// and back with so many with dementia in her family.
Many of us struggle daily, some full time caregivers here. Which I myself have no clue how they are holding it together.
Turn this around and think about the positives you have in life. All you really have to do honestly is change your number, not that you would but some of us are not that lucky to have what you have.
I was my fathers caregiver for over 20 years so I feel your pain. This only ended about 6 months ago. I now that I now have it easier but it was not always that way. I sympathize with anyone who is a caregiver because it is HARD. I do have power but he does not mind reminding me that he is in his right mind and can still make decisions. I hope the situation with your mom improves because I know what the constant fear feels like.
I only saw mother a few times a year. (distance caregiver) I trusted that the nurses would call me when something went wrong or more care was needed. They did. Meanwhile I got on with my life. I did not center my life around her unhealthy behaviour.
I agree that Melody Beattie's writings on Codependency would be helpful to you.
It is going to end because I'm tired. Life is too short to be constantly stressed.
Me: “Not on my watch.”
It worked. He didn’t….on that day, anyway.
Loooooong before my mother got dementia she said these words to me as a child , threatening to jump out a second story window , or to take a handful of pills . Making me cry and beg that she wouldn’t .
Then one day when I was home for the summer from college , she threatened again with a handful of pills.
I knew she wouldn’t take them , and quite frankly I finally realized that even if she did, that it would NOT be on me .
( Mom perpetrated this drama because the neighbors might see me leave the house with a suitcase with my fiancé to go on a trip . This was her way to try to stop me from going on the trip and spare her perceived embarrassment with neighbors .)
I told her “ Go ahead “ and I even pushed her handful of pills closer to her mouth . Guess what ?? She didn’t take them and never ever threatened that again . She also as in the past , ordered me not to tell my father ( that she pulled this threat on me ).
Tell Dad that you are not the nurse .
If he wants to go to the hospital he has to tell the nurse .
I bet you he doesn’t tell the nurse . And whether he goes to the hospital or not , it’s on him.
Just stick to that. Tell Dad that it is up to him. He's a grownup now.
If he says "It's on YOU if I die" tell him "Well, hon, I will just have to try to live with that, then, won't I".
Your dad plays you.
Time to have some fun playing him back.
It is exhausting.
I'm sure the folks at his facility will notify you if and when there is something actually wrong with your dad, so rest in the knowledge of that, and let the rest roll of your back.
You have to remember that your dads brain is permanently broken, and that yes one day he will die, but not because of anything that you did or didn't do, but because it was his time.
So take a deep breath and try and enjoy whatever time you may have left with him, and try not to make mountains out of molehills.
That is what I keep telling myself... That they will notify me if something is wrong. His brain has certainly changed. It is very hard seeing him like this.
Visit your dad once a week, if you must, let the people get paid to handle dad, do there job.
Detach your feelings, pretend in your head your dad is your uncle. I am so different from my family, I sometimes pretend I must of been switched at birth.
Read up on codependency, read Melody Beattys book, Codependency No More. It will teach you to take better care of yourself.
I'm so sorry you had to hear those words.
It has really affected my mental health. I often have trouble concentrating. I know that I have to let this go because if not, I will also need care.
It's attention-seeking behavior. Remember the story about the boy who cried "wolf".
It will be on him.
Everything about dementia is hard. His brain is broken so he can't control his behavior and neither can you. The only thing that can change is you not reacting to his every drama.
There's no fix for this. Trust the nurse's opinion to guide your decisions. This is when you throw up your hands and say "It is what it is".
He has also started calling me during my work hours. He never did this before. I know he gets the days and times confused.
I am very sorry.
You know your father.
You know the history and the progression through care.
You know how your dad reacts and you know the care facility he is at.
We could not conceivably guess at what is happening here. But a "subjective" report of pain is a report of pain. No one should negate it without a thorough exam unless there is a long history of subjective reporting that is dramatic, due to mental disability, and etc. And THAT is up to the MDs in this case to judge, not a Forum of strangers.
Sorry, and surely do wish you the best.
It is definitely not easy and you are right, There is no point in trying to figure it out.
You are exactly right! But how do you say something like to your own flesh and blood??? Just pray that I can let this go.