Hospice vs my health and well being?

You did the best thing for her. Don’t second guess yourself. After years of caring for my mother - I developed cancer and some auto-immune diseases from the stress of caretaking. It was solely my responsibility to help and entertain my mother 7 days a week and the stress finally got to me about 5 yrs into my caretaking. She is 94 yrs old now, and still in her home, but I had to draw up boundaries while I did chemo and immuno-therapy. I had to stop my daily caring for her and hired someone to do things around the house and a volunteer from hospice visits her once a week. (Hospice had been a big help up until corona). When she gets worse with her chf, I will make the decision to send her to our lovely hospice facility to live out her days with wonderful care. You made a great decision. Give it time. It’s new for you both. She’s with good care now, which is what she needs.

Ladybug:. You CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT bring her back home. Thirteen years is monumental caregiving. She is there for a reason at the hospice facility.

For others, the trick is to start talking about going to a new place well before the move is made when it becomes obvious this is in the person's best interest. Maybe even a visit is called for. After my sister-in-law had a minor stroke and was the in loco person for my mother and I lived on the other coast, my mother decided living alone was not in her best interest and asked me to find a place for her, which we did. When we got to the retirement home/al/nursing home, I went to the Social Worker with concerns for my mother. The Social Worker said not to worry, that "daughter's have the right to their lives too." This profound statement still resonates with me. Always consult with the social worker at the facility -- they have been there many times and can take an objective view.

First of all, let me say how very sorry I am that you are going through this. I was in a very similar situation last summer with my dad. The only difference was he had been in a skilled nursing home for a little over four years. However, prior to that, I was taking care of both of my parents in their home while also maintaining my home and taking care of my husband, who has been diagnosed with Fronto-Temporal dementia in 2012. My dad never wanted to go into a nursing home but had no other alternative when he kept accidentally injuring himself at home and not letting anyone know he was injured. He developed a severe infection which turned into sepsis, was admitted into the hospital and I had him transferred to the nursing home for rehab a week later. My family and I then made arrangements with my parent's elder care attorney to keep him permanently at the home after he completed his rehab. He was not happy and was, for the most part, always trying his best to get back home. He particularly blamed me. We ended up in court as the nursing home wanted to discharge him as he was 'his own person' passing all the 15 questions that he was in his right mind therefore my POA were not in effect. I had to obtain a court order to have my dad deemed incapable of making medical decisions in order for my POA to be inacted. This was done with my dad getting a neuropsychological exam which determined he had dementia. Then the nursing home would have to legally acknowledge me as my dad's POA and dad could not be discharged. All this took nine months during which the attorney notified the nursing home that they had to keep my dad there until the legal process was over. My dad was livid and became increasingly angry towards me making it more difficult for me to visit. In August of 2019, my dad was placed on hospice in the nursing home. I had the option, as his POA, of transferring him to a hospice facility but I chose to keep him at the nursing home and use their hospice as dad knew those caregivers. I managed to visit him just a few times during his last year to minimize the stress on both of us. I also took my mom to visit over the course of dad's stay at the nursing home since she was afraid of my dad the last few years. My dad passed away September of 2019 at the age of 96. There were many times over his four year stay and during hospice that I felt bad for my dad and the whole situation which is totally normal. But I did my best which was to keep my dad safe and protected. Dementia makes the person not see what is happening and so it is up to those of us who do see what's going on to make those hard decisions. I am not saying it's easy to make those decisions because it's definitely not! We have to give ourselves permission to make those decisions for our loved ones in their best interest, as well as, our own and so we can live with those decisions and move forward in our lives. If you don't keep beating yourself up, the guilt will eat you up and you won't be able to move on in your own life. You are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Please give yourself a break, take care of yourself so you can be there for the rest of your family. I wish you well in this journey.

Do NOT take her back!!!!!! Unless you want to die before her? You made right decision. Don’t blow it & make Biggest mistake of your life & take her back home!!!
Hugs 🤗

I’m sure you have had a long talk with yourself when you decided to send her out.
my mother is also 93 years old. She exhibits dementia, takes no medication except multivitamins, and Melatonin for sleep. She toilets herself but need personal care assistance in bathing and reminding her to eat and drink.

I’m also reminding myself to draw lines when time comes. I’m on my 70’s, so I can guess what you must be feeling.
I hope you ask yourself who would take care of you and your mom if you bring back your mom. God Bless.

JUST: DO NOT FEEL GUILTY... it lasts way too long and very hard to release that.

I am down that road, and it's been a couple years now since mom passed, and I still revisit that part of my brain. I always feel guilty.. I could have done something better or different, but now, does it really matter?... :(

NO GUILT.. you are doing the best you can

It is so hard to take care of someone 24 hours and it affects your health. You need to take care of yourself in order to look out for her.Perhaps she can be with you at least friday and saturday since most elderly would love to spend there days at home. we will be praying for you and your family.

If she's on hospice they shouldn't be "torturing" her... its all about treating her pain and keeping her comfortable.

Do not bring her back home, just tell her she can come back when she gets better. No, that will never happen, but telling someone with dementia the truth will get you nowhere.

13 is a long time. You've more than done your duty.

If sedating her so she will become more manageable, that can be ordered at the hospice facility. Keep her there. She may 'graduate' out of hospice with good care and improvement. So allow her to have this extra care, and re-assess this at a later time, maybe 6 months from now.