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This might be a long post so sorry in advance.
this has been such a hard month, my mom fell and broke her hip at the end of last month. She wasn’t in good health to begin with. She had to have hip surgery and we tried to get her into rehab for her hip but one of the places turned her down.
she went home to stay with her friend who is a retired nurse, and she ended up falling again and going back to the hospital 2 days later. She re-broke her hip and needed surgery on it again.



the next day she had a massive stroke leaving her left side paralyzed. She is unable to walk and it takes multiple nurses in the hospital to move her. She then caught sepsis and is being treated for that with Antibiotics. She just had another hip surgery a few days ago for a hematoma on her broken hip. She has been though so much.



She has been a smoker for 50 years, she is also an alcoholic and she addicted to opioids. She can’t smoke anymore after her stroke or she will die, she can’t drink either.



With all this I know there is no way she could come live with me. Before this we already had a strange relationship. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old who need me and I already feel stretched thin. Also my marriage and well being would suffer if she moved in. She physically I can’t move her or help her.



I still feel guilty, like I’m sending her off to a nursing home but there’s no one else to talk care of her and she needs round the clock care. I’m so stressed out and I just don’t know how to stop feeling guilty for things that are not in my control. I’m worried about her going to a nursing home. I am worried they will kick her out since she is an addict.



any advice would be great.

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Your profile says your Mom is only 64 years old... this is extra hard because technichally (and relatively speaking) she is not very old.

It's not your fault she is an alcoholic, opiod addict and smoker for 50+ yrs.
It's not your fault she fell and broke her hip.
It's not your fault she fell a 2nd time and re-broke her hip.
It's not your fault she had a resulting stroke and now has paralysis.
It's not your fault she became septic.
It's not your fault she developed a hematoma and required a 2nd surgery.
It's not your fault that she requires way more care than anyone can provide in a home.

None of what happened *to* her is your fault. And, it's definitely not your fault that you are prioritizing your own young family -- as you absolutely should.

Think of your feelings as grief, not guilt. At this point and in your circumstances you can only provide "least bad option" for your Mom, and that is her getting ALL the care and attention she needs in a facility. I hope you are not the one paying for it. Please don't do this. You are robbing from your own kids if you are.

If your Mom gets kicked out because she can't stop using, that's her problem to solve, not yours. Have you considered that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her? Have you ever talked to a therapist about this or about healthy boundaries? You are NOT responsible for her care, recovery or happiness. Please work on boundaries and rejecting guilt. May you receive peace in your heart.
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Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Hey thank you for your insight, yes I definitely plan on getting counseling for myself as soon as all this dies down. I want to heal myself so I can be a better mom,
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GOOD- you are acknowledging that there is NO WAY you could invite Mom into your home, much less provide for her safety and care while simultaneously taking care of your own husband and small children.

NOW- consider this. There are MANY SITUATIONS in geriatric care that have NO HAPPY SOLUTIONS. MANY of them.

When this happens you make the safest decision, the one that may potentially case hurt or anger or discomfort, or ALL THREE, and realize that you did the very best for her that you could, without causing more destructive processes to befall the others whom you love.

You might also consider that your mom has made a series of painful life choices for a very long time, and that her next poor choice, if left to her own devices, might result in far worse consequences than what will result for her decision.

The nursing home should be told in advance that you are willing for her to receive psychiatric evaluation and appropriate medication for her addiction(s) and the consequences of them.

After placement, you will hug your husband and children, admire and appreciate and nurture them, and move forward yourself. You will have done all that you could. No guilt, sorrow for what she did to herself.
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TriedandTrue Oct 2022
I love this answer!
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When my mom had a completely life changing stroke, I had elementary aged children, one of whom has (and still has) a complex health situation. My mother’s care needs were far beyond what could be done in a home setting, she was a two person assist for every move, couldn’t sit, roll over, feed herself, etc. She received intensive therapies but did not recover. It was profoundly sad that it all couldn’t be different or better, but nothing to waste guilt on. What we had to do was turn our focus to being her advocate in the NH. We have no doubt that it helped her care that the staff saw mom as a person who was loved and cared for. Our family visited often, saw to it that she had nice clothing (that didn’t mean expensive) her hair was styled weekly, we checked in with staff to address any needs or concerns, and basically just showed we cared. We were blessed that she received care that was compassionate and competent throughout such a hard time. Be mom’s advocate, see to her needs as you can in her new setting, and always prioritize your own family. I wish you both peace
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You're using the wrong "G" word. What you're feeling is grief and not guilt. Often people get the 2 words mixed up. You're grieving for the mom you never had, and will never have, and for all she's been through(though she brought it on herself, if truth be told)and how her bad choices have now led her to require 24/7 care that you of course cannot give her.
She's where she needs to be. In your heart of hearts you know that. There's NO way you could care for her without hiring a team of outside help to assist you, so just take comfort in the fact that your mom is now safe, will be cared for, and won't be able to drink or abuse any opioids.
And they will best be able to treat her addictions, so she can safely detox from them.
Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. Your husband and children must come first and should be your only priority.
Your mom has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it.
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Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Thank you, you’re totally right,
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"Sending her off to a nursing home" is nothing to feel guilty about. You're making it possible for her to get the help she needs. It may turn out to the best thing you've ever done for her.
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You saw to it that your mom was placed somewhere safe. That is the most you can do. Look at it this way, living with you would not be safe. For her, for you, for your marriage, for your kids.

She is in this situation because of her own life choices. You are not accountable for those choices.
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Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Thank you this is absolutely true.
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Your mother basically sent HERSELF off to a nursing home by repeatedly making poor choices throughout her life. Even if you wanted to care for her At home, and had the ability and the resources to, you CANNOT because her issues are wayyyyy too numerous and complicated for one human being to handle. She now requires a team of caregivers working 24/7 to manage her care.

Its ok to feel sad about how she's wound up due to her choices in life. It's not ok to blame yourself for any of it.
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I just placed my mom 4 days ago in a NH after she left the hospital after her 4th fall in 2 years which all resulted in hospital care. It’s grieving that you’re feeling. I was my moms caretaker before that. You’re placing her where she will be safe. A lot of these comments are heartless…that’s your mom regardless of her choices. I pray for you and your mom speace. God will look over you and her. Place her somewhere close so you can visit her and show your presence because it will make a difference. There will be an adjustment period for both of you. I’ve grieved the loss of my mom…the mom I knew my entire life for several years now. Love her while you can. Forgive her also…everyday…like God forgives us. Bless you in your journey.
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AnitaGjen Nov 2022
No NONE of these comments are “heartless@ at all! Rather they are the real experience of people who have clearly had different experiences of parenting than you did. You can be thankful for that but it is not appropriate to criticize any of us for our very difficult and painful experiences we had with our parents.
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I'm sorry that your mom is having so many problems. I think a lot of her issues could be due to her smoking, drinking and drugs. They're hard on a body. And make someone old well before their time.

You and your family are lucky that you rightfully realized that you could not possibly take on the care of your mother. You are waaaaay too busy and as I know you know, your priorities have to be your hubby and your babies.

Mom will get the care she needs in the nursing home. She may not like it but her choices and her bad luck have put her in a very bad way that you could not possibly handle at home.

Give yourself permission to put yourself and your family first. Squash that guilt and know that your mom is safe and where she should be. Bringing her to your home would not have been in her best interest.
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There is NO way that you could care for her at home. Leave it to the trained professionals in the care facility. She needs 24/7 care now. Keep tabs on her and her care, but do not feel guilty. Bring her flowers and things to brighten her day when you visit. Your Mom has had a life of her choosing, now go have yours. I know it’s gut wrenching, but It will get easier over time. Pray for peace and know that you have done the correct thing.
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