How do I deal with a mother who thinks I owe her for the time she took care of me?

My advice to you is look into getting your Mom into either adult day care, AL or a NH. The guilt trips need to stop. Parents are great travel agents for guilt trips, never forget that.

I can relate on so many levels. My children and I live with my father. At least once per week, when I do not give into his demands such as demanding (shouting) for breakfast before I get ready to go to work, he screams that its HIS HOUSE and I wouldnt be anywhere without him. He is the reason I have a job, education etc. He also acts like he is taking care of my children even though I work and provide whatever they need as I always have even before moving in with him. Like your mother, this behavior was present before Dementia. He has always treated me like an unwanted intruder. I can also relate to having a caregiver who feels like she is doing too much, when all she is doing no more than what she is asked. She has caused so much drama by instigating and inserting herself where she doesnt belong. As others have advised you, nip that in the bud ASAP or it will continue and get worse. If you can, place your mother in Assisted Living. Please take back your life. You deserve not to be stressed out each day. Hugs and positive vibes to you..this is not an easy journey.

Dear Wssie Marie: intruly sympathize with your feelings you are right about not asking to be brought into this world. What I would say is that her decision to have a child did, indeed give you life. To me tha responsibility on a parent's part is to raise that child from infancy to adulthood, providing not just the essentials of food and shelter, but to foster a loving bonded relationship. I hope your mother did that, but if your relationship has always been a contentious one, I feel so sorry for you. The other issue is one of doing what we possibly can to care for our fellow human beings. You should not feel guilty for wanting your own life. If there are financial resources, either your mother's or from other resources, use them as best you to provide the care your mom requires. Her negative comments and her expectations of you are unfair but I do fear they will worsen as her dementia increases. I loved and still love my husband so much, but his final years were so awful and I am in counseling to try and deal with the effects after his passing. But I chose that relationship. You truly need to find a counseling situation to help you deal with the guilt trips and to help you make some difficult decisions. Take care of your needs.

Hello EssieMarie. This is my take on Your Question. Your Mother is 93 years and just let it go. Live a simpler and happy Life with Your Mom and let Your memories of Yer last year's together be happy ones. Treasure Your Mother while You have Her because I promise You will miss Her when She's gone. Please do not have any regrets because it will be all to late then. Share many beautiful tender moments together. Reassure Your Mom that You love Her and tell Her often because Your Mother loves You very much.
Me I Cared for my MaMa 24/7 for the last three years of Her Life, and I am so glad I did. It wasn't a question of me owing my Mother for all MaMa had done for me through out my Life, no I Cared for my beautiful Mother simply because I loved Her with all my Heart and I Pray every day that when the Lord does call me at Life's end that We will be together again.

The caregiver that tells your mom you should be doing more for her is out of line. She is sabatoging your relationship with your mom. Let that caregiver go and find someone with a professional attitude. Yes, it will be aggravation up front to find a replacement but better in the long run.

My mom always used to say "You pay for your raising by raising your own." I don't agree with that. No child should ever have to "pay" for their raising. Dementia or no dementia, you could tell your mom that when she tries to guilt you. Even if that declaration doesn't "stick" with your mom, it's a self-affirmation that benefits you!

I took care of my manipulative mom for 9 years in our home... When my health continued to decline her doctors and day care people said it was time for Assisted Living....
With 5 workers (food service, housekeeping, nursing and cna's, and maintenance) at her beck and call at all times it was a much better situation for her...realizing they could deal with issues faster than I could. By the time I could get an appointment and get her in or get someone to come out to help me took time. Where they could have it taken care of quickly. Also, she met other people and got to do activities she could enjoy.
As she has declined and now in full nursing care I know she's being well taken care of... she has not had a UTI in 5 years and I am thankful to the staff where she is.

I think the first thing you should do is separate your question into two, very distinct questions.

1. How do you deal with what your mother needs?

2. How do you deal with what your mother thinks?

1. Should be reasonably straightforward. Your mother, aged 93 and now with dementia, which always progresses, certainly does have specific care needs. These can be assessed, and then services are arranged to meet those needs. The care does not have to come from you. It can do, as far as you're willing and able, but it doesn't have to. If you dropped dead or left the country tomorrow, your mother's needs would still be met, one way or another, more or less to her personal satisfaction.

2. Is the emotional question, and some people struggle with this forever, feeling guilty because they seem never to be able to make the person they care about happy. And yet... isn't that strange? Because this question is a matter of opinion. Your mother is entitled to her opinion. Heavens! - even the caregiver is entitled to her opinion, though she'd do better to keep it to herself, and besides I agree with BarbBrooklyn and would not take your mother's word for it. But here is the key point: SO ARE YOU entitled to YOUR opinion, and since your actions should be governed by your own judgement, your opinion is in fact the only one that matters.

You can spend your time and mental energy mounting arguments against your mother's opinion. You could point out to her, and to yourself, that her case that she had you (by choice) and looked after you (as the law required) and therefore you (who are not volunteering) must now look after her (in a way that no enforcement agency requires) simply doesn't hold water. But why bother? Her argument is nonsense. All it amounts to is her opinion that you should look after her, because she wants you to. Well! - and what do YOU think?

You are saddened when your mother makes critical and negative comments. You feel an obligation to devote yourself to her care. You feel oppressed by her demands. It's no good our counselling you not to care what she thinks - you DO care. It's the habit of a lifetime. You can't just drop it, just like that.

But, one thing you could do is think about it a different way. What do you think would be a healthy, comfortable way for you to manage the care that your mother definitely does need?

People who use guilt trips to manipulate others are selfish or insecure - your mom has dementia so changing her won't make a difference - tell her she doesn't have to guilt you into doing things for because you are doing it because you love her - tell her you love her semi-regularly -

I would tell my mom ' I love you more than spaghetti sauce but not as much as chocolate sauce' & we would laugh about that but it gave her comfort knowing she was loved so when was the last time you said it to her? maybe just that will calm the unsecurity of her dementia

Don't let her guilt you into something you need done for her that she doesn't like - remember she is 93 going on 3 - no child would ever get vaccinated if the parent asked them 'do you want a needle?' - sometimes a small intentional hurt [like a needle] is the best option at the time rather than let an infection run rampant or other issue - hold your ground on the big issues

You were not born with the job of taking care of your mother! You owe her nothing technically. Once she decided to become a parent, she OWED you the responsibility of raising you the best way she could. When you became an adult, the hard part of her job was over. She did not have the responsibility of caring for you anymore. If she did - that was her choice.

No guilt when she tries to manipulate because her ideas hold no water. You can help her if you can or chose to, OR try to help her live better by changing her residence where she can get care. She can make calls to help herself if she is capable. If she is not, then she needs care that others provide like a NH or Asst Living.

I don't mean to sound so indifferent. I have a very demanding and self-centered parent who tries these manipulations and she tried to run my life. Even writing this gives me stress, but I had to draw boundary lines so I wouldn’t be her indentured servant in my retirement. She now has care at home. If she didn’t have this, I would have found her other living arrangements for her. I did care enough to help her find the care she has now. But that is where I draw the line. I will not go back to being her servant at her beck and call.

First of all, EssieMarie, you will never be able to stop your Mom from saying hurtful things. BUT, as the disease progresses, some of that will abide. Also...the caregivers are doing you no favor by telling your Mom that you need to do more. If I were you, I would report them to the organization that sent them. I, too, have back issues and inform all whom I come in contact with, with regard to my Mom's care, about that issue.
Be strong. Because as long as you know that you are doing what you can with regard to Mom's care, whatever she says and no matter how many guilt trips she plants on you.....you are doing your best.
Mom is probably just scared that you're going to place her in a "Nursing Home." And so she is lashing out in fear. However, as time goes by, nursing homes are no longer referred to as that, but more appropriately as Healthcare Centers, etc. Nursing Home connotations just bring on horror stories for our elderly.
Hang in there.

I don't get it when parents say all they sacrificed for you, you should do the same for them! That's what good parents do. We take care of our kids. It's called being a good parent, and is what it is. Any parent who does that with some expectation of being repaid? Something just isn't right with that. Dementia changes everything. But if she was like this before she got dementia? And, I'll just say it-to heck with that caregiver. Sounds like she has no clue about the real situation with you and your Mom. Do what needs to be done. I say, make sure she is in a safe place and taken care of. And she DOES NOT have to be taken care of by you personally. You should not have to dread returning home. And if you do? Time for some kind of change.

And so you know, I've made so many sacrifices for my Mom. But she isn't even aware of it because of her dementia. I've said it before, I was one of the lucky ones to have great parents.

And, one more thing. I would NEVER want my daughter to do what I've done, now that I've been here.

Sorry so long, but take care of yourself. It's not easy, but there is a better way.

Mikeschoice makes the following statement: "Even if the parent was and is abusive, we absolutely owe them everything( easier said than done, I know). "
As a parent myself, here's how I see it: My 2 children owe me NOTHING. Why? Because I chose to bring them into this world and so I did, of my own volition, and made the choice to care for them until they were old enough and wise enough to move out and care for themselves. It's never been my job to raise children to be MY caregivers in old age! If I had children for that reason, I'd be a pretty shitty parent, imo. I love my children unconditionally; in other words, no matter what they do or what they do not do for me now, or later, when I get even older than I already am. It is MY responsibility to make preparations for my care in old age because hey, guess what? I'm an adult! I've always loved and protected my children, too, never raising a hand to them or emotionally abusing them in any way. Yet I STILL don't expect them to become a slave to me 24/7 when I get dementia and need Depends. If they'd like to help me in my old(er) age if and when I need it, great. If not, that's fine too., it's not their 'job'. I'll figure it out. And if I can't, I will swallow all the pain pills I'll have saved up along with a big tumbler of whiskey and then go meet my Creator on MY terms.

All of the people here who feel the need to remind us caregivers of what we 'owe' our parents, or what 'God' expects from us, GIVE US A BREAK ALREADY, WILL YOU? It's not for YOU to determine what's between me and God, nor is it for you to determine what I should or should not be doing for my parents, or what my children should or should not be doing for me! If I am posting a question here, I am seeking SUPPORT. I am looking for empathy, understanding, a KIND word or two, even. Not a lecture from a preacher on a pulpit. Try to keep that in mind when posting a response, okay? Sheesh.

If she’s alway acted like this she’s always verbally abused you. Verbal abuse is incredibly damaging recent studies have shown. Took me 50 years and a therapist to figure that out . If she has, what do you owe her? Seriously think about that question. What do you legitimately feel like you need to do so you don’t feel bad about YOURSELF, not what she wants you to feel, not how she feels, how do you feel? After I stopped denying and accepted mentally and emotionally what my mother ( and father) did to me over the years , I decided with my father, when he chose to stop medical intervention and die, I went to see him, held his hand thru the ordeal , kept his mouth moist etc. He appreciated it, I got closure and was able to forgive him and don’t feel guilty about him. My mother, I’m her medical POA. I see her when I take her to drs, take her to lunch, spend a lot of time on the phone for her care but limit my association with her because I’m her scapegoat. She’s a narcissist, cruel and that’s not going to change. Imo I’m doing my “duty”, don’t feel guilty at all. She is wealthy so can afford a nice ALF and I make sure she gets good care. I don’t love her , maybe if she had changed I could but she has no desire to. But I do what I would for anyone in her situation who needed help. As an other human , I feel that’s all I owe her. But I feel you need to do what YOU feel not what she EXPECTS or rather DEMANDS

Fire the caregiver, it’s not her job to get involved in family matters, if your mother isn’t lying that is and claiming she is saying things she isn’t. My mother does that frequently so make sure first but she’s creating more stress if she’s really saying that garbage.

As 'tough love' as this may sound, your 93 year-old mother doesn't inflict guilt on you.' You allow yourself to feel this way. She is the button pusher and may or MAY NOT know what she is doing. Since you say this is a long term pattern of your relationship with her, it is something that you will need to work through in other ways - therapy, support group, meditation. Whatever you need to do to interrupt your patterns of responding to her (old messages) so you can feel (more) whole. Once you learn to be and feel okay with who you are inside, however you do that, all the rest will fall into place - as you will not respond out of old emotional and psychological triggers. You will make decisions that are both in your best interest and in the best interest of your mother. Boundary setting and learning how to 'pull back' when you start to feel too raw -- too vulnerable -- will be invaluable to you. As soon as you feel 'triggered' in a not good way, be aware to NOT engage in the automatic feelings and behavior. With this awareness, you will own a part of yourself that you haven't before - likely that little girl inside who still wants her mother's approval and support. Ways to interrupt how you respond:
1. Take a deep breath.
2. Acknowledge how you are starting to feel.
3. Take a break and tell her that you are giving her (or you) a 'time out' - leave for 30 seconds 30 minutes or 3 hours (or 3 days) - whatever you can do.
4. Give yourself the unconditional loving support to the little girl inside that you would have liked your mom to have been able to give to you.
5. Prepare some thoughts / phrases for #4 above in advance.
6. Prepare in advance some ways you can respond to your mom when these triggering moments occur. Practice. Be succinct and do not engage in arguing. Simply saying "I hear you mom" and then stop. I need to take a break now. I'll be back in _____ minutes, hours, days . . .
7. Do your own inner work to become the woman you want to be. Your own woman. Of course this is not easy. It took me decades to learn to be my own person and there is still way too much of 'my mother' inside my head and body telling me what I should be doing which is certainly not in the least helpful to my own development and healthy self-esteem.
8. I have found FORGIVENESS to be invaluable to my shifting and growing. Forgiving the person's behavior is a gift of healing to you. Learning this skill was likely the most powerful lesson I learned many years ago. I may still feel hurt when someone says something I internalize as hurtful; it means I let it go for my own well being, peace of mind, and equanimity.
9. Remember, your mom is wounded and passed that on to you (as many of our mothers did - do) what was passed on to her. Her unfinished business of self-development is what you are dealing with - as many of us are. Not until someone in that chain has the courage and fortitude to say "enough" I want to be the whole healthy being I am created to be - and work through the feelings, and make hart decisions to take care of yourself, staying stuck or reactive won't change.
10. Get the support you need to change how you react and interact with your mom. She won't change. Only you can change how you respond to her (and internalize responses / feelings to yourself). You are worth it. Gena

I apologize in advance.

There are 44 answers right now, and I don't have the time to read all of them. But, yes....I am going to write a long reply. So, I guess, my "time" excuse is not a good one.

I would like to offer some relief and help to you.

Only you know if your mother really means that you owe her, or if it's something else and that's just the way she expresses her life view.

Your mother is 93. My mother will be 92 in July.

My mother lives in a very good nursing home. I visit once a week, sometimes twice a week --- it's a 45 minute drive each way, so not exactly a little jaunt. I call her every day. Every time she talks to a friend (not many because most of them have passed away....I think there are 4 left) or a relative, she says everything is fine, wonderful, she is happy in the nursing home, the food is great, she's fine medically, and no problems. But, she calls me almost every day sometimes twice a day, even before I have a chance to call her, and complains and says she is sicker that day than ever before and nobody is helping her and she needs me and I am her daughter and must come immediately ---- and says that she should be allowed to call me anytime and vent about how she feels because I am her daughter. I have already received great advice on this forum on how to handle that, so I won't repeat it.

In some respects, this "my children/son/daughter will take care of me" or "I took care of you and now you need to take care of me" is a generational thing. And, a sociological thing.

My mother had 2 older brothers; she was 13 years' younger than the younger of the 2 brothers. Both brothers had to join the military for WW2. Their wives, and their children, moved into a small apartment with my mother and her parents (my grandparents). That was normal back then. It was also normal until about 15-20 years ago that at least 50%, maybe even 75%, of "kids," after high school or college stayed close to their hometowns. So, in most cases, for your mother and my mother, what they know is their history.....2-3-4 generations lived close in proximity. It's just not that way now.

Also, sociologically, it's just a thing: kids take care of their parents when their parents get old. It goes back to when people got married and started having kids at 16-17-18, and had lots of kids, and those kids helped with the family farm or family business. They did not move across the country. They stayed home. Of course, back then, the average life span was probably closer to 40 than 75.....but it's still a view, even if not expressed, that people over 80 have ingrained---you have to be there, or come home, and take care of your parents.

Okay, that's all very cerebral. And, since I do not know you, I don't know if you can relate to any of it.

So, let me see if I can help you in a more feeling way.

Unless your mother has taken care of you when you became an adult, such as given you money, loaned you money, let you live with her for free, cared for you more than once --- for several days or months -- when you were sick, as an adult, or somehow, otherwise, helped you when you were old enough to make your own way in the world, it's hard for me to understand why you "owe" her anything.

We all give from the heart, or from obligation, or from fear of being viewed as a bad person if we do not give. Sometimes all of those reasons. We all have to live with whatever reasons. But, none of us have to live with being made to feel guilty about not being able to, or even not wanting to, give up our lives to care for a parent. Unless....as I implied....as an adult, we remained dependent on that parent.

I hear this all the time. The parents think the children owe them and that they must take care of them. Well, the answer is NO - NO - NO. Ever single case is different and each must be evaluated on its merits. Parents have children and are supposed to raise them until they are adults. Then the adult children go out in life and start their own lives and families. All adults, the parents or now the adult children, must have enough sense to think ahead to the future and must prepare for "that day". The parents have lived their lives and now it is the turn of the children. If the children are capable and willing of being caretakers, that is THEIR DECISION - NO ONE ELSE'S. And depending on the relationship between parent and child, if there was love and compatibility, it is harder but families cannot allow negative bad behavior and abuse and guilt from the children. At the first sign the parents have to be put somewhere to be cared for. No family should be forced to take care of the parents in their own homes if it will destroy their lives and their families. Parents must realize this and must make provisions for themselves years in advance. Anything less is just not fair and shows how selfish the parents are. Please take care of yourself - it is now YOUR time. Do not accept any guilt or stress.

You're burnt out. You need respite NOW. Seek Riley's ideas.

If anybody could lay a guilt trip on you, it would be your mother. They are very good at that. You are not obligated to give up your life to take care of her, that's what nursing homes are for. I would dismiss the caregiver who puts these ideas in your mothers head, but how do you know if she really says these things? If at all possible, find a nice place for her to live. Get rid of the guilt, you shouldn't have to live with that.

I find Mikeschoice reply lacks insight. Tacking "easier said than done, I know" at the end of it is cliche and does not make it less aggressive.

Essie - if you are religious, I believe we honor God when we honor ourselves (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
"19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

Remember that Jesus was Jewish. Accordingly, on the first day of Rosh Hashanah after the afternoon prayer, he would have gone to a lake, river or sea to recite the Tashlich prayers, and symbolically cast his sins into the water, leaving them behind and thus starting the new year with a clean slate.

Recognize that people like your mother carry their sins forward, nurturing them, feeding them, growing them, and making them stronger. There is nothing to be done for such people because they have cast love, mercy and kindness aside.

And plenty of agnostics and atheists show more love, mercy and kindness than many Bible thumpers!

First she can only inflict guilt on you if you let her. While she can try all she wants to make you feel guilty it only happens if you accept the guilt. You are absolutely correct, children don't choose to be born their parents choose to create them or God if that's what you believe, nothing "owed". We shouldn't be care giving out of a sense of obligation or in "repayment" we do it out of love and respect and yes we do it out of a sense of duty in some ways I guess but that's something we feel from within ourselves. It's not always easy or even something we enjoy but we get self satisfaction or self pride perhaps in caring for our LO's, it's not a question in my mind of course I will do everything I can to care for my parents but I know that isn't always going to mean caring for them at home or myself. But they also don't expect it or feel it's "owed" to them, it's just something we do without hesitation for someone we love and yes someone who has loved and cared for us. My mom in fact apologizes for "putting us out" all the time and always tells us how lucky she feels and how appreciative she is for all we do to care for her, that's the way it should be. We choose to be parents and if we are in it to breed our future caregivers or to have someone to manipulate the rest of our lives then we are missing out big time. I feel sorry for your mom that she feels the need to try and guilt you rather than just know and feel secure in the love she shares with her children, take pride in the human beings she created and raised because judging by your devotion despite her behavior you turned out pretty darn well. Sounds like she is succeeding in pushing you away rather than holding you close and that's such a shame. Her loss and not yours to make up for or debt to pay back. You do what you do for her to satisfy yourself not your mom.

The fact is anyone can take care of the physical and medical care giving needs, in fact a non-related professional is often going to be much more efficient and effective at the physical tasks as a person ages and needs more but only someone closes, parent, child, grandchild, spouse, partner, sibling etc can give the loving emotional support we as humans crave, only someone who's lived with you, grown up with you, has known you intimately for years can know how to provide that care and support for us (and know how to use it as a negative) so those aging LO's who have the same person doing both are very fortunate but it isn't critical. If a professional is providing the heavy lifting, meeting the physical needs and the patient has LO's around providing the love and emotional support they are just as well cared for, perhaps even better cared for and there is nothing negative about that. Your mom seems to have confused this and is pushing away that loving emotional support perhaps out of fear and desperation for that physical care, she has created a situation where she is probably better off having a professional care giver doing the necessary physical things and that's on her not on you. You making sure she gets the proper physical care is taking care of her, fulfilling any personal responsibility you feel and extending love you are digging deep for. Who knows finding her good care somewhere else may even allow the space your relationship needs to make room for the positive love and emotions to resurface a bit so you can then shower her with some of that as well as the practical details of making sure her physical care needs are met.

As far as this care giver who is making poor comments to mom, there may be several factors here including the way mom hears or simply relays what the CG has said. Mom may have been doing her complaining about either not getting out or not wanting to & this care giver innocently said it would be good for you to get out with your daughter 2-3 times a week or offered to take her out & mom refused to go with her. Nothing wrong with letting CG know the negatives of that kind of thing.

Hi You Sweet Thing. I am going through the very same thing, except that my mother does not have dementia. Maybe in your case it is the disease talking. And I'm sure that is the fear of being left alone. I also am taking care of my husband with severe dementia and a mentally ill brother, so it is incredibly difficult to deal with the expert guilt trips that only mothers excel in. But remember, you can, should "help" your mother, as I was counselled. But my primary responsibility is my husband. I have had to find help for my mother and my brother, which is always rejected by her. But I finally realized that I have been a good daughter all my life and I do not have the total responsibility for my mother.
And like most everyone else, there is no sibling help. So, I have slowly and systematically, been forcing her to accept the hired help as I have been unable (and unwilling at times of exhaustion) to take her to doctors, to clean her house, to fix her meals, etc. It has been difficult, but it has been very necessary for me to distance myself. And I have had to distance myself from the emotional abuse of a lifetime that continues today, I cannot afford to listen to it, much less take it to heart. It is untrue and unhelpful. So I just don't listen anymore.
I have felt a sense of freedom since I have forced her to accept the outside help. Then, I am a little more refreshed to deal with her. Please don't let it enter your brain. It is untrue and unhelpful. You are an awesome person to care so much for your family. That speaks volumes.

there is only one of you who chose to be in this relationship. that is her, and that dynamic remains.
That caregiver who injects her opinion into the mix is wrong for doing so. How does she benefit her client by doing that? seriously...

The proper response for a child to make to a parent who feels like they are owed something goes like this, "I did not ask to be born, you gave birth to me against my will and without my consent. You forced me to grow up in a home that didn't provide me with everything I need to live my entire life sooooo YOU OWE ME." pause for dramatic affect, ... "I didn't ask to have to pay bills, work for a living, have DNA that predisposed me to back pain etc etc" "This is all your fault, you should be paying me due to forcing my existence without my consent." LOL Seriously though, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your mom has dementia so you can't really use that argument now because she won't understand it but hopefully younger folks can read it and find a grain of truth there.

EssieMarie;

Most of what I have to say has been posted in response to others, but I thought it best to bring it all home here:

1) You do NOT owe your mother anything.
2) You do NOT have to accept any guilt she dishes out.
3) You should consider bringing in more help or finding her a safe place to live.
4) See below for the caregiver issue.

As for those who post that we DO owe our parents (they are on other threads too), take that with a grain of salt! This is just heaping MORE guilt on you that you do not need. While they think they are making well-meaning comments, those kind of comments really don't help at all.

While some people can care for a parent or parents (or other LO) easily, with no issues and feel we can ALL benefit from their advice, I say phooey. Some people are easy to care for. Some are not suffering from dementia. Some are, but are also not combative and/or abusive. Some, even those without dementia, can be extremely difficult to care for! Some had a great relationship prior to care-giving and still have that. Others, not so much. You and many of us fit in that last camp.

Many of the rosy-sky types also do not consider what our ages might be, or our own physical condition/capability. Those are important considerations as well.

If/when your mother lashes out or lays guilt on you, what you have to learn to do is NOT accept it internally (it will take time and often MANY iterations before it becomes second nature! Even then we can slip back into that mode in weak moments!). Do NOT dwell on it. Do NOT respond to it. The best thing you can do is just smile and walk away. Will it still sting? Yes, but each time it should hurt less, so long as you continue to be strong and repel the nastiness.

Whether she meant any of it or not before or now, it doesn't matter what she thinks/feels/says about you. You are doing a wonderful thing for her and whatever the cause behind her words and behavior, it has NO bearing on what you do or don't do. She should consider herself blessed that you do this for her, but clearly she doesn't and likely won't. You wouldn't have been able to change her behavior before dementia, and you certainly can't now, so it is time to grin and let it go!

Caregiver issue: you said "she tells my mother I should be doing more for her like taking her out 2 or 3 times a week." Have you actually witnessed this, or is your mother telling you this? If not witnessed, I would have a calm private discussion with the caregiver and just ask if she has said this. If the answer is yes, you can nicely instruct her to NOT do this. If she continues (the only way to be absolutely sure is nanny cam of some kind, as once planted, that seed can continue in mom's head), then she gets a second warning, then third strike she's out. If she says she didn't say these things, then it is mom's dementia either making it up or distorting something they talked about. It does happen. Since you think she is good, I would give her a chance. Good caregivers are hard to find!

Final thoughts - consider either bringing in more help or checking out AL/MC facilities. Getting more help will help your physical issues AND give you more time away from mom's toxic behavior. Spend that time away from mom, doing things you enjoy and being with people you like. You need to care-give yourself too!

If money is an issue, Medicare will provide a limited number of hours if mom needs physical help, such as with bathing and toileting. Medicaid, depending on mom's financial status, can also cover some in-home care. There might be other avenues (was dad a veteran?) If mom has plenty of assets, use them to hire more people. Other than finances, you've already crossed the nastiest bridge of getting help in without mom kicking them out! If you find it still doesn't help, then consider a facility and accept NO GUILT trips from her or yourself. You've devoted 10 years already. Me? I didn't even let mom stay with me (or me with her) one day!

Here’s how I see it. A child does not ask to be born. We don’t have children to have built in caregivers.

Hopefully we do a good job as parents and raise our children to be independent. So why would we ask them to hinder their own future by caring for us as parents if it would jeopardize their financial security?

How will they be able to plan for their own senior years? See how complicated this gets.

Those who know me know I have cared for my mom for 14 years and counting in my home. It takes a toll on the caregiver, emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

Some parents don’t want their children burdened with that responsibility. Some children are not able to care for a parent.

I don’t think I would want my children to care for me after knowing the first hand responsibility that it is.

Your mother is mean and cruel to complain to you and give you guilt. You do not deserve that treatment and you must be strong and find a way to stop her at once - be very tough and firm because that is all they understand. And that caretaker has no right to judge you and tell your mother what you do wrong. Do what you can for yourself - and if it gets too bad, put your mother somewhere so you have some peace and can take care of yourself.

Caring for your parent (or not choosing to do so) is your choice alone.

You are very generous to give care for ten years.

Do what makes you happiest in the next ten.

I would find out if she qualifies for Medicade and search out an Assisted living place. Find one that has people like herself and get her in. That way you can just be her daughter and not her caregiver. She will complain for a little while, but she will forget and settle in because the right home will cater to her. It will eliminate her fears and give you your life back. Your mother may have not been in her right mind for years, There are many forms of Dementia and it can start early without being detected till later. Losing your mind an inch at a time has to be terrifying.

All you can do is your best, whatever that is, it will be enough. Maybe you could look at her saying you owe her as her really saying "I am afraid, please don't leave me." Try telling her that you will always make sure she is taken care of. Even if that means in a AL.

EssieMarie - you have received a lot of good replies and I agree with them.

The only thing I can add is this: parents who ask their children to sacrifice their lives for them (the parents) so they can live on are no parents at all but bonafide life-sucking vampires. That should be the reply to any parent when he/she pulls the "I raised you, you owe me" crap.

The only people we should sacrifice our lives for are our children, and they their children, and so on.

My 94 yr old mother actually said today that I should wait on her because of how long it took her with labor with me ! OMG !!! It was "partially" joking but I see know how her mind works and that is totally on cue for her and her NPD ways.