Hello everyone, I need some help with an impossible situation involving my bio father (currently 82). I apologize for the length of this, but I need to give some background. My father was never available in my life. He lived a separate life from my mother and me. When he 'was' around he was emotionally abusive to both of us...something that to this day he seems to have no awareness of or is pretending not to.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and I didn't have that much contact with him after that. There was never any normal custody arrangements or child visits after the divorce, even though my mother was open to it, despite his behavior. He wanted to live his own life and did not want a kid hindering his freedom to bar hop with women...his main interest in life. I was exclusively with my mother. My only contact with him was a few phone calls a year and holidays.
When I was in my 20s he unexpectedly disappeared, leaving no trace. He abandon all contact with me, which, if you understand his personality, was actually a blessing, but I didn't understand it at the time because there had been no conflict between us (I was always pleasant, respectful, and didn't voice my trauma). For almost 30 years, he was missing and couldn't be found. Then a couple of years ago he contacted me, old, alone, and in poor health, saying how much he loves me, how sorry he is, and that I'm all he's got...that I'm his everything. I think you get the picture. He made me promise to never come to his house or see him, but we could talk on the phone and get reacquinted. Very odd.
He was so sweet at first and I was forgiving, but eventually I realized these conversations were all about him. He talked nonstop about himself (much of it was BS), never allowing me to get a word in. He eventually started saying some very uncaring, self-centered things. The conversations were crazy-making. I saw in him the exact same person I remembered from my childhood and all the trauma came flooding back. He expected me to stay on the phone with him for up to 6 hours at a time, nearly every day, listening to his insane rantings. He also made threats about how I was expected to handle his life in the future once he was unable. The entitlement was astounding.
I have so much pent up anger because I've never been able to voice how wrongly he's treated me from birth right up until now. Despite my warnings that he needed to get himself into some kind of assisted living and get regular medical care, and that he should not be in a 3-bedroom rental house, he refused, saying that he was doctoring himself. He has foot ulcers due to poor circulation that were getting infected. He claims to be "housebound" (his own fault due to refusing to get treatment or live in a proper place for his needs). A neighbor does his grocery shopping. He complained constantly about going downhill, but refused to do anything about, yet he had plenty of energy for nonstop phone conversations.
This went on for almost 2 years. I couldn't take any more of it. I had to see a doctor without having any health coverage myself, and explained the history and situation. She told me to cut off contact with him completely because I was suffering severe anxiety and PTSD and it was taking a massive toll on my health and well-being. Shortly after, my mother, who has always been there for me and is a loving parent, had a sudden near-fatal illness. We didn't know if she'd make it. I have been no-contact with him since that time.
My mom is stable now, but in the aftermath, I had a breakdown due to the previous cumulative stress, extreme fear of losing her, and trying to care for her under sheer exhaustion. I live with her and her husband now, so that I can be close and help her. Since he reappeared in my life, I've come to realize he has the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. I now realize how damaged I've been all my life and it's very frustrating, because I'm an intelligent person who had so much potential. I had to quit my at-home job because I couldn't manage the workload with all of this going on. I've had to work from home because I have a debilitating sleep disorder and keeping my own hours is a doable must. This has always greatly limited my job options and adversely affected other areas of my life. Now my life is in dire straits. I have no vehicle and my father lives a distance that creates a hardship, but refuses to move. I'm an only child, no family of my own, single, and have no friends/social support (not for lack of trying) or anyone to talk to except my mom, who's condition is still guarded.
I just found out that my father's landlady sent him an eviction notice 3 months ago because he refused to let anyone into the house to do necessary maintenance. He ignored the notice. She called him 2 weeks ago to remind him. He told her he didn't feel well so he couldn't move. She had to get a lawyer. He refuses to acknowledge that he can hire movers and they do all the work, which is a conversation I had with him previously. This is a pattern. He has done this sort of thing his entire life, so it's not happening just because he's old. He has a good retirement income, excellent health coverage, etc. He is in a better position than me! I've found out a lot about his behavior during the 30 years he was missing. It's crazy, but I'll spare you the details. He has made zero plans for this time in his life. He was too busy "living it up" until his health declined. He was taken away in an ambulance a couple of days ago. My guess is that he was in bad shape due to panicking over this situation, and not taking care of himself. Now there is a case manager from the hospital trying to contact me.
My anxiety levels are again through the roof. I haven't even fully recovered from my last breakdown and feel like I'm on the verge of another one. I don't know how to deal with this. I suspect my father has told them he has a wonderful daughter waiting in the wings and that we have always had a normal family relationship. In spite of everything, I feel so bad for him. I don't want him to suffer and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. He's done the best he could, but it's been so damaging and I'm too incapacitated by my own life to be able to help. The only decisions available are the ones he threatened me not to make and I wouldn't choose those for him if there were better options. Plus, there is no POA, will, or anything else. He refused to handle that when it was doable because it was too much trouble. He said it would all just have to work out. He's had his entire life to plan for this, but didn't want to be bothered. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
My father hasn't exactly threatened me to care for him. He knows he never did a damn thing for his own parents. He was estranged from his own father and never had to face this when he died rather quickly. And he left his brother in charge of his mother when she failed. He was off doing exactly what he wanted and told him he couldn't contribute, but it was a rather short-lived situation anyway.
What he said to me was, "You're the one who's going to have to make decisions when it becomes necessary. You'd better never put me someplace!" The tone of his voice was harsh and threatening. I suspect he knows he has no right to ask me to care for him, although he'd like me to volunteer, but since I wasn't doing that, what he said next was, "If I'm in such bad shape that I have to be put someplace, then give me a fatal pill or shoot me." I told him that is a horrible thing to ask of me, it would put me in prison, and my life would be ruined. I asked why he'd would want my life to be destroyed, but he didn't even acknowlege that or respond to it. He was only focused on his own plight. My welfare after the fact was not of concern. Those are about the max amount of words I could ever fit into any conversation and I had to yell to get try and get him to listen but he continued to talk over the top of me anyway.
These conversations were always quite revealing in terms of how little he truly cares about my well-being, despite the constant love bombing. For a while I just chalked it up to him being irrational as he nears the end of his days, but it's more than that when I look back at his entire history.