We moved in with mom 4 months ago. Mom has not responded well , has anosgnosia, and confused and agitated by our presence most of the time . We had a incident where she screamed at us for creating a living space in her basement, our only area of respite besides the bedroom as she commandeers the entire first floor and sleeps in den where she spends 95% of her time . Husband LOST it, screamed back at her and has not looked at, spoken to, or acknowledged her in any way. I have been unable to help him to depersonalize her behavior. Mom has no recollection of this or any of her offensive behaviors and would deny if attempted to address with her as she lacks the capacity for reasoning or empathy any longer . I am caught between a rock and a hard place .
As the 'kid' we 'get' that our parent may not be acting appropriately, not kindly at all. But we're 'the kid' and are USED to it. Our LO's aren't. Your DH wasn'r raised by your mom. How would he know that what she says or does is NOT truly how she feels? He gets hurt and she is pleased, either secretly or openly. I don't care who you are in this dyamic. but words HURT.
My MIL has said some unbelievably mean to me over the 47 years I've been in the family. This dynamic was in play from day 1 and I really thought I could MAKE this woman care for me.
What a sad, pathetic waste of time and energy.
4 years ago I walked out of her house and told her I would never see her again, slapped her on the back, took a Diet Coke for the road and walked out. Haven't seen/spoken to her since. My DH has been unhappy with me over this for almost all 4 years--b/c I simply wouldn't sit there and take it. AND I wasn't there to divert her attention from HIM.
My DH was absolutely blind to the cruelty she showed me. He told me all the time to be the 'bigger person' and blamed me for making his mom 'worse'.
It took her having a temper tantrum one night, some months ago, to open his eyes. She has some level of dementia and I guess one night when he was babysitting her, she felt she had to offload ALL her complaints about me. I guess this lasted for several hours. Basically, she blamed ME for everything that's wrong in her life--and of course, that's patently false.
DH had an "AHA" moment that night. He finally realized that his mother had been exactly as mean to me as I always said she was. Her 'stories' and "mine' of the same event were so disparate, he realized she'd been putting me down for, well, 47 years.
It really, really upset him.
Several days later, trying to keep this in perspective, he finally told me he had to talk to me. And he told me ALL the crap she'd been spewing all these years.
You know what? He thought I'd fall apart and cry and carry on--and all I said was "well, who do you believe now?" He said "I am so sorry she has been like this to you, and sorry that I didn't believe you."
Yeah, that was nice, but I'm not 100% mended. I don't hold a grudge, but I'm also human and a lot of times something will come up and she reminds him of how awful I am-- and he gets upset all over.
I would not have my mom live with us, I definitely can't have HIS mom living with us.
You've made your bed--if I were your DH I would be seeking other living arrangements.
Some people can have their parents live with them and it's a workable situation.
You won't find many of those on this site. We're almost all 'damaged' by our CG situations. I hope you put your DH ahead of your mom.
My DH is just BEGINNING to see that I need to come first.
I also completely understand that you feel resentment at your MILs meanness to you. You earned entitlement to resentment; regardless of her inability to filter her words, you received them. And that is as valid as the fact that MIL can't filter.
I've learned to 'hold both truths at the same time'. It's been extremely helpful: it takes judgment away from either side, and acknowledges and accepts that both (or all) parties are equally and morally legitimate.
We are all individuals who view things in our own way.
It’s the same thing with staying by someone’s side on their death bed. I couldn’t bear to see someone that I loved draw their last breath. I visited mom but didn’t stand vigil waiting for the end to come.
My brother on the other hand felt that it was important for him to be there when mom died. I respect his views and was glad that he was present at the time of mom’s death.
Your mother should be in a memory care facility if her dementia is as far advanced as you say it is here.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many good and happy marriages end in bitter divorce because a couple put themselves in the situation you put yourself and your husband in.
Find a memory care facility and place your mother as soon as possible before your husband packs his bags and leaves you.
Neither of you should be living with your mother in the condition she's in. She should not be cared for at home either. She should be secured and being cared for my a full 24 staff in a safe, locked down memory care facility.
Although caring for a bedridden invalid with dementia is miserable and hard both physically and mentally, it's very different than caring for someone with advanced dementia who still mobile and strong. Very different.
You are right about all of it, but it's not the life for some people and they should not be forced into it by guilt or any other reason.
When I reconciled with my former husband we have discussed remarrying. Before that happens we already have legal paperwork now stating that there will not be any family member moved into our house for the purpose of caregiving needs nor will either one of us relocate to a family member's home to become their caregiver. If one of us does then we forfeit our half of our home to the other.
This is how serious we are about not becoming caregivers to senior family members who are growing ever more needy.
He saw what living with and providing care for my mother did to me. If not for reconciling with him I would probably not be here today that's how low it brought me.
He also remembers all the client stories I told him over the years.
We will not be caregivers. I would never expect him to.
No one has a right to expect their partner to give up their life to take care of an in-law. Or to lose their own husband or wife to the chains of care slavery because parents or senior family members become needy.
It takes entire facility to care for people with dementia in environment that is safe. Trying this on your own at home it's going to be a Herculaneum task 24/7. Did it for 2 years . It sounds to me your mother's at the point where she should not ever be home by herself . Someone will have to be with her at all times. The dementia will only decline and can very fast. Her angry can be from a UTI infection. Usually when the rage escalates that is the problem .I'd have your mom tested .
Elderly can have a UTI infection all the time!!!. Not enough water not cleaning themselves properly. Then of course if that is the case she will need help with her personal care every day.
It is very hard work even harder when it is your mom caring for her on your own.